


Wanderlust

by natimesia



Category: Dandy - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-01-21 09:27:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 94,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1545896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natimesia/pseuds/natimesia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darren Criss escaped to find himself.<br/>Instead, he found one Andy Claveria.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wanderlust i

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**PART**

**ONE**

**| 2 0 1 4 |**


	2. Wanderlust i

**April 14, 2014, 5.44PM**

“Stand up.”

“We’re on a bus.”

“But the floor is lava. You’ll burn.”

“I’ll burn either way.”

He stares at her for a second before grinning. “Hi,” he says, inviting himself to sit on the vacant seat beside her.

She looks at him with nothing but amusement. “Hi.”

His eyes shift to the pen and notebook on her lap and then back to her face. “You an author or something?”

She observes him for a second before answering. “Do you play?” she asks, glancing at the guitar beside him.

“Yes, I do,” he answers.

“No, I’m not.” She pauses. “I write, but I don’t have a publisher.”

He nods slowly. “Cool,” he says.

“Cool,” she echoes.

Silence comes afterwards, and he is still looking at her shamelessly. He watches her release a sigh and then goes back on writing whatever on the sturdy brown leathered journal on her lap.

Nose scrunched and eyebrows furrowed, he speaks again. “That’s it?”

She spares him a glance, noticing but not minding the fact that their faces are just a few inches apart. “That’s what?”

“No more questions? You know, do you like Diet Coke? Have you read Harry Potter? Are you a ninja?”

One of her eyebrow shoots up, clearly amused by the sudden batch of sporadic questions thrown at her. Cocking her head to the side, she wanders her eyes up and down the visage of the young man beside her, as if surveying his stance, his posture, his clothing, his skin, his everything. The man doesn’t look unfazed by the action. He looks at ease; even looking like he’s inviting her to study him.

Quite suddenly, her eyes go challenging as she nods her head towards the bus driver. “What was the driver’s answer when you asked him the difference between pumpkin and squash?”

A frisky grin spreads across his face. “Stalker,” he teases.

“There’s a difference between stalking and observing.”

His brows perk up momentarily before his eyes squint playfully. “You’re eloquent.”

She shrugs small. “I write. I must be. And I observe a lot. That’s what I do.”

Absorbing the new information, he nods in understanding. “Well, he looked at me weird,” he answers.

Her mouth twitches. “Pumpkin means large melon. Squash has many varieties. Basically, a pumpkin is just another type of squash.”

He blinks once, twice, waiting for any other retort that the mysterious woman will express. None came. “Wow,” is what he says. “Did you look that up on your phone or you just blurt those facts as if it’s your name?”

“I don’t have a phone.”

His brow perks up in surprise. “Cool,” he says, and then his nose scrunches as his eyebrows meet. “Really?”

“I don’t need it.”

“Okay,” he says, nodding slowly. “How does it feel? Not having communication with the world?”

She shrugs nonchalantly. “Cool.”

She stares at him as he stares at her, both anticipating reactions from each other. When nothing happened, the woman turns her gaze towards the window and watches as the sceneries change before her eyes, deliberately ignoring the inquisitive man next to her.

At some point, she feels him leaving the seat, but she makes no acknowledgement about it. Instead, she starts counting backwards.

_10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5 . . ._

A tap on the shoulder makes her look back and when she does, she sees him back on the seat and now holding what seems to be a transparent medium-sized glass jar with ripped papers inside. She raises an eyebrow, to which goes unnoticed because the man is busy taking the lid off.

“Do you bring that everywhere?” she asks.

“Yes.”

“It looks heavy.”

“Yeah, it’s glass.” He taps it to prove his point.

“Why?”

He shrugs and smiles a wolfish grin. “Oh, you know, for sheer fun.”

“What’s written inside?”

“Well, you have to pick to see,” he says and wiggles his eyebrows excitedly. She brings her hand inside the jar and takes one paper strip out.

“You have bad handwritings,” she says, not meeting his eyes.

He presses the jar to his chest and frowns. “And what made you think that I write that?”

“I heard ripping and scribbling loudly approximately two seats behind me a while back.”

He pouts at her - _actually pouts_ \- and she bite down her lip before anything escapes her lips. “Fine, I did. You’re really good at observing people.”

She lifts her shoulders. “As I said, I tend to observe a lot. That’s what I do.”

“And you observe me?” He looks genuinely flattered.

“Who else?”

He cranes his neck to look around the close compartment of the bus, and his eyebrows shoot up because somehow it is just then that he realized she, he and the driver are the only person inside.

He looks back to her and pouts once again. “I thought you observe me because I am special.”

He meant it as a joke, of course.

One of her eyebrows shoots up once again, now with a small smile forming on her lips. “Trust me, you are.”

He recognizes the sarcasm dripping on the statement, and he frowns. “Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” he demands, glaring playfully.

She only shakes her head in amusement before reading what was on the paper.

“ _Two truths and a lie_ ,” she reads out loud. Biting her lower lip, she glances up at him who is already grinning widely.

“Cool. So, I’ll start first.”

“I don’t know what that meant.”

He stares at her, a scandalized look evident on his face. “You never played two truths and a lie before?”

She shakes her head in response.

“Alright then.” He pauses. “Well, I’ll tell three facts, and you’ll have to guess which one is wrong.”

She nods in understanding. “Okay.”

She watches him clap his hands together, rub them a few times, and then looks at her with a challenge glinting in his eyes. “I like purple, I hate small animals.” He joins his fingers together and rests his chin on the bridge that formed, not taking his eyes away from her. “And I own pink sunnies.”

“Small animals,” she answers within a heartbeat.

He gapes (a bit exaggeratedly). “How did you know me so well?”

She shrugs nonchalantly. “There were only three options. It was easy telling.”

Both of his ridiculously triangle-shaped eyebrows shoot up. “Pray do tell how.”

“Your face fell slightly when you mentioned the small animals.”

With creased nose, he says, “What? Really?”

“You’re not very subtle,” she says.

“Really? I guess I have to work on that more, then. Your turn.”

She brings her fingers under her chin and rubs it slowly. “I do martial arts, I’ve never been out of the country, and I love chocolates.”

“What? Nobody hates chocolates!” he exclaims, appalled. He sighs and stares at her warily. “This is unfair. You’re pro at making poker face. I cannot find any flinching.”

“Or you’re just bad at observing, but yeah, people tell me I do make good poker face.”

“Fine. I guess I’ll just rely on my very intelligent instincts, then.” He stares out the window with his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Seconds later, he sighs in defeat. “This is ridiculous. Of course the chocolates. No one hates chocolate. That’s insane.”

“I’ll try to take that as a compliment because I do hate chocolates.”

“What? That’s crazy, man!” he exclaims, looking genuinely horrified.

“It makes my throat sore easy.”

His brows furrow. “Okay. That makes sense, I guess.” He pauses. “So you do martial arts? And wait –” He eyes her dubiously, “You’ve never been out of the country? Like, seriously? But you look well-travelled.”

She cringes slightly, because she’d been out of the country, alright. But then, she easily shrugs it off because what the inquisitive stranger doesn’t know wouldn’t kill him. “I travel, but only within the country.”

His eyebrows shoot up and he grins excitedly. “We should go to the Philippines! Wait - how old are you?”

“Twenty-one.”

“We should go to the Philippines! Let’s go there!” he exclaims, literally bouncing up and down on his seat.

She eyes him for a moment – _bounce, bounce, bounce_ \- before nodding slowly. “Yeah. Let’s.”

His expression literally looks like a child on Christmas, but then easily shifted as his eyebrows scrunched. “Wait. Really? You’ll come with me?”

“It sounds fun.”

“But you just met me,” he says, sounding more like asking than making a statement.

She shrugs casually. “Who cares?”

“Umm, your parents? Friends? Relatives?”

“I’m legal. I could go anywhere and with anyone I like.”

“That’s a bit reckless, don’t you think?”

She observes him warily for a moment, studying his whole visage once again, but just like before, he looks like he doesn’t mind at all.

After a minute or two, she leans further on her seat. “You’re giving yourself out easier than I expect you to.”

If he isn’t before, _now_ he is totally confused. “What?”

“You’re a kidnapper,” she states, not batting an eyelash. He catches her eyes flicking over his stubble before meeting his eyes once again.

He blinks. “Wait. What? How could you say?” he asks. Somehow, it makes him feel conscious about his growing beard. Some people he knows _begs_ him to shave it because basically it makes him look like a hobo but he easily ignored them.  However, for a strange reason, a stranger telling him he is a kidnapper just makes him want to shave it off _pronto_.

“Reverse psychology,” is the least answer he expected.

“Wow,” he says, slowly understanding the whole shebang. That doesn’t erase his new urgency of shaving the beard, though. Being told as a kidnapper could really take one man to the edge. “That’s . . . wow.”

“Thank you,” she says, a slight smugness heard from her voice.

Holding his chin and slightly scarred dignity up, he says, “Well, then, if you think I’m a kidnapper, why are you still talking to me?”

Not meeting his eyes, she answers, “Because I’m not a kid, so you could not kidnap me. And I’m not afraid of you. I do Taekwondo.”

He nods. Yet again, she has a point.

After a few moments of silence, he says, “Um. You’re kidding, right? You don’t think I’m actually a kidnapper?”

 _Fine_. It does hurt his ego a bit. It is the first time he is pertained to as a kidnapper, and there’s no way one could take that as a compliment.

“Of course I am,” she says. “You look like a puppy.”

He blinks. “Excuse me?”

Her eyes travel his whole face before smirking. “You totally are.”

For whatever reason, he starts considering making the term ‘kidnapper’ a compliment because _at least_ it sounds manlier than being referred to as a ‘puppy’.

“I demand you take that back,” he says, holding his chin and surely scarred dignity up higher.

She smirks at that. He groans and pouts. This is cutting through his ego too deep, and it has to stop _now_ before he does something ridiculous like shaving his beard in front of her in a bus without a shaving cream.

“But seriously, take aside the reverse psychology shit, you would really go to the Philippines with me?” he says, changing the topic.

“Of course not,” she says like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Ouch.” He shrugs. “Fine. Next question.” He picks a paper. “ _Why won’t you go to the Philippines with me?_ ”

“It does not say that,” she deadpans.

“No, it doesn’t, but you should answer, anyway. Probing minds demand to know.” He buttresses his chin on his hands, leaning towards her. She doesn’t flinch though, even if he just _goes._

“No?” he guesses when she didn’t react. He frowns and sighs in an over-exaggerated, mock-exasperated way. “Fine, I’ll do a real one,” he says, digging in for another question.

“ _Say an experience that changed your life_.”

There is a few seconds of silence before she says, “I discovered pen, paper and words get along really well when I was ten.”

“And that changed your life?” he asks without a hint of judgment; just pure curiosity.

“Basically, yes.”

“Wow. Laconic,” he says. “My turn?” He pulls back but still closer than she is used to being with other people. “Okay, an experience that changed my life . . . well, let’s see, this one time, I got in a bus-”

“Shut up.” She shoves his shoulder lightly.

“Hey! Hear me out. How do you know I’m not being serious?” he asks. “How do you know you aren’t going to change my life?”

“Because I _haven’t_.”

“But you _could_.” He looks past her shoulder and stares as the scenery changes within the blink of his eye. “This is a strange world. Things happen. And it happens for a reason. People don’t meet people by accident. They are meant to cross paths for a purpose. Take us for an example. You don’t know, maybe I’m meeting you because you’ll change my life. You never know.”

“How philosophical of you,” she teases.

“I know right. Next question,” he says, more cheery than ever. She’s about to scoop but he beat her to it. “ _What are your plans for the rest of the day?_ ” he reads.

“It was my turn,” she says.

“I’ll give you two turns later. Now answer the question.”

She sighs and mulls it over. “Sit. Think. Write. Breathe once in a while.”

He grins. “Cool. Hey, where are you headed?” he asks.

She looks out the window and breathes out. “Nowhere,” she answers with certainty.

He smiles toothily. “Nice. May I join?”

She looks back to him. “What are your plans for the rest of the day?” she asks back.

“Going Nowhere with you,” he says, grinning. She raises one eyebrow and purses her lips.

He’s expecting a retort that says ‘no’, but then he only hears, “If you say so. Next question, I suppose.”

She picks a paper.

“ _Describe a time you fell in love_ ,” she reads and her face scrunched in disgust. “What? This belongs to your jar of ‘ _Questions to Ask With A Stranger Inside A Bus_ ’?”

Frowning, he asks, “Why? What’s wrong with the question?”

“It’s clearly out of place.”

“How come?”

“There’s no place for love, especially falling in love.”

“Of course there is.” An invisible light bulb suddenly lights above his head. “Oooh, okay. I get it.”

“Get what?”

“You’re one of them.” He is smiling like Cheshire cat.

She eyes him skeptically. “One of who?”

“Those _love-makes-life-look-hard_ or _love-is-plain-bullshit_ type of people.”

“I don’t belong to any clichés.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he prompts, all wide-eyed and innocent.

She brings her fingers to her lips and stares at him. “Describe a time you fell in love.”

“Well . . .” He pauses, and she waits, “This one time, I got in a bus-”

“You’re shitting me, right?” she says and for the first time since they talked, she laughs, the kind of laugh that sounds so endearingand he thinks it is cliché as fuck, but the truth is the truth. “This isn’t your first time doing this?” she says.

“It is.” He holds her gaze and waits, and she stops from laughing.

“We-”

“We just met, I know.” He smiles, small and warm. “We just met, but I could. You never know.”

“You-” She pauses, processing it all in. He finds it amusing that it is the first time since they talked that she is at lost for words to shoot back at him. “Okay. I see it more clearly now,” she then says and then chuckles. She sits up primmer than usual. “So, what’s my number?”

His brows crease. “Huh?”

“I knew the jar is here for a reason,” she says and rolls her eyes. “So, what’s my number from all the girls you used the jar for you to tell them you could fall in love with them and eventually ask out?”

“What are you talking about?” When she didn’t answer, he sighs. “You’re quite assuming. Did somebody ever tell you that?”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“I don’t do this as a hobby, if that’s what you’re pertaining to.”

“Ask me why I don’t believe you.”

“Why don’t you believe me?” he tests.

“Because you have a jar with you,” she answers like it’s the most obvious thing. “You expect me to believe you bring that everywhere you go?”

He sighs, palms his face, and guesses he needs some explaining to do. “This jar originally contained my cashew nuts, which by the way, are all over my bus seat because apparently it’s been a few hours and my ass is already suffocating and I was bored out of my mind and there’s this girl sitting two seats apart from mine and she looked forlorn so thinking that it’s a win-win situation, I would make conversations with her because the bus driver clearly does not want to make conversations with me because he thinks I’m weird because I ask him the difference between squash and pumpkins.”

She smirks. “And the truth comes out.”

He sighs in defeat. “Look. Okay, I understand love is a touchy subject for you.”

Her brow shoots up, a small smiling playing on her lips. “You’re quite assuming. Did somebody ever tell you that?”

“I’m sorry, but besides that it’s too obvious, it’s really painfully obvious.” He looks at her softly. “Just came out of a bad relationship?”

She shakes her head. “No.”

“Well, that makes one of us, then.” He sighs. She is silent for a moment, watching the once cheery and bubbly man sport an expression that she personally thought doesn’t really match him.

“So what you’re saying is, you threw your cashew nuts out which are all over your bus seat now and use its jar for entertainment because apparently it’s been a few hours and your ass is already suffocating and you were bored out of your mind and there’s this girl sitting two seats apart from you and she looked rather _sad_ – _fuck_ , forlorn? From where did you come from? Medieval time? - so thinking that it’s a win-win situation, you would make conversations with her because the bus driver clearly does not want to make conversations with you because he thinks you’re weird because you ask him the difference between squash and pumpkins, so you could tell her you could fall in love with her?”

He stares at her in awe, his mouth hanging in the air. She watches how his expression changes, and then immediately looks out the window and avoids the _hearty_ eyes he is giving her.

 _Too soon_.

Apparently, one of her special talents is to easily repeat what people say because she was somewhat friends with Petunia, her Aunt Jean’s parrot, but of course, she wouldn’t tell him that.

_Not yet. Too soon._

“Go out with me,” he breathes, staring at her as if she is a gem or something.

“I don’t go out,” she says, deadpan. She cranes her neck and sees his disappointed face. “But I do believe you invited yourself to go with me towards nowhere?”

It amazes her how his face can literally change expressions in a second.

Before he can even say anything, she beats him to it. “And you do not start conversations with asking the difference between a pumpkin and a squash.”

He tries to pout, but the smile on his face looks like it wouldn’t fade away anytime soon. “But why not?”

“Because it’s out of normalcy.”

One of his eyebrows shoot up. “I told you the floor is lava and still you entertained me.”

She eyes him skeptically before muttering, “Touché.”

Somehow, he has trouble getting the smile off his face. “I’m gonna make you fall in love with me.”

She smiles at him, stunned. “Is that a challenge?”

“It’s a promise.”

She looks at him with a smug expression visible on her face. “Well then,” she says, leaning towards him, and he is shell-shocked about the fact that she is suddenly so _close_ and she smells _godly_. He can literally feel her breath on his cheek and it makes him all tingly inside.

Well, shit. He is so _fucked._

“I’d like to see you try.”

He laughs and offers his hand.

“Darren.”

She smiles small and complies.

“Andy.”


	3. Somewhere Only We Know

**April 15, 2014, 5.57AM**

Darren blinks from unconsciousness and wonders why his bed is moving and he’s in a sitting position. And then it dawns to him. _Oh, right._ He is currently on a bus. And yes, he isn’t alone.

          Glancing sideways, he notices a rebellious strand of hair falling across Andy’s face.

That is the first time he thinks of the word _beautiful_ and genuinely means it when he looks at his mysterious friend beside him.

          _Wait_ \- “Are we friends?”

          “You drool,” is the answer he gets. He frowns, but it goes unnoticed as Andy’s attention isn’t on him. As per usual, she is writing.

          Darren wipes the sides of his mouth with his t-shirt.

          “And gross,” she adds, her nose crinkling in disgust.

          Darren frowns once more. “Hey. Didn’t you sleep?”

          Andy sighs and shakes her head. “No.”

          “When did I doze off?”

          Taking her eyeglasses off, she finally looks at him. Darren watches her massage her forehead for a second before answering, “Somewhere between you telling me you once thought you were a cannibal and you love lilacs.”

          Darren playfully glares at the woman. “I mean what time?”

          “I don’t know. I don’t do time,” she says. To prove her point, she shows him her empty wrists. Darren wants to ask why, but decides to keep his curiosity to himself.

          “You look tired. There’re bags under your eyes,” is what Darren says instead.

          “Those are natural. You have too.”

          “But yours have black on them.”

          “Thanks,” Andy scoffs and rolls her eyes.

          “Hey. Can’t sleep?”

          “I don’t sleep. I’m nocturnal,” Andy proclaims, a tug on her lips starting to form.

          He snorts. “Of course you are,” he says. “But really, aren’t you tired?”

          “Are you?”

          “Well, yeah. We’ve been sitting here for a few hours now.”

          “How ironic,” Andy muses as she brings her pen to her lips. “You’ve just been sitting yet you feel tired.”

          “Huh.” His nose scrunches up, as if he hadn’t really thought about it.

          “Now I’ll ask you: are you tired or just plain bored?”

          “Hmm. Latter,” Darren admits.

          “That’s what I thought,” she mumbles, and that was that. A few minutes of silence passed. Andy can feel Darren’s eyes on her, but she keeps her gaze on the almost visible view out the window.

          “You don’t really talk, do you?” Darren observes.

          “Um,” Andy says, pretending to mull it over.

Darren grins. “No, I mean, you don’t normally start the conversation.”

          “Your point?”

          “The point is, you’re not talkative.”

          “Something wrong with that?”

Darren raises both his hands up in a defensive way. “Nothing.” He exhales. “I’m just wondering why I’m still not bored.”

          “A compliment, I suppose.”

          “Trust me, it is.”

A few heartbeats passed as she waits for the inevitable.

“But,” Darren says and both he and Andy releases a sigh, “It’s not always good that people have to start conversations just to talk to you. I mean, that’s how you start to make friends. Through talking.”

          “Huh,” Andy says, “And still, here you are.”

          Darren’s eyes suddenly lights up. “Wait. So does that mean that we’re friends?”

          “How did that mean that we’re friends?”

          “Because I’m here, and we’re talking,” Darren points out. “So, we’re friends?”

          Andy doesn’t answer. For a minute, both starts a staring contest.

“The bus stopped.”

Darren frowns. “You’re dodging the question!”

“Don’t shout,” Andy says, bringing her pen and journal back to her bag. “People might think you’re a lunatic.”

“What? There are no-”

Darren stops talking, whipping his head around and realizes that they are not alone inside the bus anymore. There are few people already standing and arranging their things, and a few head are looking in their direction.

“The bus stopped, you idiot,” Andy says. Darren looks back at Andy and frowns.

“How did that make me an idiot?” he demands.

“It means you have to move. This is the last stop.”

“How did you know?”

“The driver informed us in the middle of your drooling session.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. _Oh_. Move!” Andy says, pushing Darren off his seat.

“Alright, alright,” Darren mutters, grabbing his things from his original bus seat and glancing back at Andy just to find her already going down the bus. Hastily, he scrambles out, pushing some annoyed people in the process. As the cold morning air hits his face, he glances around, seeking for one certain brunette-haired woman.

“Hey, wait up!” Darren shouts, running hastily with his backpack and guitar jangling behind him. Andy halts and looks back, seeing Darren struggling with his baggage.

“You forgot something?” Andy asks.

“No. But you did,” he says, panting.

Andy’s eyebrows meet in confusion. “What?”

“ _Me!_ You forgot me!”

Andy looks at him with both puzzlement and amusement.

Darren is pouting. “Don’t you remember? I’m going to nowhere with you.”

“You were serious?”

“Of course!”

“But . . . why?”

“Because just like you, I’m heading nowhere.”

“Stop saying that,” Andy says, frowning, “I’m not heading nowhere. I’m going somewhere. I just haven’t figured where exactly.”

“Great. Let’s go figure it out.”

Andy’s side mouth twitches and looks at him with bafflement. “Don’t you have anywhere else to go? Other plans?”

Darren shakes his head.

“I don’t have anywhere else to go,” Andy admits.

“Well, come on then, we’ll figure it out on the road.”

“We?”

“Don’t you understand? I’m your baggage now,” he explains.

“I’ll just lose you. I’m lost myself. I don’t know where this is.”

“Awesome. Now, we’re both lost. I don’t know where we are too.”

“Seriously?” Andy chuckles. “You rode on a bus and you don’t know where it’s going?”

“Hey! Speak for yourself,” Darren shoots back, “You did too.”

Andy purses her lips and scoops something out of her shoulder bag, shaking her head. “I won’t win this argument, will I?”

Darren looks at her smugly. “Nope. No you won’t.”

Andy glances at him. “I’m not talking to you.”

Darren frowns. Andy holds out a black pool ball, ridiculously larger than the normal ones. Darren’s brow shoots up and a teasing smile plays on his lips. “And you find me weird bringing a jar everywhere when you have a huge pool ball in your bag. Interesting.”

“This is a magic-8 ball,” Andy explains impatiently, “It answers my questions. And I never said you’re weird.”

“Cool! May I keep it?” Darren says, already making grabby hands to the magic ball.

“No,” Andy says, deadpan.

Darren pouts and leans closer to look at the ball. “Fine. What does it say then?”

Andy shakes it. “ _Without a doubt_ ,” she reads.

“ _Yes!_ ” Darren repulsively shouts and does a fist pump. “Let’s go!” he says, literally bouncing at his feet.

“Wait. Where?” Andy asks, “And don’t tell me nowhere. I’ll smack you.”

Darren grins and starts running, yanking her wrist in the process. “Somewhere,” he states, looking back at Andy. The wind blows through her hair, and Darren is pretty sure right then and there that he is truly _rapt_. “Somewhere only we know.”

~

**6.13AM**

They end up in a hole-in-a-wall café.

Standing outside the shop, Andy can point out its vintage, 50’s drive-in feel that actually seems genuine, like the owners are stuck in that era.

“Do you think it’s open?” he speaks first.

“The light is open inside.”

“But it doesn’t say that it’s open 24 hours.”

“The light is open inside,” Andy repeats, tilting her head to look over the glass wall. There is no one inside.

“Maybe it’s a trap.”

Andy turns to look at Darren as if he completely lost it. He’s still looking at the sign with wide, innocent eyes.

“What?”

“You know, like in movies. They hypnotize whoever bypasses and the owners act very kind at first but the truth is they will lure and then eventually eat the customers, like cannibals, you know?”

Andy rolls her eyes. “You’re ridiculous.”

“You never know,” Darren says and shrugs.

“Let’s just go in.”

“Um. Are you sure?”

Andy sighs in defeat. She ignores Darren’s whimper and walks inside the deserted shop. Darren reluctantly follows.

It turns out that Darren is right. The owners are kind, ( _too_ kind, Darren observed nervously) but fortunately, they aren’t cannibals like what Darren accused them of. The owners are two old married couple named Cecile and Frank who welcomed the two of them warmly.

The ambiance of the café is extremely pleasant. By entering, Andy and Darren already smell the sweet aroma of the coffee. There are few wooden tables with small, dark brown cushions for chairs. The café is filled with cheap paintings and the columns and dividers are made of real bricks. It is quite comfortable.

“So.” Darren exhales, sitting down the comfy chair across Andy. “Who are you?”

For about two or three seconds, Andy is troubled that she is dealing with a man who suffered from some severe memory loss.

“What?”

“You’re a woman who writes stuff but doesn’t have a publisher. You’ve never been out of the country, you drink super-sized drip with no additives, no sweeteners of any sort,” he says, “But that’s not who you are. That’s what you do.”

“I thought coffee orders tell a lot about someone,” Andy remarks.

“Then based on that alone, you’re either downright boring or you have a gloomy past that personified a conundrum.”

“I’d go with boring.”

“I don’t think so,” he contradicts, “So tell me. What’s your story?”

          Andy puts her coffee down after sipping. “No,” she says and shakes her head.

          “No?” he echoes.

          “No,” she confirms, “Let’s not go there. I quite like the suspense.”

          “Hmm, yeah, okay,” Darren considers and lifts the hot coffee mug up on his mouth.

          “Sometimes, it’s nice not knowing everything,” Andy mumbles. Darren watches as she looks down on her coffee mug with a serene yet unnerving look on her face, and then just like that he suddenly feels that there’s more to the sentence, but he decides not to question it further.

          “That makes perfect sense.” He shifts from his seat and sighs. “But that won’t stop me from asking questions.” He wiggles his eyebrows. “What’s your itinerary?”

          “I don’t have one.”

          “So what, you just badgered on a bus with nowhere to go, like literally?”

          “Pretty much.”

          “Really? No plans at all? No time to catch?”

          “None. I have no reason to get back right away.”

          Darren looks at her with another version of interest. “Oh, really? So, no special guy waiting for you at home?”

          Andy raises an eyebrow. “You know, you should have asked that before you hit on me.”

          Darren feigns a gasp of surprise. “Is that what I was doing? I was completely unaware.” He pauses. “And you didn’t answer my question, so please do before I assume.”

          “You have too many.”

          “Do you have a boyfriend?” he asks, bulls eyed.

          Andy eyes him for a moment, and Darren wishes he could read her mind. Alas, he isn’t blessed with that special power. Curse his gene and his boring nativity.

Andy drops her scrutinizing gaze. “You’re something,” she says.

          He grins cockily. “Come on. You could use better adjective than that,” Darren says, teasing.

          Andy purses her lips as she continues to stare at him. “Bouncy.”

          “Bouncy?” Darren repeats.

          “Peculiar.”

          “Really? Wow. I’ve never been called peculiar before.”

          “There’s always a first time.”

          Darren grins. “Come on. Describe me more.”

          “I don’t know you. That would make me pretty presumptuous.”

          “No, not at all. Please. I love hearing first impressions.”

          Andy doesn’t speak for a long time as she shamelessly stares at Darren’s face. “Describe me,” are her next words.

Darren leans his elbows on the table with his fingers laced together, his chin propped on them. “Mysterious. Laconic. Interesting.”

“Nosy,” Andy says and nods in what looks like a confirmation, “Yep. Definitely nosy.”

Darren frowns. “That’s it? That’s what I get?”

“Like I told you, I don’t know you.”

“But you’re good at observing. You knew I’m from San Francisco with just three facts. Wait – it’s not even three! One was a lie!”

“Garrulous,” she says out loud.

Darren’s nose scrunches and his eyebrows meet in confusion. “What?”

“You’re garrulous.”

Darren’s eyes widens. “Oh, God. A walking dictionary. Can’t you just say gorgeous? Or appealing? Charming, even?”

Andy’s mouth jerks in a small smile. “Fishing for compliment is never appealing.”

Darren playfully acts shy. “Aw, shit, you got me. I guess I’m getting too far.”

Andy’s brow shoots up in amusement. “You guess?”

Darren pouts. “I just want to impress.”

“You talk to impress?”

Darren cringes. “I’m losing points, am I?”

Andy nods solemnly.

“I should just stop talking now, shouldn’t I?”

Andy shakes her head.

Darren pouts and slumps on his seat. “So, this place is quite legit.”

Andy sighs in exasperation at how chatty Darren is, but on the other hand amazed about how he could stir one conversation flawlessly.

          Andy nods in agreement. “I like it. It’s nice.”

          Darren shifts from being petulant to bouncy again. “Nice? It’s awesome. Have you seen the paintings? There’s Mona Lisa without brows!”

          “Mona Lisa does not have brows,” Andy states matter-of-factly.

          “What? Of course she has. Everybody does.”

          “Dare, she don’t have,” Andy says, grabbing her mug once again. “Da Vinci painted her without one.” She takes a sip on her coffee and then looks at Darren through her eyelashes. He has his head tilted to the side with an idiotic smile plastered on his lips.

          “What?” she demands.

          “Nothing.” Darren smiles. “No one who doesn’t exactly know me well calls me Dare before. I’m usually just Darren or ‘hey you, short guy’. But you’re breaking records really well today. You called me by my nickname. And it’s the first time you said my name out loud.”

          Andy gives her best not amused look. “You’re ludicrous.”

          Darren only continues grinning. Andy rolls her eyes.

          Silence comes apparent in the cafe after that. Andy looks out the window as the sun slowly rises, giving the sky a rich yellow orange color as Darren keeps his eyes busy with the paintings around the shop.

          “So the glasses,” Darren starts.

          “Yes?”

          “I didn’t know you’re into hipster shit.”

          Andy glares at him. “They’re prescription.”

          Darren smiles a toothless smile, and that ends another short-lived conversation.

          “Hey look. They have a freedom wall,” he speaks, craning his neck and leaning back too much on the chair that Andy is pretty sure one slight wrong move and it will tip. She tilts her head sideways and sees a few colorful post-it notes plastered on a corner. Standing up, she slowly walks towards it.

          “Wow,” Darren muses, not noticing how Andy momentarily froze because of his breath hitting her neck.

          Stepping forward, Andy runs her fingers through the Post-it notes disarranged on the white wall, and her eyes flickers on the different Polaroid films with different unfamiliar faces plastered with it.

          “Hey. Andy,” Darren calls. She snaps her head towards his direction just as a flash went off that blinded her for a second. Blinking profusely, she sees Darren holding what looks like a vintage camera. He wiggles the film in the air as the picture comes to view.

          “Nice,” Darren muses. Andy makes a grab for it, but Darren holds it away from her.

          “Hey! Give that to me. That’s my picture!”

          “But I took it! It’s mine!”

          “It has my face in it, idiot! It’s mine!”

          “Hey! Your face in the picture does not make me an idiot, you idiot!”

A hesitant cough breaks the silly banter. Darren almost laughed at how Andy looked like a deer caught in the headlights as they see Cecile standing by the back door, amusement clear on her face. “I find you find the camera interesting,” she says.

“I-”

          “Um-”

          “We-”

          Cecile chuckles and waves her hand dismissively. “Here, let me take a proper picture of you both.”

          “Um. There’s no really need-”

          “Wonderful!” Darren hands the camera to Cecile.

          “Well, come on. Show me some lovin’,” Cecile teases. Darren jumps beside Andy and gives the widest smile she has ever seen. She has to laugh at how stupidly ridiculous he looks at the moment.

          And then the flash goes off.

          “Hey, wait,” Andy protests but realized it was too late as the film comes out of the old gadget. Darren bounces toward Cecile and leans in to look at the picture.

          “How lovely,” Cecile comments. Darren doesn’t say anything. He just stared at the picture with a goofy grin. “Let me put it here,” Cecile says, taking a tape and sticking it up on the wall. “Perfect,” she muses, “You know, we don’t really get costumers a lot, so when we do, we always take pictures of them. I hope you don’t mind.”

          “Not at all,” Darren assures her, grinning dopily.

          Cecile smiles and pats his cheek softly, “Lovely,” she says and sighs, “So, what’s the story, you two?”

          “Story?” Andy echoes.

          “Of course. Everyone has stories on how they ended up in this small town. So, what’s yours?”

          Andy glances at Darren for help, but he is oblivious of it.

          “We’re heading nowhere,” Darren answers, beaming. Andy resisted the urge to roll her eyes and smack him.

          “Is that so?” Cecile says enthusiastically.

“There’s really no story,” Andy prompts, “Of the two of us, anyway. We just met. Um, I am just traveling around.”

          “Oh. A wanderer,” Cecile says, and then her eyes flick to Darren “And you, boy?”

          “Um, I guess I am too?” he says with uncertainty.

          Cecile smiles in understanding. “Alright. I guess I’ll leave you two alone for a while. Do you want a refill?”

          “I’m fine, thank you,” Andy mumbles unison to Darren saying, “I’m good, thanks.”

          “Okay. Well then, call me if you need something, alright? Have a good day sweethearts.”

          “Thank you,” Andy says before going back to their seats. A few seconds later, Darren joins her.

Once again, silence enveloped them.

“May I borrow your magic 8-ball?” Darren speaks. Without answering, Andy fishes the ball out of her bag and rolls it across the table towards Darren.

“Alright,” Darren says and shakes the ball in his hands, “Let’s see . . . Am I pretty?”

Andy scoffs, but Darren ignores her. “ _Outlook good_ ,” he reads and sticks his tongue out at Andy.

“What are you, five?”

“Am I five?” Darren asks and Andy groans.

“Oh, God.”

“ _Signs point to yes_ ,” he reads and his eyebrows furrows as Andy’s laughter fills the café.

“You’re lying, right?” Darren asks.

“That’s cheating! You can’t make it take back what it said.”

“There are no rules,” Darren says and looks at the ball, “ _It is certain_. Ha! See, I’m not five.” Darren pauses and looks out the window with full concentration in his eyes.

“Is it going to be a good day today?” Both of them wait for the answer. “ _As I see it yes_.” Darren grins, and Andy’s lips twitch.

“Give it to me. I have a question,” Andy says, making grabby hands to the ball.

“No, wait. I have my last question,” Darren says and starts shaking the ball again. “Should Andy and I be best friends forever?”

“Please,” Andy sighs and rolls her eyes.

“ _Abso-fucking-lutely_. Whoa. Too much enthusiasm there, buddy,” he says to the ball with a chuckle.

“You’re too much,” Andy says, shaking her head, “What did it really say?”

“ _Better not tell you now,”_ Darren reads and stares at the ball.

Andy smirks. “Hand it over,” she demands. Darren rolls it towards her.

“But seriously, are we at least friends?” Darren asks, looking intently at Andy.

“No,” Andy says, “We’re wanderers.”

“Can’t we be friends _and_ wanderers?” Darren looks genuinely distraught.

Andy shakes her head. “No.”

“But I want us to be friends,” Darren whines.

Andy takes a long sip on her coffee before answering, “Not everything you want, you get.”

Darren’s brow shoots up and smirks.

_Oh, but the thing is, what Darren wants, Darren fucking gets._

“We’ll see.”

Andy gives him an amused look, but doesn’t say anything. She continues drinking her coffee, and while Darren sits back against the chair and relaxes, he noticesa sunbeam falling right on Andy’s face.

That is the second time he thinks of the word _beautiful_ and genuinely means it when he looks at his enigmatic companion across him.


	4. Hello Mr. Sun

**April 16, 2014, 9.47AM**

“Will you stop?”

          “No.”

          “What the hell are you doing?”

          “I’m making a poem.”

          “By taking the first lines of every song on the radio?”

          “Apparently, yes.”

          Andy groans and slumps lower on the passenger seat as she watches Darren push the now abused button for the nth time.

          “ _Some things we don’t talk about,_ ” Darren sings with the song and then once again changes the station.

          “ _It’s empty in the valley of your heart_.”

          “ _Peter, can I go back home?_ ”

          “ _Now she’s back on the atmosphere._ ”

          “ _Do you know where your heart is?_ ”

          “Okay. Stop. It doesn’t make any sense,” Andy says and slaps Darren’s hand away from the molested button.

          “Fuck sense. Some things are meant to be nonsense,” Darren states. “I’m a fucking poet, man.”

          “You’re nonsense,” Andy shoots back. “You know, I still can’t believe Frank let you use his truck,” Andy says, tipping her seat farther back. She props her feet up, crosses her ankles and rests it on the dashboard, making herself comfortable.

          “I have my ways.”

          Andy gives Darren an amused look. “Like what?”

        “Eh,” Darren says and shrugs. “A little charm did it.”

          “Of course,” Andy mutters, picking the strings of Darren’s guitar.

          “Plus, it’s not like I’ll steal it or something. I’m just the type of guy who looks like a really trustworthy person that even strangers will allow me to watch their children. I babysat my neighbor’s kid way back when and Mrs. Fisher likes – no - _loves_ me.”

          “Or the people here just really don’t have trust issues. Cecile even offered their house to us,” Andy says.

          “She did?”

          “Yep. Said if we’re planning on staying here for a few more days, we can stay in there for the mean time. You wanna hear something crazy? It’s free of charge.”

          “Gosh. I can’t believe I could charm someone’s pants that hardcore,” Darren muses.

          Andy rolls her eyes. “You know what? I’m pretty sure you don’t have a beard way back when you babysat.”

          “You’re a mean person.”

          Andy chuckles. “Sorry.”

          “No, you’re not.”

          “No, I’m not.”

          “Does it really look that bad?”

          “It’s not bad,” she says. “It’s pretty. Suits you.”

          “Oh. So I’m pretty,” he says, smiling goofily.

          “Yeah, keep telling that to yourself, bud.”

          “My momma said I’m pretty,” he says, nudging Andy by his elbow. Andy only scoffs and rolls her eyes once again.

          “Are you insomniac or something?” he suddenly asks, glancing at Andy before turning back to look at the empty road.

          “Maybe,” Andy answers absent-mindedly.

          “Not sleeping is not healthy, you know?”

          “Yeah?”

          “Uh, yeah?” Darren says as if it is painfully obvious.

          “Well, I don’t want to miss seeing the world,” she says.

          “A few hours of unconsciousness won’t make any difference,” he says.

          “Wrong,” she says and shakes her head. “It will never be the same.”

          Darren gives her a weird look. “Look. If you wake up from slumber, the world’s still the same. Birds are still chirping. People are still assholes.”

          “And you’re still gonna be here.”

          “Please,” Darren says and scoffs. “You love me as a company.”

          Andy rolls her eyes. “It’s not this world I miss seeing,” she says. Darren looks at her comically, but she ignores him. “Your world sucks, so I go to my own.”

          “And how is your world less sucky than this world?”

          “Well, for starters, in my world, I belong to no one. In this world, I belong to no one, who kind of belongs to everyone, who has nothing, who wants everything.”

          “Seems pretty reclusive.”

          “Yeah, but it’s better.”

          “For you,” he says. “But how about the people that cares for you? Don’t you think isolating yourself means you’re making them feel isolated too?”

          “That’s why I’m here. Away,” she says quietly.

          “A bit selfish, don’t you think?”

          “I honestly don’t give a fuck.”

          A beat, and then - “See, that’s where you’re wrong.”

          Andy looks at him quizzically.

          Darren sees it, and he smiles. “You’re here because you don’t want them hurt. It’s pretty much the opposite, if you think about it.” Darren glances at Andy with a wolfish grin. “Reverse psychology shit.”

          Andy stares at him. “I won’t be getting rid of you anytime soon, will I?”

Darren shrugs and grins. “The magic ball had spoken.”

“Yeah, did anybody tell you you’re a dork?”

“The awesome-est dork ever, hell yeah!”

          “Yep.” Andy sighs and nods in confirmation. “Dork.” And then out of nowhere, she sits upright so fast Darren flinches and momentarily lost his grip on the stirring wheel.

          “What the hell?” he shouts.

“Pull over,” Andy demands.

          “What?”

          “Pull over!”

          “Why?”

          “Just do what I said!” she screams.

          “Okay, okay! Fine. Wait. Jeez.”

          Darren stops at the side of the empty highway. “What now?” he demands.

          “Shh!” she prompts, covering his mouth with her hand to which Darren deliberately licks. With an appalled look on her face, Andy immediately pulls back and glares at Darren. “You’re disgusting.”

          “What’s going on?” Darren demands.

          Andy doesn’t answer. Darren just stares at her, clearly annoyed. Silence envelopes the whole truck.

“That’s it. Come on.” Andy opens the door and jumps out.

          “What? Where are you going?” Darren exclaims. “Don’t kidnap my guitar!”

          “You stink, Darren,” Andy shouts, walking across the empty road.

          “So do you!” Darren shoots back and groans. “Hey! Wait!” Scrambling out of the truck, he hesitantly jogs after Andy who ostensibly walked right through the trees.

          It is a lot cooler under the shade of the trees, but also a little muggy. Darren can feel himself sweating in his t-shirt, and he has an underlying urge to just take it off.

          “I don’t think this is a good idea.” Darren pushes away the frond of a plant he doesn’t know the name of. Andy doesn’t say anything. She just keeps on walking, leaning in closely as if nature’s whispering something to her. Darren thinks it is weird and really creepy as hell.

          “Um. Andy, can I ask a question?” Darren asks after a minute of silence.

          “You can ask but you may not,” Andy mumbles absent-mindedly, carefully navigating herself over some boulders.

          “Smarty-pants,” Darren mutters.

          Darren doesn’t know how many minutes passed, but Andy stops in her tracks as she pushes through to the clearing.

          Darren stands beside Andy and takes in the sight that greeted them. There, in front of him, is a pool of blue green water at the bottom of a rushing waterfall. There is lush greenery all around, and it looks so secluded, as if no one has ever been there before. All in all it looks magnificent.

          Darren opens his mouth to say something and all comes out is a ‘wow’.

          With a determined face, Andy climbs up the huge boulder on the other side of the clearing. Putting the guitar down in her hand and shrugging the shoulder bag and her boots off, she without further ado takes a couple steps back and then runs forward, jumping into the wide pool from at least 20 feet up.

          “Hey, what are you - what the fuck!” Darren squawks as he sees Andy hit the water, sending a wave flying up onto those boulders on the edge of the pool.

          “Holy fucking shit! Andy!” Darren shouts. He can literally hear his heartbeat thumping every second as he looks around and couldn’t see her head surfacing the water.

          It is all silent for a second, and then – “I lived!”

          “Fuck!” he exclaims as laughter erupts across the area. His head flies to the small rocks at his side and finds Andy starting to get out of the water.

          He runs toward her, and he doesn’t care if he hurt Andy in the process when he deliberately crashed his body with hers because _godfuckingdamnit_. Andy lost her balance momentarily because of the sudden impact, almost knocking her off, but Darren holds her and squeezes her in place.

          “What the hell is wrong with you?!” Darren shouts, gripping Andy’s arms and shakes her. “Are you mad? You almost gave me a heart attack!”

          Andy is startled for a moment, clearly surprised at how Darren reacted with all this, but then she recovers and composes herself immediately. “That was such a rush!” she exclaims, laughing.

          “Don’t ever do that again, alright?” Darren exclaims.

          “But it was fun!” Andy whines, panting.

          “It was dangerous and it was not fucking fun for me!”

          Andy dismisses him. “You have to try it! Come on! Let’s go!” she says, grabbing Darren’s hand as they both climb up the rocks.

          “Oh, God. If I die, I’ll haunt you forever, and that is half-meant!” Darren says as they reach the top. Andy chuckles as he hand her his shirt.

          “Come on, jump!” Andy encourages. Darren takes a few steps back to give a good start, takes a breath, and leaps.

          “ _I love you mummy_!”

It probably took two seconds for Darren to reach the water, but in that short time, Darren never felt freer than he’d ever felt in his entire life. He loves the wind rushing in his ears, the spray of the water against his skin and the anticipation in his gut.

          Darren comes up to the surface gasping, and the first thing he notices is the _laugh_ – that one laugh that made the hair on his arms stand. Looking up, he finds Andy looking down on him, her lips curved up into a delicate half-moon and her eyes barely visible as she doubles over laughing. An inexplicable warmth blossomed forth deep inside Darren, and that is then that he knows he would do _anything_ just to hear that laugh again – as if making Andy laugh is his sole purpose in life.

          He comes out of the water and races back up to the top where Andy is waiting for him, smiling like a proud momma. Panting, he reaches Andy and stretches out next her.

          “Okay, I gotta say, that was really incredible,” Darren admits, gasping for air. Andy gazes at him behind her shoulder, chuckles, but does not say anything more. For a moment, the only prominent sound heard are the rigorous fall of the water and his deep breathing. The silence that enveloped them is quite refreshing.

          With legs dangling over the edge of the cliff, Andy cranes over to look at the blue pool below while Darren stares up at the clear sky above them.

          “Do you really do impulsive things like that?” he asks after a moment.

          “Pretty much.”      

          “Well you should give me a heads up somehow. I almost died.”

          Andy chuckles. “Duly noted.”

          Unconsciously, Darren starts humming, and Andy sighs, feeling more relaxed than ever. He pulls his then neglected guitar towards him and racks his brain for some familiar chords.

          “I love hearing secrets. Can I hear yours?” he says. He knows it was an out-of-the-blue question, but with almost a day spent with the woman, he knows out-of-the-blue is something normal - something like a _thing_ for them. Darren unconsciously smiles at the thought that they have a thing going on, like an inside joke between the two of them.

          “I’ll tell you, but then I have to kill you first.”

          “Shoot. Kill me,” he says.

          Andy’s nose scrunches. “I take it back. Killing you seems like a waste of time,” she says instead.

          “Ouch,” Darren fakes mock-hurt.

She throws her head back so now she is sprawled out in an open space beside Darren, their arms vaguely touching.

For a second, everything falls silent once again.

          “Nightmares,” Andy says in a quiet tone after a few minutes. Darren stops humming and turns his head sideways. He watches Andy as she keeps her head up to look at the sky, only blinking a few times.

          Something suddenly clicks, and he shudders, amazed how a single word seems to clear lots of things for him.

          “What are they like?”

          “Darkness. Plain black. I’m falling endlessly.” She pauses and swallows. “It’s scary.”

          Darren stops for a moment. “Does anybody know?”

          “No.”

          “Why don’t you tell anyone?”

          Andy chuckles, but it is not from happiness. “No one asked.” _Bitterness._ “Only a few people really care. The rest are just curious.”

          “I didn’t.”

          Andy finally looks over at Darren. Her shoulders brush with his, and he could literally feel his warm breath against her cold, damp skin. “I know. But I want you to know.”

          Darren nods. “Thank you. For telling me.” He then looks up at the sky, sighs, and then says, “The hell with it.”

          “What?”

          “Those nightmares. The hell with it,” he says.

          Andy smiles a little bit. “The hell with it,” she echoes.

                Darren stares at her and wonders how one could be so goddamn beautiful.

          And there are the hearty eyes again.

          _Still soon._

          “Crap,” Andy says and sits upright.

          Darren sits up too, looking at her with curiosity. “What’s wrong?”

          “Let’s get out of here.”

          “Why?”

          “It’s crowded.”

          Darren stares at Andy. He can never understand how her brain works, but for some reason, it just makes him want to stick with her more.

          “Alright,” Darren says and stands. Instinctively, he offers her his hand, but she dismisses it and stands on her own.

          “Hold on a sec though,” Andy calls, rummaging through her bag. She pulls out a white camera and pulls Darren at the edge of the rocks. Focusing it on Darren standing over the cliff, she doesn’t bother telling him to pose or anything. Instead, she presses the button.

          Darren looks back to her. “Hey. It’s like Cecile’s,” he muses, walking towards Andy. She waves the film and the picture goes clear.

          “I thought you hated pictures.”

          “I never said that,” Andy says, giving Darren a funny look.

          “What’s that for?”

          “Keepsake. Don’t judge. It’s not every day that you get to see this.” Andy pushes the camera back to her bag alongside the picture.

          “I wonder what’s more inside of that mystical bag of yours,” Darren says.

          “Huh,” Andy says, walking back to the now familiar path. “Keep wondering.”

          “You won’t tell me?”

          “I will,” Andy says and glances back at Darren. “But then I’ll have to kill you first.”

          Darren chuckles. “One day, I’ll open you.”

          Andy looks at him, her mirth clearly visible.

          “I’ll open you and I’m going to rock your world,” he continues.

          Andy only laughs.

          “What? You think I don’t mean it? I do,” he says, suddenly feeling challenged. Andy looks like she’s not taking him very seriously when in fact he means every word he’s saying. “I’m going to rock your world so hard you’d never want to live there.”

          “Ha. I’d like to see you try,” Andy says.

          “But I need your cooperation. Let me in, Andy.”

          “Of course not.”

          “Fine. Another challenge, I suppose.”

          Andy glances at him and says, “Can’t wait to see you fail.”

          “Nope. Don’t you know? Winning is my middle name.”

          The woman snorts. “That’s actually funny, because I never lose.” She stops from her pace and Darren mutters an ‘ow’ as he collides with her back.

          “What?” he demands.

          Andy turns around to look at him. “What’s your name?”

          Darren looks at her incredulously. “Uh, Darren?”

          Andy rolls her eyes. “Your whole name, dork,” she says.

          Darren’s eyebrows shoot up as a smug look appears in his face. “And why do you want to know?”

          Andy shrugs. “Sheer curiosity.”

          Darren eyes her dubiously for a second before saying, “It’s Darren Everett Criss.”

          Andy smiles. “Everett. Funny.”

          “Yeah, I’ll let my mom know that.”

          “It’s unique,” Andy says. “I like it.”

          “Thanks.” Darren looks genuinely pleased.

          “Hi Darren.”

          “Hi Andy.”

          Andy smirks and starts walking back again.

          “What?” Darren demands with soft voice.

          “Dork,” Andy confirms matter-of-factly.

~

**1.23PM**

“I want to fly,” Andy blurts out of nowhere.

          Darren glances at her. “Of course you do,” he says, sarcasm dripping in his voice.

          “No, really, I want to,” Andy says, firmer this time.

          “Everybody does.”

          “I want to fly right now.” Andy holds so much certainty in her tone. Without further warning, she opens up the small, transparent window behind the truck and starts slotting her body through it.

          “What the - Andy, stop,” Darren says, torn between keeping his eyes on the straight, empty road ahead of them and on the stubborn woman with him.

          Andy giggles – _she fucking_ _giggles_ – when she successfully slid her whole body through the small window.

          “Darren. Drive fast,” she shouts through the wind as she keeps balance on the back of the truck with nothing to hold on.

          “What the hell are you doing?” Darren shouts.

          “Turn the radio up and drive faster!” she commands.

          “You’re crazy!”

          “Come on, Darren! I wanna fly!”

          Reluctantly, Darren complies, earning a loud, happy laugh from Andy. He manages to look at her every few seconds through the rear-view mirror, and with her eyes tightly closed; with her long, brunette hair flying uncontrollably through the wind and with both of her arms spread out wide, the only thought running through his head at the moment is: _fuckityfuckfuckfucksososofuckingbeautifulit’snotevenfunnyanymorefuckshitI’msowhippedohmyholyshit_.

          “You’re crazy!” he shouts, originally trying to sound angry, but the ridiculous smile on his face gives it away. “Did I tell you that already?”

          Andy opens one eye and spares Darren a glance. “I’m flying, Darren!”

          “Yeah, you are! That doesn’t make you less crazy though!” he says.

          “The only way to stay sane is to go a little crazy, grasshopper.”

          “What the fuck? Grasshopper?” Darren says and laughs out loud.

          Andy only smiles.

~

**3.19PM**

“Andy, the ground is shaking.”

          “I know.” Andy peeks through her sunglasses and chuckles at Darren’s panicky face as he looms over her.

          “I could see it already, Andy.”

          Andy cranes her neck sideways. “I do, too.”

          “Andy. I think it’s time for you to stand.”

          Darren’s voice is unsurprisingly shaky. Andy restrains from laughing as she watches him do what looks like the pee-pee dance. “Nah, it’s comfortable here. Come on, lie with me,” she says.

          “It’s getting closer, Andy,” Darren says, already bouncing up and down in anxiety.

          “It’s noisy.”

          “Yeah, uh-huh. Okay. Game’s over. You win. You have to stand up. _Now._ ”

          “But it’s comfy.”

          “What the fuck, Andy! The train’s nearing!” Darren screams.

          “I could see that!” Andy screams back.

          “Oh, you motherfucking- you are so fucking stubborn!” For a moment, Andy sees how Darren’s eyes darken as he forcefully yank Andy up on the train’s railway where she was lying. Darren wraps his arms around her protectively and squeezes her as the train passes by. Apparently, lying on the train’s railway with the train about to pass is one of her fun ideas.

          When the train is out of sight and the only thing being heard is the loud beating of Darren’s heart, he finally pulls away.

          “Darren-”

          “If you wanted to kill yourself, just fucking do it! But don’t do it right in front of me! Fuck!”

          And he turns away.

~

**3.43PM**

“What is green and has wheels?”

          Silence.

          “Grass. I lied about the wheels.”

          Silence.

          “Why wasn’t the pirate allowed into the movie?”

          Silence.

          “Because it was rated Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”

          Silence.

          “Why is the scarecrow famous for its job?”

          Silence.

          “Because it was outstanding!”

          Silence.

          “I’m sorry, Darren,” Andy mumbles, guilt clear on the tone of her voice.

          For the nth time, Darren ignores her and keeps his eyes on the road.

          Andy slumps further on the passenger seat.

          They are both sulking on the way back.

~

**3.57PM**

Darren is sitting on the couch staring at nothing when a tray of cookies appeared in front of him. There is six of it; each has icing letters that spells S-O-R-R-Y and the last one with a sad face emoticon.

          Darren only stares.

          “I made them,” Andy mumbles, her head down and hands intertwined in front of her.

          Darren eyes her.

          “Fine, I helped making it.”

          His eyebrows rise.

          Andy rolls her eyes and crosses her arms, the look of defeat still prominent in her face. “Okay, whatever, I bought it from the shop.”

          Darren only stares at her.

          She groans loud and brings her hands to her side in a petulant way. “Ah, fuck it. I got it from the shop.”

          Silence.

          “I didn’t steal it! Cecile offered them to me!” she defends. “I did the letters, though. That counts as something, right?”

          “Cecile offered them,” Darren repeats.

          She groans again. “I was desperate, okay? This is weird for me as it is for them. You were sulking and they noticed. Darren’s never quiet,” Andy mimics then hold her hands up in defence. “Frank’s words, not mine!”

          Darren stares at Andy a bit longer before looking down at the cookies.

          “I’m just really sorry, Darren,” Andy says, almost whining. When Darren doesn’t speak, Andy groans for the third time and slumps on the seat across him in a frustrated manner. “God, I’m sorry. As you can see this is so hard for me. I never apologize. Ever. I lost my cousin in a mall once but I never said sorry to my Aunt. I even killed my brother’s fish Stewart but I didn’t say sorry even if he ignored me for a whole two weeks. But, action speaks louder than words, right?” she says hopefully. She finally meets Darren’s gaze and is a bit startled that he is staring at her.

          “You . . . lost your cousin in a mall?”

          “I’m not very careful with my things,” Andy mumbles solemnly.

          “Your cousin,” Darren repeats. “Human.”

          She glares at him. “Fine. I’m not very mindful with everything, but fuck it, I don’t care.” She pauses. “And it’s not like he was never found. Eiman had been lounging in the security office for two hours eating sweets. If we look in closer, he was more benefited than anything.”

          “You’re . . . you’re so . . .”

          “Sorry?” Andy helps.

          “You’re such a pain-in-the-ass,” Darren says out loud. “You’re such a pain-in-the-ass, you know that? You’re-”

          “Enough compliments,” Andy interjects. “So, we’re okay?”

          “You’re the only person that I know who would take that as a compliment.”

          “I’ll take that as a yes?” she says tentatively.

          “Oh my God. Come here,” Darren says, standing up and pulling Andy in his arms. Instinctively, she finds herself slotting her face between Darren’s neck and shoulder. “Don’t ever do that again. I’m begging you.”

          Darren sounds _really_ stressed and _really_ begging, and Andy has to laugh at that. “Yes, yes. I’m sorry.”

          “I am so holding this over you forever. The next time we fight I’m going to bring this up and say _hey Andy, remember the time you thought lying on the train’s railway with the train coming was so fun and cool and you almost died but I pulled you up and basically spared your life? Remember that?_ Fuck, I will remind you forever,” Darren says, his eyes narrowing. “Remember this moment.”

          “Wait, you did _what?_ ”

          Darren and Andy break apart and watch Cecile and Frank emerge from the kitchen with wide, terrified eyes.

          “Andy, you didn’t! Dear, please tell me you didn’t!” Cecile says with very audible panic in her voice. Darren looks at her pointedly with a smug look on his face, but Andy is too busy fidgeting.

          “Um, I wasn’t really planning to get hit,” Andy tries tentatively. “I was really going to stand. Darren just pulled me sooner. But I would stand!” she defends. “I don’t want to die like that! And it wasn’t so near, anyway . . .”

          “What?” Darren’s head whips on Andy’s direction and gapes. “It was near! It was near enough to kill both of us!” he exclaims.

          Andy rolls her eyes and turns to Darren. “Of course it isn’t! You’re exaggerating!”

          “I’m exaggerating?” Darren repeats unbelievably. “It was seconds away from killing you!”

          “That doesn’t make it near enough to kill both of us! Make a better statement in this argument, will you?”

          “Oh my God. I am so regretting forgiving you so easy!”

          “Yeah? Like how it was so easy to get your forgiveness? Cookies? Pah!”

          “You had me at the wheels joke! I just had to resist it!” he screams and pauses when he realizes he isn’t exactly helping in defending his side. “And the cookies looks delicious!” he adds loudly.

          “Okay, guys-”

          “Of course it does! I decorated it!”

          Darren gapes. “You just wrote five letters and a freaking sad face! Where’s the effort in that?”

          “Oh, you don’t talk to me about effort, mister! I-”

          “Enough!” Frank shouts, stopping the all-out banter. Cecile’s eyes lands on Darren, and then they bounces back and forth between him and Andy as if watching a tennis match.

          “Oh, God,” Cecile says and face-palms. “Kids these days,” she mutters to herself.

          “We’re just gonna leave,” Frank says, leading his wife back to the kitchen.

          “Yeah, yeah. We should. My head’s getting dizzy from all the shouting . . .”

          “I – uh, we’re sorry guys!” Andy tries and groans. “Oh God. They’re probably rethinking about inviting us in their house.” She looks at Darren for some consolation but she only finds him glaring at her.

          She shakes her head and rolls her eyes.

          “Idiot,” she mumbles, walking away from the living room.

          “Hey, I heard that!” Darren shouts. “Pain-in-the-ass,” he mutters lowly.

          A flying shoe hitting Darren’s face ended the argument.


	5. High

**April 16, 2014, 8.13PM**

Standing by the kitchen door, Andy finds herself staring at Darren’s tan bare back.

“Um. Darren.”

The man whips around, finding a now awake Andy who is currently fidgeting with her hands. He grins. “Oh, hey. You’re awake. How’s sleep?”

Andy shrugs. “Tis’ fine.”

“Good, good. Would you like anything? Coffee? Tea?” Darren pauses and winks at Andy mischievously. “Me?”

Andy passes him an unimpressed look. “Um, no thanks. I have a few questions, though.”

Darren frowns for a bit before shrugging. “Okay. Shoot.”

“Um. Didn’t we just fight?”

“Don’t worry, you’re forgiven.”

Andy scowls. “Yeah, don’t start,” she says. “Okay. Um. Why am I in your clothes?”

Darren gives Andy a very quick over-all look before turning back to what he’s cooking, smirking to himself. “Oh, yeah. Um. You don’t have any.” As if reading her mind, he looks back at her for a brief second. “Cecile changed you.”

Walking inside the kitchen, she slides to one of the stools and rests her arms on the counter. “What are you doing?”

          “Cooking.”

          “I could see that. But what _are_ you cooking?”

          “Smells nice, eh?” Darren says, grinning back at Andy before turning his head back to the pan. “It’s a native dish from where my mom came from.”

          “Um. Okay? From where?”

          And suddenly, Darren is trying to contain the six year old boy going nuclear excited inside him. “Well, okay, let me tell you the story. So Cecile and I went to the town market when you were dozing off. I discovered this small Filipino store and they all have these souvenirs from the Philippines and they also sell some of their native delis. And you know what’s crazy? Cecile’s actually a Filipino! Like, how great is that, man! Anyway, I asked permission from her and now here I am, cooking in her kitchen with one of the most delicious dishes I’ve ever tasted, _pancit_!”

          “Philippines?”

          Darren beams. “Yup. My mother’s from there. Cool, huh?”

          Andy brings her hand to her mouth as she stares at Darren. “Cool,” she says after a moment.

“Ah, and she’s awake!” Cecile exclaims, waltzing in to the kitchen.

“Thank you for letting us stay here again, Cecile,” Andy prompts. “And I’m really sorry about a while back.”

Cecile softly pats Andy’s cheek. “Of course, of course. It’s not every day that we get guests here,” she says, giving a warm smile that makes Andy feel suddenly overwhelmed.

The old woman walks towards Darren and Andy watches how he wraps his one free arm around Cecile’s shoulders as if they had known each other for a very long time. “Especially one who’s apparently half Filipino. Is it ready?” Cecile adds.

“Yes, it’s done,” Darren says.

“It smells good,” Cecile compliments.

“You have to taste this,” Darren prompts, serving a plate for Andy. “ _Masarap_. It meant delicious in Filipino.”

“Really, now?” Andy says, too enthusiastically. Darren swirls some noodles into the fork and raises it to Andy’s mouth. Andy’s eyebrows furrow as she realize what he’s trying to do.

“Come on, open up,” Darren coos and starts making airplane noises.

Andy literally wants to punch him in the face right then and there.

She doesn’t.

Instead, she takes the fork from Darren’s grasp and glares at him. Darren frowns. “Fine. Eat it, then. And then you’ve got to tell me ‘ _maraming salamat’_. That meant thank you.”

Andy brings the fork to her mouth and shoves it inside. Chewing down the noodles, she notices Darren looking at her expectantly.

“Is it _masarap_?” Darren asks.

Seeing the keen look on the happy man’s face, she disses the thought of teasing him. The dish is surprisingly good and a little credit should be in order.

“Is it? Is it?” Darren presses, and Andy glares at him.

“Fine. Yes, it’s good,” she admits. Darren makes a happy noise and a fist pump.

“I knew it! Andy, you have got to taste other delicacies there. It’s legit. There are balut, lumpia, and bibingka . . .” he rumbles, throwing his hands up everywhere.

“Don’t forget lechon,” Cecile pipes in.

Darren’s eyes widens comically. “Oh God! Yes! I’m telling you, you have never lived until you’ve eaten lechon!”

Andy smiles. It amused her how enthusiastic Darren gets about almost anything.

“I’ll take you there one day,” he then says, and Andy has to look up at the man. He looks genuinely happy and earnest about what he said.

“You don’t make promises you wouldn’t do, young man,” Cecile says.

“Oh trust me, I will. I am a man of words, Cecile,” he says and grins that Darren grin.

“Alright then, honey, if you say so. I’m gonna bring Frank some of these in the shop,” Cecile says. “Oh, and Darren? I got all you asked. The truck’s in the garage.”

“Great! _Maraming_ _salamat_ ,” Darren says, opening the back door for Cecile. Darren and Andy both watches as the old woman trudges down going to the coffee shop.

Darren gazes at Andy and finds her raising an eyebrow at him. “Truck?”

He grins. “You’ll see. Grab your things.”

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Darren hesitates for a moment before saying, “Let’s get drunk,” with so much certainty. “And tell each other everything we’re afraid to say sober.”

Darren watches her as he waits for the inevitable reluctance. But the woman just shrugs, and for the nth time since they met, continues to surprise him. “Okay,” she says, standing up.

“Oh, uh, hey. Wait.” Andy watches Darren slowly approaching her, noticing that for the first time since they met, he looks quite _uneasy_. “Hey, and I, um, I got you something.”

Darren fishes it in his pocket, and Andy’s brows shoot up in surprise when she sees what it is. “Dream catcher,” he informs, holding it out to her. Andy grazes her fingers to the feather. “Apparently, it catches bad dreams.”

Cradling the small object in her hand, she finally looks at Darren and finds him already staring at her. “ _Salamat_ ,” she mumbles nonplus and again stares at the object.

“Um, you’re welcome. The color matches your eyes.”

Andy only nods, reluctant to meet Darren’s gaze.

“Yep. Um. So go. Get your things,” the man says after a few heartbeats.

Andy complies. Reaching the kitchen door, she stops and looks back to Darren, who is looking down on the marble counter.

          “Hey, D,” she calls. Darren’s head whips up and raises his eyebrows at her. “I wouldn’t mind.”

          “Wouldn’t mind what?”

          “If you changed me.”

          Darren reels back a bit, mouth working wordlessly for a few moments. Andy notices and refrains herself from laughing as Darren’s Adam’s apple bobs and he nods.

“Noted.”

~

**10.38PM**

“We could get arrested.”

          “For the nth time, we didn’t steal Frank’s car. He was even eager to let me drive it.”

          “No. I lied. I’m nineteen. I shouldn’t be drinking.”

          Darren chokes on his beer. “Seriously?” he splutters.

          Andy laughs out loud as Darren dry-heaves. “No. I just want to see your reaction.”

          “I hope you’re happy,” Darren says, glaring.

          She giggles. “I am.”

          “Glad to hear. My pants are soaking,” he whines. Andy pats Darren’s head in consolation and swigs the beer in her other hand.

          “ _Walang anuman_.”

          Darren stops fanning his pants to look at Andy. “Huh?”

          “You should’ve said _walang anuman_ to me in the kitchen when I said _salamat_ ,” Andy explains patiently, her breath visible in the cold, dark night. “It meant you’re welcome.”

          Darren looks genuinely confused. “Wait. What? You know Filipino?”

          Andy chuckles and takes another swig before answering. “I _am_ Filipino.”

          “You’re shitting me,” Darren says, looking at her with wide eyes. “Seriously?” Andy nods. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

          “I don’t want to spoil your fun. You looked really happy about your facts.”

          “Well now I feel like an idiot.”

          “Don’t be. Mostly you said were true.”

          Darren shakes his head. “Fuck this. I want to know more. Tell me.”

          “Nope.”

          “Why not?”

          “Because then you’d crack me open and you’d win by default,” Andy says. “And I hate losing.”

Darren is silent for a minute. “You lied, then. You said you’ve never been out of the country.”

Andy nods. “I did. I’m sorry.”

“Why did you lie?”

“I don’t know. I guess I forgot.”

Baffled, Darren asks, “How could you forget the first time you rode an airplane?”

“It was months ago,” Andy defends. “And it’s pretty irrelevant to remember. My ass was stuck on the airplane seat for sixteen hours. No fun.” She then grins. “Hey.” Bumping her knees with Darren’s, she continues, “You’re getting better at observing.”

“I’m trying,” he says and swigs. “Hey Andy.”

          “What?”

          “Let me in.”

          “Nice try.” Andy smirks and shakes her head. “I don’t think so.”

          “But why?”

          “Because.” Andy let the end of the sentence hang delicately in the air between them.

          Darren sighs in defeat. Looking at her, he finds himself wondering how one could be so strange and shrouded in mystery. The woman speaks in riddles and she emanates confidence and knowledge and Darren will be damned if he doesn’t find it so sexy. “Fine. Let’s play a game.”

          “No.”

          Darren expects that answer, but he’d be lying if he says he’ll stop right there. “Come on!” he insists, nudging her with his knees.

          Andy gives Darren a look, noticing how his eyes are wide and clearly excited. She sighs in defeat. For the past twenty-four hours, she had learned just to agree with this excited and child version of Darren because both of them knows how it will end either way. “What kind?”

          For a brief second, Darren is surprised Andy gave up that easily, but then before any regrets happen, he quickly composes himself and sits straighter. “Okay. So, we’re just going to have a simple conversation. I’ll ask, you answer and vice versa,” he explains. “But, you must answer in question form too.”

          “And? What’s the consequence?”

          “It’s up to whoever wins.”

          “Alright. Fine. Let’s do this shit. I’ll start.” Andy pauses. “Why were you on that bus?”

          Darren purses his lips. “Is it crazy if I say I was having an existential crisis?”

          “So you ran?”

          Darren smiles sheepishly. “It’s irresponsible, isn’t it?”

          “Is it crazy if I say it isn’t?”

Darren shakes his head. “Why?”

          A couple of silent seconds, and then she says, “Am I crazy if I say we have the same reason?”

          With that, Darren’s eyes widen. Another piece of the riddle that makes Andy’s life has been revealed, a riddle which Darren is certain he’ll figure out with a little more time. He’s not in a hurry.

          “Seriously?”

          “Do I look like I’m kidding?”

“Does anyone know?”

“It’s called running away for a reason, isn’t it?” Andy pauses. “Does anyone care you ran away?”

Darren wants to tell her that of course, someone cares. Maybe not that much, but it will never be none. That leads him to wonder if the question backtracks to the woman beside him. Andy’s probably the most enigmatic person Darren has ever met. It even occurs to him once when he was lost with his own thoughts that he randomly met an alien or something out of science fiction because of how mysterious she is. He wondered if her skin is cold; if there’s a blood running through her veins. He wondered if she had a heart at all.

“What do you think?”

Andy eyes him skeptically. “You’re important, aren’t you?”

There it is again. Another question that really unnerves him; really pushes him to the edge. Of course he’s important. Everyone is important. It’s an unwritten code in human rights.

 Darren doesn’t respond immediately. Unconsciously, he starts playing with the hem of his shirt, lost in his thoughts. Okay, so maybe he’s just overanalysing the questions being thrown. Maybe he’s the only one between the two of them that unravels more to one simple query.  Maybe he should just stop thinking at all.

“Just pretty, don’t you think?” he says, shifting back to his bubbly self as he releases a lopsided smile.

Andy notices and sees right through him how easily he shifted from his demeanour. Choosing to ignore it, she scoffs. “You’re shitting me, right?”

“Why do you always question the given?”

Both of them feels suddenly relieved that they’re past those tense moments and now back to their usual, bickering selves.

“Are you serious?”

          “Do I look like I’m kidding?”

          “No.”

Before realization dawns to Andy, she feels her whole body already being yank up.

“Ha, I won. Now come on, let’s dance,” Darren says happily. Pulling her close, he places his right hand on her waist and intertwines the left with hers.

“You planned this all along,” Andy accuses.

“Maybe,” Darren says and shrugs. “So, existential crisis, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“You just ran?”

“Just like you,” Andy says.

“Does anybody know?”

Andy shrugs and says, “Probably.”

Andy is a closed book, Darren realizes. Or even more accurately, she’s a journal – a journal with a thick brown cover and a very big lock, just like the journal that she carries everywhere. He would never be able to see what is inside unless Andy gives him the key.

“Aren’t you concise,” Darren mutters and rolls his eyes. “Give me something more.”

“That’s not part of the consequence. There _is_ no consequence even.”

“There is, but it’s up to whoever wins. I won.”

“Yeah, and we’re dancing right now.”

“This is not my consequence, and you’re dodging the question.”

“There is _no_ question.”

“Does anybody know you’re here?”

“I don’t even know where I am,” Andy says and chuckles.

“Well then, does anybody know that you’re gone?” he presses.

“They do now.”

“Meaning?”

“Figure it out.”

“Stop being so difficult, Andy,” Darren says softly.

“Where will be the fun in that? Someone has to be difficult in this relationship, Darren Criss.”

“Oh, so we have a relationship,” he teases.

Andy rolls her eyes. “You know what I mean.”

Darren huffs. “Alright. Let me get this straight, then. Correct me if something’s wrong. You flew to a foreign land all by yourself without any consent from anybody.”

“Pretty much.”

“So you just left? But what about your house? What about your clothes?” Darren asks, feeling that he’s missing something huge in this wonderful conundrum that is Andy.

“Darren Criss, what fun is reinvention if you have to haul your old life around like a ball and chain?”

“ _Reinvention?_ ”

Andy buries her head in between Darren’s neck and shoulder. Darren snaps his head – almost hitting Andy’s head in the process. Because, okay, whoa, Andy is right _there_.

“Why, you smell nice, Darren Criss,” she slurs.

Darren fakes offense. “Why do you seem so surprised? And wait, did you just sniff me?”

“Hey! I’m not the puppy here.”

Darren pulls back and makes a mock-hurt expression.

“I hate to break it to you, Darren, but I think something is living on your face,” Andy says, her voice even.

Darren almost turns around and sits back down but Andy laughs and snags his t-shirt.

“Kidding, I’m kidding,” she says, pulling him closer than before and going back to their usual position.

“No, you’re not,” Darren grumps, and Andy tilts her head to the side.

“Fine. I’m half-kidding.” Andy’s smile softens. “Since when did you grow this?”

“Can’t remember.”

Andy hums, unconsciously running her cheeks against the grain of Darren’s beard. Darren shudders slightly at the unusual action.

“I recall you saying I had an animal on my face.”

“I love animals,” Andy purrs.

“Yeah, and it pretty looks like you love molesting them too.”

Andy laughs obnoxiously and pulls away for a bit. “You just had to ruin it, hadn’t you?”

_Drunk, Darren thought._

“Why, enjoying yourself?” Darren wiggles his eyebrows teasingly but Andy just moves closer and presses their cheeks together.

“Maybe.”

“Um. Andy?”

“Hmm?” Andy moves her smooth cheek against the slightly coarse hair of Darren’s beard.

“You’re nuzzling my face.”

“It’s surprisingly therapeutic.”

_Yep. Clearly drunk._

Darren laughs, and Andy felt the vibration of his chest. “I don’t know whether to be flattered or afraid of that compliment. First, you accused me of being a kidnapper because of it and now it has become your new pet.”

“I name my pets,” Andy informs.

“Andy.”

“It probably doesn’t eat that much, right?”

“ _Andy_.”

“I’m calling her _Snuggles_.”

“Okay, hold up.” Darren pulls out and Andy whines. “You’re freaking me out.”

Andy makes grabby hands of Darren’s face and whines a ‘noooooooo’.

“And what made you think it’s a she?” Darren asks, clearly offended.

“Why are you questioning her gender?”

“Because I am a he! Therefore, it’s a he!” Darren exclaims, frustrated. “Oh, my God. Did we just argue about the gender of my beard? Did we basically just argue about my beard? Stop. Let’s not talk about my beard anymore.”

“Why are you so meagre?” Andy accuses, poking Darren in the chest.

“This is my face! I have every right to protect it from molestation.” He sighs loud, obviously looking upset. “That’s it. I’m shaving it.”

Andy gapes. “Don’t you dare,” she says and glares at Darren.

“Oh, I will,” Darren challenges.

“You wouldn’t!” Andy says, jabbing Darren on the chest harder. “I have a say in this. Snuggles is my pet.”

“You’re silly when you’re drunk,” Darren states.

“I am not drunk.”

“You clearly are.”

“You’re dodging the topic,” Andy accuses. She sits down and takes the magic-8 ball from her bag. “Let’s put this issue in the hands of my majestic ball.”

Darren laughs. “You are so drunk.”

“Shut it, hobbit.”

“I’m taller than you,” Darren informs.

“Yeah, like, by an inch,” Andy points and rolls her eyes. She starts shaking the ball. “Should hobbit here shave his beard?”

Both of them waits for the answer.

“ _Without a doubt_.”

Darren exclaims, “Ha!” at the same time Andy whines, “Oh, no! Snuggles!”

Darren laughs at how Andy looks so upset, her lips pouting and her eyebrows meeting dangerously close. _Adorable._

“Come here,” he says with open arms.

“I don’t need your consolation!” she screams.

“Come on, baby,” he says, wiggling his fingers. Andy looks as if she’s debating whether or not to comply, and Darren can’t help but to force her down and holds her in his arms. Instinctively, the distraught woman slots her head on his neck right away and again presses her cheeks against Darren’s.

“I’m gonna miss you,” she purrs. Darren bites his tongue to avoid the laughter to erupt.

“I’m pretty sure he’ll miss you too,” he manages to say.

“May I do the honor of shaving her?”

Darren’s pretty sure Andy’s on the verge of crying.

He pats her head sympathetically. “Of course, honey.”

“I’ll miss you, Snuggles.”

Darren smiles into the cold night air.

He will _never_ live this down.


	6. Taking Chances

**April 17, 2014, 8.12AM**

“Darren, will you just stay put for one second!”

          “I can’t when you’re on top of me!”

          “We won’t be in the position if you kept your legs from spazzing out, you dolt!”

          “I can’t help it! It tickles!”

          “Just stay still! I’m going to raze your face.”

          “That sounds fucking dangerous!”

          “It will be dangerous for you if you keep moving!”

          “Oooh. Sassy in the morning. I like that.”

          “Darren. Shut up.” Andy brings the razor to his chin. Darren squirms once again. She smacks him.

          “Ow! What the hell?”

          “You’re making a mess, Darren!”

          “That hurt!” Darren whines.

          “Stop moving! I’m halfway done.”

          Darren wiggles his eyebrows mischievously. “I never thought you’re violent.”

          Andy smirks. “You don’t know me at all, Criss.”

          “I will, though . . .” Darren frowns and his nose scrunches up. “Hey! I don’t know your last name!”

          Andy groans. “Shut up! And keep your hands off my hair. Rule number one. Touch anything but my hair.”

          Darren smiles mischievously. “Anything?”

          “If you touch my breasts, I’ll cut you.”

          Darren laughs obnoxiously loud. Andy frowns and wrinkles her nose.

“Let’s get this over with,” she says.

          “But I thought you love Snuggles?” Darren coos.

          It amazes Darren how red Andy can be.

“Darren! Shut up! We talked about this!”

          “But Andy, you doooooo,” Darren singsongs.

          “Oh my God. You are truly a pain in the ass.”

          “I’m pretty sure it’s not your ass that’s in pain right now. You’re quite heavy.”

          Andy glares at him and groans loud. “I hate you right now.”

          “Hey, if you’re going to sit on top of me for a few more minutes, you better not groan like that again or we’re going to have a problem.”

          “You’re disgusting.”

“I’m just saying! I mean, _God_. You groan like a sex-craved animal.”

Andy gapes and smacks Darren hard in the shoulder. “What the fuck Darren? Seriously? I’m shaving your beard and that’s what you’re saying to me?”

          “Hey, in my defence, you’re the one who insisted to shave Snuggles.”

          “Oh my God,” Andy groans. “Please stop calling your beard Snuggles. Please.”

          “That’s not what I was hearing last night,” he singsongs.

          “I was drunk! I didn’t know what I was doing!” She glares at Darren fiercer. “And you-” she pauses, poking in the chest. “You-” _poke_ “-let-” _poke_ “-me-” _poke_ “-be stupid and enjoyed it, you bastard,” she accuses.

          “Hey! I beg you differ. I comforted you when you were weeping.”

Andy is taken aback. “I did not!” she says, horrified.

“Fuck yeah. Look at my spare shirts. There’s snot all over them.”

Andy groans and unconsciously leans her body over Darren in defeat. Darren grins. “Really, Dare? You really have to say that?”

“You need evidence,” the man coos and starts rubbing Andy’s back.

“You’re hurting my ego,” Andy whines. “It’s not even my fault I was wearing your t-shirt.”

“You still are, actually. Just the one without snot.”

“I like your shirts,” she mumbles.

“I like them too,” he says. “I like _you_ wearing them.”

Andy only buries her face further on Darren’s neck.

“Are you sure you’re sober already?” he says after a moment.

“Why?”

“You’re clingier than usual.”

Darren regrets what he said when he feels the woman tense against him and pushes herself away from Darren’s bare chest because he suddenly misses the warmth of her body against his.

“I am not clingy,” Andy spits out, glaring at Darren.

“Of course you’re not,” Darren coos and attempts to pull her back towards him but Andy resists.

“No. Let’s finish this shit,” she says. “I can’t look at the evidence of my stupidity any longer.”

“Funny how you cried about shaving Snuggles last night.”

Andy face-palms. “You will never let this go, won’t you?”

Darren shakes his head like a kid. Andy sighs in defeat. She looks at Darren and raises one eyebrow.

“Do you always have curly hair?”

Darren laughs. “I don’t do perm, if that’s what you’re pertaining to.”

“So you’re born with curly hair? Cool.”

Intuitively, she grabs a handful and softly pulls it and just like that, Andy gets the reaction she’s waiting for as she watches Darren’s eyes flutter closed, his head thrown back and a soft groan elicits from his mouth.

Andy grins delightedly. “Now look who sounded like porn,” she teases. Darren ignores it. The soft tug Andy’s doing is literally killing him.

“Oh, God. Keep doing that and I’ll love you forever,” he says, deliberately ignoring Andy’s mockery.

“Yeah? Alright,” she whispers, and the way her hot breath hits his face makes something furl inside Darren’s stomach. Suddenly everything feels hot.

“Like that?” Andy tugs a bit harder, earning a louder groan from Darren. “ _Fuck_.”

Andy only hums, tugging on the other side.

“Holy-”

“Good?”

“Feels fucking great,” Darren purrs. “Harder.”

“Beg,” she demands.

“Oh my god.”

“Beg,” she repeats and threatens to take her hand away from his hair. Before it even slips away, Darren grasps her hand and brings it back up to his head.

“Goddamn - Fine. Fucking please.”

“Good boy,” Andy purrs. “Enjoying yourself?”

“ _Absofuckinglutely_ ,” Darren groans.

The tugs continue for a few more seconds before it stops and then - “Kinky. Good. You’re good to go. Up, up.”

Just like that, the hot feeling on his stomach is gone. He feels her stand, and as he opens his eyes, he finds her in the bathroom. Touching his now beardless face, he swears under his breath.

“Foul play, Andy, foul play.”

There’s a snicker in the bathroom. “I don’t know if I’ll be sorry or what.”

Darren sighs and walks to the bathroom, feeling rather betrayed.

“Clean up. There is little foam in your face,” she says.

Still in a sour mood, Darren doesn’t respond but does as what he was told. Andy leaves him be and goes out. He washes his face absent-mindedly and wipes it with the towel.

Going out of the bathroom, he finds Andy lounging on the couch. She snaps her head up and smirks.

“Well, well. Aren’t you looking more fuckable than usual?”

          Gobsmacked, Darren almost chokes. “Your sudden bluntness quite surprises me, you know?”

          “That makes two of us,” Andy says, crossing her legs. “I think you’re rubbing off me.”

          “I’m blunt?”

          “Talkative. Fact.”

          Darren chuckles and flops back onto the couch next to her. She looks at him and rolls her eyes as she takes the towel in his hand. “You missed something,” she says, tilting his head and wipes the foam at the back of his right ear.

          Darren stares at her and absentmindedly flickers his eyes between her eyes and mouth.

“Stop looking at me like that.”

          “Like what?”

          “Like I’m the fucking world or something.”

          Darren shakes his head. “You’re beautiful,” he breathes. “You’re so beautiful.”

          “Flattery will get you nowhere, Criss,” Andy jokes, releasing a chuckle.

          “And you have no fucking idea,” Darren continues.

          Shaking her head, Andy says, “Stop. You’re only saying that because I shaved your beard.”

          Darren only shakes his head and smiles. Andy throws the towel at his face and stands. “Come on. Up. Let’s go.”

“Where are we going?”

“Downstairs. They might think we were having sex or something because of your moans a while back.”

          Darren laughs and follows Andy out of the room.

~

**9.02AM**

“ _Magandang umaga_!” Darren sings happily as he _bounces_ in to the kitchen. Andy restrains from rolling her eyes on how Darren can easily transform into a hyperactive five-year old.

“Good morning,” Cecile and Frank chorus in response.

“Oh, hey! Beard’s gone!” Cecile notices. “You look lovely, dear.”

“Suits you more, son,” Frank adds.

“Oh! Too many compliments in one day. That’s great!” Darren exclaims and takes a seat beside Frank. Andy settles in next to Cecile.

“Pass the bread to them, will you Frank?” Frank obliges and hands the basket to Andy.

“Thank you,” Andy mumbles.

“So, what’s your agenda for today?” Cecile inquires.

“We have nothing planned, to be honest,” Darren says, looking at Andy for confirmation. The woman nods.

“That’s good, then. I’m thinking of making _adobo_ for dinner.” Andy notices how Darren’s face literally lights up. “And I’m open for assistance going to the market.”

“We’ll come!” Darren says almost immediately.

Cecile looks delighted for the enthusiasm. “Good, then. Finish your breakfast so we could get the best meat in the market,” she says, standing up and clearing her plate. Frank does the same.

“Oh, and before I forget,” Frank talks. “I found Karen and Nico’s bike out back. It’s all rusted, but I think it will still work. You can bring it to Burt for repair and use it. That is, if you want to.”

“Cool. That’s awesome, Frank. Thank you,” Darren says, taking a bite of his bread. “But who’s Karen and Nico?”

“They’re our children,” Cecile answers.

By how Cecile’s face contorts from happy to serene, Andy figures something went wrong with the family.

“Um. Is it okay for them if we take their bikes?” Andy asks tentatively.

“Of course. I think they would be happy that someone would use their bikes after all these years.”

“Where are they?” Darren asks, completely oblivious. Andy shoots him a look and glances at Frank and Cecile. It surprises her how calm they look.

“Darren,” Andy trails off. Darren gazes at Andy, looking genuinely confused for a second before realization dawn to her. His eyes widen and his mouth hangs low, chewed bread clearly visible on his open mouth.

“I – oh. Oh my - I’m so sorry,” Darren prompts. “I didn’t know. I-”

Cecile waves her hand and smiles softly. “It’s fine. It was years ago. Don’t feel bad, sweetheart.”

“Can I give you a hug?” Darren says, and without waiting for permission, the guilty looking man stands and reaches Cecile and leans in for an embrace, burying his face in her neck. Frank only pats his back. When Darren pulls off, he literally looks like a kicked puppy.

“Um. Let’s finish this so we could head to the market earlier. Darren?” Andy says, deliberately breaking the silence. Cecile and Frank nods and shuffles out of the kitchen. Andy and Darren share a long eye contact before finishing their breakfast in complete silence.

~

**10.37AM**

After an eventful hour in the market, Darren climbs in the driver’s seat and sighs.

“Do you think they see Karen and Nico in us?” he asks after a few seconds. It is silent inside the close compartment for a moment before she finally speaks.

          “Where’s Cecile? Why did you leave her?” she asks.

          “She’s talking to a friend and told me to wait here with you,” he mumbles. He spares a glance at Andy and catches her sigh.

          “I don’t know,” Andy finally answers. “There must be an explanation why they welcomed us so easily.”

          Darren nods in agreement. “I just . . . I feel really bad about it, you know?”

          Andy shifts closer to him, pats his back and says, “It’s not your fault.”

          “I know, but I can’t help it. I feel like a dick, asking where they were. I didn’t realize. I was so naïve. This sucks.”

          Andy chooses not to respond. Darren is half-right about what he said, but she chooses not to voice her agreement with her already beaten-looking friend.

          “I do think your hug comforted her, though. She looked genuinely pleased.”

          He nods and then glances at the silenced woman to find her staring at him.

“You’re looking at me weird,” he notices.

          Andy smiles sheepishly. “It’s just that . . . you just . . .” She shakes her head, feeling completely ridiculous for her lack of words.

“Try again?” he says, smiling that idiotic Darren smile.

Rolling her eyes without malice, she tries again, “For someone who is so all over the place and quite often a loud idiot, you have a really sweet and gentle side that is so unexpected.”

          Darren bites his lower lip and smiles. “And you are very good at turning an insult into a compliment,” he says, poking Andy in the arm. “You did realize it earlier than I did, though. I wish I could easily observe people the way you could,” he continues.

          Andy notices the beaten look emerges once again. Clutching his arm, she says, “Hey, stop. Don’t beat yourself up. Cecile and Frank may never accept it, but they were very brave enough to admit to themselves that they were childless. Let’s not trigger the sadness back anymore.”

          Darren nods. “You’re right,” he mumbles.

          Andy smiles and tries to lighten the mood. “Aren’t I always?”

          Darren’s mouth quirks and his brow shoot up.  “Oh, full of ourselves, are we?”

          Andy doesn’t respond. Instead, she grins, jumps out, and takes some paper bags from an approaching Cecile. Shaking his head, Darren follows and takes the rest from the elder.

          “Aren’t you both just lovely?” Cecile says and gets in the truck. Loading the bags at the back of the truck, Darren and Andy shares a mischievous glance before getting in and driving to the repair shop.

~

**3.22PM**

Almost stumbling for the nth time, Andy says, “Darren, I can’t.”

          “You can! Just do what I say.”

          “I can’t! I don’t know how to balance!”

          “That’s why I’m here to support you.” To add emphasis, Darren tightens his hold at her back.

          “Dare – ugh.”

          “Trust me, I won’t let you fall.”

Andy shakes her head. “This is impossible. I can’t.”

Darren groans loud and sighs in defeat. He crosses his arms over his chest and gives the petulant woman a look.

“So that’s it, then? You’re just gonna give up? Just like that?” he challenges.

Andy glares at him. “Fuck you, Darren.”

Darren rolls his eyes. “Andy, trust me. I will not let you fall. Trust me.” Darren gives emphasis to his last words.

Andy only whines more.

“Don’t you trust me?” he says, suddenly stilling. Andy looks at him. “You don’t trust me,” he says in sudden realization.

“Trust is a big word, Darren.”

“I know.”

There’s a tone that Darren uses that somewhat unnerves Andy. She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. Darren nods slowly as if understanding an unspoken statement and Andy feels suddenly guilty because he doesn’t bother hiding the hurt look on his face.

Darren steps back, but Andy grasps his arm and pulls him. “I shaved your beard, Darren. I never ever shave other people’s beards.” Andy chuckles, and soon Darren can’t help but to join. “It’s slow, but I’m getting there,” she adds softly.

Darren nods. “I understand,” he says. “I guess everybody’s not like me.” Andy passes him a confused look. “I trust you, Andy. For some weird reason, from the moment I saw you, I already trusted you.”

“Thank you,” Andy mumbles softly. “You’re yet to be decided,” she adds. Her tone is teasing but Darren sense that it is a lot truer that he really wants to think about. Darren smiles and pulls her towards him, enveloping her with a hug.

“Cuddle whore,” Andy mumbles against his shirt. Darren chuckles.

“You’ve never seen the half of it.”

“I have a hunch.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“You’re worse in bed.”

“Is this your way of saying you want me in your bed?”

Andy can feel his chest vibrating from laughing. “Are you flirting with me?” she asks.

“It depends. Do you want me to flirt with you?”

Andy pulls back and looks at Darren with a serious expression. “No, I’m serious. Are you flirting with me?”

“Um, why?”

“My question is answerable by yes or no, you know?”

“Um. Maybe?”

“Gosh, Darren! Will you just answer?” she shouts impatiently.

“I don’t know, okay? Yes? I think so? I don’t know. Wait, why are you so worked up with this? Is this . . . Are you uncomfortable with it? Just tell me if it’s a problem with you. I’ll stop right away.”

Andy groans. “That’s the problem. I don’t know if someone’s flirting with me.”

He blinks. “What?”

“Don’t laugh, okay? I just . . . I could never differentiate flirting from just being nice. I’ve been smacked by friends a few times because of it and I had no idea and I’ve only realized it when they tell me. Okay, now I’m rambling. God this is frustrating!”

Darren only stares at her. If Andy rambling and looking so lost and confused isn’t the cutest thing, he’ll be damned.

Andy shakes her head and sighs. “You know what? This is completely irrelevant. I mean, it’s not that I won’t die happily if I haven’t distinguished the differences, you know? Just forget it.”

She turns her attention back to the bike. “Let’s try again? I don’t want Frank’s effort to be wasted.”

Darren only nods.

“You okay?” she asks her unusually silent friend.

“Yes,” he answers.

“Sure?”

“It’s just . . . you mentioned your friends. It’s the first time you’ve spoken about the people in your life.” _Nice save._

Andy only shrugs.

Darren sighs and finally composes himself. “And for the record, I never let strangers shave my beard.”

Andy bites her lower lip, stopping her chuckle. “I feel so privileged shaving your beard, Darren Criss.”

“It was a privilege to have my beard shaven by you, Andy whatever your-last-name-is,” he says just as primly.

“Claveria. Dork,” she says, not stopping her chuckle this time.

“Andy Claveria. Nice,” he says and nods.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, and I know you’re evading our bicycle lesson. Nice try, but we’re not done yet. Pedal away, babe.”

Ignoring the endearment that makes her ears pink, Andy complies.

          After two hours, Andy Claveria is biking like a pro.

          “Would you look at that?” Darren shouts from behind her. Andy chuckles and adjusts her pace with Darren.

          “This is so much fun!” Andy says and chuckles. “It’s so strange. I never learned how to bike.”

          “Your dad didn’t teach you?”

          Darren doesn’t notice, but Andy tensed for a second before shaking it off. “No,” she answers shortly.

“Hey. My feet are kind of hurting. We’ve been doing this for over two hours. Let’s stop for a bit?” he suggests.

          “Few more minutes, old man,” she teases. Darren frowns.

          “Hey. Do you remember our way back?” she asks.

          “Not sure,” she answers. “Do you?”

          “Pray my sense of direction doesn’t malfunction. How many minutes are we on the road?”

          “I told you I don’t do time,” she says as they take a curve on the next block.

          “Do you even know what day is it?” he asks.

          “Nope,” she says. “It’s better that way.”

          “How?” he asks, a little incredulous. Time is gold, and Darren Criss always believe in that mantra.

          “It’s better,” Andy says. Darren waits for more, but it looks like his friend isn’t in the mood explaining it further so he chooses to leave it at that. How it is better for one Andy Claveria not knowing basic information like time and date will always be a mystery to Darren.

For some time, the two friends pedals through the neighbourhood, cherishing the natural noise of it. They bypass an elder couple taking what seems like their afternoon walk; a mother scolding her teenage son while struggling on carrying their groceries; a couple of children riding their own bikes - and all of them are greeted by Darren.

On their way back, they pedal in the same pace, climbing the hilly country roads. Darren struggles up the hill and is happy to see that there is a long descent in front of them. They ride past rambling farmhouses and miles of untouched woods.

“I haven’t seen this part of town before,” Andy says.

          “I have. This is the route we took when Cecile and I went back from the market. I think we’re heading on the right direction.”

          “I’d be worried if it isn’t,” Andy mumbles to herself.

          At the bottom of the hill, they pass by a wrought-iron fence with an entrance gate. Darren ignores it and says something but when no response came, it is then that he realizes Andy’s not following behind. Darren slows his pedal and looks back, finding Andy standing across the gate. He pedals back and finally hits his brake as he reaches her, both of them looking past it.

“Oh,” he says when realization hits him.

He reads the letters above them that kind of reminds him the Metropolis signage in Paris and it says: _St. Veron’s Cemetery._

Andy gets off her bike and slowly enters the rusted gates.

“Hey, um, Andy –”

          “Chain the bikes, will you?” she says, seemingly in trance as she walks in. Hastily, Darren does as what he was told and reluctantly he jogs and follows her inside.

          “So you think they’re here?” Darren says, breaking the silence after a few minutes of walking. Andy doesn’t respond. They pass a crooked, knotty tree, and after a few more seconds, she looks down and halts.

          “What – oh.”

          In front of them are two marble headstones. Each one has a single tulip lying across it. Darren looks helplessly at Andy but her eyes are trained on the ground. Suddenly, Andy slowly sits down on the grass. Darren follows her actions.

“They were young,” he muses, running his hand over the carved names: KAREN FRANCES F. DAMIEN and NICHOLAS CHARLES F. DAMIEN.

“They were just fourteen,” he adds.

Andy’s eyes flickers on the dates. 1969-1983.

“They were even older than us,” she says.

          “What do you think happened?” he whispers.

          “I can’t tell. But they died on the same date. An accident, perhaps,” Andy mumbles.

          The wind starts to pick up and blows softly against Darren’s skin. He feels himself shiver.

          “The lilies are still fresh. Frank or Cecile might have been here earlier,” he notices.

Darren doesn’t have any idea how long they were sitting. Andy is awfully quiet the whole time. The silence is undeniably uncomfortable at first. He isn’t really afraid of cemeteries, but like any other human beings, Darren isn’t at ease hanging out long there. The only thing that calms his nerves is Andy’s presence next to him. The silence is killing him, but her presence soothes him; he even brushes his arms with her once in a while. Just like that, Darren feels better.

Darkness starts to loom over the two sitting together in the grass. The chirping birds are replaced by the peeping of frogs and buzzing of mosquitoes. Darren realizes that it must have been getting late than any of them expected. The sun is now starting to make its descent from the heavy, blue sky above.

“It’s getting dark,” he says. “We should head back.”

          It takes a full minute for the silent woman to agree. Darren stands first, and instinctively offers his hand to her, even after the last time he did it she rejected him. So he holds out his hand and is quite surprised when Andy takes it. She stumbles in the process but Darren catches her quickly.

          “Whoa there,” he says and chuckles. “You okay?”

          “I’m fine,” Andy says and smile reassuringly. She steps back from his grasp and starts walking down the cobble stone road. Darren only sighs before following her.

~

**11.36PM**

“Couldn’t sleep?”

          Darren looks past his shoulder and sees Andy standing by the window sill. He shrugs and nods.

          “Wanna come with me? I want to see the universe.”

          There’s a sparkle in Andy’s eyes and Darren laughs because the woman can be akin to an over-eager 10-year old sometimes and it is atrociously endearing.

          His first response would have been, “Where?”

Instead, he ducks his head to hide his smile and says, “Sure.”

~

**11.57PM**

About half an hour of driving, the truck is pulled over.

“What are we-”

          “You trust me, right?” She levels a long look at Darren – eyes a muted bronze in the dark of the truck – until Darren nods.

They get out, and Darren notices gravel instead of pavement meets his feet. He realizes that they are in a wide pull-off, completely alone on the side of the dark, empty highway.

          Andy comes around the side of the car, catching Darren by surprise as she takes his hand and pulls him along.

“Come on,” she says, urging him to sit up on the hood of the truck with her.

          “Is this safe?” Darren asks, sitting down and feeling the old truck settle under their weight.

          “Is anything?”

          He watches Andy lie back on the hood of the truck, stretching out with her hands tucked under her head.

          “Come on,” she says when Darren doesn’t make any move, patting the space next to her. The man nods and reclines back. The hood is warm through his clothes, instantly relaxing him. He gazes at Andy for a moment before looking forward.

          Above them are the stars.

          Darren’s mouth reels at what he’s seeing – a vast black space filled with something that sparkles. It all comes down to him that he is in fact, seeing stars. Too many stars.

          Darren inhales deeply in the cool, dry air and breathes, “Oh.”

          “See? I told you I wanted to see the universe.”

“It’s beautiful,” he mumbles, and then looks at Andy who is already staring at him. The look on Darren’s face, which falls somewhere between shock and awe, is pretty priceless. “So beautiful.”

Andy lingers her gaze on Darren for a moment before looking back up again. “What a day huh?” she says, deliberately changing the topic.

          “Yeah,” Darren breathes and chuckles, remembering everything that has happened for the past couple of days. “What a life,” Darren continues. “It has been what? Two days? It’s been two freaking days but it seems like a very long time. It feels like I’ve been living here for so long. It almost feels like-”

          “Home?” she says. Darren grins and nods.

“Home,” he agrees. “Is it weird that I’ve felt more at home here than from where I’ve been living for the past couple of years?”

          “It’s not weird. Cecile and Frank are really hospitable,” Andy says.

“They totally are. Food and lodging for free? I must’ve done something great in my past life to deserve this,” he says.

“We’ve got to leave though somehow,” Andy says.

          The word ‘leave’ suddenly agitates Darren. “I don’t want to think about that for now,” he dismisses. “As a matter of fact, I don’t think I ever want to go back.” He faces Andy. “What do you think? Maybe I’ll just stay here. Build a new life, perhaps? It’ll be great, I think. No one knows about you and you know nothing about anyone. It’ll be like a fresh start.”

          “Why? You don’t like your life now?”

          “I do. But I just wanna try something new. Something . . . life-changing is the term. Yes, I want something like that.”

          Andy looks at him cryptically. “What brought the identity crisis, Darren Criss?”

          Darren looks at her. “What brought you to ask that?”

          Andy shrugs. “Sheer curiosity, I guess.”

          Darren sighs and takes a minute before answering, “Well, it just seems like everything’s not working out.”

          “Did you try?”

          “Tried what?”

          “Tried working it out,” Andy says.

          “I did,” Darren says, nodding. “I did. But it seems like as I work it out, everything just seems to crumble down more. It’s goddamn frustrating, you know?”

          “So you ran?”

          “Yes. I just grabbed everything I need, and the next thing I knew, I was riding on a bus without knowing where it’s headed.”

          “Does anybody know?”

          “No,” Darren says. “Just like that, I disappeared from thin air.”

          “When are you going to go back?”

          “I don’t know,” Darren answers truthfully. “I don’t even feel like going back at all.”

          A beat, and then - “Don’t you miss her?”

          Darren looks at Andy and smiles cryptically. “How do you know it’s a her?”

          Andy’s brows crunch in confusion. “You’re gay?”

Darren laughs. “I’m kidding,” he says.

“It’s not funny.”

“Oh. Touchy subject.”

“Yes it is. I don’t respect ignorant assholes making fun of other people because of what they choose to become. What’s the point of hating, anyway? Does spitting insults feed them? Does it satisfy their needs? If so, then they’re fucking pathetic. This world is so fucked up. I honestly have no respect for those people, whoever they are. Besides, I think respect should be earned. It shouldn’t be earned with age but on how they conduct their selves.” Andy sucks a deep breath and realizes what just happened. “Shit, I’m sorry I rambled.”

Darren chuckles.It amazes him how agitated Andy suddenly gets about the topic.  “It’s fine, Andy. I adore your braveness to say those words out loud and I completely agree. Some people don’t have the courage to do it and it’s quite a shame, you know? Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn’t make someone different from anyone and it clearly doesn’t make them better. It doesn’t make anyone better.” He pauses and beams at her. “I’m sorry that you get that idea. But in my defence, it was you who assumed of the gender in the first place.”

A beat, and then - “Touché.”

Darren smiles and nods. “I adore people like you who aren’t afraid to share their thoughts vocally. I quite enjoy these kinds of talks and projects, you know? I even portrayed a confident gay teen character once on, um, a project.”

Andy looks at Darren with interest. “You did?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“How was that?”

“It was fun. I was even mistaken as a real gay for a while.”

“Really? Did it bother you? Question your sexuality or something?”

“No. I’m pretty confident about my sexuality, to be honest. And I don’t really care what people think. Besides, I’m from San Francisco. I practically lived with these people.”

Andy nods and purses her lips before saying, “Did it bother her?”

Darren smiles faintly before shaking his head. “She’s pretty supportive about it.”

Andy nods. Silence envelopes them for quite a while.

“I needed to get myself away for a while,” Darren speaks, breaking the comfortable silence. “We’ve been together for four years, and when we separated, I just didn’t know. I guess I felt lost. I know it’s normal to feel that way after break-ups, but goddamn it if it’s not so hard. I just . . . I can’t cope up, man. It sucks.” Darren sighs. “But you know what’s funny? I don’t think I ran because of it. Mostly I think I escaped because I realized something’s off with me, and I need to find it, like, pronto.”

“And it’s not because of the break-up?”

Darren shook his head. “No, I don’t think so. I think, the break-up made me realize it, so I’m still contemplating if it’s a good thing or not that it happened.” He smiles when he notices the unreadable expression on her face. “I understand if you think it’s weird. Me myself thinks it’s weird. God, I think I’m getting weirder and weirder every day. Could that happen? Getting weirder and weirder every day?”

“I understand,” Andy says quietly. “But you know everything happens for a reason, right? So if you ask me, I think it’s a good thing that you called it off.” She pauses. “Are you happy?”

It takes Darren a minute to answer. “Sometimes I feel like I should be happier than I am right now.”

Andy smiles faintly. “Doesn’t really answer my question, does it?”

Darren grins and shakes his head. “Well, like, my life is great, man. And I am happy, but I just want so much more, and that’s what this is all about, finding whatever it is.” He pauses. “I know it sounds selfish.”

“It’s not selfish to want more from life,” Andy says.

“I know, but I’m twenty-seven, and I shouldn’t still be looking, yet here I am.”

“There’s no shame in looking. There’s no shame in searching. In fact, I highly think that when we just stopped from searching, that’s when life becomes boring. It’s like, we’re living to strive, you know? To want things. If you don’t find for more then you just stay where you are, and it’s not good, because it means you’re just settling, and settling is never an option in this life.”

“I know. I’m just wondering if I should be happier than I am.”

“Are you unhappy?”

“No.”

“Are you happy?”

“I guess? I mean, if I’m not unhappy, that means I’m happy, right?”

“No. I’m asking again. Are you happy?”

“No. But I’m happy right now. That doesn’t make any sense, does it?”

Andy smiles. “It’s perfect. You wanna know why?”

“Why?”

“Because I’m not happy in general, but I’m happy right now, too.”

Darren smiles as they fall in an easy silence for a while.

“Thank you,” he breathes.

Andy gives him a look. “For what, exactly?”

“For not telling me that I should be happy.”

“I don’t think there’s much ‘should’ to happiness,” she says. “Besides, no one can tell you what to feel. Your feelings are yours. That’s nobody’s business but yours and yours alone.” She pauses. “But I do think that if you’re unhappy, you owe it to yourself to figure out why and do something about it, which is what you’re doing right now, so you, my friend, is in the right direction.”

Darren nods. “It’s good to hear it out loud from somebody else. It makes it seem more sensible.” He pauses and sighs loud. “Wow,” he says, suddenly smiling. “I can’t believe this.”

“Can’t believe what?”

“What my life had become for the past few days. One minute I was breaking up with my girlfriend of four years, and the next thing I know I’m lying back on someone else’s truck with a woman I barely even know anything about talking about some serious shit.”

“Serious shit?”

“We’re here, pretending to be philosophers, acting like we could make sense of everything in the world or bring about new questions that no one ever thought would ask. Seriously, when did my life become one like the movies?”

“Arella Natimesia Dy,” he hears her say.

“What?”

“Baby steps, Darren. Now I’m not just the woman you barely even know anything about that talks with you about some serious shit,” she explains. “I don’t think that fits well on my résumé.”

“I can’t exactly catch your drift, Andy,” Darren says, sincerely confused.

Andy sighs. “It’s my whole name. I took my initials. A-N-D-Y.”

Everything goes silent for a few seconds, and then - “That’s some serious shit, man,” Darren muses, genuinely gobsmacked. “Wow. Just . . . wow.”

Andy laughs and shakes her head, amused at Darren’s reaction. She looks at him and Darren sports a very wide grin and it scares Andy his face might split in two. “What?”

“I don’t know. I just . . . I feel so fucking happy. I feel so happy right now. I can’t explain it. I feel like it answered all my questions in the world. Like a gateway to heaven or some shit. Wow.”

Andy chuckles. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Hey. Baby steps,” Darren says. “It’s called taking things slow. That’s us. Taking what comes to us. We don’t insist. We just let things come and go.”

“It’s better, innit?”

Darren smiles. “Are you kidding? It’s the best.”


	7. Miss Me When You're Gone

**April 18, 2014, 9.22AM**

 It’s on the third day that Darren’s pretty sure Andy is crazy.

“Andy?” he calls for the 26th time. (Yes, Darren’s counting.)

For the 26th time, Andy gives the same answer. “Yeah?”

“I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Darren-”

“I don’t think this is a good idea at all.”

“We’re already here, Darren. Deal with it.”

Darren whines. “The man’s scary, Andy.”

“Darren.”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up. I’ll be the one who’ll get something. Not you.”

“But what if I’ll need blood, Andy? You won’t be able to give me.”

Putting the magazine down, the woman rolls her eyes and faces the literally shaking man beside her. “Okay. One, as far as I’m concerned, you will not need blood. Two, you will not need blood from me, because three, we don’t even know if our blood’s compatible. So stop spazzing out, will you?”

“But Andy, it’s dangerous!”

“I get it. You’re scared of needles, aren’t you?”

“Well of course I am! Who isn’t?”

“Me! And probably those thousands of people who have tattoos! That’s why we’re here in a tattoo parlor to get one!”

Darren whines again. “I won’t win this argument, will I?”

Andy smiles in triumph. “Nope. I’ve made up my mind.”

“But what if he misspelled, Andy? You’re going to regret this all your life.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s called the best tattooist in the town for a reason, Darren.”

“But-”

“Will you just stop? And stop giving me that look!”

“What look?”

“That puppy dog look! Seriously,” Andy says and rolls her eyes once again.

“But Andy,” Darren whines for the nth time, shaking the persistent woman’s arm.

Dave, the tattoo artist, goes out of his office. He shows Andy his draft, and when Andy approves, she follows Dave into the tattoo room with Darren whining in the background.

An hour later, Andy got herself a tattoo.

~

**11.22AM**

“It’s been two hours Andy. Won’t you really show me the tattoo?”

          “It’s been two hours Darren, and for the nth time, no I won’t.”

          “For the nth time, why?”

          “For the nth time, it’s bandaged!”

          “Just tell me what it says!”

          Andy doesn’t respond, and Darren groans and pouts.

“Get out,” she says after a full minute.

          Darren’s whole face scrunches. “What? Seriously? ‘Get out’? Wow, man. I know you’re crazy getting a tattoo out of the blue, but that’s like, Crazy Dave crazy level.”

          The truck comes to a screeching halt and without a word, Andy grabs the keys from the engine. “I’m telling you to get out of the car now, you idiot. We’re here.”

          Darren looks around and frowns. “What? Where are we?”

          “Flora’s. It’s the town’s floral shop. I want to buy flowers for Nico and Karen.”

          “Oh.”

          Andy jumps out and Darren follows.

“So what are we going to get?” he asks.

          “We’ll see.”

Darren beats Andy to the glass door and pushes it open just as the bell rings. Darren inclines his head, as if to say _you first_ , and Andy inclines her head back as if to say, _why thank you._

A petite looking woman with a warm smile who stands over the counter at the edge of the shop beams at them in acknowledgement. Andy walks toward her as Darren takes his time to study all the flowers around him.

          Rose.

          Chrysanthemum.

          Bluebell.

          Tulips.

          Dandelion.

          Sunflower.

Darren loves flowers. It reminds him of his mom. It reminds him of home.

“We have many varieties of flowers for every occasion,” the woman speaks as she and Andy nears him. His eyes flicker over her tag name. Flora.

“Anniversary?” Flora’s eyes shifts between Darren and Andy.

“Um.”

“Dead love ones,” Andy answers. Darren nods in agreement.

“Oh, okay. I’m sorry I’m quite presumptuous. I’ve always assume the situations for customers so that it’ll be easy for me to figure the right flower.”

Andy and Darren nods in understanding.

“Alright. Well, I have jonquil here and also balm flowers. They were the typical flowers for dead love ones. Usually, the flowers were also based on what it symbolizes. Like for example, gerbera. You are the sunshine of my life. Or here, a common one, gladiolus. It symbolizes-”

“Love at first sight,” Darren interjects, his eyes resting on Andy. He catches her raising an eyebrow at him before he glances back to Flora. “Or strength. My mom has a garden. She knows lots of flowers too,” he explains and shrugs.

“Um. We’ll take the balm flowers please,” Andy says. “Two pieces.”

Flora smiles and nods, takes two balm flowers on the vase and trots toward the back door. He turns to Andy.

“I got it. Wait at the truck,” he orders. Andy gives him a look but doesn’t question anymore. She complies.

When Darren gets back to the truck, he is holding four different kinds of flowers in different newspaper wrappers. “Blue bell. It meant gratitude. It’s for Cecile,” he explains, answering Andy’s curious look.

“She’ll love it,” she says.

“Yeah, and uh, and this one,” he hands a single yellow tulip to Andy, “It’s for you.”

“Meaning?”

Darren grins, easy and just like _Darren_. There isn’t really a better descriptor for him than his name itself. “I’d tell you, but then I have to kill you first.”

Andy rolls her eyes, but with fondness in them. Darren watches as she brings the flower to her nose and takes a small whiff. He sees the way her eyes squint, the way she isn’t just smiling, but beaming in a toothy grin. It makes Darren smile seeing Andy looking happy, because seeing Andy like this makes Darren happy as well.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” she asks and tilts her head curiously which Darren finds adorable.

“Happy suits you,” he answers.

Andy ducks her head shyly, still smiling, and looks up at Darren through her thick eyelashes. “How do you know I’m actually happy?” she questions, fronting an ineffective façade. “You don’t know me. Maybe I’m pretending to be happy. I could be fake-happy.”

Darren scoffs with no heat behind it. “I know you.” He then pauses and mulls what he just said for a second. “Somewhat,” he corrects. “Whatever. Anyway, I know when someone is happy. And you, pet molester, is happy.”

And just like that, Andy’s face falls. “Seriously,” she deadpans. “You’re never going to let me live that one down, are you?”

“Nope.” Darren shakes his head, grinning. “I will cherish that moment forever.”

Andy sighs, and then chins up superiorly. “You’re an idiot, you know that? A pain-in-the-ass idiot.”

“Oh, come on. I brighten your day!”

“Whatever,” Andy mumbles, looking away from Darren and down at the flowers on her lap.

Darren’s eyes widen. “Oh my God, I _do_ brighten your day!” His face literally lights up. “Don’t I?”

Andy shoves him in the shoulder. “You wish,” she says faintly.

“Ha!” Darren grins triumphantly.

“I did mention you’re a-”

“Pain-in-the-ass idiot? Yes you did.”

“Why are you still smiling?”

“Because I’m your pain-in-the-ass idiot,” he says. “Who coincidentally brighten your day too.” He is beaming at her, and Andy rolls her eyes, too fondly than she anticipates.

~

**12.14PM**

“It’s great. Just admit it.”

          “No.”

          Darren pouts. “Why do you always hurt my ego?”

          “Why do you care if I say it’s great? You aren’t the one who made it.”

          “But I introduced it to you! And everything I introduce to you is great. Fact.” He pauses. “Just admit it!”

          “May I just remind you again that I am from the Philippines, therefore I’ve tasted _bibingka_ before, so technically, you didn’t introduce it to me.”

          Darren pouts more. “I found the store where we bought it,” he says, the lilt in his voice slightly defensive.

          Andy groans, resisting the urge to pull her hair in exasperation. “You wouldn’t let this go, would you?”

          “Just say it!” he insists.

          “Fine! It’s great,” she says as if she is admitting it with great reluctance.

          “You sound forced! I resent that!”

          Andy rolls her eyes. “Of course you would.”

          Darren glares at her. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

          “I think you know what it means.”

          “Why would I ask if I already knew what it meant?”

          _“Um, guys-”_

“I don’t know, it’s probably one of your ridiculous mind tricks.”

          “Mind tricks? I’m not some psychopath!”

          “I never said that. Although, I don’t know. You’re strange like that.”

          “I demand you take that back! You’re strange too!”

          “You’re stranger.”

          “No more than you!”

          _“Darren, darling-”_

          “Oh come on, let’s not have this argument again.”

          “Afraid to lose?”

          “Against you? When did I ever?”

          “I could so take you on.”

          “Keep telling that to yourself, bud.”

          “Honey, please-”

“I could take you on so hard.”

          “Are you forgetting I’m eloquent? Oh, and did I mention I was on a debate team?”

          “Are you forgetting that I play mind tricks? Oh, and of course you didn’t since you’re so laconic.”

          “Ah, so you admit you play mind tricks.”

          “No, I’m just using your words against you.”

          “Well you-”

          “Stop! Make them stop. Please.”

          Andy and Darren’s head whip and realizes they are not alone in the room. They are in fact in the kitchen of Cecile and Frank, with Cecile and Frank sitting on the kitchen table across from where they stand. They have never looked so distressed; not even when Darren accidentally broke the flower vase that was supposed to hold the blue bell they bought when they got back thirty minutes ago.

          “I think you just did,” Cecile says faintly, patting her husband’s back.

          Frank stands, holding his now aching head. “I think I’m gonna stay at the café for the mean time,” he says. “My head’s really hurting.”

          “Yeah, I think I’ll come with you.”

“Cecile, Frank, wait-”

“No, you both stay here. Carry on with your _bibingka_. We’ll just head off,” Frank dismisses.

“But guys . . .” Darren’s voice trails off as he helplessly watches the two elders walk out.

          “Oh, God,” Andy says and face-palms.

          “It’s your fault! If you just agreed in the first place, we wouldn’t-” Suddenly, Darren’s mouth is clipped between Andy’s fingers.

          “Knock. It. Off. Already. You. Big. Baby.”

Andy saunters out of the kitchen before Darren opens his mouth to continue. She’s not exactly in the mood to listen to one of his weird tirades at the moment.

          It is good that Darren doesn’t follow.

          She would’ve kicked him if he did.

~

**4.37PM**

It is some unknown time in the afternoon the same day when Darren just got out of a very long shower that he realizes it’s actually pouring outside. Frowning, he puts on clean clothes for a change - a V-neck white shirt and a pair of pants suffices - and heads to the kitchen where everyone currently is.

“The weather’s weird here. A while back I was soaking in my own sweat. Now it’s raining like mad,” he says.

          “You can’t quite predict weather in Sierra County,” Frank says, lifting the carafe in his hand. “Hot chocolate?”

          “Oooh. I want, I want,” Darren says, his grumpy mood subsiding.

          “Sierra County? So that’s where we are,” Andy muses. She also took a shower earlier than Darren and is now currently sitting on one of the kitchen stools, wearing one of Darren’s thin sweatshirt and sweatpants that are obviously both too big for her. How she gets ahold of those, he doesn’t know. Not that he cares. He doesn’t usually let other people wear his clothes, but the sight of Andy sporting them does something weirdly good inside him.

“Okay, come on. Huddle up, everyone. Let’s bring this conversation in the living room and enjoy the rest of the day indoors,” Cecile says.

          It takes every fiber in Darren’s body not to stare at how the sweatpants hang very low on Andy’s waist. It’s a relief that he stopped himself before something actually _stands_ , especially since they end up sitting on the loveseat that is clearly too small for two people to sit on, making Andy lie half on Darren and half on the actual chair. Also, even though Darren has no idea what knowledge Andy has about these things, he will not take risk explaining to her what an ‘afternoon wood’ is if she feels it because he himself isn’t even sure if there’s a thing like an afternoon wood.

          The television is open, but Andy is not really paying attention to it. She doesn’t know why, but her eyes are glued on Darren’s face. Catching up with her staring, Darren’s eyebrows scrunch.

          “What?” he demands.

          “You have triangle eyebrows,” Andy speaks out loud.

          “Excuse me?”

          “Triangles,” she repeats, staring an inch above Darren’s eyes. “Your eyebrows are triangles.”

          Darren frowns at her.

          “Your eyebrows look like your face was trying to solve an equation and failed miserably,” she informs.

Darren looks pretty annoyed. “Seriously, Andy?”

“I could launch a tiny ship from your forehead and it would be lost in those Bermuda-brows, never to be seen again,” she continues.

“Oh, God.”

“They’re enthralling.”

“I’m 99 percent sure you’re still high as fuck.”

Andy ignores him and tries to reach it but Darren slaps her hand away. “Hands off and just watch. Please.”

Andy frowns but leaves his eyebrows alone.

“We really don’t have personal space boundaries, do we?” she mumbles, changing the topic.

“Why? Are you uncomfortable?” Darren whispers.

“It feels weird, but you’re fluffy, so it’s okay, I guess,” she says. “I’ve never been this close to someone before,” she adds silently.

“Well, I’m self-proclaimed cuddle whore so I really don’t have issues here,” he says. “Besides, my clothes are comfortable against my skin.”

“I like your clothes,” she mumbles.

“You like me, period,” he says.

“No. I’m pretty sure I only like your clothes.”

“But I like you,” Darren whines playfully.

“Of course you do. I’m very likable,” Andy says, smirking.

“How very modest of you,” Darren says, rolling his eyes impishly.

She smiles and leans back further on the couch feeling relaxed than ever. She will never admit, but Darren being close to her calms her in a good way it’s almost weird and slightly creepy. He brings warm to her that no comforter can supply. Suddenly, Andy can feel her eyelids getting heavier.

          But she can also feel something hard in Darren’s pants.

          “Seriously, Darren?” Andy whispers, throwing a half-amused, half-annoyed look over her shoulder. Darren takes his attention off the television and looks at Andy, furrowing his eyebrows. She almost believed that he is truly confused.

          “What?” he demands.

“Are you seriously having that right now?”

          “What ‘that’? What are you talking about?”

          Andy rolls her eyes. “Don’t pretend like you don’t know.”

          Darren sighs in defeat. “I really don’t know what you’re on about!” he shouted-whispers.

          “Are you seriously popping a boner right now?”

          Darren’s eyes widen, and then his eyebrows furrow. “I’m pretty sure kangaroos don’t turn me on that much, but because you mentioned it, I might consider-”

          Andy pokes his ribs with her elbow eliciting a low groan from the pained man. Andy glances at Cecile and Frank for reactions, but they seem pretty preoccupied about what they are watching.

          “Really? Then what’s-” Andy presses back against the hardness, “-that?”

          “Wait. Okay, look, if you’re going to push your ass against my dick, it’s not really my fault if I start getting a boner.”

          Andy lets out an exasperated noise. “You already had one.”

          “What the fuck? I’m pretty sure I’ll feel it if my dick’s standing up, alright? And I don’t feel any right now. You wearing my clothes provoke it, but I have an immense self-control.”

Darren’s eyes comically widens at what he just said.

_Holy shit I did not just say that._

Andy stammers, “I . . . provoke . . . what?”

“What?”

“What?”

“What?”

“Oh, for god’s sake!”

“I have no ghost dick, Andy!” Darren clarifies.

          “Yes, you have! I could feel it right-” Andy pushes back again, with a bit more pressure, “-there.”

          “ . . . Andy, that’s my pocket.” Andy can feel Darren’s chest vibrating. She looks back at him, confused.

          “What?”

“I have something in my pocket. That’s what you’re feeling.”

          “What, a cucumber?”

          “What? Of course not! It’s not even at the very least dick-shaped, you perv.”

          Darren fishes something into his pocket, pulling out a small box. Darren holds it up near her eye line by the time Andy recognizes it.

          “What is that doing in your pocket? And what is that, precisely?” Andy says, making a grab for the box, but Darren pulls it back.

          “It’s a box,” Darren deadpans. Andy resists smacking Darren right then and there.

          “I know it’s a box, you idiot. But what’s inside?” she asks.

          “What do you think?”

          “I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking.”

“Well it’s kind of a secret.” Darren grins, pulling the box back again as Andy makes another grab for it. “You’ll have to guess to find out.”

“It’s small. Jewelry? A ring?” Andy’s eyes widen. “A ring. For what?”

Darren’s smile falls slightly, staring at the box in his hand. “For a sure to be failed marriage,” he says quietly. “I had a plan of proposing to her. I actually thought marriage will solve our problems. Silly me.” He pauses. “Thinking about it, I’m actually relieved I didn’t do it.”

“And you had it in your pocket all this time?” she asks.

“I bought this a long time ago. I was just finding the right timing to pop the question. But then unexpectedly, everything crumbles down, and soon this is long forgotten.” He shakes his head. “I didn’t even know it was here. I thought I lost it.”

          “Well?” Andy says. “Aren’t you going to let me see it?”

          Darren playfully quirks an eyebrow at her. “You don’t even know if the ring’s still here.”

“What? You took it out?”

“I can’t even remember anymore.”

“So what? You’re just carrying an empty box everywhere?”

“Probably.” Another attempt, but Darren dodges again.

          “You are a horrid liar. If it was an empty box, you’d-” Andy tries to grab it again, “-let me see it!” She lets out an exerted grunt.

          “But this is so fun!” Darren hums playfully. Andy narrows her eyes, scooting closer, and then suddenly they are scrambling over each other, arms and legs tangling and untangling again and again.

          “This doesn’t make sense! I’m stronger than you!”

          “Why the fuck would you think that? I’m the male. Of course I am stronger than you!”

          _Smack._ “How dare you stereotype women? I’ll let you know that I support feminism and I could kick your ass! I do martial arts!”

          “Oh my God! I was just-”

          “Shut up and just give it to me!”

          “Wait! Shit, oh my God! Stop poking me there! Tickling is foul play!”

          “Stop flailing, you idiot! You nearly elbowed my breast!”

          “STOP TICKLING ME!”

          “GIVE ME THE BOX!”

          “WE’RE GOING TO FALL OFF THE COUCH!”

          “NO WE’RE-OW!”

          Darren’s back slams on the floor, grateful that nothing seems broken, except Andy follows and lands on top of him almost immediately and suddenly, all of the air shot out of his lungs.

          “That freaking hurt,” Darren whines, and Andy whacks his shoulder before muttering an apology.

          “If you just gave it to me in the first place, then we wouldn’t be in this position right now, you-”

          A soft cough interrupts the banter. Both looks up and realizes that they aren’t alone in the room. Cecile and Frank stares at them with unreadable expressions.

          “Well, _sugar honey iced tea_ ,” Darren mutters. Andy looks at him with eyebrows furrowed.

“What?”

“I don’t know about you, but I don’t normally curse in front of elders.”

“What – oh.” She stares at Darren for a second before bursting out laughing. “You dork!”

          Andy’s laughter cuts off when the lights suddenly go out and what suspiciously sounds like a girly squeal elicits from beneath her.

          “Oh dear,” Frank mutters. Everything is pitched black. Frank’s feet shuffling out of the living room is prominently audible.

          “Did you just squeal?” she whispers.

          “Aren’t you gonna get off? You’re quite heavy.”

          “Nope.” Andy wiggles her body against him. “I’m feeling comfortable in our position right now, to be honest.”

          “Um. Andy.”

          “The soap smells really nice.”

          “Andy.”

          “It’s citrusy. Is it orange?”

“ _Andy._ ”

“What?”

          “Please stop wiggling.”

          “What?”

“I’m having a situation . . . _down there_.”

          “What are you - Oh, God.” Andy groans and stands up, only to fall down once again because Darren’s feet are _everywhere_. Her landing goes smooth on Darren’s chest.

          Darren chokes and grunts.

          “I’m sorry! It’s pitch-black. I can’t see any- oh my God. I can feel _it_.”

          “Yes, and you’re not helping when you’re on top of me.”

          “Sorry,” Andy murmurs, standing up once again. She leans and takes Darren’s hand to pull him up.

          “Wow. I don’t know if I’ll be flattered or what,” she says.

          “Be flattered. I don’t pop a boner for a reason,” he says.

          “Are you both good now?”

          Andy almost shrieks and she swears Darren jumps one foot high behind her.

          “Oh, God!” Darren groans. “Cecile. You – sorry. We-”

          Darren’s cut off by a laugh. “You forgot I was here,” Cecile says.

          “We – um, yeah. We’re sorry,” Andy mumbles. Frank emerges in the living room with a rather large candle in hand.

          “I forgot where I put the flashlights so we have to deal with candles,” he explains.

“I think the radio’s working in the kitchen. It’d be best if we’ll be updated on the weather,” Cecile says and stands, following Frank to the kitchen.

          “Okay.”

          “Let’s go,” Darren says, wrapping his right hand on Andy’s waist and the other one grabbing her hand for support. It is still dark, but the kitchen’s window blinds are open so it is brighter in there.

          The radio is already on when they reach the kitchen. Darren hops in the bar stool next to Frank and pats the one beside him for Andy. The woman shakes her head and stays standing by the door. Darren pouts, but Andy doesn’t notice. Everybody goes silent as they try coping up with what the radio jockey is saying.

          “There’s no storm, thank God,” Cecile speaks after a minute.

          “Well, it was really unusual to rain in the middle of April,” Darren pipes in, standing up and reaching for the carafe, taking another batch of hot chocolate.

          “I think it’s going to stop soon if there’s no storm,” Frank comments. “And the lights will probably be back soon too.”

          “ . . . April 18, 2012 time check 5.10 in the afternoon brought to you by Phila Restaurant and Cuisines . . .”

          “You should try and dine in Phila,” Cecile says. “The owners are lovely. And they’ve got the best steak in town. I think we passed by it a couple of times, Darren.”

“Sure,” he says.

“They also do live music there every night,” Frank adds.

That catches Darren’s attention. “Really? Any artists or bands in particular?” he asks.

“We’re not really familiar with them, son. Though I know Vincent play the piano,” the old man answers.

“Vincent’s the owner,” Cecile informs. “He’s probably around your age, as well as Jeremy. They both run the restaurant. Lovely couple.”

Darren nods. “Cool,” he says and sips on his mug. And then something clicks. “Wait. Did it just say April 18? It’s the eighteenth already?” he says and glances back to look at Andy. “Hey, now we know the-”

But Andy’s gone, and all that’s left is the harsh wind creeping in from the now open front door.


	8. Not Alone

**April 18, 2014, 5.21PM**

He found her in the cemetery.

          He doesn’t know why it’s the first location he thinks she went, but after finding her gone, he doesn’t bother checking on the whole house with Cecile and Frank. No, he just grabbed the keys from the counter and starts driving.

          His first destination is the St. Veron’s Cemetery.

          He saw her even before she saw him. Ignoring the strong urge that what he’s doing is a really bad idea, Darren slowly creeps closer to stand behind a rather large tombstone that is close enough for him to keep an eye on Andy.

          Andy, who is now hunched in front of two familiar graves, her fingers scrunched in the muddy grass and body completely still.

          Darren is already soaking even before he reaches her. He can feel his clothes sticking everywhere. Darren isn’t exactly fond of walking in the pouring rain. He only did it once, and it was for work. For apparent reasons, Brad insisted that singing and dancing in the rain would be romantic for the scene, but Darren thought it was overused and already too mainstream.

          Now, as he stands in the open space of a graveyard with the creepy fog is slowly creeping in, Darren doesn’t give a damn about that at all. He has lots of questions going on his mind at the moment, and he’s so close to completely losing it. He barely made it to the cemetery alive with all the adrenaline rush going through his veins.

          The original plan is that when he finally finds Andy, he would snap at her. He’s angry in some way, and he’s very agitated. He would rant to her for the rest of the day and he wouldn’t care if she’d get annoyed. He would question her sanity and he would piss her just as much as she worried him.

          But then, looking at the crouched, defeated looking woman in front of him, all Darren can think is: _fuck the original plan_.

          Because as Darren looks at her, kneeling just a few meters away - yet so very distant - beautiful and unreachable, he realizes exactly how tragically broken she is. Seeing her so absolutely shattered is a brutal shock to him. Andy always seems so impermeable, coolly indifferent to everything around her, remotely untouchable. But now those words are the least things to describe her. She looks as if all of the world’s miseries have fallen on her shoulders, completely dragging her down.

          And that is why he is hesitant to go to her. It is obvious something is going on. Something triggered something. Something he doesn’t know and isn’t supposed to know. Something that shouldn’t be remembered, but still did.

          But as usual, Darren’s body parts acted first than his brain. Before he knows it, he finds himself kneeling beside her.

          “Seven months,” Andy says right after he announces his presence. Her face gives nothing but blankness. He follows her gaze and finds it glued on the two tombstones in front of them.

          “Seven months,” she repeats.

          “Andy?” he dares say, because if he doesn’t, he’s afraid he’ll lose it. Millions of questions run in his mind at the moment, and Andy being her laconic self isn’t exactly helping. He needs clear explanations to understand.

          Andy looks at him, and it’s the first time he has seen her like this. Her hair is flopped on her face and the rain is streaming in rivers down her cheeks. Andy’s sporting the most defeated look Darren has ever seen. It’s the first time he ever saw someone looking so beaten and plain drained.

          Andy smiles cryptically. “I wrote him a eulogy, you know?” She blinks, and he can’t help but notice the water catching on her eyelashes before looking back at the two tombstones.

          “It was two pages long. I did it overnight.” Andy makes a sniffing sound, and that is the moment Darren realizes she’s crying. Biting his lip, Darren puts his hand at her back and rubs it slowly.

          She sighs with quivering lips. “But I didn’t read it. It burned in my pocket, but I didn’t read it. It was too late. He was gone, and I never got the chance to tell him how much I love him.”

          By that time, Andy’s trashing out, but Darren holds her in his arms tightly. She starts screaming and scratching anything she touches. Darren holds her hands and grips it tight. He feels crying himself as he watches the force of Andy’s sobs shake her entire, frail body. Suddenly, he feels like an intruder. He feels as if he’s betraying her for being here when it is so obvious that this is something so incredibly private for Andy. But at the same time, he doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

          “Shh. I got you, I got you,” Darren whispers, struggling. “I’m here. Let it out. Let it out.”

          “He didn’t wait for me,” Andy cries, calming on Darren’s arms. “He didn’t. He left. Just like that. I told him to wait. But he didn’t. He died.”

          Holding the weeping woman in his arms, Darren wonders how he manages to understand and at the same time doesn’t completely understand this whole mystery that is Andy. Pushing the thought off his mind, Darren focuses on holding her tightly with the thought that maybe the tighter he holds her, the lesser the pain she’s feeling.

          He begins whispering sweet nothings in her ear and starts rocking back and forth. His clothes are sticking _everywhere_ ; there’s mud in his pants; he can feel the colds coming; it is still raining hard, and Darren doesn’t give two flying fucks. That’s the least of his problems at the moment.

          He has no idea how long they’ve been staying under the rain. Nobody knows how many minutes passed, but it is still pouring hard when Darren realizes Andy has finally calmed down. All that’s left are few sniffles.

          Andy grips Darren’s shoulder as she sits upright. “I’m sorry,” she mumbles, her voice hoarse.

          “Don’t be,” Darren assures her as he constantly rubs her back. “Let’s get out of here.”

          Andy nods, and without further ado, she starts walking, leaving a very confused and frustrated Darren.

~

**5.56PM**

Darren brings them to Phila Restaurant.

          They had been driving for a good ten minutes, and the silence was driving Darren mad, so when he spotted the restaurant, he immediately pulled off and half-carried a freezing Andy inside.

          Thankfully, the inside of the small restaurant is comfortably warm. It was sort of hidden and looked a little rundown from the outside but once they got inside, it was pretty charming. It was not too heavily lit and there was some soft piano music playing in the background.

          Andy and Darren occupy the seat nearest to the small stage where it feels secluded. As soon as they’re both seated, Darren finally has his ‘oh shit’ moment when he realizes how stupid his decision is. They are still wet, he hadn’t brought spare clothes, and half of the patrons are staring at them.

          Darren is glad people in Sierra County are occupied by hospitable people, because just as he’s about to throw the biggest tantrum in an almost full house restaurant, the store owner Jeremy and his partner Vincent brings them dry towels and suggests to adjust the temperature for more heat.

          The room is slowly getting more crowded as minutes pass by. Darren notices that because he purposely diverts his attention to anything but to the woman across him. She is just sitting there, staring at a blank space, and Darren doesn’t have any idea what to do. He is too confused, and he knows he won’t stop asking questions once he opened his mouth. Slim chances says it would probably make Andy uncomfortable or worst, cry (and the least thing Darren wants to happen is to bring people’s attention to them and be mistaken as if they are breaking up) so he chooses to shut up.

          “Play,” Andy speaks after a full five minutes of silence and Darren almost jumps from his seat.

          Taking a quick recovery, he clears his throat. “Huh?”

          “Play something,” she says. “I know you’re itching to strum the guitar on the stage.” Darren stares at Andy to see if she is joking, but he sees nothing of that sort. “Go on.”

          “I – I’m not sure if I’m allowed,” Darren stutters.

          Andy looks at him for a second longer before standing and reaching Vincent on the bar at the corner. Darren watches as they both interacts animatedly. He then sees him nod, and Andy gives him a smile before walking back to their table.

          “You’re crazy,” Darren says.

          “Come on,” Andy urges. “Play something.”

          Darren sighs. “Fine,” he says as if he mulled it for so long. Few customers starts clapping and some cheered as Darren goes up the stage.

          Darren hesitates for a moment before finally choosing to sit on the chair of the piano. He runs his fingers on the keys for a second before adjusting the mic towards his lips. He grins. “Um, hi everyone. My name’s Darren. Um, I don’t normally do this, but a friend asked me to play something here, so bear with me for a few minutes.” Darren pauses and plays some unfamiliar tunes. “So, um, this is a song that I had worked on for a very long time. It’s my original composition, and it originally belongs to a play that I was a part of. I’ve sung this on a few bars in San Francisco and LA, but I’ve never really thought of dedicating it to someone until now.” His eyes land on Andy.

          “Arella, this is for you.”

          Andy notices Darren’s eyes fluttering close as he starts playing, and she also notices how her heart starts beating very fast.

_I've been alone_  
Surrounded by darkness  
I've seen how heartless  
The world can be  
  
I've seen you crying  
You felt like it's hopeless  
I'll always do my best  
To make you see  
  
Baby, you're not alone  
'Cause you're here with me  
And nothing's ever gonna bring us down  
'Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you  
And you know it's true  
It don't matter what'll come to be  
Our love is all we need to make it through...  
  
Now I know it ain't easy  
But it ain't hard trying  
Everytime I see you smiling  
And I feel you so close to me...  
And you tell me:  
  
Baby, you're not alone  
'Cause you're here with me  
And nothing's ever gonna bring us down  
'Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you  
And you know it's true  
It don't matter what'll come to be  
Our love is all we need to make it through...  
  
I still have trouble  
I trip and stumble  
Trying to make sense of things sometimes...  
  
I look for reasons  
But I don't need 'em  
All I need is to look in your eyes  
And I realize...  
  
Baby, I'm not alone  
'Cause you're here with me  
And nothing's ever gonna take us down  
'Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you  
And you know it's true  
It don't matter what'll come to be  
Our love is all we need to make it through...  
  
Oh, 'cause you're here with me  
And nothing's ever gonna bring us down  
Cause nothing, nothing, nothing  
Can keep me from lovin' you  
And you know it's true  
It don't matter what'll come to be  
You know our love is all we need  
  
Our love is all we need  
To make it through...

          It is when Darren presses the last key that he notices the loud claps and cheers from the small audience. He opens his eyes and is immediately met by Andy’s. He feels his chest expanding, realizing that it is he who brought the face-splitting grin on Andy’s face.

          He stands, takes a bow, and trots back to their table where Andy is beaming at him.

          “Was it good?”

          “Good is the understatement of the year,” Andy says. “Are you kidding? You were amazing! You belong on the stage, Darren. You have-”

          “I knew it,” Jeremy says, sliding next to the vacant chair on their table. His eyes are wide and shining. “The first time I saw you I thought I know you somewhere. I couldn’t point out where, but I know so, and I’m never wrong. I may forget things easily, but I could recognize that voice anywhere,” he adds, speaking too fast that Darren only half-understands.

          “Um.”

          “Babe, calm down,” Vincent says, sitting between Andy and Jeremy who is still staring at Darren as if he is an angel sent from above or something.

          “You can’t tell me to calm down, Vincent Paul. The man sitting in front of us changed our lives forever. You shouldn’t be calm!”

          “I’m actually freaking out, but I think if I show it, we’ll scare our guests more, honey,” Vincent says, his voice slightly breaking.

          “Darren Criss, it is our great pleasure that you’re here tonight,” Jeremy prompts, shaking Darren’s hand faster and intensely than usual.

          Andy gives Darren a confused look, but Darren just looks calm and happy. “I figured you were a fan of Glee?”

          “ _Klaine_ generally, but yes, we love the whole show, of course. You don’t know how many buckets of tears I cried and how many tubs of ice creams we consumed when the last episode aired. And mind you, it was _not_ non-fat! Not non-fat!”

          “Thank you,” Darren says, smiling wide.

          “Darren Criss, you changed my life.”

          “Our lives,” Vincent prompts.

          “Our lives,” Jeremy repeats, still beaming at Darren.

          “Wow. Um. I feel so flattered, to be honest,” Darren says.

          “You and Chris Colfer did a really good job on that show. You inspired people so much. Look at me. I wouldn’t be this happy right now if it weren’t for you and that show.”

          “I wouldn’t have come out to my family.”

          “We wouldn’t be married and have two kids.”

          “Wow,” Darren says enthusiastically, glancing at Andy then back to Jeremy and Vincent. “This is epic.”

          “I never thought we’d ever meet. I mean, after Glee ended, you all separated ways, living each dreams and every-”

          “Guys, I am sorry to interrupt this momentous meeting, but I want to inform you that we have full house tonight and you are needed in the kitchen. Now.”

          “Buzz kill!” Jeremy shouts with an exasperated sigh. “Fine.” He turns to Darren. “It was so lovely meeting you, Blaine Anderson.”

          “Same to you guys,” Darren says, politely shaking their hands before the couple trots off.

          “I’m Elena, by the way. Vincent’s sister,” the woman speaks. “You did a great job up there,” she adds, beaming at Darren.

          “Thank you.”

          Elena looks at Andy and then to Darren again. “You’re a very lovely couple.” And just like that, she waltzes back to the bar counter.

          Andy and Darren are both silent for a couple of moments, both processing what just happened.

          “So,” Andy says with a sigh. “I thought I was the secretive one.”

          Darren’s gaze is somewhere else. “She thought we’re a couple,” is what he says, his voice perfectly even. “A lovely one.”

          “Um.”

          Darren stares at Andy and opens his mouth but no words come out. They both stays like that for a minute before Andy sighs again.

          “Care to explain what just happened?”

          Recovering quickly, Darren shifts from his seat. “Well . . .”

          “I’m right, then? You are an important person.”

          “I was kind of a TV personality,” Darren says. “Remember the gay role I told you about?”

          “Uh-huh?”

          “Well, yeah, it was on a show called Glee, which ended a year ago, and it was kind of . . . known, I think?”

          “You certainly didn’t mention it was worldwide known, though.”

          “Yeah. I thought it’s better to leave that part.”

          “Why?”

          “Because it’s over,” Darren says and shrugs.

          “You said you were a TV personality,” Andy presses on. “Past tense.”

          “Yeah, well after the show ended, I decided to focus on my music career.”

          “Okay,” Andy says, processing it all in. “Wow. This is cool.”

          “Um. Yeah,” Darren says, scratching the back of his neck. “Hey, are you okay now, though?”

          Darren immediately regrets asking because right after he asks, he sees how her smile falters.

          _What a fucking idiot._

~

**7.45PM**

“Um. The seats are probably wet, but I think Frank will understand,” Darren speaks, breaking the silence. The rain finally stopped, and they have been driving going back to Cecile and Frank’s house. Apparently, Andy doesn’t talk again and Darren is still worried sick. He just wants to bring Andy back to normal.

          Somehow, he thought opening his mouth will break the tension.

          It didn’t.

          “I’m sorry,” Andy mumbles.

          “Don’t be,” Darren prompts. “I’m an idiot. I shouldn’t have said that.” He sighs in defeat. “I’m just – I . . . this-”

          “Darren,” Andy says. “I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

          And just like that, he cracks.

          Darren deliberately pulls the car over nowhere and looks at Andy with wide eyes. “Okay. Let me stop you there first, alright?” he exclaims. “Don’t worry? Oh God. Are you fucking kidding me? How won’t I be worried? Please tell me. Because I don’t know how to. You just went out in the pouring rain like a mad woman! I didn’t know what to do, Andy! Fuck! I know you are crazy, getting a ‘get out’ tattoo on a spur of the moment, but running to the graveyard witho-”

          Andy pulls him into a hug. “Shut up,” she says and starts to chuckle.

          “What? Now you’re laughing? I don’t know about you, but I do not find this amusing! Not at all! This-”

          “I’m sorry, Darren,” Andy says, burying her face on Darren’s neck.

          “I just – God, Andy! You make me crazy you have no idea!” he exclaims.

          Andy chuckles more. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

          Darren wants to outburst more, but with Andy clutching him like her whole life depends on it, Darren only sighs and hugs her back. Tighter. “Just – don’t you do that again, alright? Ever. Do you understand me?”

          “Yes, I do,” Andy says. “And you’re choking me, D.”

          Darren loosens his embrace, but he doesn’t let go. He isn’t ready yet.

          “You are crazy,” Darren mumbles on Andy’s hair.

          “Again, I’ll take that as a compliment.”

          Darren finally lets her go.

          “Let’s go home. You should change out of those clothes before you get sick-”

          “I’m already sick,” she huffs out. Beside her, Darren gives a sideway glance that demands for an explanation. He stares at Andy as she shifts from her seat. She plays with the hem of her shirt before saying, “Darren. I’m leaving.”

          Darren feels his heart sink.

          “Um. Okay. Where are you going?” he asks.

          Andy shrugs, keeping her gaze away from his. “I don’t know. But same drill. Though I think I’ll take the train this time.”

          “Okay,” he says.

          “Okay,” she echoes.

          Silence becomes apparent in the small compartment before Darren breaks it. “Wait. Why?”

          “Because I can.”

          “Wait. Wait a second,” Darren says, shifting from his seat to face Andy. “Are . . . is there something wrong? Did I do something that made you upset?”

          Andy snaps her head and looks at him with wide eyes. “No, no,” she prompts. “This is perfect. You’re perfect, Darren.” Her eyes shift front. “And that’s the thing. Everything’s perfect, and I . . . I can’t. I have to leave.”

          “I don’t understand you.”

          “I don’t expect-”

          “I’m trying, Andy,” Darren says, louder than he anticipates. “I’m trying to cope up with you.”

          “And I’m thankful for that, Darren. I am,” Andy says with her eyes so big and so innocent and _fuck_. Darren just wants to bury himself right now. “I just felt I’m not really having-”

          “If this was because of what happened a while ago, I’ll forget it.”

          “That’s not it.”

          “I won, didn’t I?”

          “What?”

          “I cracked you open. What happened at the cemetery? That was you cracking up.”

          “That’s not it, Darren.”

          “Then what is it?” Darren shouts. “Tell me, Andy, because I’m lost here. I’m so fucking lost and clueless and I don’t know anything!”

          “This is not about you, Darren!” Andy shouts back. “Can’t you see? I’m lost myself!”

          “Running away won’t make you find yourself, Andy.”

          “Staying won’t, either,” she spits back. The truck is silent for a moment. Darren’s gaze stays the dark, empty road. “Look, Darren. These past few days were probably the best days I have ever had. But I need to go.”

          “You’ll leave. Just like that.”

          “That’s what I do.”

          “You’ll leave me.”

          “We’re not the same, Darren,” Andy snaps. “Even before I took that bus, everything was planned. Meeting you isn’t one of them. You just popped up into my life just like that. You decided to come with me. Leaving is inevitable. You brought yourself into this, Darren.”

          Darren is silent for a minute.

          _But I need you._

          The sudden thought causes alarm blare all throughout Darren’s whole body, and he reels slightly as realization struck him.

          “A day.”

          What he really means is: _I need you. I really do. It’s pathetic, but it is what it is. There’s no socially acceptable way of saying ‘oh fuck oh shit I need you, please god don’t leave me’ to a platonic friend, but Andy? Oh fuck oh shit I need you, please god don’t leave me. Please._

          Andy looks at him, and it is the first time Andy sees him like that. Darren’s expression scares her.

          “What?”

          “One day,” he says, clearer and firmer this time. “I’m asking for just one more day. My day. After that, you may go. I’ll . . . I’ll let you go.”


	9. The Great Escape

**April 19, 2014, 9.19AM**

Andy is awoken by the shaking truck. “What the-”

          Darren laughs from the other side of the truck. “Wake up, sleepy-head! We got a busy day ahead of us!”

          Andy wants to scream out loud. She is too fucking tired and her head is literally pounding, and Darren’s enthusiasm isn’t exactly helpful.

          Andy blinks as she finally takes in her surroundings. The sun is already shining brightly, and there are a few people taking a morning walk on the beach.

          Beach? Oh, right.

          They had been driving for hours without directions last night - not that they cared. It is Darren’s idea, and Andy only agreed. It is his day after all. It is a few hours after midnight when Andy starts hearing the crashing waves. They decide to stop there and stay outside the trunk of the truck to wait for the sunrise. Darren loves watching sunrise.

                She gazes at him and finds him seating at the edge of the trunk with a full smile on his stupid face.

          “Your smile. It’s blinding me,” Andy groans. She props herself up and brings her hands to her face.

          “Well, it’s a good day today!” Darren says, watching her flex and stretch. “And the beach looked really fine!”

          “Your enthusiasm is killing me,” Andy grumbles. “It’s too early.”

          “Of course not! Mr. Sun’s shining so bright!”

          “Oh, God. Leave me alone. Sleep,” she grouses. She tries sitting back, but Darren yanks her up.

          “Hey - ow!”

          Ignoring her protests, he jumps down the trunk. “Come on, grump,” he says. Darren makes a noise, holding out his arms. “Jump.”

          Andy’s eyes narrows as she looks at Darren wearing that annoying Darren grin. She wants to smack him right then and there. “Fuck off, Darren.”

          “Ooh. Sassy in the morning. Proven and tested.”

          “I’m tired,” Andy whines and slowly makes her way down the trunk, ignoring Darren’s frown for not taking his hands.

          “I’m pretty sure you won’t be when I tell you what I discovered.”

          Andy’s brow scrunches as she glares at him. “What?”

          “I’d tell you, but you have to wash up first. You stink.”

          Without permission, Darren easily scoops Andy off her feet and holds her up like a sacked potato in his arms. He starts jogging towards the water.

          Andy screams. “What the- Darren, put me down!”

          Darren chuckles. “I didn’t know you scream so girly.”

          “Fuck you, Darren! Bring me down!”

          “But this is so fun!”

          Andy groans. “I so fucking hate you right now.”

          “No, you don’t. You love me.”

          Andy scoffs. “Bring me the fuck down!” she commands.

          “If you say so,” Darren says.

          Before she knows it, she is already in the water.

~

**9.45AM**

“My feet hurt.”

          “Walk faster.”

          “We’ve been walking for an hour now!”

          Darren looks at her funnily. “It was just ten minutes.”

          “It’s an hour in dog years,” Andy defends pathetically. Darren smirks at her. She rolls her eyes. “Where are we going anyway?”

          No response.

          “You aren’t going to tell me where we’re going, are you?” she asks. Darren cocks his head sideways to look at her.

          “Nope.”

          Andy gives out an annoyed sigh but keeps her mouth shut. She entertains herself with the sands on her feet.

          “Stop thinking so hard.”

          “I’m not,” Andy snaps.

          “What was it you were thinking about?” Darren proceeds to question, and Andy rolls her eyes for the nth time since she woke up.

          “I was thinking about how my legs are killing me, how I just really wanted to sleep right now and how much I hate you for dunking me on the water,” Andy informs him, her voice dripping with sarcasm. Darren sees how her nose crinkles. “Disgusting,” she mutters.

          “Disgusting?”

          “Yes, it’s disgusting. The ocean’s like the bath tub of the world, okay?”

          Darren huffs out a laugh. “You’re such a diva.”

          “I am not!” Andy scowls and starts stomping her feet like a petulant child. “You know what, this is ridiculous. Why didn’t we just take the truck? We brought it with us for a reason, you doofus. I’m really tired. We had been up all night. And shouldn’t you be tired too? You didn’t sle - what is _that_?”

          Darren’s smile is so wide Andy is scared his face might split. They walk for a few more seconds before stopping at the main entrance.

          He throws his hands and spread it wide. “That is a Ferris wheel,” he points out. “And we’re going there later.”

          Andy stills, taking in what is in front of her. Somehow, her mood lightens a little bit.

          “Are we . . . is this –”

          “Yep,” Darren says, beaming. “Welcome to paradise.”

 ~

**10.13AM**

“Oh no.”

          But Darren is beaming excitedly, nodding his head in enthusiasm, and Andy swears she is with a five year old child instead of a twenty-something man.

          Darren hops happily towards the big carousel ride just in time as the current ride finishes.

          “A dollar per person,” the conductor informs. Darren grins at Andy before fetching two dollars for the both of them. The conductor nods and motions them in. Darren runs over to a horse he seems to be eyeing in since he saw it. Andy walks next to his. Steadily, she struggles to slide onto the saddle.

          “Need help?” he offers.

          “If that’s an excuse to touch my ass, then no,” Andy grumbles.

          Darren laughs out loud. “Please. You love it when I’m probing you.”

          Andy rolls her eyes. Darren reaches her, holds her waist and hoists her up.

          “Thanks,” she mumbles. Darren only grins before hopping to his own.

          “Can’t believe I’m riding this,” Andy mutters, leaning forward on the horse’s neck. “Last time I rode one was because mom made me.”

          Andy and Darren both look over as the other kids hoist their selves on their horses behind them.

          “Surprising?” Darren cranes his head towards her.

          Andy shrugs. “Not really.”

          Other children begin to occupy the other horses, and in no time, the carousel is on full house.

          The familiar carnival music begins to play and the carousel starts moving. Darren is literally bouncing on his horse and Andy’s torn between smacking him and laughing at him.

          “This is the most boring ride in a carnival, did you know that?” she informs.

          Darren gapes and feigns offense. “How dare you?”

          “It’s true,” she mutters.

          After a few minutes, the carousel finally comes to a stop, and everybody gets off their horses.

          “Well, wasn’t that just fun!” Darren exclaims as they step out of the carousel area.

          “Yeah. Absolutely,” Andy deadpans.

          Darren ignores her as another ride catch his eyes. “Hey! Let’s ride the-”

          “Oh no, we won’t. We won’t be getting on any rides unless we fill my stomach. I’m famished.”

          Darren nods in agreement. “Okay.” He bites his lips, his eyes catching something behind her. “But that looks really fun. Let’s try it first. Please? Pretty please?”

          Darren is looking at her through his long eyelashes and _damn_ – the puppy dog eyes are so goddamn frustrating.

          Andy groans. “I swear I’m a babysitter,” she muffles.

          Darren squeaks happily. “You’re the best!”

~

**12.20PM**

“What the fuck?”

          Andy glances over her shoulder, eyebrows raised and tongue pressed against her vanilla ice cream, to see Darren frowning down at the ground.

          “What happened?” she asks, licking her ice cream again.

          “ _Andy_ ,” Darren whines and holds up his ice cream cone that is lacking ice cream. Andy looks down at the pavement and sees the already melting blob of chocolate right by Darren’s shoe.

          Andy laughs loud as she shakes her head, Darren pouting at her. “How in the world did you manage that?”      

          “I don’t know,” he whines again, stepping closer and still holding his empty cone. “You should share with me,” he says with a determined look.

          “Hell no!” Andy says, glaring.

          “Please?” Darren drones. He bats his eyelashes and ups the pout to the highest level.

          “I thought vanilla was boring?” Andy arches an eyebrow, and then pointedly licks her ice cream. “Just go get a new one.”

          “Or you could share with me,” Darren suggests again, eyes lighting up as if it’s the best idea ever. “Even though your flavor’s boring. I just can’t understand why you’d get vanilla when there are like twenty other flavors to choose from. It just doesn’t make sense.”

          Andy gives him a pointed look. “You aren’t helping your case.”

          “I’m wrong and vanilla is awesome and absolutely the best,” Darren tries instead, and Andy rolls her eyes.

          “You’re impossible,” she mutters, reluctantly holding out her ice cream and letting out an extended, anguish, over-dramatic sigh. Darren leans in, holding Andy’s gaze as he drags his tongue slowly over the ice cream.

          Andy almost chokes at the sight. “You’re disgusting!”

          Darren ignores her and instead hums. He drags out, licking his lips, and Andy whirls around and starts walking away. Darren’s loud laugh follows after her. “Wait! I’m not done sharing yet!”

          “Too fucking bad!” Andy shouts back, lifting the cone to her mouth.

          Damn Darren and his fucking sexual innuendos.

          There is a sudden collision with her back, and Andy stumbles forward, body locking up before she recognizes Darren’s arms curling around her and his chin hooking over Andy’s shoulder.

          “Please.” Darren noses at her neck, and Andy closes her eyes, exhaling slowly.

          An idea escapes her thoughts, and before she backs out, she starts to lick the ice cream deliberately, twists her head around, wraps her fingers around Darren’s curls and tugs his head. The next thing Darren knows, Andy’s tongue is shoved up in his mouth.

          Darren moans, and suddenly the only thing he thinks about is all blame goes to Andy if ever he pops a boner right then and there because _fuck it_ if isn’t the hottest thing.

          Sadly though, even before the real fun begins, Andy pulls back and greets Darren with a smug grin.

          She fully turns around and slowly starts stepping away, locking her gaze with Darren’s as she seductively licks her ice cream just like what he did a while back. Andy then whips around and walks as if nothing happened.

          “I fucking love vanilla,” Darren says under his breath. He then smiles and catches up with Andy. “Hey, did we just have our first kiss?” he asks.

          Andy purposely ignores him.

~

**2.18PM**

“See that? I’m gonna win it for you. Watch.”

          Darren jogs toward the play area with the other players.

          “When the bell rings, hold down the button and aim straight into this hole,” the mediator informs, making hand motions and pointing to the location of the target. “The winner gets a stuffed animal of their choice.”

          The game begins, and Darren actually handles the game well. His horse is in second place, and seconds later becoming the first. As the bell rings, Darren has the stupid smirk on his face.

          “The winner is number four!” the mediator announces. Darren grins and pointedly looks at Andy in the audience. She is smiling and clapping with the rest of the watchers.

          “Choose,” Darren mouths. She looks up to the stuffed toys and scans them one by one. Finally, she points a stuffed toy puppy. The referee hands it to Darren and then walks toward her. She bites her lower lip as she takes the stuffed toy.

          “ _Salamat_ ,” she says.

          “ _Walang anuman_ ,” Darren replies and beams.

~

**4.33PM**

“Stop it.”

          “Stop what? I’m not doing anything.”

          “You’re _gloating_ , Andy.”

          “I am not. I just think that after I won the game for the third time, I deserve all the bragging rights.”

          “Thus the gloating,” Darren points out and rolls his eyes.

          “Fine, then. I’m gloating. Because I won. And you lost. For three consecutive times. In the game you said you’re pro at. And did I mention consecutive? Yep.”

          Darren glares at Andy, wanting anything but to shake her. He doesn’t though. Instead, he reaches for one of the California rolls in the middle of the table and chucks it at Andy’s chest.

          Andy stares at her (or his) shirt for a moment before lifting her head up to look at Darren. “Did you just throw a roll at me?”

          “Maybe,” Darren challenges. “Although, I guess you could say-”

          “-don’t you dare finish that sente-”

          “-that you’re on a roll.”

          Before Darren knows it, a roll flies back across the table, smacking straight into Darren’s forehead.

          Darren’s eyes darken. “Oh, it is on.”

          “You have an obsession with winning! It’s unhealthy! Holy- DARREN EVERETT CRISS, PUT THE FUCKING FETTUCCINI DOWN!”

          Darren catches Andy around the waist, bringing them together and then smearing a handful of the creamy pasta down the side of Andy’s face.

          “Oh my God,” Andy groans. “Was that really necessary?”

          Darren licks up Andy’s cheek and she flinches.

          “YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT!”

          “OH YEAH? WELL I DID JUST DO THAT!”

          “YOU’RE A FUCKING PUPPY!”

          “AND YOU’RE A FUCKING PUPPY MOLESTER!”

          “THAT’S FUCKING IT! YOU-”

          A loud cough interrupts. The beefy stand owner is glaring intensely, his eyes shifting between the both of them.

          “Out of my stand. _Now._ ”

          It is the first time Darren sees Andy run _that_ fast.

~

**5.52PM**

“Andy?”

          “Yeah?”

          “I don’t know about you, but I think Frank and Cecile will be glad to adopt me.”

          Andy rolls her eyes and scoffs. “Of course you are. You’re like a snake-charmer, Darren.”

          “I can’t decide if I want to be offended or not. I can’t decide if I should be.”

          “It’s a compliment. I am thoroughly charmed,” Andy replies, voice dry but a smile slanting her lips.

          There’s a pause, and Andy waits for it, and then – “So I charm you.”

          But of course that’s what catches Darren’s attention. _Of fucking course._

          Darren’s grin is Cheshire-cat wide, and Andy shoots him an unimpressed look, one corner of her mouth tucking up into a wry smile.

          “That was sarcasm. You are the least charming human being I have ever met.”

          Andy can feel Darren’s eyes on her staring at her, and she resolutely keeps her gaze fixed forward.

          “If I were any more charming, I’d be a Disney prince.”

          Andy fights it for a second but the moment she glances over and sees Darren grinning at her like a maniac, she cracks, barking out a sudden burst of laughter.

          “You are ridiculous, Darren Criss.” Shaking her head, she averts the topic.  “So. Having fun?”

          Andy notices Darren quietly sliding closer to her to keep him away from the edge. She cocks her head to look at him.

          “Uh, yeah,” he says tentatively after a while. “Um. This is higher than I thought.”

          Andy smirks and raises one eyebrow. “Why, scared of height, Criss?”

          Darren scoffs. “Of course not.”

          Andy watches Darren for a second before shrugging. “Well, then. If you say so.”

          Before Darren can even react, Andy wiggles from her seat.

          Darren might have screamed. Maybe. He knows his heart stopped beating for a second. He also knows that Andy’s doubling with laughter.

          “Oh my God.” Andy is literally wheezing now between her laughter, bent over and letting the bar support her weight. Darren wonders if he looks as mortified as he feels. “Your face. Priceless.”

          “Screw you,” Darren mumbles as his pulse slowly returns to its resting place.

          “I didn’t even know your screams could get that high pitched.”

          “I hate you.” But Darren can’t help grinning now, because Andy is still doubling with laughter and her laughter is sort of contagious.

          When Andy calms down and the only sound that Darren can hear is her slightly laboring breathing, she wipes her eyes and looks at Darren.

          “Why did you even consider getting up on this ride when you’re afraid of it?”

          “Please wait until we’re not dangling in the air or in the midst of our death to make fun of me,” Darren says through gritted teeth.

          Andy chuckles and says, “Seriously, though. Why?”

          Darren fidgets from his seat. He keeps his eyes glued down on the hem of his shirt. “Your eyes lit up when you saw it,” he mumbles.

          Andy might have blushed. Probably.

          “Finally, I’m rubbing off you,” Darren says and peeks through his eyelashes to look at her. “I’m getting better at observing.”

          Andy doesn’t respond. The next few minutes of the ride is spent in whole silence.

          The sun is setting. The sky is orange and purple and pink and blue. The sun is sinking gradually lower, dying the water a deep indigo. The lower the sun sank, the brighter the lights of the boardwalk glare in return.

          It is breathtaking.

          And Andy realizes, right then and there – so is the man beside her.


	10. Chasing Cars

**April 19, 2014, 6.23PM**

“Holy shit.”

          Darren looks up from his crepe and glances at Andy. “Huh?”

          Andy carefully scoots closer to him. “Darren. Hide me.”

          “What’s going on?” he asks as he feels Andy crouching behind him.

          “It’s the creepy guy from the market,” Andy whispers at the back of his neck.

          “Andy, I don’t understand.” Darren tries turning around to face her, but Andy holds his shoulders sharply to let him stay in his position. Darren groans in pain.

          “Remember when we went to the market with Cecile?”

          “Yeah?” he says, pouting. His shoulders hurt.

          “When you were both buying the meat and I was in the fruit section, that guy talked to me.”

          “So?”

          “He tried to hit on me, Darren.”

          Darren frowns. Suddenly, he felt more defensive and protective.

          “Where is he?”

          “The tall guy. Brunette. Yellow tank top.”

          Darren scans his surroundings from where they are standing. There are few men wearing yellow, so Darren is having a hard time determining who is who.

          He suddenly feels something sticky on his hands, and he groans when he realizes the sundae on his crepe already melts.

          “Wait a sec. I’ll get napkin,” he says dejectedly, already walking towards the stall where they bought the crepe.

          “Darren!” Andy’s voice is panicky, but the sundae is already dripping on the ground, so he ignores her. He knows he couldn’t eat the delicious dessert anymore, so he heads to the nearest trash bin which he remembers is behind the stall. After throwing it, he turns around, and suddenly, Andy isn’t where he left her.

          “Fuck,” he whispers, scanning the small crowd in front of him. He starts walking, his eyes still flying around.

          “Babe, babe!”

          Darren recognizes the voice, but he ignores it. There is no way that is Andy.

          “Darren!” His head whips around, and he finally spots Andy, a few meters away from him, and she is waving to him, _too enthusiastically_ , Darren notices. Walking towards her, he soon realizes why Andy looks so uncomfortable and her eyes are so wide and her smile is so fake.

          In front of her is the yellow tank top dude.

          “Baby!”

          Darren pinches himself in the arm to prevent himself from laughing out loud. He never imagined that word coming out from Andy’s mouth, not when she is clearly agitated, not ever.

          Darren understands the situation even before he reaches his destination, so when he does; he immediately wraps his right arm on Andy’s waist, taking her right hand in the process. Even before Andy can react, he slips his ring to her ring finger.

          To his surprise, Andy’s hand finds its way into Darren’s hair and tugs it lower before connecting their lips together.

          And goddamn it if doesn’t feel fucking good.

          Sadly, it only takes five fucking seconds to last. Andy pulls off, and when Darren opens his eyes, he notices the pink stain in Andy’s face.

          Darren composes himself immediately and notices that yellow tank top dude is staring at them, his jaw slightly dropped.

          “Why, hello. Who’s this, _baby_?”

          Darren smirks at the word. He could totally get used to it.

          “Yeah, umm this is . . . Um, Rick-”

          “-Ryan-”

          “Ryan,” Andy corrects herself. “And we were having a lovely chat.” Andy’s pitch is higher than usual, and Darren bites his lip to restrain himself from guffawing right then and there.

          “Yeah? About what, baby?”

          Darren prolongs the pet name on his tongue, and he can feel Andy tensing beside him.

          “He was just congratulating us for our . . . uh . . .”

          “Engagement? Wow, thank you,” Darren says. With that, Andy holds up her right hand and _giggles._

“Yeah, uh, see you around. Congrats, I guess?” Ryan mumbles and stalks away, clearly confused about what just happened.

          Andy and Darren sharea a look before laughing obnoxiously.

          “That was epic!” Darren says, wheezing.

          “Oh my God. I actually feel bad for him!” Andy chuckles.

          “Baby,” he says, staring at Andy. Andy goes red and stops from laughing.

          “Shut up,” she mumbles as Darren’s chest vibrates.

          “Why, baby? Is my baby mad?”

          “Fuck off, Darren,” Andy says, playfully pushing Darren off her.

          “Is that how you speak to your fiancé? I’m thoroughly turned off.”

          “Good,” Andy says and starts walking away. Darren chuckles.

          “Baby, wait!” he teases, jogging towards her.

          Andy flips him off.

~

**6.44PM**

“Darren, what-”

          But then Darren is pulling her through a curtain and piling in after him, squeezing them close together in what is apparently a dark, small space.

          “Where are we?” Andy shifts, trying to get more comfortable on the tiny seat, but it is a little difficult when she is practically in his lap.

          “Shh.”

          It was then that Andy acknowledges the dim light that even let her see a glimpse of Darren’s face, and then lets out a surprised laugh as Darren slots a couple of dimes into the machine.

          “Seriously, Darren? A photo booth?”

          Darren pauses and looks at Andy with a frown. “What’s wrong with a photo booth? It’s like, the best way to end the day in a carnival. Besides, it prints out actual, tangible photo strips that I can pin on my fridge at home.”

          Andy pauses. “You want a photo strip of us on your fridge?” she asks timidly, watching Darren as he finishes slotting the last dime and then starts browsing through the cheesy frames on the screen.

          “Duh.” Darren pauses on one of the frames, which is decorated with small puppies. Andy snorts.

          “Wanting more of your face on the pic, eh?” she teases. Darren scoffs and skips past it.

          “Can we just not do a border? It’s too mainstream,” she says.

          “Fine, be lame.” Darren wraps his arms around Andy’s waist, and suddenly, the tight space is much more comfortable. “Ready?”

          Even before Andy could respond, he presses the big START button, and they both shuffles into the guidelines on the screen. Black numbers starts to flash.

          “Wait, what are we go-”

          Darren puckers his lips – Andy laughs (she couldn’t help it), and just like that, one picture is gone.

          “Wait! Ugh.”

          The numbers starts again. Darren grins, big and adorable, and with two seconds left to spare, Andy leans in and kisses him on the cheek – Darren’s eyebrows shoots up in surprise just as the flash goes.

          Darren nudges Andy’s chin to make her look at him. He makes a funny face, and Andy covers half her face to hide her laugh just as another flash goes off.

          “How many are there?”

          Darren doesn’t respond. Andy watches the numbers blink again.

          “Darren?” she says. Craning her neck to look at him, Andy finds Darren looking at her with a small smile playing in his lips.

          Flash.

          “Seven.”

          Andy sucks in a fast breath as Darren starts leaning forward.

          Flash.

          Their foreheads meet, and Andy bites her lip. She forces her eyes closed for a second.

          “Darren.”

          “Hmm?”

          Flash.

          She opens her eyes and sees Darren’s eyes closed.

          “Don’t ruin it.”

          Andy sees how he grins wide that the side of his eyes crinkles. Andy closes her eyes and bites her lip once again, a smile peeking on her mouth.

          Flash.

          The room gets dark once more, but they stay where they are for a few seconds.

          “That’s seven,” Darren whispers, swiping his thumb over Andy’s lower lip. Andy opens her eyes and is taken aback at how green and brown Darren’s eyes are.

          She lets out a shaky breath. “Yeah.”

          “Let’s look?”

          “Yeah.”

          Darren and Andy scramble out of the small machine and waits for the pictures outside. They stand shoulder to shoulder as they look at it.

          “I hate the first and the third. I was just laughing like a hyena.”

          “It’s adorable,” Darren says and chuckles.

          Andy’s gaze is drawn to the last picture. Darren must’ve opened his eyes on the last second because he is staring at Andy with a wide grin, and she has her eyes closer with a shy smile on her lips.

          “I think that one’s my favorite,” Andy says, brushing her fingertip over the image. Darren’s lips curl into a small smile.

          “Really? I’m pretty sure the fourth is the best.”

          Andy stares at the grainy picture. It is a bit hard to make out in the not-so-great quality of the photo strip, but she as sure can tell they looked as if they were in a trance. Darren’s eyes were glued on the Andy’s face, staring at her as if she’s the most important thing.

          Andy blushes. She might’ve not noticed her reaction, but she can point out that the way Darren had been looking at Andy was exactly how Andy was looking at Darren.

~

**7.19PM**

“Darren.”

          “Yeah?”

          “Are you happy?”

          Darren looks at Andy and smiles a toothless grin. “I am.”

          “Good.” She pauses and pokes the sand with the stick she is holding. “That makes both of us.”

          “Really?”

          “Yes.”

          Darren sighs happily and brings his eyes to the surroundings. He manages to convince some of the people at the beach to spare them some woods once it gets dark and too cold. They got a bonfire going, small enough that they end up huddling together, but warm enough for the both of them.

          Darren is sitting next to Andy, who has her arms wrapped around herself. His hands are trembling a bit and he is breathing in air that smells like sea-salt. The sound of the crashing of the waves is prominent. He picks his guitar on his lap, toes digging into the sand, and starts playing something familiar - this one melody that he hears like an echo in his head every time he is with Andy.

          He looks up from his guitar and watches some kids laughing this sweet, delighted laugh, running around on the beach with the seagulls. He glances over at Andy and finds her watching them too with a delighted smile on her face, like a child still fascinated by the world and its intricacies.

          “When I die,” Darren says suddenly, quietly, but the night is still and the words carry. “I wanna do this all over again.”

          Andy blinks. “What?”

          “I’m serious.”

          “Darren.”

          Andy tilts her head and watches Darren completely relaxed, open, soft and smiling about the world and everything in it.

          “When I die, I’m demanding a do-over,” Darren explains thoroughly.

          “I don’t think it works like that.” Andy pulls her own legs up to her chest and rests her chin on her knee. She’s pretty sure they won’t be going back inside the car for a while. The night is nice though, cool enough to feel good on her bared skin, warm enough to keep her from shivering. She shifts closer to Darren and can feel the heat from his body seeping into his own skin.

          “It works however the fuck I want it to work,” Darren says, pursing his lips. “When I die – whenever the fuck that is – I’m going to come back and I’m gonna do this again. We’re gonna do this again.”

          Andy stays silent. Somehow, however crazy that sounds, she realizes she wants it, too.

~

**10.13PM**

“ _Look at the stars, look how they shine for you . . ._ ”

          “There are no stars, you idiot.”

          Darren frowns but there is fondness in his eyes. “Way to kill the mood.”

          Andy chuckles and leans further on the comforter that hugs her whole body, the comforter being Darren. She doesn’t know how they’d gotten to the position, but she is in no position to complain. Darren really is fluffy.

          “Darren?” Andy whispers.

          “Yeah?”

          “Ask me questions.”

          Darren is silent for a second before he shakes his head. “Hey, it’s alright. I understand if you don’t want to talk about it.”

          “Darren. I want to talk about it. I want you to know.”

          Darren is silent as he chooses his words carefully. “Who was he?”

          “He’s my papa.”

          “Were you really close?”

          “No. We weren’t even close,” Andy answers and sighs. “He left us when my brother and I are still young,” she explains.

          “I’m sorry.”

          “We were, though,” she says. “We were close. When I was a child. But I remember vague memories.” Andy sighs deep. “It’s weird, you know? Grieving for someone who wasn’t even there for half of your life. It’s weird.”

          “He’s your father,” Darren says simply.

          “That’s the only thing that keeps me sane. He’s my father. I should grief.”

          “Is it the reason why you ran?”

          “Mostly, but not at all. I just wanted to go away. The guilt was literally killing me.”

          “Why are you guilty? You’re not the reason he’s dead,” Darren says, then Andy feels him still. “Unless . . .”

          Andy is silent for a minute. “He left, Darren.” Andy scoots closer to him. “I was in fourth grade when he left. Bryan and I were about to go to school. We were just waiting for the school bus. He talked to us outside of our house. Told us he was going to leave, because he and mom’s relationship isn’t working anymore. We still headed to school. When we got back, he was gone.”

          It is when Darren cradles her that he realizes she was crying.

          “He left. Just like that. I resented him for leaving us – me - so easily.” She wipes the tears on the sleeves of her sweater. “Eventually, mom got a new husband, and he lived alone, far away from us. He was alone all these years, Darren.” She pauses. “I left no sympathy for him, though. He left. He chose to leave us. He didn’t fight for us. I lived half of my life knowing that.”

          Andy pauses for a minute. “But you know what sucks? It was when you finally knew that everything you believed in is complete and utter bullshit.”

          Pursing her lips, she blinks the tears away and continues, “He fought, you know? I didn’t know that before. But he did. He did fight for whatever’s left of them. He still loved her, Darren, but he chose to leave. Because she was not happy. Because he wasn’t enough. She had big dreams, Darren. She wanted more. He wanted less.”

          _Sometimes, it’s nice not knowing everything._

          Darren remembers what Andy had said, and now he understood the meaning behind those words.

          Andy meets Darren’s eyes. “People don’t die from suicide, Darren. They die from sadness.”

          “Shh, it’s okay,” Darren murmurs, taking her back into his arms. He can feel her tears dripping on his shirt. “It’s not your fault.”

          “You don’t understand. It is my fault. I just let him live alone. I wasn’t there for him when he needed someone. I was a bad daughter, Darren. I have one chance to be a daughter to my father, and I failed to do it.”

          “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t blame you,” Darren says.

          Andy stifles a bitter laugh. “You know, sometimes, I let my thoughts speak for him. Like, ‘when I die, don’t come to my grave and sit there for hours, telling me how much you love me and miss me, because those are the things I wanted to hear when I still could hear.’” Andy pauses. “Maybe that’s the reason why I didn’t read the eulogy. It all just seemed pretty pointless.”

          “Stop beating yourself up,” Darren mumbles. “People come and go, Andy. No one could predict when.”

          “He could’ve lived longer, Darren. I should have been there with him.” Andy pauses. “It was a Tuesday. I was in my 8:30 class when I got the text from Bryan. He said he’s going home because papa was stroked and he was comatose. I wanted to go home so bad, but I needed to stay. I was a college graduating student. I should stay, mom said. I can’t afford ditching my classes. But no, I said. I will go home. I wanted to see him. So I booked a bus. Thursday night. That night, I attended an event in school. Everything seemed fine. The next day, I woke up with a text from Bryan.”

          Andy is full time crying again. “He didn’t wait for me, Dare. He was so unfair. He waited for Bryan, but he didn’t wait for me. All I was asking was one more day. Just twenty-four hours. But no. He died.”

          Darren doesn’t say anything. He clearly doesn’t know what to say. All he can offer is his warm embrace. No pity. He knows Andy hates it. So no. There is no pity involved. Just him. Him alone.

          And Andy is satisfied.

          Five minutes later, she is asleep in his arms.

~

When the sun shines bright the next day, Darren is alone, and all that’s left is a Polaroid picture of a familiar yellow tulip positioned next to the words miss me when you’re gone tattooed on a familiar bare back shoulder.

          At the back are two words written:

         _You won_


	11. Wanderlust ii

 

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	12. Already Home

**August 14, 2016, 7.32PM**

“Ah, fuck this!”

          If you will ask Darren Criss his opinion on his life at the moment, he will probably tell you that it is pretty stupid.

Life is stupid. Not because he is unhappy – no, that’s not it. To be honest, he was much less unhappy than he was before for a few weeks now. Things are a bit brighter and the future doesn’t seem to look completely dull at the moment.

But that doesn’t mean life is great. Because life is anything but great. Life is stupid. Especially when you get to trip over a perfectly cemented and dry pavement.

Darren wants to scream at the top of his lungs. For a moment, he doesn’t care if he’s in the middle of the parking lot. He doesn’t care if a mother and a child who are walking down the block will hear him. He doesn’t care if all the dogs howl in surprise. He doesn’t care at all.

          He’s had bad days, but this one is probably the worse.

          It’s not that he forgot to turn his alarm clock off this morning and disturbed his once in a week peaceful morning break. It’s also not that he stepped on a plug when he was headed to the bathroom. It’s not even the fact that after seven years of living with his perfectly working heater, it decided to malfunction today.

Nope. It’s not all of that. He could deal with nature’s bullshit pretty much okay, _you know,_ for a change.

But it seems he’d been dealing with it for the past couple of months, and Darren just _cracked._

All he wants is to scream to the whole world how shitty his life has become.

He doesn’t.

Instead, he stays sitting on the pavement with legs wide open as if slipping on a perfectly dry pavement is part of his everyday life.

Chris Colfer calling him to hang out is probably the best thing Darren Criss has ever heard all day.

He hasn’t seen the guy in months, and he wouldn’t admit it out loud, but he does miss him. They did work together for a couple of years, and Chris has become a very dear friend. Even after their show ended three years ago and they all proceed to carry on with their own lives, Darren and Chris still keeps in touch.

Darren begins to wonder about what life would be like if he didn’t get to join Glee. He wouldn’t be able to meet some of the greatest people on earth who he also considers as his second family. He wouldn’t be able to show the whole world his talents. He wouldn’t be able to be as successful as he is today. Without that show, he would be nothing. Not literally, but he sure as hell knows he wouldn’t be who he is today.

          A car passing down the road honks, taking Darren out of his sudden existential realizations. Consciously, Darren grasps the fact that he is still sitting on the pavement. If he isn’t meeting Chris, he would’ve stayed where he is longer. Sitting down in the middle of the parking lot is remarkably therapeutic - well, Darren thinks so, or maybe he is just so stressed that he’s already going crazy.

          Darren sighs, groans and then ungraciously props himself up. He brushes off the dirt that stuck on his worn-out jeans and leaps out of the parking lot as if nothing happened.

          The bell inside the coffee house chimes as Darren enters.

          “Ah! And he showed up,” Chris says, standing up and opening his arms as Darren walks towards him. Somehow, seeing an old familiar face lightens Darren’s mood up a little.

          He and Chris give each other a brotherly hug, too long than they both anticipated. God did he miss this man.

          “Of course I would,” Darren replies as they both pull off. “You thought I wouldn’t?”

          Chris shrugs and pats Darren at the shoulder. “Well in case you haven’t noticed, you’ve been MIA for months now.”

          “I’m sorry,” Darren apologizes sincerely. “I’ve gotten a bit busy these past few months. And Alan has been up on my ass lately. He’s really pressuring me on the album.”

          Chris’ eyes widen excitedly. “Ah, yes, the album! How’s that going?”

          “Hold that question because I’m literally dying for caffeine right now I think I might crumble to dust. Refill?”

          Chris shakes his head. “Nah, I’ll get one later.”

          Darren nods and gives a small smile to Chris before leaving and going to the counter to order. A few minutes later, Darren comes back with a steaming cup, a stir stick and a few sugar and cream packets.

          “So, long time,” Chris says, watching Darren sprinkle the sugar to his coffee and crumple the used packets into a ball in his hands. “You look-” Chris pauses as he brings his point finger to his mouth.

          Through his eyelashes, Darren looks up from his cup to Chris. “Fucked up?”

          “Knackered,” Chris supplies.

          “Ah. Still as eloquent as I remember,” Darren teases. “And speaking of eloquent, how’s the book going?”

          Chris shrugs nonchalantly. “It’s going.”

          Darren throws the rest of the packets at the corner of the table and finally leans comfortably on the chair. “Got me a copy?”

          Chris rolls his eyes. “Of course not. Buy it. It’s cheap.” He brings his cup to his mouth. “And as if you have the time reading it.” He gives Darren a pointed look.

          “Oh come on,” Darren says, finally getting a sip of his coffee. “I’m craving for the limited edition handed by the one and only Christopher Colfer.”

          Chris raises an eyebrow. Darren catches it and looks confused for a second before realization dawns to him. He grins.

          “Oh right. Chris Sherrod. I’m sorry,” Darren says, his eyes briefly shifting on the gold band on his friend’s finger. “How’s he, anyway? And where?”

          Chris grins. “He’s fine, and he’s at work.”

          “On a Sunday?”

          “Apparently doctors don’t have scheduled day-offs,” Chris says and rolls his eyes. “But hey, enough about me. We’re here to talk about you. How’s everything going, DC? What have you been up to lately, huh?”

          Darren shrugs. “Eh. Basically just working on my music.”

          Chris nods enthusiastically. “Yeah? How’s it going? And what’s this I’m hearing about Alan pressuring you?”

“Lyrics stuff,” Darren explains. “He was only being a good producer, though, looking out for the deadline and all. I just wish he gets off my ass and stop reminding me every goddamn hour about it.”

“Poor you,” Chris fusses. “How’s it going, anyway?”

          Darren shrugs casually. “Pretty fine,” he drones. Then, when Chris tilts his head and merely continues to watch him in silence, Darren’s shoulders sag. “Fucking not,” he mutters and groans. He throws his head back as he rubs both of his eyes tiredly. “I just . . . I can’t get my head into my game, man. It’s there. I know it is. I just can’t fucking collect my shit together.”

          Chris cringes slightly. “Hey, don’t beat yourself up too much.”

“It’s just so goddamn frustrating, you know? It’s just one song left. One fucking song and I couldn’t even do it.”

          Chris once again brings his fingers to his mouth. “Hmm. Why do you think?”

          “I don’t know, man. I know what I want to say. I already have this melody. But the lyrics. Fucking lyrics.” Darren pauses and eyes Chris for a moment. “You seriously look like Ryan when you do that finger thing. Please stop. It’s fucking creepy.”

          “You do have an idea somehow, right?” Chris asks, ignoring Darren’s last statement.

          Darren sighs and nods. “Yeah, I do. But it just doesn’t come out.” Darren groans again. “I’m so fucked up right now.”

          “No, you aren’t,” Chris states, dignified. “As what I can see, you’re just stressed out.” Chris eyes him for a minute before he shifts from his seat and sighs. “Looks like you need to get away for a while.” Chris pauses and frowns at him. “But not like the getaway you did a couple of years ago. You scared the living shit out of all of us. You just disappeared, Darren. No one knew where you went. We were totally worried sick.”

          Darren is silent for a second. He doesn’t really know what to say about that. It’s been months since the last time his little adventure has been brought up again. Darren convinced himself a long time ago to get it out of his head. He thinks that a year and a half is already ample on hoping that whenever his doorbell rings or his phone vibrates, it’s going to be her. It’s never going to be her, and Darren learnt to deal with it. He thinks it’s enough of a sign to tell him to just move on with his life.

          But then, hearing it again from his friend brings some sort of relief to Darren. There came a point on these past two years that he questions his sanity. He started thinking that maybe he just imagined everything. Maybe there really wasn’t Andy. Maybe he was already going crazy. The only thing keeping him sane is the worn Polaroid film on his wallet that reminds him everything was real. He didn’t imagine it. Andy is real.

          “You never really talked about that, though,” Chris says, taking Darren away from his thoughts.

          Chris is right. It’s been two years, and Darren never spoke to anyone about what happened to that week of his disappearance. He knows everyone deserve an explanation because his actions were really irresponsible, but he’s more comfortable on the fact that no one knows about it. Whatever happened on those days is between him and her. No one else.

Chris snapping his fingers in front of Darren’s face takes him back to the present. He snaps his head up and sees Chris looking suddenly genuinely concerned.

Darren shakes his head and smiles sheepishly as he realizes that he’s been zoning out. He isn’t exactly up for having a trip down to memory lane today. Or ever, even if his mind betrays him every single night. Somehow, its betrayal upgraded on another level because he is sure he was about to right now. In freaking daylight.

“You okay, DC?” Chris asks, his voice dripping with concern.

Darren nods tentatively but keeps his mouth shut.

“I’m sorry. Touchy subject?” Chris asks. Darren looks at him for a second before shaking his head lightly.

“Just tired,” he replies.

          Darren hears Chris exhale. “Alright, that’s it. You have to have a break or something. Like a vacation. I think you need it.”

          Darren moans at the sound of the word ‘vacation’. “I do. God, I do need a break.” He sighs in defeat as other things crowd his mind. “But I can’t. I have this stupid deadline to catch up. And besides, I’m sure as hell Alan’s not going to agree.”

          “Yeah? Well he has to.” Darren watches Chris pick his bag up from the carpeted floor and fishes something inside. He observes as Chris brings out a ticket and places it on the table. Darren gives Chris a quizzical look before he leans in to look.

          His brows shoot up. “Plane ticket? Going where?”

          Chris nods with a smug look evident on his face. “Philippines. Next weekend. Now I suggest you put your shit together because you have no choice. That’s pretty fucking expensive and I won’t take no for an answer. You know me, Darren Everett. I won’t.”

          Darren’s eyes shifts from Chris then to the tickets and then to Chris again. “And you’re giving it to me because?”

          “Because I’m a good friend and that’s what good friends do.”

          Darren gives Chris a look, the one that tells, _I’m not buying that shit._

          Chris rolls his eyes and sighs in defeat. “Fine, I need a favor.”

          Darren’s brows shoot up. “Knew it. I knew there’s a catch.”

          “It’s not really big,” Chris prompts, almost whining. “I’m helping a friend. He’s getting married in the Philippines, thus the plane ticket. His fiancé is kind of a big fan of yours, so when he learned that I know you, he kind of requested for you to sing on their wedding reception as a gift for her.”

          “Hold up,” Darren says, raising his hand to stop Chris from continuing. He processes what Chris just said. Two words stick to his mind. “Wedding? Sing?”

          Chris nods. “Yes. You know, exchanging of vows and all. Gowns. Flowers. Maybe booze, I’m not sure. There will be a reception, and you’ll sing whatever you want to sing on the couple’s dance,” Chris rumbles.

          “Chris,” Darren says, looking at Chris intently. “Did you hear what I just said a while back? I got loads in my plate, man. I don’t have room for more.”

          Chris nods. “Yeah, I’ve realized that. Yes, I was listening.” He pauses and Darren watches as Chris brings his hands together as if he is about to pray or something.

          “Oh, God. Ryan really did a good job rubbing off you.”

          “Shut up, Darren,” Chris remarks and rolls his eyes. “Anyway, I’m glad I’ve come prepared.”

“What?”

“I figured that the time you came in the shop looking as if Satan sucked the life out of you that you’re tired and stressed like death.”

Darren’s eyebrows furrows. “What the fuck, man? I looked like what?”

“Seriously, Darren,” Chris says with a roll of his eyes. “Have you checked the mirror lately? I do love your curls, DC, I do, but since when did you have a haircut? It’s freaking everywhere, Dare. It seriously looks like a very bad fro. And the beard. Oh, God. Don’t let me get started on the beard, Darren.” Chris sighs dramatically.

“I’m sensing Kurt Hummel moment there, Chris.”

“No. That was from Chris Sherrod. I don’t know what Kurt Hummel would say to you if he sees you.”

Darren cringes. “That bad?”

Chris nods sympathetically. “Even just looking at you is pretty tiring already, DC.”

Darren frowns. “Go ahead. Lower my self-esteem more,” he says deadpan. “Spare no insult.”

“As much as I would love to, I have a meeting to catch in like –” Chris checks his wristwatch, - “thirty minutes.”

“What? That’s fucked up, man. I thought we’re going to hang out.”

Chris ignores him. “I have a proposition. Let’s have a deal.”

          When Darren looks like he wouldn’t say anything, Chris continues. “So, wedding, right? All you gotta do is pack up your clothes, max a week, and you just have to jump on the plane. We’ll meet you in the airport there because Will accidentally booked us a flight three hours earlier than yours, and then we’re going to the reception together. See? Everything’s planned. No hassle at all.”

          “What’s in it for me?”

          “Did I mention it’s a beach wedding? Yep. It’s a beach wedding, DC. It would be so nice and peaceful because it’ll be away from the city at all. You’ll sure get some ideas there for the lyrics. And if you’re still hard-upped, I will try to help you.”

          “You,” Darren says, his voice even. “You’re gonna help me with the song?”

          “Yes, and I won’t even take credits. Just . . . please, Dare? Let’s do it. It’s the beach, Darren. No one turns down the ocean. You’re no hypocrite, Darren Everett.”

          “You’re bribing me, Christopher Paul.”

          “I’m desperate.”

          “You’re not.”

          “I am! Liam’s a dear friend and it will be the best wedding gift ever,” Chris says, too exasperatedly. “Come on, DC.”

          Darren sighs. “How about Alan? He’d be difficult to convince. We’ve got deadlines to meet.”

          A smug reappears on Chris’ face. “Oh. That’s no problem.”

          Darren eyes him skeptically. “Okay. Haven’t you met Alan, Christopher? I’m pretty sure you did, but you don’t sound like you do. Alan’s like, the buzzkill of the century.”

          “Oh, hush. I have my ways.”

          “Like what?”

          Chris shrugs nonchalantly. “Bit bribery did it.”

          “Tell me,” Darren insists.

          “Eh. It’s mostly coincidental,” Chris says, folding his legs together and starts picking on his nails.

Darren frowns at him. “Chris. Tell me.”

Chris brings his hand to his lips (again) and acts as if he is mulling over something. “Let’s just say his daughter was driving him crazy about my new book so I sent her the whole package.”

Darren shakes his head in amazement. “How so very generous of you,” he coos.

“Why, thank you,” Chris says, ignoring the sarcasm on Darren’s tone. “Oh, wait. And speaking of books, I got you this.” Chris fishes something on his bag again.

“I knew you’ll give me a limited edition,” Darren says, grinning widely. Chris rolls his eyes as he holds up the book.

“I told you to buy it. It’s cheap.”

“And this isn’t?” Darren says, holding it up and raising an eyebrow at Chris.

“Nope. That, my good old friend, is a limited edition precious. It’s not even out of the market yet. It’s one of my favorites. Savour my generosity, Darren.”

“I feel real special,” Darren says sardonically.

“I’ll have none of that,” Chris says, waving a dismissive gesture with his hands. “It’s really good, I’m telling you. It’s my friend’s work, and it’s actually based on real life.”

“Never thought you’re into that shit. So why give it to me?”

“I’m into everything regarding books, Darren. That’s what writers do. Don’t question my sudden bigheartedness, mister,” Chris says and looks at Darren pointedly. Chris glances at his watch. “Anyway, I gotta run. Franco’s is like ten minutes away from here. I don’t want to be late.”

Darren watches with big eyes as Chris stands from his seat. “What? You’re serious?”

Chris picks his bag and raises an eyebrow at Darren. “You think I wasn’t? I’m a busy person, Criss.”

“So am I, but it’s Sunday, and you called me to hang out,” Darren says, stressing the word ‘you’.

“We just did.”

“No. You just bribed me,” Darren points. Chris ignores that. He crosses his arms and sighs, a smile tugging on his lips.

“I knew it. You missed me.”

“Of course I missed you,” Darren says, sarcasm dripping in his voice.

“I’ll have none of that, boy,” Chris retorts.

“Dude, I’m like, four years older than you.”

“Three and a half,” Chris corrects. “See you in Philippines, DC.” He starts walking out of the shop.

          “I didn’t even agree yet,” Darren shouts.

          “That’s not an option,” Chris shouts back.

          Darren leans back on his seat and sighs. He smiles and at the same time rolls his eyes, thinking how even if years passed, Chris still never changed.

          Darren tries to relax himself for a bit. He inhales through his nose, and it is then that he notices the savouring smell that envelopes the whole house. That makes his stomach churn, and that was when he realized he hasn’t eaten anything since last night. Darren stands from his seat, went down to the counter and asks for a refill and now with two scones included.

          He brings it all back to his seat. He is just starting on mixing his coffee, trying so hard not to think about anything else, when he finally notices his phone lighting on the table, signalling a text message. The number is not registered on his contact list, but the text caught his attention.

          **Get up.**

_Why?_

**The floor is lava.**

          Darren almost dropped his phone on the table.

          Holy fuck. It can’t be. Darren fidgets from his seat, staring at his phone screen. Finally, he gets the urge to type a message.

          _Is this who I think this is?_

          **Depends.**

          Darren only knows one person who could answer as laconic as possible. Most of the time, other people with short answers bore him.

          “Okay. Calm down. Play it casually. Fucking casual,” he mumbles to himself.

          _So is this real? Andy Claveria finally got a phone?_

          The reply is almost instant.

          **I had phone. I was just not using it around you.**

          Darren takes his phone down on the table for a second and unconsciously brings his hand on his mouth.

          “Holy crap,” he sighs. Finally, he picks his phone up again and hastily types a new message.

          _But you said you didn’t have a phone._

          **Was that what I said? Apologies, then.**

          _One apology is enough._

          **Good.**

          **Lyrics, Criss. Just reminding you**

          “Goddamn it,” Darren sighs, seeing Alan’s new text right after he received hers. He rubs both his eyes and sighs in frustration.

          _I have to go. I have an errand to run._

          Darren was having a mind battle to send it. The occurrence is too good to be true. He doesn’t want to stop texting, but he’ll be damned if he wouldn’t get back to work.

          **Text me while you run it.**

          Darren couldn’t help but to release the smile that was playing on his lips.

          _It needs great focus. I’m sorry._

          Darren actually feels really upset. He could totally set his work aside for a while and keeps texting, but he knows how it will end up. This day will end without any contribution for his song, and Darren hates when that happens.

          The reply this time took longer than others. Darren sighs in frustration.

          _I’ll text you later._

          He knows he isn’t obligated to say it, but he still sent it. It doesn’t even feel like an obligation. It is a promise.

          **Alright.**

          Darren sighs and starts finishing his scones. After a minute, his phone vibrates again.

          **One more thing though.**

          _Yes?_

          **I like your glasses.**

**I didn’t know you’re into hipster shit.**

          Darren grins. He recognizes that line all too well.

          _Thanks._

_And it’s not hipster. It’s prescription._

And then, as he finishes the last bite of his scone, something clicked on Darren’s stupid clouded mind.

          He feels his heart stops.

_Wait. What._

          **Turn around, idiot.**


	13. All I Want

**August 14, 2016, 6.54PM**

Andy was pleased. Keyword: was.

She has her favorite worn, faded blanket draped messily over her legs while she is sitting in her settee which is nestled into a small nook near her apartment’s bay window. She was having her peaceful Sunday afternoon, the kind where no one would bother you because the weekend’s almost over and everybody’s busy enjoying their short-lived freedom while it lasts.

Of course, that peace didn’t last long.

She is at the fourth paragraph of the seventeenth chapter of the book she is currently reading when she hears her phone vibrating on the side table, ruining the almost perfect relaxing ambiance of the whole house.

          “We’re nearing your place. Max five minutes. Be sure you’re ready,” is the greeting of the caller. Andy doesn’t need to look at the screen to know who it is.

          She sighs loud. “Okay. Why?”

“What? What why?” Erica’s voice seems so far from her phone.

          “Why should I be ready?”

          Andy hears whispering in the background.

          “Hello?” she says.

          There are more angry whispers, and then, “You didn’t receive Vince’s text?”

          Andy’s eyebrows scrunch. “What text? What’s going on?”

          “You didn’t even send it, did you?” Erica’s tone is accusing.

          “What? What didn’t I send?” she asks.

          “I’m not talking to you,” Erica points out. Andy frowns at her phone before bringing it back to her ear.

          “You didn’t ask me to send anything! Ask Rose.” It isn’t Erica’s voice. The voice belongs to Vince, Erica’s best friend _part time_ boyfriend.

          Now Andy is confused. “Send me what? Erica?”

          Andy taps with her foot, waiting for anything. All she could hear are banters and shouts.

          Suddenly, the doorbell rings.

          Andy groans. She doesn’t want to stand up at all. She thinks that maybe if she wouldn’t entertain it, whoever it is will just flee. But the doorbell rings again and Andy swears. She’s about to stand up and respond to her unwanted visitor. “Okay, wait. Hold up. Someone’s at the-oh.”

          Four people glaring at each other starts marching in the living room. Andy cut the call and stares at her friends.

          “You have got to be kidding me,” Erica says, throwing her hands up in the air in frustration as she take in what’s in front of her. It was Andy being glued in her little safe haven and apparently is still in her house clothes.

“What is going on?” Andy demands, eyeing each of them. Her eyes lands on Ellie. “Holy shit. What happened?”

          “Don’t ask,” Ellie grumbles as Erica, Vince and Rose invites themselves to flop onto the couch next to Andy’s futon. Ellie though, heads straight to the kitchen.

          “She sucked the Starbucks Frappuccino bottle and the blood stuck around her mouth with a perfect ‘o’ shape,” Rose says deadpan.

          “She did not,” Andy says and gapes.

          “Of course she did. That’s what she does,” Vince deadpans.

          “Fuck you, David,” Ellie says, her voice ringing from the kitchen.

          “Sorry, sorry,” he apologizes.

          “This is why I hate going to your apartment, Claveria. I sense no food,” Ellie shouts.

          “Check if maybe there’s a Frappuccino,” Vince cries, and Erica gives him a look and smacks him in the shoulder.

          “For the second time, fuck you David,” Ellie says.

          “Rule number one: don’t mess with Daniellie when she’s hungry,” Erica whispers.

          “But she’s always hungry!” Vince whines, holding his throbbing shoulder.

          “Then don’t mess with her!” Erica spits.

          “Fine,” Vince says and pouts. “I swear you love your best friend more than me.”

          “Of course she does,” Ellie says, waltzing back inside the living room now with Pringles in her hand. She flops down between Rose and Vince, squeezing half of Vince’s body in the process. He groans and moves closer to Erica.

          Andy stares at the four people in front of her as they mind their own businesses. Rose takes out her phone and does whatever she does with it. Erica grabs the magazine from the table and starts flipping through it. Vince leans back on the headrest with eyes closed. Ellie’s pretty busy with the Pringles that she is consuming.

          Andy clears her throat, catching all of their attention before proceeding to what they are doing. Andy rolls her eyes and crosses her arms.

          “Care to explain why you’re all here and you’re dressed like that?”

          Andy have seen her friends dress weirdly, but this one is new. They all look like they literally came out of a hippie magazine. Andy couldn’t even begin how to describe what they are wearing except that there are too many colors and patterns and . . . is that a sunflower tattoo?

          Even before Andy could ask, Rose speaks. “Yes. It’s a sunflower tattoo. It’s not legit though.”

          Erica raises one eyebrow at Andy, and then her eyes shifts to her seatmates before turning to her again. “This is our Despedida outfits.”

          “Is that even a thing? And isn’t the flight in like, three more days?”

          “Of course it is!” Erica looks scandalized. “Are you kidding me?”

          “And you’re dress like vagrants because?”

          “It’s the new trend, grandma,” Ellie slurs.

          “And it’s the last night we’re going out before we go back to the Phils,” Rose adds.

          “Okay. Why are you all here then?”

          “Picking you up,” Ellie answers. “And just to hang out a bit. I don’t want to walk in on a not full house club. It’s lesser the fun.”

“You smell like booze because?”

Ellie rolls her eyes. “It’s no fun going to a club sober,” she explains impatiently.

Andy cringes. “I’m not going,” she decides.

“I told you we shouldn’t have bothered,” Vince grumbles.

“Why not?” Erica demands, ignoring Vince.

“You all look not in the position to drive,” Andy explains. “And I don’t have those kinds of clothing.”

“Of course you do,” Erica says.

Andy shakes her head. “Nope. I don’t. Besides, I’ve got some stuff to do.”

Ellie rolls her eyes. “Don’t give me that bull. You just finished your book.”

“But that doesn’t mean-”

“Don’t start your silly arguments with us, young lady.”

Andy stares at Ellie as if she’d just lost her head.

“Oh come on,” Erica says and sighs. “It’s Sunday. Rest day. Give your mind a break. Everybody’s out there, having fun. But you, look at you! You’re here, glued on that stupid chair since we got here. Dibs since this morning.”

          “It’s not stupid. It’s comfy,” Andy defends.

          Rose groans in frustration. “Whatever. Come on. Let’s go. Just change into your hobo clothes. Come.”

          “Besides, it’s our last night here together,” Ellie adds.

Andy shakes her head determinedly. “Can’t. I have to finish this book, and I’m actually reaching my deadline for the-”

          “Bull,” Ellie interjects and rolls her eyes. “You already finished that book bazillion times. And you’re not reaching any deadline. You just finished your book.”

          “It wasn’t polished yet.”

          “Of course it is!” Ellie says and sighs exasperatedly. “Come on, girl. Loosen up! All you’ve been doing is reading and writing and reading and writing. Like, are you even real? It’s so not normal.”

          “Oh, so now I’m not normal because I want to spend my Sunday in the house?”

          “Yes, you’re abnormal. You’re like, the only one inside the house at this time. Come on, Andy. You’re better than that.”

          “Better than what?”

          “You’re no hypocrite, Claveria. Did we mention? We have a V-fucking-IP tickets in The Red Shots! The Red Shots, the coolest club here in LA?  Don’t tell me you’re gonna spend it here in this boring apartment? Come on.” Ellie’s eyes are wide as she rumbles.

          Before Andy could speak, Ellie continues. “And you haven’t heard the best part. We’re bringing nerf guns. Nerf guns! It will be the best party ever!”

          “I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to bring that inside the club.”

          “Of course it’s allowed. Nerf guns are harmless,” Rose reasons pathetically.

          Andy raises her brow for a second and eyes her friends before sighing. “If you say so,” she says. She knows better than to argue with her drunken friends. “Be sure to have driver on duty. I don’t want the wedding to be cancelled because the bride’s idiotic friends are involved in a drunken car accident.”

          “Wait! You’re really serious? You won’t go out tonight?” Erica says, her nose scrunching up.

          “I have better things to do.”

          “You’re such a grandma!” Ellie boos.

          “Compliment,” Andy states.

          Vince is shaking his head in frustration. “You’re no fun, Claveria.”

          “And you’re drunk and wet and stinky.”

          “Did I mention you’re a buzzkill? Yep. You are. You’re a buzzkill. You’re ruining the mood for everybody, Andy. You’re no fun.”

          Andy purses her lips and stares at her friend. She knows Ellie doesn’t mean anything she says at the moment. She’s drunk. She’s slurring in every word she says. But what she just stated makes Andy agitated.

          “Yeah, you know what? I’m gonna go.” Andy stands, grabbing her shoulder bag and slipping the book inside. She walks toward her room and grabs her pants that were hanging behind the door.

          “Yay! Let’s go!”

          Andy shakes her head as she emerges back to the living room. She picks her jacket up on the couch. “No. Somewhere else. I can’t go with you guys because I already have plans tonight. I’m . . .  I’m meeting somebody.” Crap.

          The house is silent for seconds.

“What? Really?”

          Andy crosses her arms across her chest. “Why do you seem so surprised?”

          “Well, there isn’t somebody in like, ever,” Vince says slowly.

          Andy rolls her eyes. “There’s always a first time. See you later, tomorrow. Whatever. Lock the house when you leave. Don’t puke on my carpet. And you stink, Ellie.”

          And she is out.

~

**7.52PM**

Andy knows she could have avoided him.

After walking for a few minutes, Andy settled on going to Cleo’s. It’s this small coffee house nearest to her place, and Andy likes it there. The workers are kind, and they also serve the best coffees – well, better than what her coffee maker provides.

She didn’t notice them when she entered. After getting her coffee in the counter, she spared no glances to anybody and made her way at the back of the coffee house which is also considered her usual place.

It was after she finished her current chapter that Andy decides to take a break for a minute. She brings the book down and holds her coffee up to her mouth as she finally roams her eyes around the coffee house. There are only few customers, and mostly all of them sit on the booths. She notices a few familiar faces from her neighborhood, but Andy doesn’t make any effort to catch their attention.

And then her eyes settled on the perfectly coiffed brown hair and realizes it is familiar.

Her eyes shifts on the mop of curly hair across the coiffed brown haired man and realizes it is _too_ familiar.

Andy watches them. She watches how they interact with each other. She watches how Chris smiles and how he looks comfortable around him. She watches as they basically look like enjoying themselves, all polite smiles and expressive hand motions when they talked. She watches Chris arrange his things, stands from his seat, and walks out of the door.

Andy watches how Darren leans further on his seat. She watches him as he stands from his seat and goes up to the counter. She finds herself smiling toothily as she watches Darren go back to his seat with his tongue out a bit and his eyebrows furrows in concentration while he balances his coffee cup and two scones on his hands.

She knows she could have avoided him. She could have just watched him from afar, never said a word. She could have continued to watch him, let the ache come alive at the sight of him, wind its way up until it burned hot at the back of her neck.

She could have stayed silent.

But she doesn’t.

She pulls out her phone and dials the all too familiar number which also belongs to one of her speed dials.

“And to what do I owe the pleasure of this call?”

Andy smiles, peeping through the glass window of the shop and sees Chris walking across the parking lot with his phone sandwiched between his shoulder and ear.

“I never thought gray suits you, Sherrod,” she teases lightly. Expectantly, Chris gets a hold of his phone and whips his head around.

“Where are you?” he says, slightly chuckling.

“Hey you,” she says and waves her hand a bit when Chris’ eyes lands on her.

“I didn’t see you,” he says.

“You seem in a hurry.”

“I actually am.”

“Get in the car, Sherrod,” she commands softly. She knows Chris is having a mind battle if he would go back inside the shop or get in his car. She hears Chris sigh through the phone. She watches him walk ahead to his car and gets in it.

“Good boy,” she teases. Chris chuckles.

“So what’s up?” he says. Andy could hear the engine roaring alive.

“Yeah, I’ll cut this short. The man with you here,” she says, trailing off.

“Darren? You know him?”

“Yeah, I think I do.”

“Okay. What about him?” Chris’ car has gone off the parking lot.

“You have his number or something?”

Chris is silent for seconds. “Of course,” he says. “I’ll send it to you,” he adds after a few moments.

“Yes, thank you, Sherrod,” Andy says and waits for Chris to cut the call off.

“Hey, easy, tiger,” Chris teases before hanging up. Andy releases a chuckle. Trust Chris to think Andy will involve herself to who he thinks is a stranger to her. A few seconds later, her phone lights up with a number and a message.

**Get him busy, yeah?**

Andy laughs.

_I will do no such thing, Christopher._

Andy saves the number before typing a message.

Oh, this is going to be good.


	14. Poison & Wine

**August 14, 2016, 8.04PM**

Darren is frozen.

He doesn’t turn around. He is literally seconds away from full-on freaking out. And Darren Criss doesn’t freak out. He doesn’t.

Reading and rereading the texts pushes him, though. He has been too caught up on texting that he never really analyse what the hell is happening. He still couldn’t register on his brain that this is not just a casual texting with a friend. This texting may never even happen. This texting is with the girl who turns Darren Criss’ world upside down two freaking years ago.

This doesn’t happen in the fucked up world of Darren Criss. There is no freaking way. It is too good to be true. And it’s most likely not to happen. There are lots of thoughts running on his mind, and on his top list is the question on where in the world did this woman get his number? 

          “No shit,” he mutters. “Fuck.”

          **You’re not going to turn around?**

          Darren wants to look. He has to look. But he can’t make himself do it. He just stares at his phone like an idiot that he is, wondering if he’s just making this all up in his mind. He has great imaginations, and sometimes it’s too much.

          He blinks once. Twice. The texts really did happen.

          Suddenly, he senses someone standing behind him. Darren doesn’t show any reactions that he feel it. He is literally stationary in his place. He knows it was her. He could sense it. Darren knows it is fucking creepy, but it is true. He could sense Andy in near radius.

He wants to grab her and pull her close, but he couldn’t.

          He feels not ready.

          Besides, he doesn’t exactly know how to act around her. It has been two years, _damn it_. It seems a long time ago. Darren knows she is not _just_ a friend to him. Not exactly.

          “Should Darren turn around or not?” Andy says, and Darren feels cold air brushing on his neck. He can also hear the sound of silent gurgling of water. “Abso-fucking-lutely.” He hears her chuckle, and _goddamn it_ if Darren doesn’t nearly lost his sanity. “Whoa. Too much enthusiasm there, buddy.”

          Darren forces himself to relax. He closes his eyes and suddenly, he smiles. All of a sudden, he feels warmer. But the good kind of warm. He realizes it is because of how his lips stretch on his face. He is full-on smiling. It is the kind of smile that he rarely produces nowadays. It is the smile that shows he’s beyond fucking happy.

          When he opens his eyes, his breath hitches, because suddenly Andy’s _there_ , in all her glory, in front of Darren. There is a small smile playing on her lips, and Darren doesn’t – _couldn’t_ take his eyes off of it even if Andy already makes a move. She plops down on the chair opposite to his where Chris sat a couple of minutes ago.

          Darren draws his breath, and he can feel how inch after inch of his face reddens. It is as if the moment is frozen in time, and Darren finds himself taking a mental snapshot of how Andy looks right now.

He is feeling a bit awkward and rude just staring, so he turns his gaze somewhere else. His eyes then trains on the ball in her hand, to which she sets on the table.

          He decides to play it off.

          Darren leans in and grabs the ball and starts shaking it.

          “Is Andy stalking me?”

          “Stalking is different from observing,” Andy states, clearly amused.

          Darren ignores her. “ _Reply hazy. Try again later_.” He looks at Andy and playfully glares at her. “You jinxed it.”

          “I didn’t know I could do that,” she says, feigning shock.

          _Casual, casual. Keep it casual. Fucking casual._

“You’re here,” Darren breathes, and he knows he was full on gawking, but he couldn’t help himself. Andy is here. She is here, in front of him. In blood and flesh.

Andy grins small. “Yeah, well, it seems I’m everywhere.”

          “Wh-” Darren stops. He exhales deep. His mouth opens once again but no words come out. Andy tilts her head slightly and waits for him to say something.

          Darren puckers his lips.

          “You could blink, you know. I’m not going anywhere,” Andy says. Darren obeys, and he realizes how his eyes stings from not blinking.

“Why are you here?”

Darren doesn’t mean to sound rude, but he might as well think he did. Thankfully, Andy doesn’t seem to mind it.

“It’s nice to see you too, Darren,” Andy says with a bit of eyes rolling.

          Andy is beautiful.

          She still looks the same –bright hazel eyes, amazing smile, just plain gorgeous – but she looks livelier than before. She basically looks happy, lit up. It’s like she just found out she won the lottery.

          At the back of his head, Darren hopes a _little bit_ it’s because of him.

          “I could say the same,” Darren says, giving Andy an affectionate smile.

          “Beard’s back, I see,” she notices, teasing lightly.

          Darren shakes his head in astonishment. “I cannot believe this.”

          “Who would’ve thought,” Andy mumbles, still looking at Darren. 

          “You remembered me,” he says, his voice low and soft.

          Andy opens her mouth slightly, but nothing came out. Her eyes studies Darren’s face for a brief moment before it softens.

          “Of course I do. You think I don’t?” she says quietly.

          Darren shrugs. “It’s been years.”

“Just two.”

“It was a long time.”

Andy is silent for a second. “I saw you,” she speaks. “Probably six months ago. You were sitting at the back corner of this pub. I would’ve approached you, but your friend raced me to it.” Andy pauses as she sees confusion in Darren’s face. “Deidre’s? Your friend was tall. Slim. A bit lanky.”

“Joey,” Darren mumbles, taking his gaze off Andy’s face for a moment.

“Hmm,” Andy mumbles and nods.

Darren regards back on Andy. “If I was alone, would you have approached me?”

Andy shrugs. “Maybe.”

“You should,” Darren says.

“I didn’t think you would remember me,” Andy mumbles quietly.

Darren will respond. He will. But he draws it back before any sound comes out. “I never saw you anywhere,” he says instead, and he couldn’t help but to notice there was bitterness in his tone.

_You were just gone like dust blown by the wind. One minute, you were in my arms. The next you were gone._

“I’m just . . . everywhere,” she says.

“Obviously not near me,” Darren prods, and he is clearly taken aback on how he sounded. _Where are these coming from?_ He doesn’t have any clue.

The awkward silence starts to stretch then. Darren is usually pretty good at covering silences of all sorts – he’s had years and years of dealing with social situations, groomed from the time he was a little kid to charm his way into or out of any conversation. But he’s distracted now because he is busy processing in his brains his very unusual behaviour.

“Yeah,” Andy mumbles, taking her eyes off Darren’s face and stares at the now seemingly interesting half-eaten scones on the table. There is silence for a few seconds and Darren hates it. There are lots of questions running through his mind, and he wants answers, but now that he has the moment, it doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Everything seems solved. Just looking at Andy seems to unravel everything.

“So, are you still . . . wandering around?” he asks tentatively.

Andy chuckles. “Have I found myself, you mean?”

Darren gulps. He nods.

She sighs. “I really don’t know if I have, but I stopped searching a long time ago. I just learned to deal with it, you know?” She eyes him. “How about you?”

_No, I haven’t. I haven’t found myself, and I don’t think I ever will. I’m so fucked up, and I am still learning to deal with it. Although I think I never will. Everything seems right, but at the same time, everything just isn’t._

“Same,” is what he replies.

_Something’s missing._

“Are you okay?”

Darren feels his surroundings spinning.

_Am I okay? No, no I’m not. I haven’t been for the past two years. Exactly since you left. Seeing you made me realize it. But I won’t tell you that. I can’t look more pathetic than I already am._

“Yes.”

She doesn’t keep her eyes off Darren. When she does, she looks down and plays on the hem of her shirt. Darren only stares at her as she does that.

“You look happy,” Darren says out loud.

“I remember someone saying happy suits me,” she says, and Darren notices her cheeks coloring a little bit.

“Whoever that was, he’s right,” he mumbles.

Andy nods but doesn’t speak. Silence envelopes them once again, but it isn’t in the least uncomfortable – not to Darren. It’s actually quite soothing.

A small smile appears on her lips. “Can you keep a secret?” she speaks, shaking her head lightly as if she couldn’t believe what she’s about to say. “I always knew we met at the wrong time.” She pauses. “That’s what I keep telling myself anyway.”

She finally trains her eyes on Darren. “But then, I hoped. I am a hopeful person, I think. I hoped that maybe one day, a few years later, we’ll meet again, when we’re different people with clear future ahead of us. Not when we’re both lost in our own world, unaware and just plain gullible.”

Andy pauses. She doesn’t look at Darren’s eyes again.

“You wanna hear something crazy?” she speaks again, a small shy smile playing on her lips. She doesn’t wait for Darren’s response, not that Darren’s going to. He knows it is a rhetorical question. “I hoped it’s going to be in a coffee shop in a faraway city somewhere.”  She pauses. “I hoped that we could give it another shot. Maybe then we’ll be better-”

She stops, and Darren’s breathe hitches.

“For what?” He couldn’t help himself.

_For each other?_

Darren stares at the beautiful creature in front of him.

He is about to say something when a group of women stopped in front of their table. All of a sudden, all he can see are cd albums and notebooks being handed to him. Darren sighs low and fashions that Darren Criss smile which he knows everyone adores. He patiently signs all the things that are being handed to him and naturally offers small greetings to each of them.

When everyone finally clears off, the chair across his is empty.

Darren stands and looks around, but there is no sign of Andy. It is as if she wasn’t there at all.

All that’s left was the black ball on his hands, in which he doesn’t even realize until then that he was still grasping. He places it on the table and sighs loudly. He rubs his eyes with the palm of his hands, feeling suddenly emptier than ever.

He eyes the ball on the table for a second before grabbing it. He sighs one more time.

“Am I going to see her again?”

Darren is hopeful. He always is.

A smile reappears on his face when he sees the answer.

_Without a doubt_

~

**August 16, 2016, 2.54AM**

Darren couldn’t sleep.

          His whole day is surreal. All he wants is to celebrate. It was a very long day, and his mind is still hyped with all the booze that he took after he finally provided some of the lyrics he thinks fitted perfectly for his song. It is halfway done, and Darren is ecstatic. He wants to drown himself in alcohol, but then he realized it was too dangerous, so he just turned to his other option that still makes him happy: sleep.

He couldn’t, though. And he fucking hates it.

          Darren doesn’t bother to lie back down. He is finally sober, but he is still tired, and however weary he is, he already figured that it was a zero sleep night. Yet again.

          Darren sighs and rubs his eyes. He slowly gets out of the bed and picks the nearest sweater. He grabs his phone on the nightstand, and before he knows it, he is fishing the book Chris gave to him. The door creaks as he opens it, and it makes the same sound when he pulls it as he gets out.

          The wind was blowing so rapid when Darren comes out of the building. He fishes the keys on his back pocket only to realize he didn’t bring it. He mentally curses himself. Darren doesn’t want to go back to his flat, so he decides to walk.

          He doesn’t know where he’s headed. He moves in the apartment for a few months already, but he doesn’t bother familiarizing himself with his new neighbourhood. He is pretty hooked up with making his music inside the house or in the studio; so basically, he is quite a stranger to the place.

The whole street is quiet and peaceful. Darren has dibs that he is the only one awake. All of the lamp posts were light up, and the moon is very bright, so it isn’t dark.

          After minutes of walking, Darren stops as his eyes catch something on his left. He cranes his neck more and it dawns to him that it is a swing he is staring at. He walks nearer for a better view and realizes it is a public playground. Darren thinks there is no harm in it, so he walks towards it.

It is old. The swings are all rusted. Darren sits on one of it and starts moving it slowly. He leans on the rusty metal handle and closes his eyes for a minute before finally giving attention to what is on his hands.

For the first time since Chris hands it to him that Darren fully inspects the book. Chris mentions something about it being a true story, and frankly, Darren isn’t a fan of those kinds of books. He’s mostly giving attention to books like Harry Potter. God, he loves that book.

Darren is pretty surprised when he finds nothing printed on the cover, but then he remembered Chris saying it wasn’t even in the market yet, so he doesn’t question it anymore. He flips the first few pages and lands to the acknowledgement.

_The moment I laid my eyes on the boy on the bus, I knew he was worth writing for._

_He had beautiful eyes. The kind you could get lost in. And I guess I did._

_He told me he was going to make me fall in love with him, but I knew then that that wasn’t possible._

_I already was._

_I still am._

Darren feels his eyes bulge. “Oh my God. Oh God. No, shit. No,” Darren whispers to himself. “No fucking way.”

          Darren reads it again. And again. And again. And again. Until he already memorized the whole sentences. Until it finally registers in his fucked up brain what he just read.

          Without realizing it, he is already dialling Chris’ number.

          “Answer, answer, please,” Darren chants, his eyes still glued on the book. Finally, Chris did.

          “There has to be a fucking good reason why you’re calling me at this ungodly hour, Criss.”

          “Chris, Chris,” Darren rambles. “Chris.”

          “Darren?” Suddenly, Chris lost his annoyed voice and is replaced with concern. “Darren, are you okay?”

          “Chris.”

          “Darren.”

“Chris!”

“What the fuck, Darren. Say something besides my name! I’m getting worried!”

          “The book,” he says. “Who wrote it?”

          “Wha - what book?” Darren could sense Chris starting to doze off again.

          “The book you gave me at Cleo’s. Who wrote it, Christopher?”

          “Hmm.”

          “Christopher Paul Sherrod, don’t you dare sleep on me!”

          “Wha – what?”

          “Who wrote the fucking book, Chris! Give me a name!”

          Chris slurred, but Darren understands, and by that time, his heart is already beating abnormally fast.

          “Where does she live?”

          “What?”

          “Wake up, Chris! What’s her address? Tell me!”

          “Damn it, Darren,” Chris mumbles. “How do you know I know where she lives?”

          “Because she’s your friend! You told me!”

          Chris is silent on the other line, and Darren is ready to shout at him again, even if he knows he’ll piss Chris more.

          “Why do you want to know, Darren?”

          “I . . . I need to know, Chris. I . . . I know her.”

          “Are you going to ambush her in her house if I’ll give it to you now?”

          “Chris,” Darren whines.

          “Answer me.” Chris’ tone is firm and dead serious.

          “Of course not!” Darren exclaims with a tone that they both know he only uses when he’s lying. He groans loud. “I don’t know, okay? But I need to know.”

          Silence, and then - “She’s going to kill me.” Darren almost shouts in glee. It is silent again for a few seconds and then his phone vibrates.

          “I already sent you. Darren,” Chris says, his voice more serious than ever. “I trust you to not make something stupid.”

          “Of course, of course! Chris, thank you so much.”

          “Darren.” Chris sounds cautionary.

          “Chris, I’m not going to rob her,” Darren assures.

          “Ask me why I’m doubting.”

          Darren frowns. “Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?”

          “Good night, Darren. You owe me breakfast tomorrow.”

          And the line goes off.

          Darren doesn’t bother call back and clarify what Chris meant. He stares at the unfamiliar address on his phone, and he realizes he is grinning so wide for so long that his cheeks are already a bit sore. But he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care at all.

Darren stays a bit longer in the playground, but instead of sulking around because of being tired, Darren actually feels the exact opposite. He never felt livelier in years.

          Two years, to be exact.


	15. Sweet Disposition

**August 19, 2016, 8.45PM**

“I think it’s time.”

          Andy looks up from where she is sitting and finds Erica slumping down beside her with a big comforter embracing her. She stares at her friend as Erica trains her eyes over the fireplace in front of them.

          There is a knowing look in her best friend’s eyes, and Andy purses her lips, confused.

          “Time for what?”

          Erica looks down for seconds finally shaking her head lightly. “God, Arella. It’s been two years. Don’t you think it’s time to tell us what really happened?”

          Erica is giving her a knowing look, the kind of look that tells she knows, that it’s alright, and Andy thinks that maybe she’s correct. Maybe it’s time to tell.  

“It’s honesty hour, babe. Now or never,” Erica softly urges.

Andy wants to respond, but she doesn’t know what to respond. She knows there’s no escaping of this conversation. Frankly, she already anticipated this moment. Andy is anything but oblivious. She knows how her friends feel. Knowing her friends’ inquisitive minds, she’s amazed how they contained their curiosity for so long. Andy’s a bit surprised when it is Erica who finally has the guts to have the talk. Bluntly, she expects it to be Ellie, because if it’s still not obvious, Ellie’s the biggest blabbermouth of the group.

Erica sighs beside her.

“Fine. Since I insinuated this talk, I’ll start. And since we’re being completely honest here, I have to tell you this,” Erica says and pauses for a while as she fishes for the right words to blurt. “It’s been two and a half years since you pulled yourself away from us. Not just emotionally, but also physically.” Erica pauses and looks at her with soft eyes. “For six months, Andy, you completely shut out. It hurt us, but we understood, because that’s what friends do. You were grieving for your papa, and we let you. You had all the right.”

Suddenly, Erica’s voice changes, but she still tries to keep her tone soft, as if saying something wrong will break Andy literally. “But you running away from us without even a single note, no nothing. It was pretty unacceptable, Andy. One minute you’re there, the next, you were just gone. Just like that. We didn’t know anything. You were gone for two months. Did you know how we were so freaked out about it?” Erica’s eyes are literally shining, expressive. “And then suddenly, out of nowhere, you came back as if nothing happened, and we forgave you, Andy. It was all confusing and hard, but we did. And it’s been two years since that, and we’ve never heard anything of what happened to you on those months.”

Andy shakes her head slightly. “I don’t understand. Why are you telling me this?”

“Because we’re assuming,” Erica answers and smiles slightly. “We assumed that maybe you don’t talk about it is because you don’t think you’ll be understood. But the thing is, we’re not the one who left, Andy. We’re not the one who changed. We accept you for who you are, for whatever you choose to become. You changed, we accepted you. You do stupid things; we let you do it with us together. That’s because we’re your family, Andy. We’re related in anything but blood.”

Erica pauses and exhales.

“All of us wanted you to know that we care for you and we love you. We want you to know how we felt about everything that’s been happening to you. We’re your friends, A. Don’t you think we have even just a little bit of right to know?”

“Yes, you do. You have the right to know,” Andy agrees. Erica nods, watching Andy carefully.

“We’ve given you two years to find yourself, Andy. But I think it’s time that you let us in again.” Andy looks at her. “I’ve known you half of my life, and one thing’s prominent about you – well, after your papa’s death. You became so reclusive. Suddenly, you were not an open person anymore, but we accepted it, because that’s what you chose. You have this ridiculous permanent and personal barrier built up around you and no one could easily break down those walls.” She pauses. “But someone did.”

Andy tries to process what Erica said, and mostly all of what she’s saying are all true. She did build another world of her own, where it’s all new and obviously unwelcoming.

She looks at Erica and she finds her eyes twinkling and slightly teasing.

“Don’t give me that look. I’m your sister in everything but blood. I know if there’s someone or not,” Erica challenges.

“Psycho.”

“Shut it,” she says and rolls her eyes fondly.

“You’re right,” Andy says.

“Ha. Knew it,” Erica says, a smug look appearing on her face.

“You’re all assuming,” Andy states, and Erica frowns at her. Andy chuckles at her friend’s reaction. “But you might be correct.”

The smug look reappears on Erica’s face.

“Keep that expression and you’ll hear nothing,” Andy warns, and Erica immediately changes her facial expression.

“So, start from the beginning?” Erica says.

          Andy is silent for a minute. Beginning? Where does it really begin, anyway? Andy becomes slightly confused, but then she starts to think.

Finally, she nods.

          “Before anything, I want you to know that I intended to isolate myself, and I was sorry. I still am.”

          “We understand, and we forgive you,” Erica says, nodding for her to go on.

          “It was all just too much, you know?” Andy says after a couple of seconds. “It had been months since he died, but I still couldn’t get over it. I don’t think I ever will. Right after my graduation, I took half of my inheritance from my father and booked a flight. I didn’t really care about where. All I cared was to get away. So I did.”

          Just like that, it all comes out of Andy’s mouth. She starts telling Erica everything, down to roaming around the streets of San Francisco up to traveling outskirts of the city until she doesn’t know where she is. She describes the experience of her nearly two day trip by train away from San Francisco. She was hesitant at first, but then she realized there was really no time to catch, so she booked it anyway. She booked it even though at the end of the day, it was impulsive and just plain crazy. Because as she realized it, it was what the trip is all about. Impulsive and crazy.

          She had a roomette, and her name was Alison. She describes her as somewhat a lot like Ellie. She was her company for forty hours, and Andy never experienced learning so much about one person’s life in just a brief time until then.

          They separated with an empty promise that they will see each other soon.

          Andy proceeds to talk about her experiences of being a stranger in an unfamiliar place. She tells Erica that she loves the feeling of freedom. She loves the unfamiliarity of everything, and that she was not afraid of being lost.

          Andy tells about the places that she’d been but was never aware of the location. She says she didn’t have acquaintances much, because she uses her eyes more than her mouth. Andy learns that not everyone has free time for themselves. No one comes up to her. No one except him.

And then Andy starts talking about him.

          Andy doesn’t name him. Erica doesn’t question it. Andy mostly used pronoun when she talks about that experience, and she talks about him briefly. Andy feels she doesn’t really owe Erica or anyone any explanation about him.

Darren’s story is something for Andy to keep. He’s never meant to be shared to anyone. Darren is Andy’s story and hers alone.

          Andy proceeds to talk about Frank and Cecile who stood like second parents to her while she was away. She talks about their late children Nico and Karen. She says that she sympathized with their loss.

          Andy then talks about Justin. Somehow she finds herself in the familiar train railway on the morning when she left Darren, and she followed the path until she arrived at the train station. She waited for the train without knowing where it was headed, and after an hour or so, she was leaving Sierra County.

“He yanked me,” Andy says, smiling a little as she remembers their first encounter. “I was craning over the bridge to look at the river and suddenly he yanked me. He thought I was going to jump.”

Erica chuckles and waits for Andy to go on. “He’s a bigmouth. Everyone I met was apparently a bigmouth. And he’s from UK.”

“Oh my God. British guy?” Erica interjects, and Andy laughs. Erica and her fetish in British accented guys. “Tell me you kept contacts with him. Tell me.”

“Apparently not,” Andy says, and Erica’s face falls for a second. “I only understood half of what he was talking about. He talks so fast. But I caught something about him running away from his family and his country because they can’t accept the fact that he’s gay.”

Erica’s face shows genuinely surprised. Andy nods. “He says he’s been away since he was eighteen, and he was already twenty three when I met him. He’s been living with his boyfriend Jack and a few gay couples. That’s when I learned that I was back in San Francisco. Apparently all the people there don’t really care about gender. Justin loves it there.”

Andy continues to talk about her experiences there, and then continues to the next adventure, and then the next, and the next, until she finally has come to accept to herself that however she loves wandering around, she always has to come home. So she did.

“I always knew I have to go home,” Andy says. “I knew that whatever I was doing wasn’t permanent. However independent I think I am, I know I need to go back to you guys.”

The whole house is silent after Andy stops talking. She glances at Erica who Andy thinks already fell asleep, but to her surprise, Erica is looking at her. “So this nameless bus guy,” she starts.

          Andy tries to contain her smile but fails. “Yes?”

          “You’re leaving something out.”

          “I’m not.”

          “Give.”

          “There’s nothing more to it, really.”

          Erica raises one eyebrow and folds her arms, not willing to budge.

          Andy rolls her eyes and sighs exasperatedly. “What do you want to know?”

          “He’s really worth writing for?”

          Andy exhales and nods. “He is.”

          “He’s lucky, then.”

          “I think I’m the one who’s lucky, to be honest.”

          Erica is amazed how Andy smiles when they talk about him. “You are so whipped,” she teases.

          Andy groans. “Oh my God. Please don’t say that ever again. Ever,” she mumbles, hiding her already blushing face.

          “You’re so in love it’s so unreal,” Erica continues, chuckling a bit.

          “Love is a very strong word, Erica,” Andy says.

          “Precisely why I used it.”

          Andy smiles faintly and shakes her head. “I don’t know. There were just so many good memories that it’s too hard to let go,” she mumbles.

          “Obviously,” Erica states. “It’s been two years and you still smile like a sick love puppy when you talk about him,” Erica teases. “You even dedicated a book to this guy.”

          “I did,” Andy says. “But it’s all in the past now, E,” Andy says and sighs. “All it was is just a memory.”

          Erica observes her friend for a second. “Why did you let him go? He obviously makes you happy. So why?”

          Andy smiles and tilts her head slightly. “I was fucking scared. I still am.”

“Why?”

“Because,” Andy says and sighs. “Because he cracked my whole world open in such an alarmingly wonderful way that it made me wonder what would happen to me when that thing with him ends, because it has to – it just seemed too great to be real.”

          Andy feels her shoulder loosen as the truth finally comes out.

          “And so to spare your already broken heart from being crashed into pieces, you didn’t wait the underlying fear of whatever will ultimately break you apart. You-”

          “I ended it myself,” Andy says quietly.

          “Wasn’t he worth the risk?”

          Erica’s question tugs Andy’s heart in such a painful way that it literally makes her eyes water.

          “He is,” Andy whispers, and she’s quite surprised how she only realizes that fact now. “He’s worth it.”

          “You still love him,” Erica says softly Andy spares her a look. “It’s true. Don’t even try to deny it. You even wrote it in your book.”

          “It’s two years too late, Erica,” Andy says.

          “It’s never too late, Andy,” Erica insists.

          “But the thing is, it’s already really late.” Andy pauses. “I saw him again.”

          Erica’s eyes widen. “Holy – really? Oh my God. When? How? What happened?”

          “This week. Can you believe it? And it’s not even once,” she says. “The first time, he was alone. The second time, he was with his girlfriend.”

          Andy shrugs nonchalantly, but Erica knows better. She watches as Andy keeps a straight face as if it doesn’t affect her, as if she isn’t affected by anything. She knows Andy’s best at keeping a poker face, but at the moment, Erica could clearly see how her friend is struggling through the stupid façade.

Erica sighs and composes herself casually when she realizes she is staring at her friend with pity. Erica knows Andy hates that look.

“Well, fuck.”

Andy nods. Silence stretches then, and it isn’t uncomfortable.

Erica doesn’t want to explain. She doesn’t want to tell Andy what she knows to be true, knows in her bones. Andy will never be happy if she won’t be with this bus guy. Erica can see it all in that one moment. She sees the longing, the truth, the entirety of it all in that one fleeting look, the look Andy didn’t want her to see.

The look is never wrong.

That, and Andy fails in making her poker face. And Andy is pro at making poker face.

Instead of telling Andy what she knows, she simply says, “Maybe it’s fate.”

Andy turns back at her and raises her eyebrow. “Try coincidence.”

“No. It’s fate.”

“Erica, what the hell are you talking about? Did you hear what I just said this whole time?” Andy says. “And if it’s fate that he and I met again, what, pray tell, is the purpose? Am I that bad of a person that I have to have my heart broken for me to die early?”

“Forget the risk and take the fall. If it’s what you want, then it’s worth it all,” Erica blurts. Andy and she exchanges glances. “He’s worth the risk, isn’t it?”

Andy reads her friend’s expression, even if the other half of her face is pitch black. “I am not going to ruin someone’s relationship to feed up this stupid feeling, Erica.”

“It’s not stupid,” Erica says. “If it’s worth the risk, it’s never stupid.”

“I can’t afford a broken heart, E,” Andy says. “And you know that.”

“You can never be as broken as you already are,” Erica states. “Life is supposed to be full of risks. That’s what makes it life. What are you living if you never take any? Besides, you already said it yourself. He’s worth the risk. I think that’s what all that matters.” The elder sighs as she notices her friend’s confused expression.

“Look, I don’t to make some big speech, but I’m saying this to you and I’m only going to say it once so you better listen because I want you to understand something,” Erica says and pause to make sure Andy’s attention was on hers. “It’s okay to want things, and it’s okay to have them too. And one more thing, it’s also okay to be scared. It’s okay to do what you need to protect yourself. You don’t owe the world anything, so if you want to take your time about this, it’s fine. Don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with because of some naïve notion of doing the noble thing. Okay?”

Andy contemplates what Erica’s saying. Suddenly, everything seems clearer to her.

“Okay,” she says and means it.

“Okay,” her friend echoes.

Silence stretches across them, and then - “Since when did you become so smart?” Andy mutters, teasing.

Erica only scoffs, but there’s a smile playing in her lips.


	16. Hanging By A Moment

**August 20, 2016, 5.32AM**

“I’ve never thought of you as a morning person.”

          Darren cranes his neck sideways and watches as Chris plops down the grandma chair next to his while holding two mugs. He offers one to Darren in which he started making grabby hands to.

          “Thank you,” he mumbles and moves the notebook and pencil sitting on his lap to the table. “Why’s that?” he asks as he takes a sip.

          Chris tips his head slightly with scrunched nose. “Eh, you’re just always full of sunshine and rainbows on morning tapings,” he says. “So why are you up so early?”

          Darren sighs and brings the mug to the table. “I can’t sleep.”

          “Insomnia?”

          “I don’t even know anymore,” Darren says and shakes his head. “So why are you up early?” he counters.

          “Jetlagged,” Chris states with a frown. “Aren’t you?”

          “A bit.”

          “It’s a sixteen hour flight, and you’re jetlagged _a bit_?” Chris says incredulously.

          “I don’t even know why I’m up right now, man. Frankly, I’m so tired,” Darren confesses.

          It’s true. Darren is so freaking exhausted.

          It is plain ridiculous. He had gotten enough sleep while on the plane and the only productive thing he did before his flight was to pack his bags for the whole trip. But then, as he got out of the plane and once Chris, Will and he convoyed going to the beach house, Darren felt as if all the energy was sucked out of him.

          He starts thinking of the reasons.

Maybe it’s the fact that he’s already out of the number two decade line. Darren wouldn’t deny that he’d been very much exhausted for the past months, and there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for that: aging. It is the big number three and zero pressing down in his spine, waking him up at ungodly hour of the day with the feeling that something’s just wrong. It was twisting his thoughts into knots that he could never begin to untie.

Maybe because of the stress? Probably.

Maybe because for the past few days, all he could ever think of is Andy and her soft hair or Andy and her twinkling eyes or Andy and her stupid plump lips.

          Or maybe that’s just what his life is for the past couple of months.

          Or for the past two years, to be exact.

          “I like your hair. Suits you better,” Chris compliments, taking Darren off his thoughts.

Darren unconsciously runs his hand right through his mane. He got his new haircut the day before his flight, which earned a lot of praise from almost everybody – but Darren hates it.

          He didn’t feel like a new man like most people say whenever they got new haircut. He looked exactly like he was a few years ago, except maybe now he have more wrinkles and he got darker eye bags and he just looked plain older.

          “And the beard?” Darren asks, brushing his hands on his growing stubble.

          No, he didn’t get rid of it. Frankly, he likes it. It isn’t so bad. Darren had had longer and messier beards.

Chris’ nose crinkles a bit but then he exhales. “If it makes you happy, then I won’t speak of it anymore.”

          “Wow. That meant a lot, Sherrod. A lot.”

          Chris detects the sarcasm on his friend’s voice. He glares at him and playfully punches his shoulder.

          Silence covers the two friends for a moment. Chris’ eyes shifts towards the pen and paper on the table. He brings his mug down before glancing up at Darren.

          “That’s the lyrics?” he asks. Darren nods.

          “How is it?”

          “Still fucked up. I’m starting to think I won’t finish it in time.”

          “Of course you will.” He pauses. “May I?” Chris says, pointing on the notebook. Darren nods again.

          Chris holds up the paper as he examines it. Darren sighs loudly then watches as Chris’ eyes skims over the piece of paper on his hand. Finally, after a few seconds, he brings it down on his lap with a baffling expression on his face.

          “Well?” Darren prompts, eyeing Chris’ face carefully.

“It’s halfway done. I think that’s progress.”

“Yeah, but-”

“No buts, Criss. So you’re stuck in chorus, I see.”

Darren sighs, his shoulders slumping. “Fucking chorus. The verses are fine, but I can’t get the chorus right. And you know that if the chorus doesn’t work, the whole thing is going to be off.”

“It’s very well-written, Darren,” Chris comments, determined to twist the conversation. Chris knows how Darren can get when he gets stuck in his head – he starts ranting and soon will get frustrated which will go on for the whole day, making everybody near him feel the same way too - and at this time of the day when the sun isn’t even rising yet, Chris knows he couldn’t give a good advice at the moment. “It feels like it’s more than just words.”

          “Yeah,” Darren agrees.

          “About anyone in particular?”

          Darren takes a deep, loud sigh before nodding. “Yes.”

          “I assume it didn’t end up fine. You’re struggling too hard to get it out of your system,” Chris says. Darren nods, slightly amazed how Chris observes.

          Chris doesn’t ask more about it, and that’s one of the things Darren likes about him.

          “So I just remembered, why did you exactly get Andy’s home address? She didn’t report any robbery, so I assume you didn’t break into her house.”

          Darren chuckles, hearing Chris’ teasing tone. “I didn’t,” he says.

The truth is, the moment he got the address; all Darren wanted to do was to drive into her house. It was a bit far from his, but he didn’t really care. But then, as he mulled it over and over, he realized it wasn’t really the best time to do that, especially when he couldn’t exactly examine what he really felt about the happenings between the two of them, mentioning the fact that it was also an ungodly hour and he would only probably get a punch by going there. Darren wasn’t precisely happy about the outcome of what Andy and he had become, but he wasn’t exactly sad, either.

          He did send her a message, though. It took him a day and a half to finally have the courage to open his phone and type in a text for her. He couldn’t really contain himself anymore now that finally, after two goddamn years of missing her, he got a way to her.

          _You can’t just say things like that and leave._

Her reply wasn’t instant. Apparently, it took her also a day and a half to respond.

**I know.**

          “Mia and I ran into her though. Just the other day, I think,” Darren says, remembering the brief and probably the most awkward meeting he ever had in his entire life. It was after he got his new haircut that he and Mia decided to get some coffee together. And of course, of all the coffee houses in Los Angeles that they could have gone, it was in Cleo’s to which Andy was apparently in. Darren was starting to think the world is getting literally small for the both of them.

 “What? Really?” Chris says.

“Actually, Mia did,” Darren says as he recall. “They were already talking like good old friends when I joined them.”

It’s true. Darren headed straight to the restroom and let Mia take their order. When he got back to the diner, he spotted Mia standing over someone else’s table, and they were already having what seemed like a friendly chat.

~

“Mia, what do you have there?” Darren had said as he started walking towards her.

“Babe! Oh my God . . .” Mia started rumbling, but Darren wasn’t listening. Not at all. His eyes caught the familiar visage of the woman sitting on the table, and even though her back was facing him, Darren already knew who it was. There was no denying it was her. It must be her.

His breath hitched when she finally turned around and look. Darren felt his heart stopped when at first glance, she already captured Darren’s wide eyes. He met her hazel brown ones, and suddenly, just like that, everything came back to him.

“Oh! This is Andy,” Mia said, startling Darren. His eyes shifted from Andy to Mia and then to Andy again. “She’s a writer! Cool, huh?” she added.

“Hello.”

And _godfuckingdamnit_. Darren wanted to punch himself in the face right then and there. Five goddamned letters from her and he already felt overwhelmed.

Darren managed a simple, “Hi,” in response.

Mia’s eyes bounced back between Darren and Andy. “Hey. Do you know each other?” she asked, her smile faltering a little bit. Darren glanced at Mia before looking back at Andy.

He stared at Andy’s face as she stared at his. He suddenly felt those goddamn butterflies in his stomach (which he would not admit he feels because who normal guy would?) which pretty much explains why he did not want to even catch a glimpse on those beautiful brown orb.

“No,” Andy decided and immediately looked at Mia, but not denying seeing the flash of hurt that crossed Darren’s features. He sighed and managed a weak smile.

“No, I think we haven’t met. But it’s nice to meet you.” Reluctantly, she turned to Darren and found him deeply searching her eyes.

“Oh, okay. Well then, Dare, this is Andy. Andy, Darren Criss, my boyfriend,” Mia introduced.

There was a look on Andy’s face that Darren couldn’t decipher what. She looked rather surprised, but Darren could see something else.

_Oh how this world works . . ._

The bell in the counter goes _ding!_ and the awkward tension seemed to disappear.

Before Darren could react, Andy started arranging her things that were sprawled on the table and brought it back to her bag. She stood.

“It’s lovely meeting you guys,” she said, glancing between the two. “But I’ve got to run.”

“Really? That’s unfortunate,” Mia said, and she looked genuinely sad. “It’s lovely chatting with you, Andy.”

Andy gave a small smile before leaving hastily. He watched as she walked out of the coffee house and disappeared from the darkness completely.

“She looks rather tense, don’t you think?” Mia commented. His eyes snapped towards her as his gaze shifted towards the table. He took the teaspoon and bolted out.

“She forgot her pen,” he stated.

 “Wait-”

“Wait here. I’ll be back,” Darren said and followed out.

~

“How did it go?” Darren’s head snaps at Chris. It was then that he realized he had a trip down memory lane. Again.

He sighs. “Good. Mia finds her lovely.”

Chris smiles languorously. “She is, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, she is,” Darren says softly.

“So you read the book? It’s good, isn’t it?” Chris asks, changing the topic.

          “Um, I still haven’t actually,” he says, but even before Chris’ face forms a frown, he continues. “I was about to! I read the acknowledgement.”

          Chris nods. “That’s the best part, I think. It was weird, because she didn’t really acknowledge anyone directly, but you know right then and there it was for that boy.”

          Darren shifts from his seat as suddenly he feels rather weirdly uncomfortable.

          “Yeah, it was . . . it was mysterious.”

          “That’s how Andy keeps it, apparently. She’s a peculiar precious, that one.”

          “You seemed to know her well,” Darren states as he observes.

          “Not really, no, but I guess I can say we’re friends?” Chris says tentatively. “That is, if you keep stalking her as winning her friendship.”

          “What?” Darren says incredulously.

          “Fine, yes, I did stalk her, sue me,” Chris says and rolls his eyes a bit. “It’s just that, I was really hooked up with the story. She wasn’t even convinced to publish it at first, you know, because everything really happened. It was all real. I was really guilty for persuading her so bad, but the story was really just too good to be kept, you know?”

          “How long have you known her?”

          “A year? I’m not keeping track of time. That’s weird.”

          Darren sighs and nods. “So this house,” he says, purposely changing the topic. He doesn’t want to talk about it any longer. It’s already weird as it is. “It’s pretty awesome,” he adds.

          “Pretty rad,” Chris agrees, looking around the veranda. “This is Liam’s family’s rest house, I think.”

          “So why did we stay here? Why not in the beach resort?”

          “This house is pretty exclusive, actually,” Chris explains, grinning. “Only Fryxell and Liam’s closest friends are invited here in the house.”

          Darren’s eyebrows shoot up. “Oh, so that explains why there was a snoring sound in the other bedroom when I awoke. I was actually creeped out at first.”

          “Yeah. The others had been here since yesterday morning, I think.”

          “How’s that that we didn’t encounter them last night?”

          “We arrived here pretty late,” Chris says as he thinks about it. “They were all probably sleeping by then.”

          “That explains a lot,” Darren says and nods. “So I guess you all know our temporary board mates, then? You seem pretty close with the groom.”

          “I’ve made good friends with them. They’re all great. You’ll love them, I’m sure.”

          Darren sighs as he realizes he’s the only one who isn’t close with anyone in the house and apparently is the only stranger in the place. He’ll be staying in an unfamiliar person’s house for probably a few days and all he knows are Chris and Will.

          Chris seems to see the weariness that covers Darren’s face. He smiles toothlessly and pats Darren at the shoulder. “You’ll feel at home in no time. I guarantee you,” he assures.

          “Do they bite?” Darren half-jokes.

          Chris chuckles and decides to look as if he’s mulling it over. “Hmm, no.” He pauses. “Ellie has tendencies to choke people, though. I’m giving you heads up.”

          Chris looks so serious Darren contemplates to believe him.

~

**9.27AM**

Darren couldn’t breathe.

          His stomach is already having cramps, but with a good reason. He never thought he could laugh so much. All that had been in these past few months are agitation and stress that Darren almost forgot to have a good time or even have a good laugh. He’s pretty much enjoying that he couldn’t even feel any drowsiness. Not at all.

It had been an hour since he joined all the guests for a breakfast in the veranda, and within that time, he already made friends with all of them. Darren never really has problems making friends with strangers, especially when they’re all as goofy as this small crowd in front of him.

Darren learned that there are only few people in the house all in all, and he is truly grateful that he is a part of it. Darren doesn’t know these people, but somehow within just an hour, he never felt more belonged than ever.

Vince had just finished one of his many hilarious stories which for the nth time bring Darren and practically everyone in the table wheezing. God, he loves laughing. It feels like it’s the first laugh he’d had in _ages._

Vince continues for another story, but Darren only half-listens. He fleets his eyes at the huge, round table and for the nth time tries to silently familiarize in his mind who these incredible people are. His eyes flicker on his right side, where Chris and Will are seated. Next to Will is Erica, one of Fryxell and Liam’s best friend (apparently, Fryxell’s best friend is also Liam’s). Next to Erica is Vince, and Darren is still discerning if they’re a couple because they somewhat acts like one (at first glance, he honestly thought Vince was gay). And then there’s Liam beside Vince, and then Fryxell, then Jacob who is Liam’s younger brother, and then Rose, and then there’s Ellie who is seated on his left side.

Chris was partially true about Ellie. She does have tendencies to choke people, but so is everyone else in the group. Apparently they all have the best stories to tell that brings their listeners to choke in laughter in no time.

Darren likes everyone. Beyond the fact that they are all friendly to him, he finds it really fun to hang out with them. They’re all funny and kind and headstrong and passionate with their opinions and they’re not afraid to speak about them. Their sense of humor comes out of nowhere and they can have anyone doubled over laughing faster than anyone he’s ever met.

After a while, the group breaks and forms several small conversations. Ellie and Chris are having one, and since Darren is in between them, he feels obligated to join.

“-honestly the crankiest person when she’s awaken, and also the slowest,” Darren catches Ellie saying.

“Who’s she?” Darren says. “Oh, and hey. I’ve been meaning to ask, why are we here early? The wedding is in a few more days. I never knew the reason.”

          “Oh, didn’t you know? It’s her birthday today,” Ellie answers.

          “The bride?” he says, his gaze shifting to Fryxell and Liam.

          “No, silly,” Chris says with a chuckle. “Andy. It’s her birthday today.”

          Darren blinks.

          “What?”

          “There will be a surprise birthday dinner for her tonight, so we’re gathered here now.”

          Darren’s confused for a second. “So you . . . wait - are . . . you mean she’s-”

          “Here?” Ellie supplements. “Of course. It’s her best friend’s wedding.”

Chris looks at him and smiles. “Small world, innit?”

“You didn’t tell me,” Darren says.

Chris suddenly looks confused for a second. “Um. Should I?”

          “And speaking of the devil,” Ellie singsongs, her eyes trained forward. Darren takes another gulp on his water and proceeds to follow the gazes of everyone.

Darren almost chokes on his water.

          There is Andy, walking in all her beauty, and she is heading to their direction. Darren watches as a blush creeps on her cheek, and he notices that she looks rather sheepish.

“Ah! The birthday girl’s finally awake!” Vince shouts. Andy rolls her eyes and proceeds to sit on the vacant seat – _why didn’t Darren notice that vacant seat?_ – and Darren carefully watches as she scans all the people on the table. Finally, it lands on him. He notices a small ‘o’ forming from her lips, but even before someone could notice it, she composes herself.

“Why didn’t you tell me there’s breakfast going on in here? I could’ve waked up earlier,” she says, looking pointedly at Ellie.

“I didn’t know breakfast appeals you more than the birthday present I was telling you,” Ellie reasons. Suddenly, he tugs Darren’s shirt. “This is Darren Criss, but I’m pretty sure you know him.”

“Of course she knows. She’s been watching the reruns of Glee in her laptop every single d-”

“ROSICHRISTY!” Andy shouts, her voice high-pitched and her face all red. Darren can feel his face is, too.

“It’s true!” Rose shoots back. “I still have the video of you dancing on Teenage Dream.”

“-and you singing Perfect at the top of your lungs at three in the morning-”

“-and you squealing every time there’s a Klaine scene. I think I still have that video when you fell out of the bed because-”

“Oh my God.” Andy looks truly petrified. Darren wants to bury himself. When did it become so hot all of a sudden?

Everyone is already laughing.

“Look how red these three are,” Liam says, practically wheezing.

Darren looks at Chris and notices he’s so red he looks like he will explode any second. He almost forgot Chris is there and _shit_ , Will is, too. He glances at Will and he almost sighs in relief when Will is joining the laughter. He remembers Will saying to him that he was a big fan of Klaine, but he still feels a bit uncomfortable talking about it when he’s around.

“She has obsession with gay people,” Ellie informs.

Darren nods. _Of course._

“She’s secretly in love with me,” Will adds and throws a wink at Andy.

Andy rolls her eyes fondly. “Why am I friends with you again?”

It’s Chris’ turn to roll his eyes. “Oh, please. We’re friends because you’re still waiting for me to agree to your dream of threesome.”

Darren chokes in his own spit as everyone laughs.

“Unfortunately for you, I don’t share,” Chris says and pats Will’s thigh possessively.

Andy’s as red as the tomato laid in the table. “I didn’t mean it! And I was drunk!”

“Of course you were drunk,” Chris snorts and drinks his water.

“You have got to see her drunk,” Ellie tells him. “Drunk Andy is my favorite Andy. She’s just so loose. Hilarious.”

Andy glares at her. “I’m glad I entertain you,” she snaps and rolls her eyes. “Can we please drop the subject? It’s my birthday and you’re all being mean.”

“Okay, enough guys. Let’s not tease the birthday girl and our guest anymore,” Jacob speaks, biting his lip.

For some time, the laughter stops and the attention is finally gone.

That doesn’t remove Darren’s urge to drown himself later.


	17. Against All Odds

**August 20, 2016, 11.48PM**

Hearing that god-awful wrenching sound coming from Ellie in the restroom makes Andy question her whole existence.

          Okay. Probably not her whole existence, but on how on earth did she manage to get herself into where she is at the moment.

          One thing to know about Andy: she has a very good memory and she has the ability to remember every details of whatever happens with her. So as she unwillingly hears her friend throwing everything she ate that day in the restroom, Andy takes a mild trip down the memory lane.

~

**9.02AM (14 hours ago)**

Andy awakens when she realizes her bed was bouncing.

          She then comprehended that it was Ellie bouncing enthusiastically on her bed. Ellie was already showered, and her hair was flying everywhere as she jumped. She was looming over Andy like some sort of demented mad woman.

          “What the hell is wrong with you?” Andy had exclaimed.

          Ellie was still jumping, and Andy was already nauseated. Finally she stopped, collapsing next to Andy, rolling over and grasping her into her side.

          “Someone told me you’re 24 today,” Ellie sang.

          Andy yawned as she processed what Ellie said. And then she remembered.

She glared at Ellie. “That is not how you wake people up,” she snapped. “Especially people who has birthday today.”

“That’s not in the Best Friends 101 rule book,” Ellie sang once again. Andy rolled her eyes.

“Get off me,” she demanded, pushing Ellie away from her. “There must be a good explanation why you woke me up. On my birthday. I hope you’re feeling guilty. I’m feeling upset right now.”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “Shush,” she said. “I don’t feel sorry at all, because your present is downstairs. And he’s looking extremely hot.” Ellie started wiggling her eyebrows.

“What? What present?” Andy demanded, feeling more awake than ever.

“You have to get your ass downstairs to see.” Ellie was back on singing whatever she says and Andy restrained the urge to smack her best friend right then and there. Ellie finally slipped out of the bed and started walking out.

“Ellie, wait! Who’s downstairs?”

Ellie turned around at the door with a mischievous smile in her lips. “You never learn, Claveria. Rule number four hundred and seventeenth in the Best Friends 101 rule book: don’t ask too many questions. Just go with the fucking flow.”

Andy face palmed and groaned. For nearly two years of being friends with these idiots, she already knew that the ‘flow’ leads to nowhere but trouble.

~

**1.34PM (10 hours ago)**

“So tell me.”

          Andy craned her neck to look at Chris. He walked around Andy’s chair before deciding to flop down onto the empty chair next to hers. There was a knowing look on his eyes, and Andy pursed her lips and prohibited the small smile that wanted to escape her mouth.

          “Fine, I admit. I was – still is – a fan of your tv show,” Andy admitted.

          “Not that silly,” Chris said, turning a little red again.

          “Tell you what, then?” she said.

          Andy couldn’t see, but she knew Chris rolled his eyes through his sunglasses. “I’m not blind, you know? And I can see the exchange of secret looks that’s been going on between you two for the past two hours.”

          Andy pursed her lips. It had been hours since she learned that the present Ellie was referring to was actually Darren. Her eyes practically bulged out when she saw the familiar curls sitting between Chris and Ellie, and she was so dumbfounded that she hadn’t been able to speak for a few minutes. How it all seemed too planned, she didn’t question it. Andy knew Fryxell was a fan of Darren, and since they all seemed pretty connected, there’s no real surprise that Darren’s actually here.

          And then, there was Rose and her big mouth, telling Andy’s guilty pleasure to everybody. Andy took a mental note to smack her best friend pretty hard later.

          Thankfully, she passed the breakfast without fainting from embarrassment. Andy had never felt more ashamed in her whole life. Andy took another mental note to smack each and every one of her friends hard later.

Ever since their breakfast, which was hours ago, she always felt the urge to look at Darren’s direction. Funny that whenever she does, he was already looking at her.

Andy decided to play it off. She doesn’t exactly know what those eye communications was either. She raised a brow at Chris, feigning surprise. “There are no looks, Christopher.”

“Lies. All lies.”

“We’re civil!”

“Honey, there’s civil, and then there’s flirty.”

Andy scoffed, but it came out less offended and sceptical and more flustered and guilty. “We weren’t flirting.”

Chris gave her an attitude-ridden look. “Then what exactly do you call glancing at each other covertly like you really want to look, but don’t think you’re allowed to.”

“We weren’t flirting, Chris,” Andy repeated, clearly out of ridiculous, baloney reasons.

Chris sighed before shaking his head. “He’s taken, you know?” he said, his voice soft and low.

          Andy stilled for a moment before nodding. “I know,” she said, keeping her voice even.

          Of course she knew. For some God awful reason, she even met the girlfriend in person. Yet again, her friends invaded her apartment, destroying her peaceful ambiance. She left them feasting over her food and decided to stay at Cleo’s. And of course, it was the same time that Darren and his girlfriend decided to grab some caffeine.

          After their brief meeting and chitchat, Andy left agitated. If the world had been a kinder place, Mia would have been the most annoying human being ever. But of course that wasn’t the case. It didn’t help that Mia was so nice and just so lovely, and Andy was beyond pissed.

          “But he still keeps looking at you,” Chris said, his playful voice emerging again.

          Andy blinked and her eyebrows knitted. “He isn’t.”

          “Yeah? I’m pretty sure he’s looking at our direction right now.”

          Andy’s head snapped to where Will, Vince, Liam, Jacob and Darren are standing on the shore. And Chris was right. Even if they were meters away, Andy could see Darren staring at their direction. When Darren seemed to notice that they noticed he was staring, he abruptly looked away.

          Suddenly, a small blackout began.

~

**_August 18, 2016, 8.35PM_ **

_“I knew you’d follow.”_

_The truth was, Andy didn’t really expected Darren to follow her out of the house. He was with his girlfriend, for heaven’s sake. She felt her heart thumping loud after leaving the building and Andy had to lean against the brick wall at the side of the shop to breathe and to compose herself._

_Andy saw Darren first before he saw her, and she was genuinely surprised. Her eyes then caught something shiny on his hand, and just like that, she understood what Darren was trying to do._

_Andy tried to make herself look comfortable as she slumps against the wall and held herself up on one leg casually._

_Because that is how Andy keeps her cool. Casual._

_Andy knew Darren was shocked, because he literally jumped after she spoke. He whipped around and saw Andy leaning against the cold bricks at the side of the restaurant as if she’d been really expecting him. Andy watched as Darren sighed and blinked profusely._

_“Andy.”_

_“Such a small world, don’t you think?”_

_Darren nodded. “Yes.”_

_Andy pressed her lips together to form a thin line. She then smiled toothlessly. “I see everything worked out in the end.”_

_Darren opened his mouth but no words came out._

_Andy suddenly heard the bell chiming from the coffee house, but Darren seemed not to. Andy took her wild guess of who went out and stuck to it. “You forgot something?” she asked, her eyes glancing at Darren’s back, expecting Mia to find them soon._

_She caught Darren’s eyes squinting. “No, but you did.”_

_Andy focused on Darren as she bit her bottom lip to prevent the smile from coming. She recognized this conversation. She decided to play it off. Andy’s eyebrows scrunched up. “What?”_

_“Darren?”_

_Both of their heads snapped to the sound of Mia’s voice. She was looking at them with a curious stare, and Andy took one step near Darren._

_“Thanks for giving my pen back,” Andy spoke loudly for all of them to hear as she took the teaspoon from Darren’s grasp. She looked at him through her eyelashes with a meaningful look. She turned to look at Mia. “I’m not very careful with my things.”_

_She shot Mia an apologetic look and glanced back at Darren. She found him biting his lip, but the knowing look on his face gave away everything._

_“Sure looks like it,” Mia said._

_Andy was a bit taken aback, but she didn’t show it._

_“Mia,” Darren said with a firm tone._

_“I gotta go,” Andy prompted. “But it was really lovely meeting you both. Thank you for giving my pen back again, Darren.”_

_She turned around and started walking out, but then halted. She didn’t know what pushed her to. She slowly turned and faced the two, who still didn’t move from where they were standing. “You know what, I think I do recognize you from somewhere,” she said, looking at Darren._

_His brow shot up. “Oh yeah?”_

_“Yeah. You’re that bowtie dude on the tv show where they sing and dance, right?”_

_“Glee, you mean?” Mia said._

_Andy shrugged nonchalantly. “Yeah, I don’t know. That dude doesn’t have facial hair.” Andy paused. “No? Okay. Anyway, I really gotta go. Nice beard, by the way.”_

_“Did she just compliment your beard?” Mia said from behind, but Andy ignored it. She just kept walking, her heart thumping loudly in her ears._

~

**1.44PM (10 hours ago)**

“Andy!”

          Andy’s head snapped up, taking her away from her thoughts. She could feel Chris looking at her, concerned.

          “Are you okay? You just zoned out! I was freaked out for a second here,” Chris said.

          “Yes, yes I’m fine. I’m sorry,” she apologized, smiling sheepishly. “What were we talking about again?”

          “You’re so obvious it’s ridiculous,” Chris said, chuckling.

          “Chris, you yourself told me he’s taken.”

Chris studied her for a minute. “But you like him, don’t you?”

          Andy looked at him. “I don’t want to.”

          “That didn’t answer my question. I’ll ask once again: you like him, don’t you?”

          “Chris, he’s taken.”

          “But you do.”

          “I do.”

~

**8.30PM (4 hours ago)**

Everything was a blur.

          All Andy could remember were Ellie and Rose forcing her to wear the stupid dress that wasn’t even hers and Fryxell braiding her hair plus Vince holding her down while Erica put a little color on her face. And then she was being blindfolded and being pushed into the car and the next thing she knew, everybody was shouting a birthday greeting to her in a bar full of their friends and acquaintances.

          The next few hours passed in a tipsy blur. People kept handing Andy drinks and she sipped from them. By eleven in the evening, she probably sampled most of the drinks, but she was not that drunk. She does feel more relaxed than anything.

          Andy stayed mostly at the back of the club where the bar was located. She roamed her eyes around for a bit, catching glimpse of some guests and blurted out a few greetings. She then spotted Darren on the other side of the room talking to Jacob. Andy watches the way Darren’s hands move and bops his head. He looked genuinely happy and Andy could see his eyes literally smiling. She took a guess that whatever they were talking about are the things that animates Darren and turns him into this loud and extraordinarily hyperactive person.

There was a point of the night when Erica, already clearly wasted, poked Andy at her side and pointed at the small stage at the corner, giggling.

Before Andy could question the mischievous look on her best friend’s face, the lights suddenly flickered and then went dim. A raised platform illuminated from the stage, and Ellie with her drunken ass stepped into the spotlight, holding a microphone. Andy felt her heart stop for a second. She knew her friend was already wasted, and she also knew that whatever will come out of her mouth will lead into nothing but embarrassment.

“How’s everyone doing tonight!” Ellie shouted to the microphone, and Andy cringed as she suddenly deafened. But the crowd didn’t seem to mind because they all responded with shouts and catcalls.

“This is a great night, innit? But this night isn’t for all of us. It’s for my bestest friend in the whole wide world! You know why, because it’s her eff-ing birthday today! Woo!”

“Holy crap.”

“God, I love her style.”

Andy jumped as she found Darren standing beside her. His eyes were trained on Ellie and there was a big grin spread on his mouth. Andy wanted to smack him for finding the situation amusing.

“And because it’s her birthday today,” Ellie continued, “I’m gonna do a birthday present for her. Arell, this is for you.”

Unconsciously, she grabbed Darren’s bicep and squeezed it. “Oh, God. Get her down,” she whispered in horror, but she only felt Darren vibrates as he laughed.

When Andy heard the familiar tune, her brain took a moment to catch up, but when it does, all she could think was _Oh my God I am going to fucking kill her_.

“It’s your birthday so I know you want to r-i-i-i-de out-”

A chorus of drunken whoops and cheers erupt, and Andy was ready to bury herself. But then the bass dropped out and the music stopped, and Ellie said into the mic, “That was a joke! Andy, breathe. It’s okay. Breathe, hon.”

Andy felt like she was going to faint, but even if she does, she doesn’t miss Darren’s hand caressing her back and she felt his chest vibrating and wait - _when did they become so close all of a sudden?_

“So today is Andy’s 24th birthday,” Ellie says, “and it’s sort of hard to believe even if Andy’s articulate.”

“Yes, she is!” Someone who sounded suspiciously like Rose and Erica shouted from the crowd. Andy made a mental note to kill them later together with Ellie.

          “Our baby’s growing up,” Ellie said, and Andy was pretty sure Ellie was near to breaking down a sob. “So to bring more fun in this awesome party, I would like to call our special friend-”

          “Please don’t tell me they’re gonna sing. Please,” Andy whispered with such a small, terrified voice. “Please, please, ple-”

          “-Darren Criss in the house everybody! Woo! Come up here, handsome!”

          Just like that, Andy was again alone at the back of the bar as she watched Darren make his way to the stage. He hugged Ellie briefly before she handed him the mic and she hopped to Andy’s destination.

          Andy would’ve killed her right then and there, but she wouldn’t. Her eyes were trained to the dazzling man now standing on the stage.

          “Hey guys! For those who don’t know me, I’m Darren, hi. Um, so I know we play party music tonight, but I’d like to tone it down a little bit, if it’s alright with y’all.”

          “We like whatever you do, Darren!” someone shouted from the crowd that caused wolf-whistling and catcalls.

          “Thanks!” Darren said, grinning. “Alright then. Grab a partner, come on. Don’t be shy. If you don’t have, that’s fine, no one’s gonna judge you, I promise.” The crowd chuckled. “I hope you enjoy the song, guys. This is for our celebrant. Arella, happy birthday, and this is for you.”

          This time when the music kicked in, Andy immediately recognized the song. She felt her cheeks heat, and she forced her hand to a fist, because she felt it trembling.

_How can I just let you walk away_

_Just let you leave without a trace_

_When I stand here taking every breath with you_

_You're the only one who really knew me at all_

 

                The lyrics tugged Andy’s heart in such a terrifying possible way. Just like that, she entered what seemed like a trance. Ellie’s grasping her arm a bit too tightly, and she has to remind herself to breathe.

          “Oh my God. He’s such a sweetheart,” Andy heard Ellie mumble.

_How can you just walk away from me_

_When all I can do is watch you leave_

_‘Cause we shared the laughter and the pain_

_And even shared the tears_

_You're the only one who really knew me at all_

 

          His eyes were mostly closed, but when he opened them, it pierced straight to Andy, and with every glance, she feels her breath hitch.

_So take a look at me now_

_Now there's just an empty space_

_And there's nothing left here to remind me_

_Just a memory of your face_

 

_Oh take a look at me now_

_There's just an empty space_

_And you coming back to me is against the odds_

_And that's what I've gotta face_

 

_I wish I could just make you turn around_

_Turn around and see me cry_

_There's so much I need to say to you_

_So many reasons why_

_You're the only one who really knew me at all_

 

          The song was beautiful and it was full of meaning for the both of them, and Darren sang it beautifully. She racked her brain and remembered the last time someone sang to him, and then she realizes it was Darren. For twenty four years of living, it was only Darren who sings a song for her. And it wasn’t just a one-time occurrence.

          When the whole song was over, the room exploded with applause and shouts, and Andy could feel Ellie tugging her arm. She looked at her friend and expected hearty eyes, but it wasn’t, because Ellie was already running going to the restroom.

          Andy hastily followed.

~

**11.56PM (Present time)**

The knocks on the door brought Andy back to the present time.

          She was pacing back and forth inside the surprisingly clean restroom. Darren’s voice was still ringing through her ears, and the smile on her face was priceless.

“Um. It’s occupied,” Andy says.

          “I know. But let me in. I brought tissues.” Andy recognizes the voice as Darren’s. She immediately unlocked the restroom door and peeks through it. Darren immediately hands her the tissues.

          “Is she okay? She looked a little green when I was up there,” Darren says, looking genuinely concerned.

          “Um, yeah. Too much alcohol, I think.” She pauses as she fidgets uncomfortably. “I don’t know if I should let you in.”

          Darren’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “Oh,” he said, and he starts twiddling. “Um, no. I’ll just . . . I think I’ll just wait here outside.”

          “Yeah, uh, thanks,” Andy mumbles as she awkwardly closes the door. She leans against it and closes her eyes before sighing.

          _Damn it._

          “Tissue,” Ellie slurs on her cubicle. Andy jumps and approaches Ellie. She hastily hands her the tissues. “Thanks for holding back my hair,” she hisses.

          Andy rolls her eyes. “It’s your fault. I wasn’t the one chugging all the beers that are being handed to me. That’s your punishment.”

          “Some friend are you,” Ellie mutters. “Happy birthday.”

          “Thank you, and you stink, and you’re about to pass out, so I’m gonna call someone to bring you home.”

          “Wha – I’m not yet done here,” Ellie starts to protest, but both she and Andy knows it’s useless. Andy is pretty determined to bring her crazy friend home even if she does it by dragging her by her hair.

          Suddenly, the door busts open and Erica, Rose and Fryxell burst in.

          “Oh my God, is she okay?”

          “Apparently not,” Andy answers.

          “Someone has to take her home,” Fryxell says.

          The three of them looks at each other, hesitant.

“I will,” Andy decides.

          “Of course not. This is your birthday party. Your guests are still here,” Rose says.

          “Entertain them,” Andy says. “I’ll be back. I want to bring her home.”

          “Fine,” Erica mutters and sighs. “I’ll tell Vince to take her home.”

          “He and Liam are pretty wasted. They can’t drive,” Fryxell informs.

          Out of nowhere, the restroom door opens. “I could drive. I’m not drunk.” Four heads snap to look at Darren’s head popping in.

          Before Andy could protest, all three of them are already nodding in agreement. “Great. It’s settled then.” She pauses as they look at their wasted friend’s figure slumped on the toilet bowl. “Um. Darren, would you help us-”

          Even before Erica was able finish her sentence, Darren is already walking towards Ellie. “Sure, I’ll take care of her,” he says and then grunts at the sudden weight of Ellie’s shoulder. Andy takes her other shoulder and groans.

          “God, she looks so wrecked,” Rose comments.

          “God, you’re such an ass,” Ellie slurs, and despite the situation, everyone still manages to laugh.

~

**August 21, 2016, 12.32AM**

Andy finds Darren alongside the shore.

          He’s pacing back and forth with his eyes on his feet and both of his hands tucked in his pockets. It’s dark out there, but the moon is illuminating so bright that it’s enough to make the surroundings visible.

“Hey,” she says as she walks toward him. Darren’s head snaps in her direction.

“Hey,” he says. “Tucked her fine?”

“It was war,” Andy says and sighs. “I’m sorry it took so long. Ellie’s most stubborn when she’s drunk.”

Darren grins. “It’s alright. Do you still want to go back?”

“Um.” Andy doesn’t feel like going back at all. “I don’t think I’m still in the mood, but if you want to, let’s go.”

Darren’s grin widens as he shakes his head. “I was actually hoping for you to say that. It had been a long day. I’m pretty tired.”

Andy presses her lips and nods. “You should go inside, then, if you’re tired.”

“How about you?”

“I think I’ll stay here for a while. Just to wind up and sober up.”

Darren eyes her for a moment. “Are you sure? It’s quite cold here. Do you want my jacket?”

Andy reels back. She isn’t expecting that. Even before she can respond, Darren’s already shrugging the denim off and without hesitation wraps it around Andy’s shoulder.

Andy can feel her cheeks burning. Her gaze falters slightly, going fond – _too fond_ \- but she chooses to play it casually.

“Ever the gentleman,” she teases, and Darren chuckles.

“Always,” he says. “Damn manners. Now I’m cold.”

“Head inside. The fireplace’s lit.”

“That sounds great. You sure you want to stay her longer?”

Andy nods decisively. Darren breathes and nods.

“Okay,” he says. “I’ll give you your peace.”

Andy chuckles and nods. “Thank you.”

Darren nods as he turns and walks away. Andy watches him for a moment until she realizes she’s already staring. She spins around and shakes her head slightly.

Andy doesn’t have any idea what time it is. She continues to stare at the pitch black ocean in front of her. She smiles slightly as she suddenly feels comfortable even if it’s practically freezing. Her face is cold, but her body isn’t. She wraps herself further into Darren’s comfortable jacket. It smells like Darren, and suddenly, everything feels warm.

Andy’s just thinking about going back when suddenly –

“ _Why did you leave?_ ”


	18. Latch

**August 21, 2016, 12.42AM**

And then Darren snaps.

He doesn’t know what urges him to. He left Andy at the beach all by herself, and he went straight to his room, but he suddenly feels restless. He can feel his hand twitching and his breath getting heavier and heavier.

And then the next thing he knows, Darren’s walking out of his room, trudging down the stairs, pushing the screen door with so much force and plodding towards the beautiful woman standing on the beach that literally drives him insane.

He speaks. He couldn’t remember what he said, but it’s enough to catch Andy’s attention. He keeps his distance to her, because Darren’s feeling something and he’s afraid he can’t control his actions.

_Why did you leave?_

“Just like that? Why?” Darren blinks.

“I told you I will.”

“You know how I felt,” Darren blurts, and he doesn’t know where it’s coming from, but he’s feeling strangely brave. “You know how I feel about you,” he corrects himself, and he notices how Andy’s eyes widen.

“You’re wrong.” He notices how her voice became small.

Darren blinks. “What?”

“You’re wrong. Whatever you’re feeling, it isn’t real.”

“Who are you to tell me that?”

_Take the risks._

“I know what I feel.”

_It’s worth it._

“I’m in love with you.”

_She’s worth it._

Darren sees how her mouth opens, but nothing comes out. Darren looks right at her eyes, search for something, _anything_. He’s starting to feel everything, every unreciprocated emotion he had inside.

_Say something. Please. Anything._

“But you didn’t know me,” Andy says and starts to ramble. “You have no idea where I’ve been, where I live, who I’m friends with. You didn’t have a clue what I think about before I go to sleep. You don’t know anything unless I tell you.”

“Because you wouldn’t let me in!” Darren shouts. He feels himself hyperventilating, but he tries to calm his nerves. “And yet, even if you didn’t, I still managed to do so. I still managed to love you and all your ambiguities.”

“You can’t say things like that.”

“And why not?”

“Because clearly you’re mistaking your fondness for something it isn’t.”

“Stop trying to rationalize this because I sure as hell can’t, and don’t you dare try to tell me what I’m feeling.”

The two words that came out of Andy’s mouth next are the least thing he expects.

“I’m sorry.”

          “You’re sorry?”

Darren’s world’s literally falling apart. He can feel it tumbling down. Staring at her does it. He’s too angry, and he wants to let it all out. He needs to.

He chuckles dryly and then shakes his head. Suddenly, just like that, he cracks, and all hell breaks loose. He starts saying things he doesn’t really mean, but it was two years stuck in his mind, and suddenly, he just _breaks_.

“You know what? I kept wishing I never rode that bus. For two fucking years, I kept wishing I never met you. I wish I didn’t waste all those times thinking about you. I wish I didn’t worry or cared because I never know if you do. I wish I never got excited every time you made me feel special. I wish I never got my hopes high for you. You’re the master of raising hope just to tear it all down again, but still I did. I still hoped. Because just like you, I’m a fucking hopeful person.

I lived for two fucking years hoping that whenever my doorbell rings, it’s going to be you who are standing on the other side. These two years had been shitty,” – _without you_ – “and it only made me feel fucking stupid. I even pitied myself, you know? I was living my life like a pathetic hopeful man because of some girl I met and spent a few days with in an unknown place. It’s fucking stupid, but it is what it is.”

Darren pauses and struggles to keep his breathing even. “And suddenly, just like that, you’re back in my life. You made your own way through my fucked up world effortlessly, and I . . .” _Fuck this. Just fucking say it._ “I still lo-”

          “Don’t you dare finish that sentence,” Andy interrupts, her voice shaking. “You asked for one day and I gave you one day, Darren.” Darren could see Andy’s invisible walls falling apart in front of him. The walls he’d been struggling to break from the beginning.

Darren only gives her an annoyed look. “Wha – was that it? So that’s how it really works for you?” he says, incredulously. He chuckles dryly and brings his hands up to his head. “Wow,” he says turning his feet and starts walking back to the house. He cannot believe it. “That’s really fucked up, man.”

“Darren, wait!”

Just like that, Darren breaks once again. “No!” he says, facing her once again. “You know I have feelings for you, Andy! You know it! But you didn’t care! You never did!”

“You really think I didn’t say goodbye to you because I don’t care?” Andy’s eyes narrows and her voice is breathier than it normally is. Yep. Definitely pissed.

Darren splutters and gives an exaggerated shrug. “That’s what it looks like to me, yeah!”

Andy turns away from him, running a hand through her hair agitatedly. “Goddamn it! I cannot believe that after everything I’ve told you, you still don’t know anything about me!”

Darren’s fuming. “So it’s my fault then? Is that what you’re saying? Goddamn it, I don’t even know what you’ve told me! As far as I could remember, you never told me anything!”

Andy stares at him. “You’re still an idiot,” she says, shaking her head. “Oh my God. You’re still an idiot.”

“Oh, fuck this! Fine, I’ll bite! Why did you leave me like that?”

“Because it’s too fucking hard, Darren! I can’t even begin to explain how much it pains me to go!” Andy pauses, swallowing hard. “When I think about everything we’ve been through, it makes me realize that I don’t want to leave. You make me not want to go and it scares the shit out of me because no one ever made me feel the way that you do.

You opened me up so easily that no one ever could. And I guess I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. For the first time since my father died, I was happy. And that happiness wasn’t brought by me. It was brought by you. And I didn’t like that. Because I’ve already learned. I learned that establishing your happiness from someone will destroy you. And it scared the fuck out of me, Darren. I built this wall around me and no one could bring it down. Until you. You happened. You and your stupid glass jar and inquisitive mouth.

I needed to go and I needed to go without you because you were falling for this lost and utterly fucked-up version of me and I’m scared that if I finally found myself again, you wouldn’t like me as much as you did before. And I can’t just stay being like that Darren, even if for some stupid reason you still seemed fascinated by that version of me. I was lost and I was confused and I can’t let you love me like that. Because you deserve so much more.

So if you think that – that I didn’t say goodbye to you, that I left you like that because you don’t mean as much to me, you’re damn wrong, Darren. It’s because you mean more to me. And I’m sorry, okay?” Her voice breaks and she’s breathing shakily. A lonely tear escapes and Andy reaches to wipe it away angrily. “So there! All right? There’s your explanation!”

Darren’s frozen in spot as everything sinks on him, but he manages to shake himself out of it just as Andy strides past him and making her way in the house.

“Andy!”

Andy turns around, fixing Darren a glare. “What?”

“You keep saying that you’re not good enough for me, or that you leaving were better for me,” he says, taking one step closer. “But did it ever occur to you that I have feelings too? Did you consider how I’d feel?”

“I just thought that it’d be better if I-”

“How would it be better? How would losing the one person I was ever truly in love with better?” he cries out.

“Stop saying that! You can’t be in love with me. You can’t and you never will be.”

“Oh yeah? Well newsflash: I can,” he says. “Just as much as I can do this.”

With two long steps, he has closed the distance between them, and even before he could process what’s happening, he has his lips attached to Andy.

He’s kissing Andy. _Fuck._

Andy stumbles a little by the sudden impact, but Darren slips a hand down around her waist to steady her and hold her to him as close as possible as their lips move slowly together. The kiss holds more emotions than Darren thought he was capable of expressing. They kiss like it’s everything, like that’s all there is and ever will be. It’s not until her tongue runs over his bottom lip that brings him back to present.

Darren reluctantly pulls away and it is him resting his forehead against hers that he realizes he is out of breath. They are both breathing hard, their chests rising and falling together at an unimaginable speed.

          “You-”

          “Shut up, and kiss me, and don’t you dare look back.”

          Darren complies.

          He quickly reconnects their lips again, and his hands unconsciously run up and down her sides as he does. Even with their tongues tangled together, Darren releases a moan when Andy tugs on one of his curls. He can feel Andy silently laughing through the kiss, and he realizes then that he too is actually laughing.

          “Damn,” he breathes.

“Shit,” she says, brushing her nose with his.

          Darren’s whole body feels rocked by even the simplest of the touch. He can see the brightness of Andy’s eyes staring at him, shining like stars as the moon reflects in them. He doesn’t move and neither does Andy, locked in one another’s gazes, Darren afraid of breaking the spell.

          She pecks him on the lips. “Was that all right?” she asks, voice shuddery and warm against Darren’s lips. His lips part, intent on words, but then he’s pressing up and kissing Andy again.

          Darren can feel the way Andy’s body relaxes, how she presses back into the kiss, and on how her hands find their way back to his curls and grips them, pulling him closer, and Darren never felt more alive.

          He finds his hands tugging Andy’s waist closer to his, and it’s suddenly like everything he’s been feeling for since he met Andy for the first time makes sense. Relief and understanding floods through him and he tugs Andy even closer – he cannot be close enough – until their chests are pressed together.

          “Darren.” Andy’s voice is hardly more than a breath as they break apart, but then Darren is kissing Andy again. Andy lets out a sound of surprise, her arms winding around Darren’s neck as she sinks into the kiss. But Andy breaks away, trying to get Darren’s attention, except that Darren kisses her again; catches kisses on the corner of Andy’s mouth until they slide together, hits their noses until they turn and find the right angle.

          Darren doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to stop kissing Andy now that he has – now that he knows he _can_.

          Darren wants to give her all of the missed kisses now, the sweet, innocent, hopeful kisses he should have given her for the last few years. Darren kisses Andy’s forehead, her cheeks. He nuzzles his nose and then runs his tongue over Andy’s bottom lip like he should have done that day at the back of truck. He kisses her deeply now, a bit desperately, like he should have done when he had the chance.

“No,” Darren says. He blinks, clearing the haze that kissing put there, and notices how Andy’s lips have become and how her eyes have gone unbelievably darker. It just makes him want to lean in again, unfolds the adamant warmth low in his abdomen that he wants to quench. Andy tiptoes a bit to press one more quick kiss to Darren’s lips and then she’s stepping back, laughing as Darren grabs her dress and tries to keep her close.

          Darren starts to wonder how someone can be so beautiful. He’s always known her that way, and Darren is just beginning to understand.

          Andy looks at Darren, and that’s when he realizes that her eyes are glass with unshed tears, but she is beaming. Darren can’t stop himself from walking towards her and pulling her into a crushing hug.

          Andy immediately buries her face in the crook of Darren’s neck and Darren hold her, slides one of his hands into Andy’s soft hair. The affectionate kisses he touches to Andy’s forehead and temple comes without thought; they’re natural, as if Darren has always done such things.

          “Darren, I’m sorry,” she mumbles.

          Darren kisses her hair. “It’s alright.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“I was never mad at you.”

“What were you?”

“Hurt.”

Andy pulls off from the hug and looks at Darren. “I’m sorry.”

“I know baby, I know.”

Andy bites her lower lip and slowly presses her lips with his.

And there it is: sparks. Sparks and electricity and butterflies inside Darren’s body and dear god, _why, why, why?_

Andy pulls back and Darren stares at her brown eyes and _yep_. That’s why.

Darren grins that stupid grin, and suddenly, they burst out laughing.

“Oh my God. So this is what deprivation of love does to us,” Andy blurts. When she looks back up to Darren, his eyes are literally shining. Darren’s expression changes. His features are smoothed out, and even though his eyes are red and his face is flushed, there is now something tangible around him.

“Yes,” he says. “Yes. I’m deprived of love. I was deprived of you. Andy, I’ve always wanted this. I’ve always wanted you.”

Andy slowly lifts her head and looks at Darren. Her face is incredibly expressive but it doesn’t help Darren if he can’t read emotions that flash across it. He’s never had to read people before; not that he wants to. He wasn’t interested to know what’s behind the façade, what those people are really like.

Darren’s lips quivers as he feels Andy slowly drifting away from him.

“Darren,” Andy whispers. “Darren you can’t say things like that.”

Darren stops stealing kisses but he leans his forehead against hers as he process what she just said.Suddenly, he feels his heart dropping as he begins to realize. _It’s too much._ He’s said things too much. Even if it’s all true, it’s already above his limits.

“Wha-”

Andy’s beginning to slip away from his touch, and Darren feels he’s having a panic attack. He immediately regretted bringing that up so early. His mouth has a tendency of running away with him even if he doesn’t want to. Darren wants to pull her back, craves for her body heat against his, but he’s frozen in spot.

Instead, he begs. “Don’t, no,” he whimpers.

Andy shakes her head. “You can’t say things like that,” she repeats.

Darren can see the sudden realization of what’s happening in her eyes, and he couldn’t help but to wonder if she’s already regretting everything that’s happened for the past couple of minutes. He prays not. God, just _no_.

“Please, Andy. Don’t do that. Don’t say no. I . . . I need you. God, I do, I need you. So much. Please,” Darren pleads, and it surprises him how sincere his tone has become.

“It’s wrong,” she whispers. “Oh, God. This is wrong.”

“No, no. Don’t say that. Please,” he whimpers.

He watches every move she does very carefully, as if saying something might break her.

“Andy . . .”

“Oh my God. How much did you drink?”

“ _What?_ ”

“How much did you drink at the party, Darren?”

“I drove you all the way here safe, right? I’m perfectly fine. Besides, that wouldn’t make anything I say less true.”

“That’s the thing. You always mean what you say.”

“So listen to me.”

Darren takes the risk – that’s where everything starts, anyway - he tries to reach out for her again, and this time, she complies. Darren tries to pull her back in his arms, but Andy is resisting.

“Don’t overanalyse everything,” Darren whispers. _Please._

“I can’t do this.”

“You can. Of course you can.”

“But -          Mia – she-”

“I need you,” Darren insists. “And you need me. Just give me this, alright? Please. Just this one.”

Andy shakes her head but Darren can see how she’s having a fight with herself through her expressions. He’s still hopeful.

Finally, Andy sighs, her expression decisive.

“One night,” she says, her hands between them.

Darren grabs both of her hands and leans his forehead against hers. He shakes his head slightly. “I want so much . . . I want everything . . . Andy, I can’t-”

“I know.”

Darren opens his eyes and stares at Andy’s pivotal reaction. He sighs. “One night,” he agrees in great reluctance. “My night . . . I have to . . . please . . . can we just, let’s-”

Andy doesn’t trust whatever comes out of Darren’s mouth, so she simply sealed his with hers. And just like that, Darren is _gone._

Everything that happens next comes out as a blur. Suddenly, the kisses become hard; the breathings become short, the pupils become darker. Darren’s whole body gives over to the kiss: lips warm, tongue skating across teeth, hands wrapped up in the hair at the base of Andy’s neck. He leaves little kisses at the corners of Andy’s mouth, and then presses his lips firmly to it in a kiss so deep he thinks he might pass out.

They’re full on making out now, and making out in basically a public place is the dirtiest and most impulsive thing Darren has ever done with anyone. He can’t even remember the last time he actually made out with someone, kissed someone until his lips hurt, until the air is sucked out of his lungs.

Both Darren and Andy pull back to catch their breath, and when he catches her eyes, there’s only one thing he reads on them: bedroom.

They nods, but they starts kissing again, and Darren couldn’t help but to roam his hands on Andy’s body. Andy groans.

“Darren, fuck,” Andy says, batting Darren’s hand away. “I am not going to do this in an open space.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Darren apologizes, but Andy knows he doesn’t mean it.

“Walk.”

Darren whimpers but he obeys. He’s already hard and is already finding it difficult to walk quickly, so he takes Andy’s hand and gives into the stroll. But they’re not even on the veranda of the house that he’s sliding his hand up Andy’s arm, down her back, over her dress – _why does she have to wear a fucking dress?_ – and he groans as Andy slaps his hands away again.

“Jesus, Darren! You’re like a horny teenager. Stop it. You’re already thirty.”

Darren abruptly stops. He looks at Andy, forgetting his hard-on for a moment.

“What?” Andy demands.

Darren’s face is literally splitting. “You know my age,” he says, and Andy rolls her eyes and punches his shoulders. Darren groans loud.

“Oh my God, don’t do that! Ellie might wake up,” Andy says.

“You punched me! It hurts,” Darren whines.

“Stop it,” Andy says as if she’s arguing with a petulant child. And it’s actually a great metaphor. Darren’s acting like a petulant child at the moment. “Walk to my room,” she orders.

“I don’t know where your room is,” Darren says and pouts. “And why won’t we go together? There’s no one around.”

Darren attempts to reach beneath Andy’s dress again but she slaps his hand away. “I have to check on Ellie first. It’s the second room to the right of the hallway. Be sure it’s the right room.”

“Ellie’s fine,” Darren whines.

“She’s my best friend and I need to check on her. Go. Your time’s running, Criss.”

Darren never runs faster in his entire life.


	19. Colorblind

**August 21, 2016, 3.43AM**

Sleep officially abandons Andy.

          She is sitting on a grandma chair outside her room terrace, staring at the dark sky that would be bright in a few hours. Her body is curled, and a thick comfortable is wrapped around her body. She has been feeling so cold, but she wants to see the first sunlight. The last time she checked the time, it was already three in the morning, exactly three hour passed after . . . it happened.

          There’s just only one thing that’s on her mind after what happened last night: It’s wrong. Everything was wrong. It was all a huge mistake.

          She let her emotions take control of her, thus bringing her into this situation.

          She was having a mind battle whether to be glad it happened or to regret that it happened. She couldn’t exactly tell. All she knew is that she never felt happy and disgusted at herself. It was all just too much.

          Andy couldn’t believe what happened inside that room. She couldn’t even remember half of what they did. All she knew was that they were both sober when they did it, and it was such a huge slap on Andy’s face. She started thinking if she all just imagined the last few hours, but the soft snore coming from inside the room made her think, _‘Oh it did happen, alright. You were sober, and you had sex, and Darren’s in a relationship. There was no excuse.’_

But they wanted it, or so Andy thought. Andy knew she wanted it, even if it’s a spur of the moment. She felt finally happy. For the first time in almost three years, she felt bliss.

~

**7.22AM**

Hickeys everywhere.

          That’s what welcomes Andy when she entered the bathroom and looks at her reflection. There are hickeys literally everywhere, from neck to collar bone. And her lips that were once soft are now sore.

          A rough night it was.

          “I’m gonna kill him,” she mumbles with a sigh.

Andy rinses her face before stepping in the shower. Just after having a hot and relaxing shower, she takes her luggage inside the bathroom without making one single noise and pick on some clothes.

          She goes down to the kitchen, expecting it to be empty since everyone went home very late last night. Her eyebrows shoot up as she sees Chris sitting on the kitchen stool over the counter.

          Chris finally notices her as she shuffles inside the kitchen. “Well, well.”

          “Why are you up so early?” she asks.

          “Why are _you_ up so early?” Chris has a knowing look in his eyes, and Andy hopes she’s not blushing.

          “I’m an early riser,” she mumbles, struggling to not be too subtle. She thinks she’s failing.

          “So am I,” Chris says. The look is still prominent, but Andy’s glad he’s not pushing. _Yet._

          She sits across Chris as it goes silent. The only protruding sounds are the waves crashing against the shore and the sound of Chris lazily flipping the newspaper in his hand, and it’s actually relaxing. Andy props her head on her hands and swings her feet off the ground. It’s a very nice ambiance, and suddenly, drowsiness begins to attack. Andy feels her eyes gradually falling, and unconsciously, she’s starting to slouch on the table.

          “So, you and Darren.” It’s evident that Chris’ words took Andy by surprise. Her eyes flatters open and she immediately looks at Chris. Chris isn’t looking at her but on the newspaper.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

          “Huh?” Andy says stupidly, trying to sound oblivious.

          Chris glances up over the newspaper and looks at Andy, and she knows he knows.

          “Nothing,” he says instead, going back to the newspaper. “I just noticed you disappeared last night at your own party.”

          Andy’s brow perks up. “Oh, that,” she says. Maybe Chris knows nothing, after all. “Ellie passed out. Darren volunteered to drive her home.”

          “And you?”

          “It’s my party, and she’s my responsibility.” Andy regrets how she sounds so defensive. Gladly, Chris doesn’t seem to mind very much.

          There is a moment. It’s not a comfortable one. A question occurred to her, and she absolutely, unequivocally isn’t going to ask it.

          “Why do you ask?” Fuck. She asked it. The mental image of a cliff edge eroding under her toes emerges in her mind.

          “Hmm?”

          _Goddamn it. Chris and his infuriating mind tricks._

          “About me and him,” she continues.

“Shouldn’t I?” he says, giving his best innocent look, but Andy knows better.

“Spill.”

“Spill what?”

“I can sense your curiosity from here, Sherrod. Spill,” she says.

Chris raises one eyebrow at her. He sighs and closes the newspaper, folds it neatly and brings it down the counter. He props his head on one of his hand. “Fine, then. Spill.”

Andy groans. Chris smirks. “Was it good?”

“What?”

“Was it good? The sex?”

Andy chokes. “Oh my God, Christopher Paul. You shouldn’t ask things like that!”

Chris laughs out loud, his whole face going pink all of a sudden. “Why? Was he bad? I always think Darren’s good. He’s just so _bendy_. So come on, AC. Spill.”

“What the fuck, Sherrod? _Bendy_?”

“He’s bendy when he dances. Is it bad to assume he’s bendy in bed?”

Andy couldn’t even begin to describe what she’s feeling at the moment. She stands and shakes her head so much she feels very light-headed. “You know what, I think I’m going to bed. This is such a horrible dream. Horrible, horrible dream.”

“Say hi to DC for me, will you?”

“You scarred me for life, Christopher.”

“Wait – you used protection, right?”

Andy’s heart suddenly stops. Did they? Did they use protection? Fuck, she couldn’t even remember. But of fucking course she’s not going to tell that to Chris who speaking of, Andy couldn’t even recognize with all the sudden bluntness. “God, stop talking. Fuck.”

Chris must’ve caught the short panic look on her face, because his eyes widened. Fuck. “Oh my God, you didn’t! Holy shit.”

Andy starts walking up the stairs. “Don’t you talk to me for the next two weeks, Sherrod. I don’t know you right now.”

“Spread love, AC.”

“Fuck you,” she shouts.

“Love you too.” And then she hears chuckles.

~

**7.40AM**

“Get up.”

          “Wha-”

          “Get up, Darren!”

          “Why? The bed’s not lava. It’s comfy. So very comfy.”

          “Darren,” Andy growls, smacking Darren’s sleepy face with a pillow.  Darren groans and finally blinks one eye open. “Chris knows.”

          “Knows what?”

          “About last night. He knows.”

          Darren’s nose scrunches. “So?”

          Andy blinks. “So?” she repeats. “Did you hear what I just said?”

          “Yes.”

          “Darren. _Nobody_ can know.”

          Darren rubs his eyes and sighs tiredly. “Look, Andy. There’s no need to panic. We’re on the same page here. Can we just agree that we have this crazy chemistry and that we love what happened?”

          “But it’s wrong.”

“Stop saying it’s wrong, Andy. It’s not.”

“Of course it is!” Andy exclaims. “If you can’t remember, then let me remind you. You have a freaking girlfriend back in the States, and she’s very lovely, and she doesn’t deserve to be cheated, Darren. Nobody deserves it. This ends now.”

          Darren stares at Andy. “What?”

          “Our time is up, Darren.”

          Darren sits at the edge of the bed and watches as Andy picks her dress from last night on the floor. “Look at me.”

          “Just go, Darren,” Andy dismisses.

          “Look at me, Andy!”

Darren’s insistent voice makes Andy snap her head up at him.

          “Look at me in the eyes and tell me last night doesn’t mean anything to you,” Darren challenges.

          Andy takes an overall look at Darren. He’s completely naked, and his hair is so disheveled. His lips look so sore, like hers – and are those hickeys on his collarbones? Darren looks so wrecked – yet so fucking beautiful.

          _Goddamn it._

          “Last night’s nothing,” Andy echoes, and she notices how her own voice crack at the end.

          Andy immediately sees the pained expression that crosses his face. “How . . . how could you say such a thing?” he says.

          Andy opens her mouth, but no words come out. She knows Darren’s expecting an answer, but she couldn’t think of one. Instead, she shakes her head and picks the toothpaste – _why the fuck is the toothpaste on the floor?_ – and proceeds to go into the bathroom.

“Just go,” she says, not sparing Darren a single glance.

There’s only silence in the room, and Andy’s assuming Darren already left quietly, but then suddenly her hands are being grabbed over her head. Andy finds herself leaning against the tiled wall of the bathroom with Darren just inches away from her face and holding her there.

“What – Darren -”

          “Why are you doing this, Andy?”

          Andy squirms, because Darren’s practically leaning against her. She’s basically trapped between him and the wall.

          “What - what are you talking about?”

          “Why do you keep pushing me away? Why are you lying to yourself?”

          “Darren, can . . . fuck - can you make a distance?”

          “God you’re so stubborn. Why do you have to be so stubborn?”

          “It’s the only thing I’m good at, apparently.”

“You know what? I don’t think so,” Darren says, his expression suddenly stony. “Being stubborn is not the only thing you’re good at.”

Andy’s eyebrows meet in confusion. She stops squirming. “I’m pretty sure you’re better at leaving without explanation,” he continues.

Andy opens her mouth but no words come out. She stares at Darren as he stares at her.

          “You don’t know anything,” she says after a few heartbeat, her voice as cold as ice.

          “I don’t think that’s my fault,” Darren spits and then pretends to mull something over. “No, I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re best at leaving without explanation. I do know that you’re best at shutting people out. You’re best at holding yourself back. You’re best at leaving. You know what? You’re best at making people’s hope high and then just leave. That’s where you’re best at.”

          “You don’t know anything,” Andy repeats, her voice full on shaking. Darren suddenly looks so guilty.

“Please,” he whispers as he leans against her forehead.

          “Please what?”

          “Please tell me last night’s not nothing to you,” he says.

          “Darren, stop. What is it to you, huh?”

          “It’s everything to me, Andy!” Darren shouts.

          Andy shakes her head violently. “No, Darren. Stop saying that. It’s wrong.”

          “How can you say that?” he exclaims, his face already getting red. And then, just for a split second, his expression changes. He slowly released his hand and stepped back away from me. He was looking at me in a different way, a look I’ve never seen in a long time.

          “If I know, it’s just some sex to you,” Andy says, and immediately, she regrets saying it. Darren’s expression is unfathomable – scary.

          Darren loosens his grip on Andy’s hand and then releases it. Darren steps back, still eyeing her. “Is that how you think of me?” he whispers. “It’s not just a sex, Andy. It’s not just sex to me.” He pauses. “I guess it is just a sex for you.” He continues staring at her with that look, and suddenly, guilt spreads through her whole body.

Andy watches as he presses his lips tightly and goes out of the room.

~

**1.28PM**

“I knew I’d find you here.”

          Andy looks up from where she is sitting and finds Chris towering over her. She offers a small smile before turning her gaze back on the ocean.

          Chris sighs before sitting on the veranda floor beside her.

          “I would like to ask if you’re alright, but that would just be stupid.”

          “I’m fine.”

          “Ah, the generic alternate of ‘I’m fucked up but I don’t want to talk about it’. Real smooth, Claveria.”

“I’m sorry,” she mumbles.

          Chris shrugs. “For what?”

          Andy looks at him.

          “You have nothing to be sorry about, babe,” Chris continues. “You didn’t do anything.”

          Andy nods but doesn’t respond. She turns her gaze back from where it is before.

          “We missed you at lunch,” Chris speaks again.

“’m not hungry,” she mumbles.

“Darren, too,” he continues. “I think he’s sorry,” Chris adds. Andy looks at him again.

          “He’s kind of angry the last time I talked to him,” she says.

          “He was sulking for the rest of the lunch. He wasn’t even eating his food, just picking on it. Whatever happened between the two of you, it must’ve been hard for him. Darren never turns food down.”

          A small smile slips Andy’s mouth, but it quickly vanishes. “He was mad at me, C.”

          “Hon, first rule. If a guy is mad, he’s not mad at you. He’s mad at what you did.”

          “I’m pretty mad at myself too.”

          “Then why did you do it?”

          “It’s all for the best.”

          Chris studies her for a minute. “How did you know?”

          Andy looks at him, but no words come out.

Chris smiles sympathetically. “I can’t really say anything, since I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you, although I have a hunch – but all I can say is sometimes, what you think is right doesn’t always end up being right. Maybe it is, but you won’t be happy in the end, and happiness always matter, Andy. You know what they say, you only live once. I think happiness should be the top priority. Fuck what they think, you know?”

“Even if you’ll hurt someone along the way? I don’t think I’ll never be as selfish as I am now.”

“I think it’s selfish that you’re depriving him and yourself about something that makes you happy,” Chris says. “And state the obvious, you make each other happy. I have never seen you so happy, Andy. And even if Darren doesn’t say anything, I think you make him so happy too.”

“He does,” Andy mumbles. “He does make me happy.”

“And the underlying question kicks in. Why left?”

          “It wasn’t the right time. I was fucked up that time, Chris. We were both.”

          “And now it’s the right time, but he has already someone else,” he states the obvious.

          Silence is apparent after, and Andy finds it rather comforting. Chris isn’t doing anything, yet his presence calms her.

          Suddenly, something ticks on Andy’s brain.

“Chris?”

          “Hmm?”

          “How did you know? How did you know it was him?” She paused. “I never told you.”

          Chris shrugs, a small smile playing on his lips. “I figured it out. You didn’t tell me, but your story did. All that was missing was a face, and when I see the look on both of your eyes, it clicks. He fitted pretty perfectly.”

          Andy nods, awed at how Chris reckons it out. “Chris?”

          “Hmm?”

          “Why did you invite him here? We know Darren’s a great singer, but I’m Fryxell’s best friend, and I know for a fact that she’s never the demanding type as well as Liam.”

          Chris looks at her. “What do you think?”

          “Liam never asks you to call Darren to the wedding, did he?”

“Thank me later.” It should have been intolerably pompous, but it isn’t.

“Oh my God. So this meeting was no coincidence. You planned all of this.”

“Guilty,” Chris says and smiles. “But only mostly. I guess the sex part last night was all your doing.”

“Oh God,” she groans. “You’ll never live this down, won’t you?”

Chris shakes his head enthusiastically.

“Seriously though, Chris. Since when did you know it was him?”

          “Since the first time I read the beard part of the story.”

          Andy laughs. “That gives it, isn’t it?”

          Chris nods. “Only Darren could pull that hobo look and still look a decent human being.”

          Andy chuckles. “I cannot believe this.”

          “You needed an extra push, both of you. I was actually hesitant at first. I feel like interfering with your relationship. But then, when I saw how Darren is just as miserable as you are, I said ‘fuck it’. This can’t be nothing. You want each other. There are no better words for describing it.”

          “Darren . . . he actually matters. He really cares about me. He’s pretty much done nothing but care about me since we’ve met. And I’ve been a total jerk. I’d messed it up. I always do. I just . . . he deserves better.”

          “Maybe he does,” Chris says. “But the thing is, he wants you. And I think you’ve already messed up as bad as you’re going to, Andy. You can still fix this.”

          Andy sighs. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s better this way. At least I’m sparing him from grieving after I die, right?”

          Chris goes silent. “Please don’t say that,” he whispers.

          “I’m sorry.”

          “Stop pushing him away, Andy. He won’t kill you.”

          “I’m pretty sure he will. Extreme emotions will, and I feel nothing but extreme emotions when I’m with him.”

          “At least you’ll die happy.”

          “I guess your right.”

“So? Why is your ass still glued here? Go find that stupid curly headed-man. And bear good and only good news when we see each other later. I’ve done so much for this love story I feel like I’m part of it.”

          “Chris, you are. And thank you for everything.”

          “My pleasure.”

~

**1.44PM**

Andy found Darren walking along the shore.

She doesn’t let her presence known. His back is facing her, and Andy smiles. She silently runs toward him and when she reaches him, she yanks his hand, spins him around and presses her lips against him.

It’s obvious that Darren’s surprised. He’s still for the first five seconds, but when he finally realizes what was happening, his hands immediately wraps around Andy’s waist and pulls her closer.

The kiss is desperate, all of their patience gone. Andy lets herself go, lets Darren pull her into this moment that she always desired, lets him want her, and finally lets him in.

For some time, the pair breaks apart, but even before words come out of Darren’s mouth, Andy beats him to it. “You can’t expect more from me, Darren. I can’t give you more,” she says, panting.

          “What’s in it for me, then?”

          “Me. This crazy ball of energy called me.”

          “Then it’s perfect.”

          And they’re kissing again.

~

**2.21PM**

Darren and Andy don’t go back to the beach house just yet. They decided to take a walk and talk. They’ve agreed on each other’s terms. They don’t really know what they are at the moment, but one thing’s for sure: they’ll never let this chance pass.

“So I’ve been thinking.”

Darren snaps his head back to Andy, who has her hands crossed together and are lying on the table. He can feel Andy avoiding his gaze, and it makes his heart thump loud. He suddenly feels nauseated. Darren’s nervous, but he doesn’t want to let it show. He decides to play it off.

“I don’t know what to feel about that, to be honest,” he teases. Andy chuckles, but remains her head down.

“Yes, I did. I’ve been thinking. I think I tend to think a lot more when I’m pissed in the morning. And most of the time I think I think better in the morning, period.” She pauses but ignores the weird look Darren has given her. “Anyway, it’s been a very interesting days, and it’s then when it came to me that my best friend’s actually going to marry tomorrow. Tomorrow. I can’t believe it.”

“Um. Okay?” Darren says tentatively. He couldn’t exactly tell where the conversation is headed.

“It made me realize something.”

Darren’s eyebrow rises. “What? You want beach weddings too?”

Andy smiles faintly. “I want to have just like one. But the beach wedding is just a bonus.” She pauses. “I just . . . a few years from now, I want to see myself just like her. With a very beautiful wedding, and a lovely man to be her husband.”

Darren watches how Andy’s face warps in a dreamy way as she speaks. He grins. “Well, I cannot fully guarantee you the beach type, but one thing’s for sure. You’ll have a lovely husband, you know, me being your fiancé and all.”

Andy’s eyebrows furrows as she finally looks at him. Darren’s eyes shifts from her face to the gold band made pendant hanging on her neck across her chest, and then to her face again. He watches as realization dawns to her. She laughs out loud.

“You kept it, I see,” Darren says, beaming.

Andy bites her lip and unconsciously grazes her finger on the ring. “I did. It’s pretty. I never had the chance to give it back to you, though.”

“Don’t,” he prompts. “Give it back, I mean. It looks . . . safer with you.”

Andy’s eyebrow shoots up. “It is safer with me. I know your relationship with your things.”

Darren scoffs. “Says the girl who lost her cousin in the mall.”

Andy grunts. “I knew I shouldn’t have told you that,” she grumbles.

“That was gold,” Darren mocks, laughing.

“Shut up,” she growls. Darren looks at her funnily, and in no time, they’re obnoxiously laughing.

“I’m tired,” Andy blurts out as they laps into an easy silence. Darren watches as the smile on her face leaves completely. Just like that, he notices how her words speak for her facial expression. She does look rather tired.

“I don’t think the food’s ready yet, but if you want you could go wait in the car and lie down?” he suggests and starts looking around for a waiter to follow their order up.

“Not that kind of tired,” Andy speaks. Darren stops looking around and finally gazes at her.

“What do you mean?”

Andy shrugs. “I’m . . . I’m really tired, you know? Just plain drained.”

“Tired of what?”

“Everything? I dunno. Tired of fighting with myself? Tired of feeling guilty every freaking seconds of the day? Tired of fighting for someone that’s never been, and could possibly never be mine.”

“What are you saying?”

Andy sighs. “You’re a good guy Darren,” she says, a small smile playing on her lips. But that smile doesn’t fool Darren. “And very awesome too. You’re like, superb at everything you do. And I’m so lucky to have you in my life. But I’m tired.”

“I make you tired?”

Andy smiles faintly and nods. “Yeah. This whole shenanigan with you makes me very tired.”

“Hold up. I actually don’t understand. I mean, what’s the whole point of all of this?”

Andy sighs again. “The whole point is that, you’re too good to be lost.”

“Gee thanks.”

Andy ignores the sarcasm in his voice. She ignores him, period. “You know, I keep asking myself, ‘Is this how my parents raised me? To destroy someone else’s relationship?’ Sometimes I stand in the mirror and be like, ‘Wow, your parents must be so proud’ with the most disgusted expression in my face because I’m a sarcastic bitch like that.” Andy laughs. Darren doesn’t.

“You are not destroying relationship.”

“How I wish I could just nod and agree, but D, we both know that that’s not the case.”

Silence is the only thing Darren can offer at the moment.

Andy sighs. “What I really want to say is that, these past few days with you, especially yesterday and that night, are probably the best moments of my life, and I don’t want it to go to waste.” She pauses. “I want us to be friends.”

“But we are friends.”

“She’s hurting. You know that, right?”

For the second time, Darren only offers silence.

“So I’ve been thinking. I really don’t want to lose you, so I thought of other options and I might actually found the best one.”

“What?”

“Well, I was thinking of drowning you, you know, just to end my misery, but then I remember you’re actually a good swimmer, so then I conclude that that one’s a shitty option. And so I thought of another one.” She pauses. “You know selective amnesia?”

“You’re going to knock me off with a large rock for the one percent possibility that I might forget you, aren’t you?” Darren deadpans.

Andy nods. “Exactly. Well no, close to that. Anyway, don’t worry, as much of a crazy person I am, I am fully aware that I could not knock you off here because first, there is no rock anywhere in sight, you idiot. Second, it’s a very public place and I don’t want to go to jail because third, if ever I’m going to go to jail I don’t want the reason to be because I killed you for fourth, it’d totally suck.”

Darren can’t help it. He’s laughing obnoxiously loud again. He knows there are a few heads glaring in his direction, but he couldn’t care less.

“Let’s forget everything,” Andy speaks after he’s done wheezing and silence settles. “Start new perhaps? I think this is for the best.”

“I’m crazy about you,” Darren blurts out.

Andy stops playing with her nails and stares at Darren. “Let’s not make this complicated than it already is.”

“For years I’ve been trying to forget it,” Darren starts. “Trust me, I did. But ever since I saw you in that coffee shop, there is not a day that I haven’t stopped thinking about you. It’s kind of ridiculous to hear, but it is the truth and I can’t help it. It’s completely out of control.”

Andy’s silent for a minute. “You fell in love with me while you’re in love with her.” She laughs. “Well that’s something.”

Darren purses his lips.

“You know, one thing I learned from all of this is that you can’t have everything you want. You can’t have both of us, you know?” Andy says.

Darren leans back on the soft chair. “You’re finally giving me an ultimatum.”

Andy raises a brow at him. “That is out of the picture, Darren. Never will I ever make you choose.”

“And why not?” he demands.

“Because.” Andy stops and sighs exasperatedly. “Because either way, your answer is gonna hurt,” she continues. “Mia is lovely, Darren. And you are very lucky to have her. I don’t want to live my life knowing I destroyed someone else’s relationship just because I spoil my own feelings.”

Darren shakes his head. He couldn’t believe what he’s hearing.

“Did you not think this is hard for me too?” he says. “I’ve committed myself to her longer than I ever thought I could commit to anyone else. If you feel bad about this, have you ever asked yourself how I feel about this too? I’m the one who’s making the wrong thing here.” He pauses and watches Andy. “But then I realized, how could it be so wrong when it feel so perfectly right?” he whispers.

Andy doesn’t speak. Darren feels frustrated at the moment.

He sighs. “Mia and I . . . we’re not in a good shape at the moment. I don’t think we ever are. Please don’t blame yourself for that.” He pauses. “Mia knows, alright? She’s a smart girl. She saw how I looked at you. But whatever’s going on between her and I is none of anyone’s business but ours. You can’t tell me not to break it off with her if it’s not working out anymore.”

“But whose fault is it?” Andy mumbles quietly.

“It doesn’t matter, Andy!” he says, clearly frustrated. “What matters is that how we are gonna resolve this.”

Andy glares at him. “Hurting her will not resolve any of this.”

“It is for the better.”

Her eyes narrow. “So you’re going to break up with her? Is that what you’re going to do?”

Darren presses his lips into a thin line. He sighs. “All I know is that I’m happier now than ever before. And I’m happier not with her.”

Andy shakes her head. “I feel so terrible. This is my entire fault.”

“Stop it. It’s not your fault,” Darren says. “It just so happens that it is you who made me realize how happier I could be. This is no coincidence. We’re made to meet for a reason. I knew it from the first time we met.”

“The problem is if it will bring positive outcome or will just give us a lesson for a mistake that is bound to happen. That’s one thing that I don’t want. Few years from now after all of this and I’ll look to your face and see pure regrets.”

Darren shakes his head. “Stop being pessimistic. Let’s hope for the better.” He pauses and grabs Andy’s hands on the table. “Listen. Hey. I disagree with you about forgetting everything. Let’s not start new. We’ve got the best memories and I don’t want to forget that.”

Andy nods slowly. “Okay,” she mumbles.

“Do you remember what I told you at the waterfalls?”

“I don’t know, you had said too many things,” she says.

“About your nightmares. Do you remember?”

Andy then smiles. “The hell with it?” she says faintly.

Darren’s eyes literally shines. “Yes! The hell with it! The hell with it, Andy. For the next few days, let’s forget everything. For once, let’s focus on what makes us happy, not on what makes everybody around us hurt. I just want to enjoy these moments with you. This is our vacation, after all.”

Andy smiles. “I like that word. ‘Our’.”

“Yeah, me too,” Darren says. His eyes shifts from her eyes to her lips and then to her eyes again. “So, may I kiss you now? Because that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do for the past hour.”

“The booth,” Andy reminds. Darren scoffs and without further ado stands and leans over the table as he connects their lips together. When Darren pulls off, he’s wearing that annoying silly grin that Andy’s grown to love.

~

**4.12PM**

Lying to themselves is difficult. Lying to their friends has been painful.

Everyone’s inside the living room when Darren and Andy arrive at the house. It’s surprisingly silent when they entered. All of them are sprawled in the separate couches, and the groups are divided weirdly. Ellie, Liam, Vince and Will sits on the long futon, and the rest are on the other side, while Jacob sits on the single love seat in the middle of them.

          Even the ambiance is tense, but even before Andy questions it, Darren already speaks. “Guys, we have to tell you something,” he says.

          “ _He_ has to tell you something.”

          Darren glares at Andy. “What? _We_ have to tell you something.”

          “Darren!”

          “Andy!”

          “You’re such an idiot!”

          “You’re a pain-in-the-ass!”

          “We already talked about this, damn it!”

          “Just fucking spit it out, you morons.” Darren and Andy stops and looks at Ellie, who looks painfully bored.

Andy clears her throat. “Well, Darren and I-”

          “You’re fuck buddies?”

          Andy cringes and Darren’s eyes almost bulge out of its sockets. “Chris? What the fuck?”

          Chris just shrugs.

          Darren clears his throat and attempts to forget what Chris just said. “What Andy’s trying to say here is that-”

“We’re dating, I think.”

          Darren glares at her over his shoulder. “You think? Real smart, Andy. Smooth.”

          Andy glares back. “Shut up!”

          Rose sighs loud enough to catch their attention. The moment of silence that comes afterwards is unnerving. “Alright guys, pay up.”

Liam and Will groans. “What, no? That wasn’t an actual bet!” Vince protests.

“Oh yes it was, don’t even try weaseling your way out of this one. And we have Jacob as witness,” Erica says, pointing her finger at Vince accusingly.

“It’s true,” Jacob pipes in. “I saw you all make the deal.”

“Oh, shut up, Jacob,” Ellie says and roll her eyes.

Darren and Andy watches as she, Will, Vince and Liam reaches into their pockets, takes a five hundred peso bill and hands it over to Rose, Chris, Erica and Fryxell, who plucks it up with a smug.

          Andy feels her eyes bug out of her head. “What the hell?”

          All of them look at Darren and Andy, as if they almost forgot they were there.

          “Oh. We bet on you two,” Rose says casually, as if she’s talking about the latest American Idol episode. “We” – she points at Chris, Erica and Fryxell – “said that you guys will be declaring your undying love for us today, and those idiots over there said you’ll wait ‘til tomorrow. Clearly we know who the better best friends here are.”

          Andy couldn’t even begin to describe her current emotional state. It’s a mix of aggravation, incredulity, relief and amusement.

          “Goddamnit, guys,” Ellie says, narrowing her eyes at Darren and Andy. “Are you really so head over heels for each other that you can’t contain it? That’s half a thousand peso, damn it.”

          Andy frowns. “But . . . how – Chris?”

          “I had my lips sealed,” Chris says.

          “What? You knew? That’s cheating!” Will protests.

          “You stated your opinions, and we stated ours, and it’s a bet. There’s no cheating here,” Fryxell muses.

          “Do you think we’re that naïve?” Erica says. “Do you think we didn’t notice those kinky eye sexes you guys are having?”

          Darren stares into space, looking vaguely ill. “Oh God.”

          “I’m gonna be sick,” Andy mutters.

          “Not to mention the lubricant that happens to magically disappear in my toiletry bag,” Ellie adds.

          Darren nudges Andy, suddenly grinning mischievously. “I knew you went there for a reason.”

          Andy looks like she’s ready to disappear from the face of the earth. “Oh my God, no, no, no, goodbye.”

          “Don’t you dare-”

          Andy doesn’t hear the next words that comes out of Darren’s mouth, because she finds herself going up to her room and is determined to choke herself with the soap.

          Luckily, Darren stopped her.

~

**8.33PM**

Letting their friends live with the new information is as embarrassing.

          That night, Vince starts a game of Never Have I Ever and, drunk, Ellie shouts, “NEVER HAVE I EVER HAD HOT SWEATY AND POTENTIALLY KINKY SEX WITH DARREN CRISS.”

          And everyone looks at Andy.

          Andy stares heavenward with a lofty sigh, then chugs the beer, and everyone laughs and shoves her into Darren’s lap and they just look at each other, clearly wondering how they managed to be friends with these idiots.

          They are apparently the least subtle at giving eye sex _ever._


	20. I Melt With You

**August 22, 2016, 9.33AM**

“Quit moaning!”

Glancing up from the menu, she finds Darren with his eyes narrowed down on the table as if it did something bad to him. “Why are you even moaning?” she asks.

          “I hate booths.”

          Andy thinks he finally lost it.

“What? No one hates booths,” she says. “That’s crazy.”

          Darren’s nose scrunches. “Okay, well, fine, booths are awesome . . . but like, when you’re with another person-” Darren pauses, “-when you’re with another person that you _like_ to be close to, you know, like touching and prodding and holding hands with and shit, it just sort of make things awkward.” Darren shrugs. “Like, how fucking weird would it be if we both sat on the same side? Facing no one? It just doesn’t make any sense.”

          “Are you seriously going to rant to me about this?” Andy rolls her eyes. “If this makes you uncomfortable, it’s your fault. If you don’t remember, you’re the stupid one who volunteered to buy breakfast take-outs for those idiots.”

          Darren pouts. “I just want to spend some time alone with you.”

          Andy tries very hard to stick on her annoyed expression. _Darren and his sweet- mostly idiotic – but still very sweet mouth._

          “We could have. In my room.”

          “But it’s weird. I feel weird,” Darren says, still pouting. “I feel like all my moves are literally being watched in that house since yesterday. I mean, I could literally feel their gaze on me. It’s fucking creepy. Chris was giving me a weird look a while ago. I feel like even if we’re already in our own room, they still know what I’m doing. It’s like I’m in the Big Brother’s house or something.”

          The truth is, Darren’s used to being watched. He knows it’s a part of the world he chooses to live in because of his job. It really surprises him how people know every move he makes or what his itinerary is for the day even before he himself knows it. But being in the same house with your girlfriend’s best friends who’re basically her family is another issue. It’s totally making him uncomfortable, and it’s really creepy. A while ago, right before he and Andy leaves the house, he went to the bathroom first. When he looks up to the mirror, he almost had a heart attack when he saw Vince standing by the door, _staring_. Darren sure as hell knows that’s not a very normal thing to do. Vince apologizes and Darren accepts it, but it doesn’t dissolve the weirdness of it.

          “They seem pretty weird, but they’re good friends,” Andy says, taking Darren off his thoughts. He looks at Andy whose eyes are glued on the menu. “And you can’t say that.”

          “Can’t say what?”

          “Girlfriend. I’m not your girlfriend.”

Darren purses his lips and averts his gaze away from Andy. He feels agitated all of a sudden. “Did I-”

“Say it out loud? Yep. You think too loud too. I can hear your thoughts from here,” Andy continues, teasing lightly.

Darren can feel his cheeks heating, but he doesn’t speak anymore. He lets the early morning madness going on inside the pancake house surround the both of them. Darren finds it rather comforting.

 “Vince has a tendency to do things like that,” Andy speaks, purposely changing the topic.

          “What? Really?”

          Andy nods. “The first month Fryxell and Liam had been dating, Vince went totally psychotic. We were all still a bit uneasy with Liam, but Vince is the worst. Maybe because he and Erica saw how Fryxell had been when her ex broke up with her, so when Liam came in the picture, Vince went on full-stalker mode and watches every move Liam makes. It went on for a few months. It’s totally crazy, but that’s how Vince is. Though I don’t think Fryxell appreciated it.”

          Darren gulps. “Few months?”

          “Yep.”

          “So for the next few months, every time I’ll be peeing, I’ll be seeing him standing by the door and watch me?”

          “Not exactly.” Andy shrugs. “We’ll only be staying here for a few more days, anyway.”

          Darren doesn’t respond. To be honest, he doesn’t really think about the future. He’s been into the present so much that he doesn’t think about anything at all. Andy makes him do that. Being with her makes him forget about everything.

          “Don’t worry, I’ll tell Vince to back off,” Andy says and offers a small smile. “I think I’ll keep you.”

          Darren grins big, all of the negative vibes he’s been feeling earlier quickly dissolves into thin air. 

~

**4.11PM**

The clock is too loud.

          The clock in the living room is always too loud, but it’s the first time that it bothers Darren.

          It’s a strange thing; the whole group sitting down on the couches and loveseats in complete silence. For nearly three days of staying in the same house with these group of people, Darren’s used to hearing noises all over the house, whether it’s Liam and Fryxell whispering on the corner, Will and Chris playfully bantering every now and then, Rose and Erica arguing over the remote, or mostly Vince and Ellie shouting because of the sudden disappearances of the food in the fridge.

This time though, there’s none of that. The whole house is in a complete silence, and it’s kind of driving Darren mad. There was never an awkward moment between them, but the air in the living room is too tense, and Darren knows exactly why.

Vince was the one who suggested it, and the moment the words left his mouth, all hell broke loose.

“You don’t need a bachelor party,” Ellie insisted.

“Of course we do! Liam does. Besides, we’re the one who’ll pay for everything,” Jacob said.

“That is not the point,” Erica said. “The point is that, the wedding’s tomorrow, and you getting the bachelor party the night before is ridiculous. We’re just looking out for you, guys.”

“The bachelor’s party’s supposed to happen the night before the wedding,” Chris stated. “Just saying.”

“But it’s not planned,” Rose said. “You guys didn’t plan for this. It just popped up.”

“It’s just a couple of drinks,” Jacob argued.

“Oh, God. This will be a disaster, I’m telling you,” Rose muttered.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Vince argued. “We’re adults. We can take care of ourselves.” Will and Jacob nods in agreement.

 “Why do you seem so eager to go out, anyway?” Ellie demanded.

“It’s Liam’s last night of freedom, alright? It’s ridiculous to deprive him of his right,” Vince said.

“No one will be going out tonight if everybody isn’t okay with it,” Erica stated. “Don’t give me that look, Vinzes Paul.”

That ended the conversation, but it caused bad mood for everyone.

Darren’s scared to make eye contacts with anyone, so he watches everybody secretly through his eyelashes. Rose and Jacob share the small loveseat in the middle of the room, and Fryxell and Liam shares the other one. On the couch opposite theirs are Will, Chris, Vince and Erica all huddled up and on their couch are Andy, Ellie and him.

Darren feels completely restless. He nudges Andy for the third time. She sighs, closes the book she’s currently reading and takes her glasses off.

“Okay, stand up,” Andy speaks. Everybody looks at her but doesn’t move an inch.

“Stand up,” Andy repeats, sounding more impatient.

“Why?” Will asks.

“Do I have to repeat for the third time?” Andy says, purposely ignoring Will. It amazes Darren’s voice holds such a note of urgency. “Stand up, you idiots!”

“Not on the floor. Stand up on the couch,” Darren warns, pointing at Jacob’s feet which are inches from the floor.

Everybody looks dubious but did as what they are told.

“What the fuck is going on?” Ellie speaks, looking annoyed.

“The floor is lava,” Darren speaks matter-of-factly. Everybody except him and Andy groans.

“What?” Chris says, deadpan.

“Come on. The floor is lava and we have to reach the kitchen or we die.”

“The floor is carpet, and you both are an idiot,” Ellie states. Darren frowns and gazes  at Andy, who looks unfazed about what Ellie just said.

“Idiot or not, I’m going to save myself from the mortal peril that is the current state of the floor,” Andy says. Darren grins.

“You’re five and stupid,” Ellie grunts.

“Follow my lead, my fellowmen,” Darren speaks and makes a jump towards the wooden table three feet away from him.

“Holy crap. That’s dangerous! You could’ve broken the table!” Fryxell exclaims.

“I’m still alive, aren’t I?” Darren smirks. “You won’t soon, though, if you wouldn’t take the risk. The couch is going to sink into the lava from your weight if you don’t get off of it. Do you want that couch to be ruined, guys? That is an awesome couch. So come on, people. Jump!”

Everybody seems humoured by the new activity introduced, because all of a sudden, they’ve become extra careful on where they’re standing.

Chuckling, Erica leaps to the next ottoman next to Vince. “This is crazy,” she says.

“I am going to be really sad if you die. Move, people!” Andy says.

“Don’t come here. It’ll sink faster!” Rose says to Ellie as she attempts to jump on the loveseat where Jacob and she are standing.

“How exactly are we going to reach the kitchen? It’s too far,” Liam says.

Darren mulls it over before finally thinking of a solution. He takes the cushion and throws it on the floor.

“Pillows and rugs don’t count as lava. Chris, hand me those cushions. You too, Andy.”

Chris and Andy comply and throw Darren the cushions on the couches one by one. He tosses one cushion on the floor and jumps to it. He looks back and sees Andy already standing on the table he was standing a while back. He wiggles his eyebrows at her before turning to their other friends.

“Alright guys, honesty hour, since we really don’t know if all of us are going to survive or not,” he says.

“I’ll start!” Vince says. “Just in case I don’t make it, always know that I love you guys. And also, Erica, it was totally me who ate the last piece of Pop-Tarts, I just blamed it on Ellie. I don’t want you to die holding a grudge at her.”

“Fuck you!” Ellie exclaims, throwing a cushion at Vince. “I bought her three boxes of those shit just for her forgiveness!”

Darren nods. “Alright. Next?”

“Me!” Andy says, raising her hand up high. “I was the one who refrigerated all your underwear on the night before my fifteenth birthday. I regret nothing.”

“Knew it,” Erica grumbles.

“I was the one who killed your fish,” Rose tells Fryxell. “But it wasn’t on purpose! I promise! I peed after feeding Gordon, and when I came back, he was already lifeless.”

Everyone gapes. “You horrible human being!”

“I’m sorry!”

“It was me who farted on our Friday movie night when we were watching Abduction,” Erica says. “I’m sorry, but I sure as hell wouldn’t admit it in front of Taylor Lautner.”

“I stole your lucky purple socks,” Chris tells Will.

“I didn’t really use your expensive shampoo three times per bath. I spilled half of it that’s why it was gone too soon,” Will say to Chris.

“I think you’re all great,” Darren says.

“Aww, Darren!” Almost everybody coos.

“I think you’re all idiots,” Fryxell admits.

“I was the one who sold your lucky boxers on eBay,” Jacob tells Liam.

“Vince, I thought you were gay for the first couple of months that we met,” Liam says.

“I don’t know about y’all, but I sure as hell don’t care about you dying. I have a wedding to attend tomorrow and I don’t want to miss it,” Ellie speaks last.

“Are we all done?” Darren says. Everybody looks at each other and nods. “Alright. Let’s finish this.”

With all the participation of everybody, Darren successfully distributed all the cushions on the floor equally. He’s the first one who reaches the kitchen’s threshold, and he watches everyone jumps from one cushion to the next until they’re all in the kitchen.

 “We made it!” Vince shouts as Liam who comes last successfully jumps to the kitchen floor. They all cheered and shout and then go for a group hug.

“That was ridiculously fun,” Erica exclaims.

“Thank me later,” Andy mumbles as she fights to breath because Darren’s squeezing her too tight.

“So,” Darren says after a couple of silent seconds. “About that bachelor party . . .”

The group hug breaks apart and Darren sees how all of them are wearing guilty looks. Fryxell sighs. “Even if it sounds completely ridiculous and pretty reckless, Vince is right.” She turns to Liam, who immediately wraps his arms around her waist. “I don’t want to deprive you of this bachelor party. You only have one, and I think I could handle one night of it. Just be sure to come back to me tomorrow in one piece, alright?”

Vince, Will and Jacob high-fived triumphantly.

Ellie scoffs. “I don’t know about you, but if there’s puke all over the floor tomorrow, you will not expect any single help from me to clean it up.”

~

**7.55PM**

“I do not want to see you crawling back home, do you understand me, Vinzes Paul David?”

Darren shares a look with Will and Chris before smirking. He cranes his neck over the couch to see Vince leaning against the wall with Erica poking him in the chest.

“Find that funny?” Darren whips his head around to look at Andy who is currently looming over him. He immediately shakes his head violently.

“No ma’am,” he says. Andy doesn’t speak but sits beside Darren on the loveseat.

          “We’re leaving in five, guys,” Liam speaks from outside. Darren cranes his neck to look at the source’s direction but he finds himself back looking at Andy.

          “Be good there, okay?” she whispers. Darren shudders as her breath hits his face. He grins and pecks Andy on the nose.

          “I’ll try,” he says coolly. Andy frowns and pokes his ribs.

          “Don’t try. Do it,” she says sternly. He grins and presses his lips with hers.

          “Okay. You’re the boss,” he says after pulling off. Andy sighs and nods in contentment.

          A loud cough breaks their moment. Darren sees Chris and Will wiggling their eyebrows at him. Darren rolls his eyes and throws a cushion on the couple’s direction.

          Five minutes passed and everybody is out. Erica’s still nagging Vince, but Darren can see that Vince seems to find it funny rather than annoying.

          “Behave,” Andy says, poking Darren’s chest.

          “Why don’t you just come with us?” he says. “It’s better for me.” He starts wiggling his eyebrows. Andy narrows her eyes but the tugging smile on her mouth gives it out.

          “It’s called Boys’ Night Out for a reason,” she says. “Don’t get too much drunk, okay?”

          “Chris, watch Liam,” he hears Fryxell say.

          “You can count on it, Fryx,” Chris tells.

          “And Vince too,” Erica adds.

          “I feel like a chaperone instead of the designated driver, but fine,” Chris huffs.

          Andy tugs Darren’s arm and his focus goes back to Andy. “Okay?” she repeats sternly. “Do you understand me, Darren Everett Criss?”

Darren nods. He leans and kisses Andy, ignoring the fact that almost everyone is looking at them. He pulls back, holds Andy’s jaw line and stares intently in her eyes. “I won’t. I promise,” he says, sincerity obvious in his voice. He kisses her cheek before following Chris and Will to the car.

“Best night out ever!” Vince whispers and nudges Darren.

Darren only grins.

~

**9.29PM**

“This sucks.”

          “I wanna go home.”

          “This is the worst idea ever. I miss my girlfriend.”

          “So, let’s go?”

          Everyone stands. “Let’s.”

~

**11.32PM**

“This looks like a bad idea, you guys.”

          Rose waves her hand dismissively. “Shush, Ellie.”

          Ellie scowls. “Are you kidding me? What if we get raped?”

          “Uh, that’s why we’re here, duh?” Jacob says, pointing to the other men.

          “Where are we going, anyway?” Fryxell says skeptically.

          They just turn off a residential street and into a parking lot that is only lit by handful of streetlights. Darren doesn’t comment, even if he feels a little uneasy. It’s before midnight, and they have a wedding to attend tomorrow. It doesn’t look like there’s anyone around except them, and he doesn’t even know where they are.

          “This is our alternate bachelor party,” Vince states. “I’ve researched a while ago after we got back that not all bachelor parties are spent with only male friends, so since our first plan was a fail, we made a back-up plan.”

          Chris raises one eyebrow. “We?”

          “Jacob and I.”

          “Um, shouldn’t I be here?” Fryxell asks.

          “You wanna go back alone?”

          “Nope. Let’s proceed,” Fryxell prompts.

          There’s a grass beneath their feet, and the night is clear enough that their way is lit by starlight. But it’s still very dark. It occurs to Darren that they’re in a park.

          They seem to walk past a large grass field, and Darren’s eyes have adjusted to the dark enough that he can see the swings and seesaws, can see a sand dune to the side, can see few picnic tables spread around.

          “Are we-”

          “What’s the best way to end the night than spending it in a playground?” Vince shouts, spreading his arms in excitement.

          “Classic,” Liam says, laughing.

          “Come on now, kids! What are you waiting for? Last one to the swings is a dud!”

          Everyone starts running, a laugh bursting out in the lot. Darren and Andy stays behind, he because he’s too surprised to move, and she because her friends are literally five year olds.

          “Oh God,” she says, shaking her head in shame.

          “Why?”

          “You have to tell them to keep quiet, otherwise the neighbors will complain and we’ll get arrested in no time.”

          Darren laughs and nudges Andy in shoulder. “We’re not going to get arrested. Wanna know why?” He leans in like he’s about to tell a secret, and Andy humors him.

          It’s silent for a few moments before Darren slips away from Andy’s grasp, and yells, “Because last one to the slides is a dud!”

          And then he starts running, and it’s not for a while when he hears Andy hurrying after him, laughing.

~

**11.39PM**

“Don’t you dare!”

          Darren only belts out a louder laugh. They’re on the seesaw, and Darren’s taking advantage of his weight as he holds his side down, lifting Andy up in the air, completely helpless.

          “Darren Everett Criss, this is not funny! Don’t you dare!”

          Andy’s voice is a mixture of both terrified and angry, but the wide smile gives it away.

          “You’re flying!”

          “I am not! This is ridiculous!”

          Darren clears his throat. “ _I used to think that I cannot go on . . ._ ”

          Andy’s eyes widen and start laughing uncontrollably. “Holy crap! What the fuck?”

          “ _And life was nothing but an awful song . . ._ ”

          Darren continues singing out loud, and soon he finds the others joining him.

          “ _. . . there’s nothing to it -_ come on everybody _\- I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky . . ._ ”

          “Oh my God, you’re such a dork!”

          They finished the chorus and ends up in fits of laughter.

          “Spread your wings, little birdie!” Ellie shouts.

          “Shut up!” Andy says.

          Darren grins like a Cheshire cat, and Andy sees it, because her eyes widen. “Oh, no, no-”

          “ _Mama told me not to waste my life, she said spread your wings my little butterfly. Don’t let what they say keep you up at night, and if they give you love, then they can walk on by . . ._ ”

          They actually finish the song, and by that time, Darren’s laughing and clapping with joy.

          “Alright. I’m scarred for life. You win. Now bring me down.”

          “Beg.”

          “Really? We’re really doing this?”

          Darren raises his eyebrows in challenge.

          “Fine. Pretty please?”

          Darren acts as if he’s seriously thinking about it. Andy groans loud.

“Only because you beg and you’re hot when you beg,” he finally decides, finally balancing the seesaw. Andy hastily gets off and trudges to Darren. She pokes him hard, and Darren groans.

          “I cannot believe you did that!” she says, poking him again.

          “It’s fun, admit it.”

          “Never!”

          “Really? Well-”

Loud laughter erupts from the corner and then, “I can’t believe I fit!”

Darren whips his head to the direction of the laughter and finds Chris and Will shooting out of the bottom of the tube slide.

          “That’s what he said!” Vince calls, busy on the monkey bars with Jacob, Erica and Rose.

          Half of them groan, and the other half laughs.

          “Wanna join them?” Darren asks, only because he finds Andy looking, and instead of answering, she pulls him towards the tube slide.

          Darren insists going into twos which results a childish banter between the two that goes:

          Darren: Where’s the fun in going solo?

          Andy: We’re going to be stuck.

          Darren: Doesn’t answer my question.

          Andy: What are you, fi- no, don’t even answer that ques-

          Darren: Five and a half. (sticks his tongue out childishly)

At the end, Andy (very reluctantly) agrees. At this point, she already knows better than to argue with a persistent and stubborn, childish Darren. Andy lays on top of Darren to actually fit down the slide. It was a struggle, but they managed to slide through the not so long tube – _not that Andy would ever admit it was fun to Darren because he will never live it down_. When the novelty of trying to fit two adult people down a slide at one time finally wears off, they start doing solo.

          After a while, they all end up pooled at the swing set, Will sitting on one and Chris lazily pushing him; Andy sitting on the other with Liam leaning against the metal that supports the swing, and the rest sitting criss-cross on the grass.

          Darren throws his head back to look at Andy, surprised to see that she’s already staring at him. He holds out his hand, and Andy takes it, blushing as she looks down at the grass.

          “Alright guys. I think it’s time to admit that clearly I’m the genius here in our group,” Vince speaks, propping himself with his elbows as he lies comfortably on the grass. “I mean, come on. Playground for a bachelor’s party? Rad.”

          “Doesn’t that make you immature?” Ellie says.

          Vince narrows his eyes. “Immature is when you suck a Starbucks Frappuccino bottle and ends up having a red violet moustache around your mouth.”

          Everyone laughs but Ellie. “Burn!”

“Oh, you did not just-”

“Hey, guys! How about a game of hide and seek?” Erica says, changing the subject abruptly.

“We’re a little old for that,” Rose says. Almost all of them frowned.

“You just spend half an hour going down a slide,” Erica points out.

Rose shrugs. “Whatever. Fine. I’m game.”

Everyone nods in agreement.

“So, who’s It?” Ellie asks, looking between them. Fryxell slowly reaches Liam’s hand; Vince and Erica touches Will’s ankle; Darren’s grip tightens on Andy’s hand as she holds her other hand to the rusted swing, the swing that technically everybody but Ellie touches. Suddenly, Ellie looks annoyed. “You guys are assholes.”

~

**11.59PM**

“Forty-fucking-eight . . . forty-fucking-nine . . . fif-fucking-ty. Ready or not morons, here I come!”

          The park is suddenly a little eerier now that the only sound that surfaces is the crickets lurking around and the howling of a dog somewhere around the residential area.

          There is no abundant amount of places to hide, but there are a lot of trees surrounding the whole neighborhood. All of the good hiding spots were taken – Erica and Vince swearing to each other in a hush whisper as they squeeze in the middle of the slide tube, Chris, Rose, Jacob and Will disappearing on the darker part of the playground area and Fryxell, Liam and Andy are nowhere in sight - leaving Darren wandering behind a huge sycamore tree, trembling in fear and anticipation.

          “Hey.”

          Darren almost shouts, only he recognizes the voice all too well. It’s dark, and he literally couldn’t see anything, but then he feels soft skin bumping against his. Darren feels the hair at the back of his neck standing as Andy’s breath hits his face. He immediately finds his hands wrapping on her waist and bumping their noses together.

          Andy silences Darren with a kiss. It caught the man off guard, but after a few seconds, he smiled into it and holds Andy tighter.

          Andy swallows twice before speaking again. “Darren?”

          “Hmm?”

          “Do you remember that night, when you told me that when you die, you wanted a do-over?”

          Darren’s quiet for a second, and then – “I do.”

          “Do you still mean it?”

          “Of course,” he says silently. “Why do you ask?”

          Andy tilts her head a bit and presses her cheeks against his. “I just want you to know, that when I die, I will demand it, too.”

          Andy can’t see, but she could feel Darren smiling. “Good,” he says, pecking her forehead. “Except for the die part. We could always do it all over again alive, so why still die, right?”

          Silence, and then - “I’m dying, Darren.”

          Darren immediately frowns, clearly not amused. “That isn’t funny.”

          “Who said I was trying to be?” Andy’s voice is quiet and serious and it makes a chill run up Darren’s spine.

          “Stop,” he says. “Don’t say that.”

Andy purses her lips and nods. “Okay,” she whispers. “Let’s just say sick then, shall we?”

          Darren’s still tensed, but when Andy wraps her arms around Darren’s neck and nuzzles her nose against his, he feels suddenly calm.

“Yes, you’re sick. And says bad jokes.” And Darren kisses her. When Andy continues to keep her lips close, Darren presses his lips firmer, sucking her bottom lip and daringly slides his tongue into her mouth.

          When they part, Andy smiles and turns around so her back leans against Darren’s chest. Darren’s arms are wrapped around her waist still, and he kisses the back of her neck, making Andy lean further against him.

          “So, are you going to tell me the name of the constellations and all that, or were you just tricking me into a make out session out here in the dark?” Darren whispers against her ear.

          Andy giggles. “Okay, let me see . . .” Her eyes wanders up, scanning the stars shining high above them. “So . . . you see those? Right there above that tall tree?”

          “Yeah?”

          “If you squint it looks like a bird, or . . .” Darren tilts his head to the side and squints his eyes. “ . . . maybe a unicorn with only one wing.”

          Andy points toward the other side, to a different group of stars. “And look, that looks like fish.”

          “I was going to say it looks like a dinosaur,” Darren mutters, frowning.

          “Darren!” Andy giggles and smacks him on the shoulder. “You’re ruining my imagination.”

          Darren bites his lip, trying to hold back his own laughter. “Sorry,” he mumbles. “But hey, see that?” He starts pointing out towards the vast sky. “If you put two and two together, they almost look like a heart.” He starts tracing shapes in the sky with his finger. “And those look like our initials inside.”

          In any other moment or with any other person, Andy wouldn’t rolled her eyes and said that was plain corny and ridiculous. Now, however, her heart does a crazy somersault in her chest.

          She turns around so she’s facing Darren again.

          “Darren?” Andy whispers.

          “Hmm?”

          “You’re a dork, you know that, right?”

          Darren fakes offense as he pulls back. “I’m thoroughly offended.”

          Andy leans her forehead against his and smiles. “You’re a dork all the way through.”

          “Yeah, I know,” Darren admits solemnly.

          Darren can’t see anything, but right at the moment, he doesn’t need any kind of light to see Andy. His heart begins to beat fast as something inside of him starts to tug.

          He can feel it. It’s strong. Stronger than anything he’s ever felt with another person. It’s this connection he has with Andy right then that is drawing him in and driving him wild. It’s what has him right here wanting to so desperately press his lips to Andy’s and kiss her until the sun sets and rises again.

          He could feel himself falling hard.

          “Andy?” he whispers.

          “Yeah?”

          “I can be everybody else’s version of Darren, but can I be your dork?”

          “Darren?”

          “Yeah?”

          “You can be my anything.”

          At that moment, Darren knows. He’s both madly in love and loving her madly.


	21. I Don't Wanna Love Somebody Else

**August 23, 2016, 4.33PM**

“I can’t believe this is happening.”

          Erica comes out of the bathroom and narrows her eyes at Fryxell. “Don’t tell me you’re getting cold feet. I’m going to kill you.”

          Fryxell fans her face with her hands and starts pacing back and forth in front of Rose and Andy who’re sitting on the bed. “I’m not! I just feel so happy and nervous at the same time. Very nervous.”

          Rose sighs in relief. “Wedding jitters. That’s normal.”

          “Well, if you’re having that, it’s not really too late to change your mind,” Ellie says, picking her nails while sitting comfortably on the vanity chair. “You still have-” She checks her watch, “Twenty seven minutes to escape this.”

          Andy stands and smacks her best friend’s head. “That is not funny.”

          Ellie glares at her and checks her hairdo meticulously in the mirror across her. “I’m just saying-”

          “You are not helping, you idiot,” Rose interjects. She stands and holds Fryxell’s arm. She starts shaking her. “You are not going to change your mind about this, alright?”

          “Guys, shut up,” Erica says. She looks at Fryxell. “Just breathe, alright? And don’t fall. I’m so going to laugh at you-”

          “-as well as the two hundred guests waiting outside,” Ellie adds.

          Fryxell’s eyes widen in horror. “Oh my God, oh my God,” she chants.

          Andy rolls her eyes. “Will you guys stop-”

Just then, the door opens, and Vince’s head pops in.

          “My, my . . .” He smiles as he walks in. He wraps his left arm on Erica’s waist, not keeping his eyes away from Fryxell. “You look beautiful,” he says with so much awe.

          Fryxell’s tense shoulder loosens and she smiles a little. “Thanks.”

          “So, are you excited?” Vince asks.

          Fryxell closes her eyes for a brief moment before opening them again and nods. “I am. Very.” She pauses. “Have you checked on Liam, too? What’s he doing?”

          “He’s been driving Jacob mad, to be honest.”

          Fryxell’s face fall. “Cold feet?”

          “Of course not,” Vince says after Erica gives him a warning glare. “Just . . . wedding jitters.”

          “Which, as Rose stated a while ago, is normal, right guys?” Andy says. Everyone nods in agreement.

          “Anyway, I just came in to check on you,” Vince says to Fryxell, and then looks at the four other girls, “And to get you four out of the room. Tita Lyn wants to have some alone time with her daughter, and we have guests to entertain outside.”

          Erica nods. “Okay. Let’s get out of here, then, shall we?”

          Everyone complies as they waltz out of the room.

~

**4.45PM**

Andy can feel Darren’s gaze on her.

          She’s talking to an acquaintance from high school that she now vaguely knows about, and being polite, she tries to keep a small conversation with him. Andy can see all her friends having chitchats with other guests while waiting for the wedding to start, so she feels the urgency to follow them.

Bill was talking about high school memories – to which Andy nods and smiles once in a while just because she feels obligated to since the topic doesn’t humor her at all, mentioning the fact that she’s not in the mood to have a trip down memory lane at the moment – when she glances a bit on her right side and immediately finds a pair of brown eyes piercing her.

          Darren’s been staring at her and at the same time trying to keep up on the conversation with someone which Andy’s very sure he doesn’t even know. She smiles a bit, because that’s _Darren_. It’s Darren and his ability to make good conversations with anyone he meets.

          Darren’s still looking, and Andy’s trying to ignore him, but she couldn’t help her eyes glancing every few seconds on his direction. He’s wearing that _smile_ \- that one smile she ever sees in Darren’s face when he’s looking at her. She feels suddenly giddy inside, because that’s hers and only hers.

Andy then notices Bill stop talking. She snaps her head back at him, and she sees him looking at her and then to Darren and then to her again.

“The husband?” he inquires, a smile playing on his lips.

          She shakes her head as she feels her cheeks flame up. “A friend.”

          “Are you sure?”

          Andy chuckles. “Why do you ask?”

          Bill just shrugs.

          “I’m not married,” Andy says, glancing back to Darren only to find him gone. Her brows furrows as she cranes her neck sideways, but she couldn’t find him.

          A hand snaking up around her waist takes Andy by surprise. Even before she can turn around to see who it was, the person speaks.

          “Hello, I’m Darren,” Darren speaks, offering his hand to Bill, to which he takes. Andy then notices that Darren steps away from her personal space, and she can’t explain further, but she admires him for that. Maybe it’s because Darren supposes it would make Andy feel uncomfortable about public display of affection whenever there are people around. How she thinks he knows that, she couldn’t possibly tell.

          “Bill,” Bill introduces.

Darren starts talking; casually making friendly conversation with Bill, and Andy watches him. She watches how Darren’s eyes widen and how his hands moves in motion. She likes how expressive his whole body gets when he talks. She likes him, period.

It’s when Bill excuses himself that she finally realizes she’s staring. Darren looks at her, and she notices how his eyes go soft and warm. He steps closer to her and holds her waist, but still keeps the distance.

“You look beautiful,” he says, and the amount of sincerity from his voice makes Andy shudder.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Andy manages to say, hip-checking Darren.

Their staring contest breaks when Dianna, the wedding coordinator, walks toward their group and announces to everyone to settle down because the ceremony’s about to start. Andy looks at Darren as he pecks her on the cheek.

“I’ll see you later?”

Darren nods and smiles. “Laters.”

“God, I hope I won’t trip. That would be so embarrassing,” she whispers. Darren chuckles as he pulls her and gives her a tight embrace.

“You’ll be fine. I’ll distract them if you did.”

Andy pulls off as her brow shoots up. “And how will you do that?”

“I don’t know, but I will, I promise.”

Andy pecks him in the lips. “Thank you,” she whispers. Darren grins and connects their lips together again. Andy’s not a fan of PDA, and she knows there’re eyes on their direction at the moment, but she doesn’t even care. She’s too busy calming her heart which is thumping so loud she couldn’t hear anything else.

A hand snatching her away from Darren brings her back to the present. Ellie is glaring at the both of them, and before Darren or Andy complains, Ellie yanks Andy away from him. “Ohmigod. The wedding’s about to start and you have the decency to lip-lock with Darren sex-on-legs Criss in front of everyone? Seriously, who are you?”

Andy rolls her eyes and frowns as she watches Darren slowly getting out of her view. She pulls her hand away from Ellie and consciously arranges her dress.

“You’re both like a horny teenager, it’s ridiculous,” Ellie continues.

“We’re not!” Andy says, gaping.

Ellie rolls her eyes. “Uh, yeah? You couldn’t even keep your hands off each other for an hour and-”

“-Okay, that’s absurd-”

“-don’t even try to deny it because I’ve been a witness since you started hooking up the other day.”

Andy narrows her eyes petulantly. “We’re not hooking up,” she whines.

Ellie ignores her. She looks around to see if anyone’s looking at them. When she realize no one is, she pulls Andy farther away from the crowd. Ellie grasps Andy in the arm and levels their eyes, which produces an awkward position for Andy since she’s five inches taller than Ellie – heels or no heels mentioned. “I’m happy for you, seriously, but I don’t think it’s healthy, not anymore. I mean, I’m just concerned, Andy. All of us are. We might not look like it, but we’re terrified. Your heart, it’s-”

“I know, Ellie,” Andy snaps. “I don’t need a freaking reminder.” Her eyes widens as she realizes how rude she sounds. She promptly opens her mouth to apologize, but Ellie speaks.

“I’m just looking out for you.”

Andy nods a few times. “I’m sorry, I-”

“I understand,” Ellie interjects softly. “Just be careful, yeah?”

“Yes. I’m sorry I snapped at you.”

“I’m sorry too, for sounding as if I don’t trust Darren, but I do, I do trust him. Darren’s like, the most affable guy I have ever met. Like, you-smile-at-him-longer-than necessary-and-instead-of-finding-you-creepy-he-sees-you-as-his-new-best-friend-type of guy. It’s just that, you can’t take away that I feel uneasy. It was all of a sudden for us, you know? One minute you didn’t know each other, the next you’re all over each other. It’s too fast, and really weird.”

“Do you trust me?” Andy says.

Ellie seems surprised by the sudden shift of the conversation. “Of course,” she manages to say and nods.

“Then believe me when I say I know what I’m doing, and I’m aware of the consequences about all of this.” Andy pauses as she purses her lips. “I know it looks as if it’s all so fast, but trust me, it isn’t. I owe you an explanation, but you won’t get it right now. Maybe later, I don’t know. We still have a wedding to attend, haven’t we?”

Ellie nods in understanding. “Okay.”

          Andy pulls her in a hug. Suddenly, she feels all warm inside. Andy feels happy, knowing that her friends care so much – too much than anticipated – but Andy’s not that hypocrite to not be grateful of it.

When they both release each other, Andy notices a few tears escaping Ellie’s eyes.  She laughs as Ellie hastily but very carefully wipes them away.

“Why the hell are you crying?” Andy says even if she feels her eyes betraying her too.

“It’s just that . . . Fryxell’s getting married and you finally found love. I’m just so happy.”

Andy chuckles and flicks the tear from escaping her eyes. “Well it’s going to ruin your make-up. You don’t want that, do you?”

Ellie immediately shakes her head. They compose themselves hurriedly and then walks hand in hand towards where their three other best friends are already standing. Andy nods towards them as she goes to her place.

“Showtime.”

~

**7.44PM**

Andy feels cold.

          The night is still young, and the reception is packed. Even still, Andy feels cold. It’s keeping her tense, coiled-up, ribs achingly tight despite the exhaustion settling into her bones. It’s been a very tiring day.

          Andy almost jumps when she feels two arms come around her, wrapping around her chest. Suddenly, there’s a chin on her shoulder, and warm breath on her neck, and it feels incredibly good in contrast to the sporadic wash of the cool air.

          “You,” Darren’s voice says from the step behind her, “are freezing.”

          Andy sighs and feels suddenly relaxed as the heat from Darren’s chest spreads across her back. She settles her arms on top of Darren’s, and just like that, a hand rubs hers rapidly, trying to generate some kind of warmth.

          “And you are toasty warm,” she says, finally turning around to face Darren. “Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you.”

          “Backstage,” he says, pulling her close to him. He holds her waist as Andy leans into him. “I did a last-minute check for my number later.”

          Andy hums. “When are you up?”

          Darren pulls away and checks his invisible watch closely. Andy rolls her eyes, but the smile on her lips gives it away. “In like, five minutes.”

          Andy pouts. “Too fast.”

          Darren chuckles lowly. “Don’t worry, after my prod, I’m yours.”

          Andy hums contentedly. “You better be,” she whispers lowly. She tugs Darren’s polo shirt by the collar as she presses their lips together. They kiss leisurely, and Darren starts moving slowly even if the background music is not for slow dancing. Andy smiles at the kiss when she realizes what Darren’s doing. She pulls off even if Darren whines.

          “I’ve never slow danced before,” she says.

          “Of course you did. We did. Don’t you remember?” Darren’s mouth twitched and his eyebrows rise in a teasing way. “Oh wait, of course you didn’t. You were too drunk to remember.”

          “Yes, I was drunk that time.” Andy could see where the conversation is going. “Don’t even try to bring the stupid-”

          “Stupid? Is that how you talk to Snuggles? You’re hurting _his_ feelings!”

          Andy face palms. “Ohmigod. You’re such a dork. I can’t believe I’m made to put up with you.”

          “Please,” Darren says and rolls his eyes. “You love me.” Darren then realizes what he just says. “I mean Snuggles. You love _him_.” He pauses as he watches her reaction. “Right?”

          Andy bites her lower lip as she observes Darren. He looks so hopeful with those ridiculous wide eyes, and Andy wants to smack and kiss him for being so damn adorable.

She realizes Darren is expecting an answer. She opens her mouth to respond but then is beaten to it by Will.

“Darren, you’re up, man,” he informs. Darren sighs and nods. He looks down at Andy through his eyelashes. He kisses her briefly, warm and sweet.

“The song’s written for you, if you’re wondering,” he whispers.

Andy feels all the air is knocked out of her lungs as she stares at Darren. Suddenly, her heart starts beating abnormally fast. “You wrote a song . . . for me?”

          Darren smirks. “Well, you wrote a book for me. I think it’s even.”

          Andy’s jaw drops. “You-”

          “Laters, baby,” he says and winks before following where Will went.

“Darren,” Andy calls. Darren looks back with an expectant look in his face. Andy smiles. “I love _her_ too.”

~

**7.52PM**

_Oh, I built a world around you. . . Oh, you had me in a dream; I lived in every word you said . . ._

“Where have you been? We’ve been looking for you.”

Andy doesn’t respond. She couldn’t. She slides down to her chair, her eyes not leaving the man standing in front of the stage, pouring his heart out over that one song that’s meant for her.

 

_The stars had aligned . . . I thought that I found you . . . And I don't wanna love somebody else . . ._

“Andy? Hey, you okay?” Erica whispers, nudging Andy. She finally takes her focus on her best friend, who is currently looking at her with concerned eyes.

Andy shakes her head in a response.

 

_Oh, we left it all unspoken . . . Oh, we buried it alive, and now it's screaming in my head . . ._

“Andy, hey. What happened?”

Andy doesn’t know she’s crying until Erica’s hastily wiping the tears flowing.

_Oh, I shouldn't go on hoping . . . Oh, that you will change your mind and one day we could start again . . ._

“Andy, speak,” Erica says as she rubs Andy’s back softly.

“Oh, God. Oh, God,” she whispers, bringing her hand to her mouth. She can feel herself shaking as the tears flow. The realization goes down to her too fast and she suddenly couldn’t breathe.

 

_Well I don't care if loneliness kills me . . . I don't wanna love somebody else . . ._

Andy looks back to Darren, who’s already looking at her with concern covering his face. Andy wants to tell him that _it’s fine_ , she’s fine.

But she doesn’t, because she isn’t.

 

_Oh, I thought that I could change you . . . Oh, I thought that we would be the greatest story that I tell . . ._

“Andy, please speak, are you okay? Do you need something?”

_Do you need something?_

Erica’s question hangs in the air for a moment and then lands in the pit of Andy’s stomach.

_Do I need something? No, I don’t. Everything is wonderful. That’s absurd. Why would I need anything?_

“Andy, please speak,” Erica pleads.

 

_I know that it's time to tell you it's over . . . But I don't wanna love somebody else . . ._

“I love him.” Andy gasps as the words leave her mouth. She looks at Erica with a very scared look. “Oh, God. I love him. I love him Erica.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“I love him, and I’m dying.”


	22. Wanderlust iii

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**PART**

**THREE**

**| 2 0 1 8 |**


	23. The Fault In Our Stars

**April 14, 2018, 2.42PM**

Everything’s the same.

          Andy has been watching the shadows grow longer and darker ahead of the truck as the sun shines even brighter. The windows are rolled down and the fuzzy white dice hanging on the mirror swings back and forth in the cool breeze that whipped through the truck. She watches as the sceneries changes before her eyes in an unimaginable speed.

          Everything’s the same. She never really thought she’ll ever see Sierra County again. Especially with Darren.

          Darren.

Darren, who she left at her best friend’s wedding without notice one year and eight months ago. Darren, who she left for the second time. Darren, who she loved but still left. Darren who she left, period.

          Andy secretly glances at Darren for the nth time and it’s getting ridiculous because she’s pretty sure Darren already knows it. She’s just glad that even if he does, he doesn’t comment about it. It would cause so much awkwardness than it already is.

Thirty two fits Darren, Andy notices. The circles under his eyes are gone, and she notices his mouth is creased with laugh lines. His hair is shorter but still wild. His skin is tanner than usual, and all in all he looks more mature.

The truck must hit a bump, because it jolts, making Andy realizes that she’s not just looking. She’s already _ogling_. She grips the rolled window tightly and composes herself.

“It’s ridiculous,” Darren speaks. “This road has been under construction for months, and it’s still not yet done. And it’s highway.”

“I’m sure there has to be a reason.”

Darren doesn’t speak for a moment. “Of course,” he finally says. “Everything has.”

Andy decides not to talk anymore.

She then wonders when everything becomes so awkward between them. Andy thinks it shouldn’t be this weird. She’s gone years without seeing an old friend before and they picked right back up where they left off. But this feels different. This meeting with Darren feels like there’s something missing. There’s an obviously unbridgeable gap between them where once there was something genuine and tangible.

Suddenly, it all comes back to her. Two days prior, when she first saw Darren again after almost two years of separation.

~

**April 12, 2017, 4.43PM (2 days ago)**

“Triangle.”

          Andy finished the sentence she had been writing before giving her three year old nephew a small glance. She brought her pen down and studied Earl for a second. He was standing by the door, holding what seemed to be a yellow Lego brick.

          “Rectangle,” Andy corrected.

          “Triangle,” the stubborn toddler repeated.

          Andy smiled. “E? What did I tell you? Triangle has three sides. Rectangle has four. Tell me, how many sides are there on the Lego?”

          Earl seemed to mull it over. “One, two three, four,” he said and giggled, clearly proud of himself. Andy let herself out a chuckle at how adorable the kid is.

          “Down,” Earl then said.

          “Go,” Andy ushered softly.

          “No,” Earl had whined. “Down.” He walked to Andy and started pulling her hand.

          “You hungry?” Andy assumed, brushing her notebook away from her lap as her small yet strong nephew tugged her hand more forcefully.

          “Hungry,” Earl repeated in confirmation. Andy struggled on wearing her flip-flops hurriedly before finally letting the kid pull her down the stairs. She leaded the tot straight to the kitchen and let him sit on his potty chair.

          “What do you want?” Andy said, rummaging through the fridge, eyeing for ice cream in particular. The kid _worships_ ice cream.

          She pulled the tub out of the fridge and looked back only to find the chair empty. “Earl,” she called, scooping a fair amount of ice cream on a plastic bowl.

          “Triangle!” Earl emerged in the kitchen once again. Andy gave her nephew another glance and then stopped when she noticed the toddler wearing a pair of eyeglasses in which Andy’s sure wasn’t hers.

          “Where did you get that?” she said, reaching him.

          “Triangle! Triangle!”

          Even before Andy could react, she was again being tugged by her small nephew. This time, they were seemed to be headed to the living room.

          “Whoa. Slow down there, champ,” Andy mumbled.

          She stopped dead in tracks when she realized the living room wasn’t empty.

          Darren was sitting on the hard wooden chair, amusement clearly spread on his face. Even before any of them spoke, Earl ran back inside the kitchen.

          “Earl . . .”

          Darren’s ridiculously _triangle_ (Andy would have been laughing so hard about her nephew’s reference to Darren if she wasn’t so shocked) eyebrows shot up. It seemed to knock out the tension in Andy’s body that was holding her so unnaturally still. “I know it’s been a while,” he said, finally standing up but never taking his eyes off Andy. “But I never thought you’d forget my name.”

          Andy felt her cheeks burning hot.

          “No . . . I . . . Earl, he-” Andy clenched her fists at her sides and Darren raised one eyebrow, clearly amused at Andy’s discomfort.

          Earl emerged back to the living room, holding the plastic bowl Andy was filling with ice cream a while back. He went to Darren and Darren immediately pulled him onto his lap as if they do it every time.

          “What were you saying?” Darren said.

          “I’m sorry,” Andy blurted out. Darren’s jaw tightened for a moment, but then brushed it off easily.

          “For what?” he said, softly bouncing the now busy eating ice cream toddler in his lap.

          “Earl, he’s not usually like that,” Andy explained.

          “Like what?”

          “Touchy, especially with strangers.” She paused. “What are you doing here?”

          Darren paused for a second before sighing and meeting Andy’s eyes.

          “Something came up,” he said. “Something bad.”

~

**2.53PM (Present time)**

The truck door hammering brings Andy back to the present. She looks at Darren and finds him looking at her with a curious expression while standing outside the truck.

          “You coming?” His voice is so calm, nonchalant even.

          Andy looks upfront and finds herself in front of Frank and Cecile’s house at the back of their coffee shop. She doesn’t even realize they were already pulling on the lot, and just by looking at the front house does weird things on Andy’s stomach. The feeling of fright surfaces most. It’s been years, four to be precise, since she last saw this house. Staring at it brings a lot of memories. Andy doesn’t know how to feel about that.

          She notices Darren still looking at her, waiting for her movement. She composes herself and nods. She goes out of the truck and follows Darren inside, bracing herself for what will welcome her.

          Andy’s surprised when she finds that nothing has changed in the interior of the house. That’s the first thing she notices as she enters. The furniture is still where it’s been placed four years ago. Everything seems normal.

          Except that it isn’t. Andy knows there’s something wrong. She could feel it. It just doesn’t feel right. It looks fine, but the ambiance and aura is clearly not the same anymore.

The feeling of loneliness surfaces.

          “Where’s she?” Andy mumbles, grazing her finger at the top shelf where pictures and figurines are placed.

          “Probably sleeping,” Darren answers. Andy looks at him and watches as he shrugs his jacket off his shoulder and slumps it on the back of the couch naturally. “She’s usually sleeping at this time of the day.” He glances back at Andy. “You hungry?”

          “Thirsty,” Andy says. Darren nods and heads to the kitchen. Again, Andy follows. She seats on one of the chair silently and watches Darren get the pitcher out of the fridge. He swiftly pulls out two glasses and pours water on each of them on the counter.

          “I’ve been meaning to ask,” Andy says tentatively, laying her tangled fingers on the table. “How long have you been visiting here?”

          “Staying,” Darren corrects, not looking back to her. “Six months, I think? I’m not sure.”

          “Why?”

          “What why?” He brings her glass on the table and steps back to lean on the sink.

          “Why did you go back?”

          “Because I want to,” Darren says coolly. “I’ve grown to love the place.” He watches Andy as he plays the ice cube on his mouth. “How’s your health doing?”

          Andy blinks. She’s a bit taken aback by the sudden shift of the conversation. “What?”

          “Your health,” Darren repeats, sparing Andy a glance. “How’s your health?”

          “My health’s doing fine,” Andy says slowly, feeling weird about the question that just popped in.

          “Your friends told me, you know,” he says. Andy hated how ‘your’ word rolled out of his tongue so swiftly. Andy saw how Darren and her friends bonded, and it makes her sick that she somewhat destroyed what’s supposed to be a blossoming relationship between him and very nice people.

          “What?”

          “About your health,” Darren says patiently. “They told me.”

          Andy looks down at the unmoved glass of water on the table. “What exactly did they tell you?” she mumbles.

          Darren shrugs. “Vague information. Said they’re not in the place to tell me, but told me anyway. Said I had the right to know.”

          “You had,” Andy prompts.

Darren nods. “So why didn’t you?”

          Darren looks so much at ease, casually leaning there. Andy wishes she could be _that_ casual too. She’s pro at being casual, but it seems not working today, right now.

“I don’t know,” Andy answers.

Darren’s eyebrows shoot up. “Don’t you think I deserve more than that?” he says, smiling – _why the fuck is he smiling?_ – calmly. “I mean, it’s been, what? Two years?”

“It’s not important,” Andy says. Darren doesn’t push anymore. He only stares at her. Andy feels uncomfortable with the silence. Finally, he shrugs nonchalantly.

“Whatever you say,” he says easily, finishing the water on his glass and brings it to the sink. “I think I’m going to check on Cecile,” he adds, sparing no glance at Andy as he walks out.

          Andy closes her eyes, breathes and stands. “Darren.”

          She sees how his back suddenly tenses, but he does a very good job shrugging it off so easy. He looks back and waits for whatever she has to say.

          “I’m sorry.”

          Darren’s eyebrow shoots up. “For what?”

          “Everything.”

          Darren shrugs dispassionately. “It’s fine. Just forget everything.”

          His last words hit her so hard she stumbles back and grips the side of the counter.

~

**11.44PM**

Andy couldn’t sleep.

She’s sprawled in the unfamiliar bed, just thinking.

Cecile woke up an hour after the most awkward conversation between her and Darren. She couldn’t bring herself to follow him in Cecile’s room, so she sat on the kitchen chair and mulled over about how and when her life became so messed up.

Andy was surprised when Cecile came in the kitchen and the first thing she did was to hug Andy. Automatically, she found herself embracing Cecile just as tight as she does. She closes her eyes for seconds, cherishing the moment and realizing how much she missed this very kind woman who adopted her and Darren for a few days very willingly. When she opened her eyes, she found Darren leaning against the kitchen door just a few feet across her, looking at her with an unfathomable look in his face. When their eyes met, he quickly composed himself and looked down the floor while casually leaning against the kitchen door.

Andy was first scared to talk to Cecile because she doesn’t exactly know what to tell her. It had just been a week since she lost her husband, and although Andy knows how it felt to be left by someone she loves so dearly, she doesn’t know how to make things less hard. She doesn’t know how to show her empathy, and she just hopes Cecile could feel it.

Instead, Andy just talked about the things that happened to her for the past few years, and just like that, they fell into an easy conversation. Andy was very glad that even if something dreadful happened recently to Cecile, she was still the same old Cecile that she’d grown to love. She was so strong, and Andy admires her for that. Andy reminisced when she was in the situation with her father’s death and realized she couldn’t even remember what she’d done a week after his funeral.

All throughout the talk, Darren was painfully and unusually quiet. He was sitting on the bar stool, just watching them. Whatever he wanted to say was kept inside of him. Andy purposely ignored him, because in all honesty, she couldn’t really decipher the feeling she was currently having towards the conversation she had with him a while back.

          Andy sighs loud. She feels restless even after a long trip. She wants to sit and write, but she knows nothing will come out of her brain. It’s too clouded, and if ever something came out of it, she’s sure it’s not sensible. Andy’s too antsy, too jittery. She’s crawling out of her own skin. She’s itching to go for a drive or something, but instead she finds herself grabbing her phone and calling the all too familiar number in her contact.

Fryxell answers on the third ring.

“I don’t want to forget.” The words stumble out of Andy’s mouth so easily.

“Hello to you, too.”

Andy can already imagine her best friend propping herself up on the bed’s headboard carefully while supporting the growing baby bump on her stomach.

“I don’t want to forget, Fryx. I don’t.”

She hears Fryxell sigh. “How are you, Andy?”

“Still alive.”

The other line goes silent for a second. “That is not funny,” Fryxell says.

“I’m sorry,” Andy says.

She can’t see, but Andy knows Fryxell’s rolling her eyes. “Well?”

Andy can hear a hundred follow-up questions in that one word. “Well what?” she hedges.

“You called me, meaning you have something to tell me.”

“Can’t I call you without any ulterior motives?”

“Why is that the first thing you thought to say to me?” Fryxell pauses. “No. Don’t answer that. How’s he?”

Andy’s not at all surprised that her best friend knows what’s been happening even before she tells her anything.

“Fine? I don’t know.”

“How was it?”

          Silence.

“Andy?”

“I don’t know,” she says with an exasperated sigh.

She hears Fryxell exhale deep. “Start from the beginning? Tell me everything.”

“There’s not much. We didn’t really talk.”

“Why not?”

“How’s Tricia? Liam?” she averts instead.

“My family’s fine. Why not?” Fryxell’s using her authoritative voice – that one voice that makes Andy feels very agitated.

“Maybe because I’m still surprised that we’re here back where it all started? It’s almost two years, and I couldn’t even say anything useful to him.”

Andy rubs the back of her neck unconsciously as she paces around the room.

“You should,” the woman on the other line says.

“What?”

“Say something.”

Andy sighs exasperatedly. “Like it’s that easy.”

“Isn’t it?”

“Of course not. Seeing him, it does stuff to my heart.”

“Bad stuff?”

“Stuff. And any stuff is bad.” Andy sighs. “I just don’t get it. What’s the point of all these?”

“Second chance?”

“My second chance had passed, remember?”

“Third chance, then. Third time’s the charm, they say.”

“I doubt anything will come of this. It’s all too fucked up.”

Fryxell only drones. “What are you doing?”

“What?”

“What are you doing?”

“Talking to you?”

“I don’t need this right now.” It’s the first time Andy noticed her friend sounding so weary. Maybe growing another human on her belly does that to women.

“Sitting, alright? It’s before midnight here.”

“Yes. And it’s noon here, and I’m pregnant, and you calling me at this time of the day where it’s ridiculously hot don’t do anything good to me or to my baby.”

“I’m sorry,” Andy mumbles.

Fryxell sighs. “I know.” She pauses. “He still cares, you know?”

“You’re in no position to tell me that.”

“Actually, I do. He’s been keeping it touch with all of us, if you must know.” There is smugness on her voice.

“You did?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It wouldn’t change things, would it?” Fryxell says quietly.

Andy doesn’t answer that. It’s painfully obvious.

“Well, how could you say he still cares?” she says. “He couldn’t even look at me.”

“Exactly. He couldn’t because you still have that effect on him even though you fucked him up so bad-”

“-I-”

“-and even after all the bullshit you put him through, that man loves you so much he was willing to give you a third chance, and that’s a hell of a lot more than anyone has given to another person.”

Andy waits for the inevitable ‘but’.

“But he’s denial,” Fryxell says.

“He is?”

“Of course he is. He has pride and he’s tired. He’s tired of this, like all of us. But even so, he still loves you. And you still do, right?”

“It never really changed,” she whispers.

“You know, I never really understood you,” Fryxell says after a moment. “Call me a bad friend, fine, but I can’t make myself fully understand you even if I want to. He’s great for you, you know that, right? You’re both great for each other. I’ve seen that for a short period of time, but I know. And you do, too. And then suddenly, you were gone once again. Just like that. And it’s fucking maddening. I don’t know if anyone has told you this, but you’re fucking selfish. I know I can say that because I’m pregnant and I’m in a fragile state so you can’t shout and be mad at me.”

“I didn’t run away for myself, Fryxell.”

“I know that, but I will never understand. You could have talked to him about it. You don’t need to run away from us. You could be happy, you know?”

“What makes you think I’m not?”

“Stop that bullshit. We all know you aren’t.” Not only does Fryxell sound angry. She’s also disappointed, resigned even.

“It’s all for the best,” Andy mumbles quietly.

“Fuck that. Is it? Is it really? You always say that, but did it do any good to your life?”

“Well, I’m still alive, and he seems doing fine.”

“Fuck. You’re so naïve.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you fucking are.” Suddenly, Fryxell’s voice goes brasher and livider. “I’m tired of this bullshit. For once, think about him. Think about the struggles he’s been through because of you and your peculiar desire to leave without telling anybody. I’ve never really told you, but I fucking hate you for leaving at the night of my wedding. You could’ve fled the night after, I wouldn’t care. But no, you fled as he sung that beautiful song he wrote for you. You’re so fucking selfish. You didn’t just leave. You also took Darren’s heart with you. You do know how it feels to be left, right? Well guess what, he’s been dealing with that feeling over and over again for the last two years.”

Suddenly, Andy’s angry. “Don’t you dare talk to me about loss.”

“Why not?” Fryxell snaps back. “You’re not the only one who lost someone so stop this stupid fucking pity party of yours now. I lost my fucking best friend. Darren lost his girlfriend. You lost your father, but the thing is, he will never come back and you have to accept that fact, whereas Darren shouldn’t and you cannot fucking blame him for it because you’re still fucking breathing and there’s just so many chances left for the both of you. Just fucking think about it for once, Arella.” Fryxell pauses. “Goddamnit. You’re making my morning sickness come back, and it’s not even morning.”

Fryxell’s words cut through Andy so bad she literally felt the pain.

Silence stretches between them, but Andy can hear Fryxell catching her breath after the rant.

She wants to be mad at Fryxell. She’s itching to snap back at her, but they both know what she said is all pure truth, and Andy must accept that. She knows Fryxell doesn’t really want to sound rude, but Andy’s thankful nevertheless. She needs it, and she knows it. She’s even anticipating the snapback. She just doesn’t assume it from Fryxell.

“Thank you,” Andy says, and she means it a lot.

“You owe me so much, you know that?”

“I know,” Andy mumbles. “I’m sorry for everything.”

“I am, too.”

Andy hung up after that and sighs.

Everything’s the same.

And at the same time, everything isn’t.


	24. Wait For Me

**April 15, 2018, 10.33AM**

The trip going to Flora’s is spent silent.

          It’s not that Andy’s complaining. Truth to be told, she had gotten zero sleep the night before, and the silence is not that uncomfortable to begin with. It’s sort of relaxing, even if there’s still a tension inside the truck.

          The conversation with Fryxell kept her awake all night. Out of all the people, she never expected Fryxell to say those words to her. Fryxell’s the quietest in their group. She doesn’t talk much. She’s always invested in her phone, and sometimes she’s easy to forget when they’re all having fun conversations. But then, Andy realizes that the quietest people often speak the most sensible things, and it finally made sense to Andy. Fryxell’s rant was a very effective wake up slap in her face. She’d never felt more relieved than ever. Fryxell’s words stung so badly, but at the same time Andy felt as if everything’s finally clear.

          “So I’ve got a gig tonight,” Darren stars, pulling Andy out of her reverie. “You could come if you like.” He tilts his head inquiringly, and Andy wishes his face isn’t so hard to read. Darren’s eyes are the same hazel green they’ve always been, but now they’re all fortified.

          “Where?”

          A look flicks across Darren’s features too quickly for Andy to classify, and the weight in her stomach grows heavier. She once thought she knew Darren’s face so well.

          “Phila,” he answers. “You should come.”

          “Phila?” Andy repeats.

          Darren nods. “Vincent and Jeremy are pretty fine with me singing in the restaurant twice a week.”

          “Pretty fine? I think they’re more than glad. I remember them being so whipped when they saw us . . . you.” Andy suddenly feels her cheeks burning.

          Darren doesn’t speak anymore, and Andy is just so glad that they’ve arrived at their destination early enough for her to stop making more fool of herself.

          The truck goes still as Darren takes the keys off and jumps out. Andy silently follows him.

          The strong smell of flowers welcomes Andy as she goes in the shop. Nothing has changed inside. There are still dozens of beautiful and freshly picked flowers around. She sees Darren goes straight to the counter where he starts chatting up with the familiar woman assigned. She follows him slowly, accidentally catching a few words of their conversation.

          “-been doing? Poor Cecile. I still can’t believe it,” Flora says.

          “She’s fine. I don’t think she’ll ever be the same, but she seems doing better than I expected,” Darren answers. By that time, Andy reaches the counter.

          “Hi,” she greets.

          Flora’s face literally lights up. “I remember you,” she says and smiles.

“You do?”

“Of course I do!” she says enthusiastically. She wiggles her eyebrows at Darren teasingly. “You finally did it, I see?”

          “Did what?” Andy couldn’t help.

          “It’s nothing,” Darren prompts, dismissing the topic. Andy feels the sudden tension around the room. She knows something’s being kept from her, maybe a secret topic she isn’t supposed to know. She understands. She just wishes she can ignore the bitter feeling inside.

          “So, the usual, DC?” Flora says, averting the conversation. Darren nods and turns to look at Andy.

          “You want something?” he asks. She presses her lips into thin line before shaking her head and turning her face away before they notice her eyes watering. _Goddamn it._ Andy closes her eyes to prevent the unwanted tears from falling.

          “I think I’ll wait in the truck,” she mumbles, already walking away without looking back. She pushes the glass door and as she goes out of the shop and leans against the building’s white wall, taking deep breaths.

          “ _Fuck._ ” Andy angrily wipes the tears hastily. She hates this feeling of sudden vulnerability. She doesn’t want to get emotional and she hates that she can’t help it.

_Fuck feelings._

Andy breathes and remembers the last time they’ve gone there. Darren had asked her to wait in the car, and when he got back, he’d bought her a tulip. It was the first time someone gave her a flower, and Andy remembers herself feeling so happy. Darren, the blabbermouth yet sweet guy she’d met for only three days gave her a yellow tulip. Andy was surprised at the gesture. She wanted to show appreciation, but her guarded side kicked in, so instead of making it a big deal, she shrugged it off as if it was nothing, but deep inside, she was screaming with glee. Someone gave her a flower, and the fact that she didn’t ask for it was enough for her to have mental breakdown deep inside.

          Andy feels pathetic, but those three words from Darren jerked Andy’s heart so hard. It was a simple fucking question, and she got so sensitive all of a sudden. She’d already taught herself to not do that, because that’s what her doctor said. She had to prevent herself from being so delicate, but the emotion she’s having comes down so hard and she can’t contain it any longer.

          The bell indicating someone went out of the shop took Andy out of her reverie. She realizes Darren doesn’t notice her, so she takes the time to compose herself quickly.

          “Hey,” she says. Darren almost jumps at the sound of her voice.

          “What are you doing here?” he says. “I thought you’ll wait at the truck?”

          “It’s locked,” she lies.

          Darren looks at her, amused. “You know the window’s rolled down and you can pick the lock inside, right?”

          Andy nods, embarrassed. “Idiot,” she mumbles.

          Darren chuckles softly as they both goes in the truck.

          Andy tries to ignore her heart sinking when she realizes there’s no yellow tulip bought for her.

~

**11.03AM**

Of course, the tears start to flow once again.

          It’s embarrassing, really. She knows she shouldn’t show any of that in front of Cecile, but she couldn’t help it. Right after they bought the flowers, they head back to the house to pick her. They’ve waited for a few more minutes in awkward silence. Finally, Cecile emerged from her room and they headed straight to the cemetery.

          Frank Damien was buried just beside Nico and Karen. Andy watches Cecile slowly kneels down next to her family and puts flowers onto it. She doesn’t say anything. She just sits there and wipes the silent tears that are flowing.

          Andy and Darren stands behind her, with Darren keeping the distance between the two of them. Andy hugs herself, feeling very lonesome all of a sudden.

          She doesn’t even notice that she’s crying until Darren pats her back awkwardly and hands her a few tissues. She grabs it and hastily wipes the tears away.

          “Damn,” she breathes, trying to make it lightly by laughing. Only that she sounds choking.

          “You okay?”

          She shakes her head and finally gives in. She sobs as Darren continues patting her at the back. “I’m sorry.”

          “For what?”

          “I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I’ll wait outside,” she ushers, turning around and walking out.

          Just like going to the cemetery, the drive back home is spent in silence.

~

**7.33PM**

“Cecile’s tired, so she won’t go,” Darren informs as he appears from the hallway. His hair is damp and he’s changed into a nice pair of jeans and a slightly wrinkled button down.

          Andy nods. “Okay.” Her hands are shaking and her heart is pounding. If Darren noticed, he doesn’t ask.

          “You ready?” He grabs a set of keys from the kitchen counter.

          “Yep.”

          Darren nods shortly and gives Andy a fleeting look as though he’s just made a decision about something he wasn’t quite sure of. He hastily looks away and shakes his head, and just like that, the look disappears.

          Andy follows him outside and around the driveway where Frank’s fairly beat up green pickup truck sits. Andy wants to ask about it, but then she figures it all out with herself that Frank probably gave it to Darren before he passed away.

They get in the truck and pull away from the house. She watches in the side view mirror as the house disappears from her vision. Andy then wonders at what Darren’s life seems to have become since they separated.

          The drive into downtown is abnormally silent. Questions emerge everywhere Andy turns. There are so many nonentities and Andy can’t even fathom where to begin. The desired queries sit thick in her throat, struggling to get out all at once.

          But it didn’t.

          Instead, Andy watches out of the window at the unacquainted sceneries and pretends like she can’t smell Darren’s cologne in the close borders of the truck.

~

**7.48PM**

Phila’s the same, just like everything else.

          Andy wonders if something has changed in Sierra County. Whatever transformation happened in the small shire, it isn’t very noticeable.

          The restaurant’s still the same like Andy remembers, except the now more pronounced stage in front. There’s still the black, shiny piano in the corner which shines with a promise under the spotlights.

          It’s been approximately two minutes since they entered and Darren has already acknowledged and waved to a dozen of people inside that he clearly recognizes. Andy isn’t surprised by the situation. Darren has always been good at making acquaintances as friends, whoever they are.

          Darren leads them to a little table at the back, tucked away and as sheltered as can be in such an open restaurant. Andy isn’t sure if she’s appreciative about the fact that Darren chooses to seat farthest away from the table they had seated the last time they got here.

          Andy goes to pull her chair out and sits primly. Darren does the same.

          “My shifts starts at 8,” Darren says after things are getting awkward when they’ve been sitting at the table not looking at each other for a moment too long. “But I’m getting a drink first and say hi to some people for a moment. You want something?”

          Andy glances around and finds few people looking clandestinely at their table, but she can’t tell if they’re looking at her or Darren. Or maybe both of them together. She ignores the thought that maybe they’re not expecting someone with Darren tonight. Andy then proceeds to wonder if Darren has brought any other people with him on his gigs.

          “No, thank you,” she answers.

          Darren tilts his head. “You sure?”

Andy nods. “I’ll have water, though, if that’s alright? Yeah, a glass of water, please.”

          Darren only nods. She watches shamelessly as Darren slips between the tables until he reaches the bar across the room, where he casually leans over the counter propped by his elbows. Andy wishes she could look away, but she realize there’s no harm in ogling if he can’t see. It’s not that she wants to, anyway. Darren’s lean and now slightly buffer body has always been a good view in everybody’s eyes.

          After the stress she’s caused him, Andy had always imagined Darren as a man with bushier hair and thinner waist. Maybe a few wrinkles etched too deep in his forehead for his age and probably dark circles that takes away the sparkle of his eyes. She expects him to look older and maybe a bit depressed looking.

Except that clearly hadn’t happened and it’s obviously not the case. Somehow the visage of the man she’s currently looking at the moment is the polar opposite of what she’d had in her mind. It’s unfair that Darren seems more collected and balanced than ever before.

          The bartender on duty is a short woman with an easy smile and a beautiful sweep of blonde hair. Andy watches as they fall in an easy conversation. She notices how Darren looks extremely pleased and relaxed while talking to her. Andy wishes she could find some sort of resemblance between herself and the other woman, but she can’t point even one. She tears her gaze away just as the woman grins brightly at Darren and he touches her hand in return.

          Andy shakes her head and clears her mind. _No, this isn’t right._ Andy hasn’t had the right to jealousy over anybody with Darren, but she can’t deny the fact that what she saw does things to her heart.

          The sound of a glass getting set down on the table jolts Andy out of her trance. She looks up and finds Darren leaning against the table, sipping from a heavy glass. Andy wonders if he’s drinking something heavy. The color of his drink matches the color of her eyes, she realizes.

          “Are you going to sit down and eat or . . .?” Andy lets the question trail off.

          “Can’t. I’m up in a minute.” Darren jerks his chin towards the piano that seems to be waiting for him. “You go ahead and order something, though, if you’re already hungry.”

          “Okay. What do you want?”

          “Whatever you’re having,” Darren says, setting his glass down the table. “Make it something good. I’m actually starving.” He doesn’t wink, but there’s a sparkle in his eyes that’s almost familiar. Too bad he pulls away even before Andy could decipher what it is. Darren proceeds to walk to the stage, and again, Andy’s left watching him going away from her.

          She draws a deep, shaky breath. Everything about this day and yesterday feels half-remembered and partially recalled. Andy seems to find herself in the middle of a show, where Darren’s the director and Andy’s the actor, leaving her struggling to keep up with him who already knows how the whole shebang is going to end.

          A spotlight is positioned right where Darren’s sitting in the piano bench. A slight murmur shifts through the small crowd. If she wasn’t sure before, now it’s crystal clear to her that the customers are familiar with Darren, what with all the catcalls and cheers from the crowd.

          As Darren proceeds to entertain his small crowd through his set – warm, peaceful genres and a few new pop hits Andy vaguely recognizes from the radio – Andy marvels just what Darren is doing here in this small, almost secluded county. Darren had said he’d been staying in this place for six months. She couldn’t fathom how Darren seemingly gave up his life for this simpler one – _or did he?_ Did he really leave his grand life in Los Angeles and proceeds to continue his journey in this small, reclusive place? Andy couldn’t exactly tell. She’s always known Darren as a humble person, but she can’t imagine him being as meek as the one she’s picturing him to be at the moment.

          Andy then realizes she doesn’t have any idea what Darren’s been doing all these years and she certainly doesn’t know what brings Darren back to a little restaurant in a place he wasn’t even accustomed of in the first place, singing for a crowd of maybe fifty instead of thousands.

          The track changes, the rhythm goes heavier and Andy looks up. Darren’s eyes are on her, darker under the spotlight. He then looks away quickly as soon as their eyes meet and Andy’s cheeks flush.

          It shouldn’t matter, and Andy knows that. It’s given that Darren’s eyes should roam across his audience once in a while. She knows it will make the crowd feel like they’re all involved in that one moment in a way. She just can’t ignore how her heart starts thumping fast because whenever he opens his eyes, Darren’s gaze keeps coming back to her direction. Andy doubts any of the songs played tonight are for her or because of her. Why would they be? Darren’s not a masochist, and Andy knows that. It’s not like he’ll let history repeats itself. They both know what happened the last time he offered a song for someone.

Andy’s not that naïve. Of course she knows how he felt. That leaves her wondering that maybe he’s not the masochist one. She is.

Andy shakes her head. No. She’s not. She didn’t do it because she enjoys the pain. She didn’t do it because she wants to. She left because she needs to. Because it’s for the best.

_Is it? Is it really? You always say that, but did it do any good to your life?_

Fryxell’s words starts to taunt her. Andy rubs her arms quickly as she feels goose bumps starts to crawl through her skin.

          A few more songs played and Darren’s set is finally over. He steps away from the piano as more applause arises. Andy remembers the first time he played a song for her in the same venue. She remembers herself smiling so big she almost forgot the reason why she was crying. Darren dedicated a song for her. That was the first time in years that she felt truly loved.

          Darren walks off the stage, looking all pleased with himself. Andy’s sure all the people in Phila can hear her heart thumping as Darren walks directly to her. He gives her a small smile before looking down at the untouched food on the table.

          “You were really great up there,” Andy says and ignores how her heart does a somersault when Darren sits down next to her instead of across the table.

          “Thanks,” Darren says. “Wait – have you eaten? The food’s untouched, and we’re sharing.”

          “I’m not really hungry,” Andy lies. She is, actually, but seeing Darren looking really starved, she’s more than willing to give him the whole meal.

          “That sucks. The food’s really great,” he says, taking a mouthful of the pasta.

          “You want more? We can get another one.”

          “No, I’m fine, thanks,” he says. “So I was thinking, after I finish this that we go home? I know you’re tired.”

“You do?”

“You look tired.”

“How could you say?”

“I can feel it,” Darren says, nodding in mock seriousness. Andy laughs. “And don’t worry; it’s normal to feel weary when you’re aging.”

Andy gapes. “How dare you? Let me remind you that you’re six years older than me. You were already walking when I wasn’t even out of my diapers.”

Darren frowns. “I hate how you’re still smart.”

“That’s ridiculous. I’m smart, and always will be.”

“Oh, hush, child.”

“You’re just using me for your own excuses.”

“Fine, you got me. I haven’t gotten sleep last night.”

“You too?” The words slip out of Andy’s mouth. “I . . . I mean, I didn’t get much sleep last night either.”

“Still insomniac?”

“I don’t know.” She pauses. “I talked to Fryxell.”

“Yeah? How’re they doing?”

“Fine,” she says. “I didn’t know you’re still keeping in touch with them?”

Darren nods. “They’re good people.”

“They are?”

“They’re cool,” he says and shrugs. He finishes the meal in silence. “I think I’ll get another drink before we go. More water?”

          Andy only nods before Darren’s going back to the bar again. As expected, the same blonde woman tends Darren as she makes him another drink. This time, Andy lets her eyes stay on the two. So, maybe she’s a masochist a bit. Even though she can’t see Darren’s face, she knows he’s saying something funny because the smile in her face is consistent all throughout their talking.

          She can’t deny the strange, unwanted feeling coursing through her veins as she watches. Her grip goes tighter on her glass, and her eyes are narrowing. She can also taste the bitterness at the tip of her tongue.

Suddenly, the world seems to slow down as Andy feels her heart contracting, sending a different kind of pain through her whole body. It’s cramping deep in her chest, thudding hard, sharp, bright spikes of intense, achy pain . . . fuck. She clutches her chest tight and gasps as the pain surfaces more.

          _No, no, this can’t be happening. Not now, not with him._

Her vision is getting hazy as she struggles to breathe in and out. She starts panting and blinking a couple of times. It feels like there’s a full pressure that is squeezing in the center of her chest. Andy’s used to this occurrence. She’s had lots for a few years. She also knows it only lasts for more than a few minutes and will go away eventually, but the fact that she’s with Darren seems to aggravate her anxiety.

She waits for it to stop. It doesn’t. She waits for it to ease up a little. It doesn’t.

“Hey, I know you only want water, but I got you – hey, you okay?”

_Breathe. Breathe._

She blinks once, twice. Darren’s looming over her . . . _fuck._

_In and out. In and out. Breathe._

“Andy?” Darren’s voice is filled with concern. He goes around the table and kneels in front of her.

She shakes her head and stands, running towards the door. Cold air blows her face as she goes out – and just like that Andy feels the pain in her chest eases a little bit. She breathes heavily, and finally her inhalation goes back normal once again. She’s still clutching her chest as she runs to the truck, unaware that her whole body is shaking in fear. With trembling hands, she struggles to open the door only to find it locked and the windows are rolled up.

“Fuck,” she mutters as she leans against the cold door. The pain is slowly dissolving, and what’s left is the angst of what just happened. Andy finds herself sitting on the pavement, and a few seconds later, her body is cradled by a pair of strong arms.

“Hey, are you okay? Holy shit. What happened?” Darren exclaims, louder than she anticipates.

She nods slightly. “Could you . . . As . . . Aspirin,” she chokes. “ . . . bag . . .”

Darren doesn’t waste time. He takes her bag and frantically spills everything inside, cursing as he does so.

Andy wants to smack him. “Side pocket . . . idiot,” she gasps, laughing a little.

Darren frowns but follows, sighing in relief as he holds the medicine in his hand. He pops one and gives it to Andy which she immediately swallows.

“Don’t you need water with that? Shit,” Darren says and moves.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to get some water inside!”

“No! No, no,” Andy says, pulling Darren’s jacket to prevent him from standing. “Stay here, stay.”

“But you-”

“Shh, shh,” Andy hushes. Darren brings his hands to his hair and pulls it, still looking frantic.

“Alright, hold up. What the fuck is happening?” he shouts.

“Calm down, you’re giving yourself a heart attack,” Andy says, rubbing her chest lightly.

“Goddamnit!” Darren exclaims, panting. “What was that?”

“Asthma attack,” she lies. “It’s normal.”

“Normal? That’s not normal! I thought you were dying there! Fuck!”

Darren’s eyes are crazy wide, his hands flying everywhere. Andy grabs his jacket and takes a hold of his arms. “Stop it. Calm down. Breathe, Darren.”

Darren ignores her, but Andy holds both the sides of his face and lets him look at her straight in the eyes. Darren immediately stills. “Breathe,” she says softly. Darren closes his eyes and breathes in and out slowly.

“Good,” Andy mumbles. “Are you okay?”

“Are you?”

Andy nods, smiling. “Yes. Do you want to get out of here?”

Darren gulps and nods.

“Give me the keys.”

“No. I can drive.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“Are you freaking out?”

“I don’t know!”

“Okay. That answers my question. Give me the keys. I’ll drive.”

“Since when do you have asthma?”

“Give me the keys, Darren.”

“Answer me.”

“Does it matter?”

“Fuck yeah it does!”

“If I answer, will you give me the keys?”

“Fine.”

“Will you stop asking questions?”

“Fine!”

“Four years ago. Now hand me the keys and shut up.”

Darren does.


	25. High Hopes

**April 16, 2018, 10.22AM**

It was supposed to be a beautiful morning.

The sun was shining so bright but the breeze is cool enough to keep them comfortable and not sweating. Andy took her usual morning shower routine, and she trotted in the kitchen with the strong feeling that it would be a beautiful day today.

          The invigorating smell from the kitchen proved her hypothesis.

          All was well. But then, something slipped.

It was Andy’s fault and she knows it. If she hadn’t been careless, the small container wouldn’t fall from her bag. She didn’t realize that the bag tipped when she imprecisely threw it on the kitchen counter. Half of her things inside fell - alongside the white bottle that apparently rolled and stopped by Darren’s bare feet. She watched in horror as he held it up in the air and examined it for a second before speaking.

          “What’s this?”

          Andy’s heart literally stopped for a second as she sees Darren scrutinize the medicine. She caught the look on Cecile’s face, and that was when she thought she knew she was doomed. Cecile’s face literally contorted to confuse to realization to shock as it dawned to her.

          “That’s for my asthma,” Andy had lied, finally unfreezing and hastily grabbed the bottle from Darren’s hand. Thankfully, Darren didn’t ask for more, but Andy could feel the look Cecile was giving her.

          The breakfast she once thought would be lively was spent in silence. It was the kind of silence Andy’s grown so used to, but at the moment, she felt nothing but anxiety. Cecile was silent all throughout, and it was unnerving.

          Andy was the one who volunteered cleaning the dishes while Cecile sends Darren to the market to grab something. But Andy knows better.

          She’s just finished bringing the coffee mugs over to the sink when Cecile emerges to the kitchen.

          “We have to talk.”

Andy wipes her hands dry and nods. She doesn’t trust her mouth to speak at the moment. She knows that it would only be a matter of time before she caves in.

She walks around the dining table and seats across Cecile, heart beating wildly, pounding relentlessly against her ribcage.

“How long?”

The pounding was too loud, the sound of which overpowers her senses. She is mildly unaware that Cecile has already called her name again twice. The only thing that she feels is dread. Nobody knows of her condition except the people close to her. But Cecile is close to her, right? She’s already considered a family. Dare she reveal it? Wouldn’t that make it seem more real?

Andy is well deep inside her perplexing imaginary cocoon as she ponders on this. Cecile has been nothing but decent towards her.

          “Honey, please,” she hears Cecile say.

 Andy finally shrugs, looking anywhere but Cecile’s piercing eyes. She can’t keep eye contacts with her. She doesn’t like this feeling – the feeling of guilt over something. It makes her feel like a little girl being confronted by her parents.

She hears Cecile speak again, but she doesn’t hear it. The only thing she hears at the moment is her own pulse, arrhythmic, confusing. The only thing she sees is darkness, empty, solitary. Then all of a sudden, her makeshift shell breaks. She hears Cecile frantically calling her attention.

Andy snaps out of her stupor and looks Cecile in the eyes.

“Four years.”

And just like that, she remembers everything.

~

She remembers how it started with headaches, but she ignored it deliberately. She’s been having them almost regularly, and she only has one thing to blame: studies. The workload could be really overwhelming sometimes, and she already expects it since it was her last year of college. She manages it with Advil, and it was tolerable enough in the beginning.

Then, the weight gaining happened, and Andy’s curiosity was piqued, especially since eating has become one of her least priorities ever since the school year began and the work started pouring in. She’s been losing appetite to eat almost anything, and yet by the time she was in the middle of the first semester, she gained a good seven pounds. Of course, her friends saw the changes. It was Rose who noticed the swelling of some of her body parts and her constant whining for being awfully tired. Andy remembered blurting the most ridiculous excuses and left her wondering if it was Rose who she was assuring or herself.

And then, a month before her semester-break, her father died. It was a week of complete darkness in Andy’s life. She refused to eat but indulged herself on sleeping. It was on the fourth day after he died that her reclusiveness began. She stopped talking to anyone; speaks only when asked. The people who cared were worried, but they couldn’t do anything. They tried, but failed. By that time, Andy had successfully built a barrier around her, and no one could bring it down.

The funeral happened on a Saturday. The ceremony was simple. The day passed by in a blur, and it almost seemed like just a normal day again. Except that it isn’t. It was a silent dinner for the family, and the first prominent sound that was heard except the clanking of the spoon and fork against the plate was when the chair moved from where Andy stood. Her mom and brother stared at her, curiosity filled their eyes. It was when Andy collapsed and hit her head on the table that everything changed.

It was on Monday morning that she finally woke up.

Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy was the doctor’s first speculation. It is a condition where the heart muscle becomes suddenly weakened because of significant physical and emotional stress prior to becoming unwell. The good news was it was supposed to be just temporary or even reversible. It was also unusual for it to happen again.

But, a week passed and she was sent back to the hospital.

Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. The doctor explains further what the condition was, but it failed to register in her head. She never bothered hearing more of it the moment one word fell out of the doctor’s mouth:

It was her brother who had the guts to ask: How long?

Andy missed the grim look that fell on the doctor’s face. She was too busy staring at the white cloth that covered her legs.

She did, though, heard the doctor’s answer. It was said in a hush voice, but it rang perfectly clear on Andy’s brain.

Anytime.

One wrong move and she could die anytime.

The doctor proceeded to discuss that despite being incorrigible, there are a lot of treatments available to help control the symptoms and prevent further complications. Andy didn’t listen to any word he had said. Just like that, everything else was blocked - all she could hear was the few ticks and tocks that are left of her sad, pitiful life.

After that, nothing was normal anymore.

~

Andy hears a gasp escape on Cecile’s mouth. “And how are you doing?”

Andy took her gaze off of the table and looked at Cecile, realizing she had narrated everything without knowing so.

Andy shrugs nonchalantly. “I don’t know,” she answered.

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t know. Bad? I really don’t know.”

Cecile pauses. “How bad are we talking?”

“Pretty bad. I miscarried.” Andy’s surprised that it went out of her mouth swifter than she anticipated.

She dares to look and finds Cecile’s face goes pale.

“You . . . miscarried?”

Andy can feel her lips trembling, but she tries to stay calm. “My heart couldn’t keep up with the pregnancy.”

“Goodness,” Cecile says and sighs. “Honey, I’m so sorry.”

Andy purses her lips and nods, blinking rapidly to keep the tears from flowing. This is why she never talks about her miscarriage. “Yeah, I am, too.” She pauses. “I lost it when I was in my third month. It’s silly. I never even felt it, really. I wasn’t even showing at that time.” She wiped the rebellious tear that falls and smiled wryly. “But I’m still alive, am I not? It’s what matters, right? At least I lived.” The bitterness in her voice was prominent.

“Honey . . .”

“Please don’t tell me you understand, Cecile,” she sobs. “Nobody does. They think they do, but they don’t. It was the child that died, but I felt I did, too.”

“Does anybody know that that’s how you feel?”

“I don’t know. Close friends, family, I guess.”

“Darren . . . ?”

All blood drained out of Andy’s face. Her head snaps up and looks at Cecile, a flash of panic crossing her face. “No.”

“Why?”

“Are you going to tell him?”

“About what? That you’re sick or you lost your baby?”

“Both.”

“It’s not my place to tell, honey. Although, don’t you think he has the right to know? He’s been a very good friend to you.”

That’s when Andy realizes Cecile doesn’t know anything about what happened between Darren and her.

“He has,” Andy confirms. And then suddenly, she finally caved in, her body falling apart as she starts sobbing. “I’m just scared. I’m really scared, Cecile.” Cecile goes around the table and gives the most comforting embrace to Andy. Andy clings to her as she continues to sob and talk at the same time. “I could die anytime. I don’t want to die. I don’t.”

“Shh, shh, honey. It’s gonna be alright.”

“I’m so scared. I . . . I was ready to die, Cecile. I already accepted my fate, and I was prepared. I ignored my family’s pleas to take my medication. And then Darren happened, and then . . . everything changed. God, I can’t . . . I don’t know what to do, Cecile.”

Cecile lets Andy take it all out, until there are no more tears left, until she’s only left wheezing.

For a long time, they stayed like that, and it was the most comfortable that Andy felt for a very long time, being in the arms of one person that truly cares about her.

At some point, she felt drowsiness and exhaustion kick in, but before she finally lulls into slumber, she caught something that Cecile said:

“Tell him, honey. Don’t push him away. God knows how the boy is crazy about you . . .”

And she was out with the thought that maybe Cecile knows about them after all.

~

**2.03PM**

Andy has no idea where they’re going.

          It’s not that she wants to know, and it seems Darren doesn’t have the plan to tell her. There’s something familiar about the route they’re taking, though she can’t place it for sure, and it’s not until she hears the crashing of the waves that she realizes where they’re going.

          “Why are we here?”

          “A little birdie named Cecile told me someone needs a break.” Andy stares at him.

“Did she tell you why?”

Darren shakes his head. “Nope. And I didn’t question it. Besides, I think I need a break, too.”

          “And you thought of the beach?”

          “Of course,” he says and shrugs. “It makes me relax, so I think of it. Why? You have anything against the beach?”

          Andy shakes her head.

          “Besides, old time’s sake,” he says, and for the first time since they met again, smiles for real. He pulls into a parking spot and turns the car off. “Let’s go.”

          Darren offers Andy a hand to help her down off the dune, and when they get to the bottom, Darren lets go. He brings his hands inside his pocket jeans, and Andy crosses her arms.

          At this time of the day, the beach isn’t entirely deserted. There are a few tents built up and a group of teenagers tossing around a light-up Frisbee. Darren doesn’t seem to have a particular destination in mind, but Andy lets him lead them out past the teenagers who’re putting the final details on a massive sandcastle to a quiet stretch of the beach between the dunes and the water.

          The sun’s illuminating so bright, and it’s enough for Andy to be able to make out the expression on Darren’s face when he finally stops walking. “Let’s sit?”

          Andy nods and sits down on the sand beside Darren. There’s a permanent distance between them, one foot away from each other. Andy hates it, but she can’t really do anything.

          For a long while, they’re both quiet, watching the waves roll in.

          “How are you, Andy?” Darren asks, breaking the silence.

          “Interested? Or just making conversation?”

          “Hmm. Both.”

          “You first.”

          “I asked first.”

          “We’re really doing this right now?”

          “Looks like it.”

          Andy rolls her eyes with no malice. “Did you know I was obese when I was a kid?” she hedges.

          Darren spares her a glance. “I didn’t.”

          “Well, I was.”

          “What happened?”

          “I lost weight.”

          “Hmm.”

          One heartbeat passed.

“That’s it?”

Darren raises one eyebrow. “That’s what?”

“No more questions?”

“What do you want me to ask?”

“I don’t know. What do _you_ want me to ask?”

“Nothing. I’m proud of you. For losing weight.”

“Thank you.”

Andy starts counting backwards.

_10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5 . . ._

“Fuck. Can I just say that this is so awkward? Damn it, why does it have to be so awkward? We’re never awkward.”

Andy isn’t sure when she stopped breathing but she’s glad she finally takes a sigh in relief.

“What happened to us, Darren?” she dares to ask.

          Darren stares at her as if she’s grown another head. “As far as I could remember, there was never an ‘us’, Andy. You left, remember?”

          “But we had something.”

          Darren has an annoyed look on his face. “We’re really doing this, then? Well what do you expect? I can’t say it’s nice of you to come and visit, since I was the one who went to you even after what you did to me. What has it been?” Darren looks at his imaginary watch on his wrist. “Just over two years without a word?”

          “Darren-”

          “Since I sang a song for you and when I finished, you were gone?”

          “Darren, you know-”

          “You didn’t leave anything, remember? There were no goodbyes, no notes, it was like-”

          “I didn’t have a choice,” Andy blurts.

          “Bullshit. You always have a choice and you know that.”

          “But-”

          “Just, stop, okay? I can’t do this right now. I don’t want to ruin the mood. Just let it go. Talk about anything else.”

          Silence, and then - “No.”

          Darren raises one eyebrow. “No?” he echoes.

          Andy sighs in determination. She pushes herself up and brushes the sand off her shorts. “Yes, no. Give me the keys. I want to drive.”

          Darren gives her a hesitant look, and she chooses to ignore it. After a minute, he complies.

~

**3.00PM**

It’s not something planned.

          Andy leans her head slightly out of the window into the breeze, enjoying how Darren keeps the window down instead of using the air-conditioner. She was even planning to tease if the old truck has its AC working on, but then thought that it’s better not to. So now they’re driving nowhere in complete silence, enjoying the view of the nature not from behind the glass. By having the windows down, they were in it, connected to the living breathing forest that towers above their heads. Andy breathes deeply and feels her body relax now that they’re completely out of the city.

          “I think this is the part where you tell me where we’re going, because see that? It’s the gas indicator and I’m pretty sure it’ll be blinking in no time because I forgot to refill it last night,” Darren speaks, breaking Andy out of her reverie.

          “It’s okay. We’ll call a tow truck if that happens.”

          “It’s going to take them forever to get us. I don’t know where we are, and I’m pretty sure you don’t, too.”

          “I have a hunch.”

          “What?”

          “I don’t know if you know, but I have a good memory.”

          “You’re right, I don’t know.” He pauses. “You’re not going to tell me where we’re going, aren’t you?”

          “Patience, grasshopper.”

          “Thirty-two years of my life, and I’ve been called a grasshopper twice by a single person.”

          Instead of answering, Andy perks up and scans the sceneries. She smiles toothily, feeling proud that after all these years, she still remembered. After a few seconds, she pulls over the side of the empty road.

          Darren brings his feet down from the headboard and takes a look at the surroundings. Even before he can question anything, Andy’s already out of the truck, the keys jiggling in her hands.

          “What do you think you’re doing?”

          “Didn’t I tell you? You stink, Darren,” Andy shouts, grinning as she crosses the road.

          “I’m sensing a déjà vu moment here,” she hears him grumble as he follows.

          It only takes several minutes to find their way to their destination. They help each other on the way as they negotiate the larger rocks, jumping from one to another before they arrive at the oh-so familiar waterfalls that they once shared together. It surprises Andy that even if she already saw it, the view doesn’t fail to amaze her. It’s like seeing it again for the very first time.

          “What are we doing here?”

          “I don’t know about you, but I feel suddenly hot,” she calls over her shoulder as she stands at the water’s edge. She shrugs her shoes off and tiptoes to the verge, braving a toe into the water and yelps. It’s bloody freezing!

          “Less daring, I see,” Darren teases and stands next to her. She isn’t sure if Darren doesn’t feel the icy water or he does but he ignores it – either way she’s amazed how he contains his poker face.

          “I don’t feel like jumping off on a 20 feet cliff today,” she reasons.

          “Don’t worry, it’s normal to feel off when you’re aging.”

          Andy cranes her head sideways to raise an eyebrow at Darren. “Says the man six years older than me,” she taunts.

She hates the gasp that escapes her lips when her feet fully submerged and wade deeper until the water was up to her calves.

“It’s so cold,” she whines.

She could feel Darren smirking as he braves to jump right in the water, disappearing under the dark surface before suddenly resurfacing in the middle of the waterhole a few seconds later. He’s still smirking as he watches her clearly struggling.

“You better just dive in and get it over with,” he says.

Andy rolls her eyes as Darren disappears once again; his feet flapping wildly and causes splash on Andy. “Show off,” she mutters. She finally manages to get into the shallow area where the water reaches her knees.

Out of nowhere, Darren leaps out of the water, grabs Andy around the waist and yanks her down. For a second, Andy starts panicking, clearly taken aback about the sudden turn of events. She then feels Darren’s hand coming back to her waist, and they both resurface.

“Oh, you did not just do that!” she gasps, panting.

“I did just do that,” he taunts, laughs as he lets go of her. Suddenly, Andy misses his hands around her waist. Even before he swims farther, she reaches out for Darren and pulls him closer, but this time, she turns the tables. She lunges at him to get some revenge, and soon the pair topped back down under the water, their hands grabbing onto each other once again. Under the water, Andy’s laughing, and even as they resurface, she still is.

Only when she notice Darren’s eyes have five different colors that she realizes just how close they are. Her hands are unconsciously clasped around his neck and his hands are holding her waist, supporting them both. Andy can feel her legs tangling and sliding against his in the chest-high water, and she can literally feel his breath against her face.

At that moment, both of them stills as if they are pulled into a trance. Feeling Darren’s warm breath on her lips as he breathes out, she, somehow, manages to pull him closer. Staring into Darren’s luminous eyes filled with a mixture of fear and doubt and want and desire, Andy knows his eyes reflect her own.

Treading water as the sun shines down on them, warming their skin, Andy longs to close that last little space between their mouths. Her heart starts beating abnormally fast when she notices Darren’s eyes darting to her lips a few times. Watching as he licks the drops of water from his lips, Andy thinks about how much she would have loved to have done that. Unmoving, she watches Darren lean forward and nuzzles his nose along her cheek, his hand roaming down and splaying over her back. Leaning forward once again, he stops a few inches from Andy’s parted lips in a gulp.

Gasping when Darren’s lips brush hers in an almost kiss; tongue darting out to barely lick her bottom lip, Andy realizes what they are doing. She knows this is stupid. She knows this is something caught up in the moment. This is Darren acting on something he isn’t. Knowing he’ll regret it later.

That doesn’t stop her from liking the situation.

But even before Andy could fully feel comfortable about their sudden closeness, Darren’s pulling and swimming away, and suddenly, Andy feels more alone than ever.

“You’re right. The water’s too cold,” he says, getting himself out of the water without sparing her a second glance. Andy sighs.

Somehow, the water seems colder than usual.

          The rest of the afternoon passes out quickly while they were locked in their own little world. They didn’t go back to the waterhole. Instead, Darren found a stream further down the wallow and they wandered a little way down to take the time to dry themselves off before heading back to the truck.

It took some time, but they found their way back to the truck and started driving once again. They ended up a few miles away from Cecile’s house and decided to stop at a nice view to watch the sunset before going back. They stayed at the hood of the car, and Andy struggled to stop glancing at Darren every now and then, memorizing his whole visage. Somehow, she still ended up memorizing how Darren looks today. A rebellious curl was falling on his forehead and he was staring up at the sky with his ridiculously big, gorgeous hazel eyes.

Andy’s heart felt troubled when Darren was driving them home. Once again, windows were rolled down and the evening breeze filled the silence they couldn’t seem to fill themselves. It was like Darren was waiting for something, and Andy was, too. She could feel it, choking her, shortening her breath, ready to explode out of her.

She ignored it.

Instead, she leans back further on her seat and wallows herself to the strong scent that only screams longing and Darren.

~

**April 17, 2018, 3.29AM**

Something clanking woke her up.

The light is dim when Andy blinks her eyes open. For a second, she wonders if maybe it’s raining, before it dawns to her that there’s no drizzling sound over the roof, and the whole surroundings is eerily silent. She spares her phone a glance, reading the time, and groans into her pillow. She rubs her face into the fabric unconsciously, lulling herself to slumber once again, and that’s when she heard the noise.

          The first thing that comes to her mind is to ignore it. It’s probably nothing – just in her sheer imagination – and she knows she should just go back to sleep. But then she heard another noise from downstairs, and Andy’s more awake than ever.

          Andy’s never a believer of supernatural forces - she falls into the group of people whom one of their mantra is ‘to see is to believe’, and living for almost twenty-five years, she never saw or felt even a single weird occurrence, that or maybe she’s just too oblivious. Either way, she’s not really complaining because she sure as hell could live her life never experiencing those kinds of incidences – but weirdly waking up at this ungodly hour by a sound coming from a house that isn’t hers undeniably frightens her.

          She doesn’t want to check – not at all – but she does because she can’t go back to sleep now and she knows she’ll feel really guilty if something’s happened in Cecile’s house while she was awake and she didn’t do anything about it because she thought it’s ghost when it could possibly be a robber.

          She stumbles along the hallways and down the stairs that she’s already familiar with, palm pressed against the wall as she goes. She’s already regretting why she didn’t bring any weapon to protect herself just in case, but then she sees a warm, yellow light coming from the kitchen and she sure as hell knows robbers don’t turn lights on.

          What she sees before her eyes surprises and at the same time doesn’t surprise her.

          Darren is sitting cross-legged on the kitchen island, hair a disaster and glasses balancing on the tip of his nose, and he’s eating peanut butter out of the jar with a fork. Andy makes an amused noise in the back of her throat, and the house is quiet enough that Darren actually hears her and turns, fork sticking out of his mouth.

          “Why are you awake?” His voice is thick. Darren pulls the fork out of his mouth with a pop, still staring at Andy.

          “Why are _you_ awake?” she counters. “No, wait. Don’t answer that. Answer this: what are you doing?”

          “I was hungry,” he mumbles sleepily, scooping another dollop of peanut butter before bringing it to his mouth.

          “So you’re eating peanut butter?” she says, shuffling forward to Darren.

          He pouts, and Andy’s sure she melts because she misses that adorable puckered lips of Darren and she struggles to stop herself from kissing it away.

“What’s wrong with peanut butter?”

          “Nothing’s wrong with peanut butter. I never said something’s wrong with it.”

          “You _sound_ as if something’s wrong with it.”

          Andy rolls her eyes. “It’s too early for this.”

          “Peanut butter is awesome,” Darren states in the most serious tone he can muster with his sleepy state.

          “Never said it isn’t,” she mumbles, supressing a small yawn.

          “Want some?” Darren holds the jar out to Andy, wiggling it back and forth expectantly. Andy eyes it and frowns.

          “You remind me of the video I saw in the internet where a dog eats peanut butter and keeps trying to unstick its mouth for a whole ten minutes.”

          Darren stares at her for a whole minute. “You watched a video on the internet where a dog eats a peanut butter and keeps trying to unstick its mouth for a whole _ten minutes_?”

“Don’t judge. I was bored out of my mind that day.”

“Did you just compare me to a dog?”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Andy jibes lightly, and Darren wrinkles his nose at her jeeringly. Darren lets the fork hang from his mouth again, inching away on the island and then patting the granite beside him, looking at Andy expectantly. She rolls her eyes and heaves an exasperated sigh, but she complies, jumping up and sits next to him.

He smells heavily of peanut butter, and it makes Andy roll her eyes and smile.

“You smell like peanut butter,” she mumbles, watching the fork slowly slip out of his mouth.

“I wonder why,” he slurs, teasing. Andy frowns, ready to smack him, but an idea popped into her mind. She pulls the fork out of his mouth, scoops as much peanut butter that a fork could hold and before she even thinks twice, rubs the fork on Darren’s cheeks.

Darren is scarily calm, as if she just didn’t scrub a mouthful of sticky spread on his face. He takes the fork from her frozen hand and scoops again, but instead of putting it in his mouth, he spreads the peanut butter on his mouth and cheeks, and before Andy knows it, Darren’s grabbing her arm and pressing his face against hers in a messy manner.

“Oh my-” She didn’t have the chance to finish her sentence, because his cheeks has been deliberately pressed on her mouth. She yelps and squirms from his grip, but Darren wraps his arm around her neck and mushed their faces together.

The peanut butter war lasted for a few minutes in the most silent possible way, and for some time, Andy’s pretty sure there’s a moment that his lips brushed with hers, but even before she can process it, Darren starts licking her cheeks. She pushes him with all her might, and Darren submits, leaning farther away with a smug look clearly spread over his peanut buttered face.

“Oh my God. You’re still so disgusting,” Andy spits, trying to sound angry, but the smile on her face is destroying her façade.

“That’s what you get for referring me to a dog.”

“You _licked_ me, Darren.”

Darren beams. “I licked you.”

“Are you proud?”

Darren nods, still grinning like a five-year old idiot that he is.

“I swear you’re five,” she grumbles. Darren gets off the island and splashes his whole face with water on the sink.

“Five and a half,” Darren corrects, and Andy growls, because it’s sticky everywhere. At the moment, only the sound of Darren washing his face is heard on the whole house.

“Hurry up, you moron,” she spits. The water goes off, and when Darren turns to her, he’s holding a clean wet cloth. He jumps up on the island once again, and silently, he props her chin up and wipes her whole face gently.

Andy doesn’t know when she stopped breathing. Darren’s so close to her face – she’s pretty sure she can feel his breath on her mouth. She watches as Darren’s eyes flitter across her whole covered peanut buttered face, wiping every inch of it. It’s only when Darren stands and goes to the sink and says, “You can breathe now” that she realizes she’s holding her breath. Her cheeks start to warm from embarrassment against the cold air.

For a minute, everything is silent. Darren goes back to sit next to her, takes the jar on his hands and scoops a mouthful of peanut butter before bringing it to his mouth as if nothing happened.

As if he didn’t shake Andy’s world so hard she forgot how to breathe.


	26. For A While

**April 17, 2018, 7.44AM**

Darren’s gloriously naked.

          Andy’s just woke up from a deep slumber. Still half asleep, she made her way down the house and realized it was deserted. Not minding about it too much, she went by the sink and was just about to grab a glass when her eyes caught something through the kitchen window. It was Darren, and he was sprawled on the grass, in the sun, asleep. And he was naked.

          Facedown. On a blanket. Naked.

          Andy went back into her room and firmly closed the door. She settled down on the couch with her book, and turned a bunch of pages while staring fixedly at it.

          It went on for a good ten minutes.

~

**8.21AM**

Andy took her time in the shower, another enjoyable indulgence she reminded herself not to mention. By the time she got out, her stomach’s complaining from hunger. She headed straight to the kitchen and finds Darren – thankfully no longer naked, thankfully wearing cut-off jeans and nothing else – working in the kitchen.

          She’s been meaning to leave him alone and proceed to ignore her stomach. She was just about to back down and go back to her room when her stupid stomach made a sound, and apparently Darren heard it. He looked back briefly before continuing to chop whatever it is that he’s chopping.

          “Morning,” he says.

          “Um.” Andy wants to strangle herself right then and there, because suddenly the image of Darren bare-ass naked ran through her fucked-up mind once again.

          _Chop. Chop._

          Darren looks back at her with eyebrow raised. “You alright?”

          Andy only hums in response, not really trusting herself to speak yet.

          “I hope you like omelette. I’m making two,” he says. “For you and Cecile.”

          “And you?”

          “I don’t eat breakfast,” he says. “Never had the time.”

          _You don’t have time for breakfast, but you have the time sleeping under the sun naked? By the way, doesn’t your butt get sunburned?_

          “Smells lovely,” she says instead.

          “Really?”

          Andy hums. “I didn’t know you can cook omelette. May I help?”

          “Yeah, sure. Um, you could continue chopping the onions and I’ll set the table.”

          “I don’t chop,” she says even before she realizes she said it. Darren stops chopping and stares at her. “I . . . I mean, I don’t know . . . how to, um, cook. So I don’t chop. I can’t chop.”

          Darren pauses and studies Andy for a moment, observing if she’s serious or not. Andy only shrugs lamely.

“Of course you can,” he says after a few seconds. “Come here, I’ll teach you.”

          Darren starts guiding Andy so she could help him cook. Andy very unsurely starts handling the knife. Darren observes her with a smile on his face.

          “You don’t have to be so afraid of it.”

          “I can’t afford cutting my finger. I wouldn’t be able to write and type.”

          “You won’t, silly.” Darren chuckles and the way it resonated pretty much into her ear makes Andy realize they are standing very close to each other. “Here, let me show you.”

          Andy’s about to pass the knife for a demonstration when Darren puts his hands on top of hers, almost intertwining their fingers together. Andy shivers – she couldn’t help it.

          “You need to use short, precise movements, like this,” Darren explains and Andy wonders if he’s aware of the effect he is causing her. “Don’t raise the edge too much, just enough to push some more stuff to cut under it. Just like this . . .”

          Andy never thought she could share intimates moments with Darren ever again. She tries to pay attention to what Darren is currently saying. She tries really, really, hard.

          “Okay. Your turn,” Darren says and takes a step back, causing Andy to feel immediately lost.

          She stares down at the knife dumbly, only remembering after a few seconds that she’s supposed to be cutting something. She tries to recall what Darren just said, but her mind is still pretty hyped with thoughts, and even before she knows if, something stings on the skin of her finger. She blinks and sees blood.

          “Oh, shit,” Darren exclaims behind her, taking the knife away hastily. He pushes Andy towards the sink and forces her hand under the cold water. She hisses, not because of the pain – she’s experienced more hurtful things than one stupid cut – but because she sees the blood dripping, and she hates to see one.

          “I’m sorry,” she mumbles.

          “Let me see it,” Darren says, taking her hand and examines her finger. He releases a sigh in relief. “It’s not too deep. Band-Aid will do it. I think I have few in my bag. Wait here, I’ll get it. Don’t move.”

          Even before Andy can say anything, Darren’s already out of the kitchen. It’s ridiculous, but she doesn’t really move, waiting stupidly for Darren to come back. When he does, he orders her to hop on the kitchen counter. She obeys, and before she knows it, Darren’s between her legs, too worked up on putting alcohol and Band-Aid on her cut to notice that Andy’s literally frozen in spot.

          “You’re dangerous in the kitchen,” he says, glancing up to meet Andy’s eyes for a brief second.

          “Am not,” she says petulantly.

“Yes, you are.” Darren smirks mockingly, and Andy frowns.

Glancing outside the kitchen window, she notices the sky outside is relatively clear. She gazes back to the man in front of her, and she stared at his face and his face alone. The man notices it.

“Do I have something on my face?” Darren asks. Andy doesn’t answer; she shamelessly continues what she is doing.

“Staring is rude, you know?” Darren jokes, but Andy doesn’t smile. She’s too busy memorizing every inch of the face of the beautiful man in front of her.

“I’m trying to commit your face to my memory,” she says. Darren looks up to meet her gaze, and for a moment, he stopped whatever he is doing with her hand and give the woman a calculating stare.

“Why don’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer,” he teases.

“Not enough,” she says.

“Stop looking at me like that,” he says softly.

“Like what?”

“Like I’m the fucking world or something.”

Andy smiles, remembering the exact moment they’ve shared that same words. Somehow, she remembers everything that day, down to the smallest details.

“You’re beautiful,” Andy says the same way Darren did four years ago. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

Andy waits for his reply. After a couple of seconds and she finds nothing on Darren’s face, she almost thought he forgot it.

_Of course, he did. Why would he even remember something as irrelevant as that? Only you would. You’re the one who can’t let go of the past. You’re the-_

“Flattery will get you nowhere, Claveria,” Darren speaks, and Andy’s breath hitched.

_But he did. He remembered._

“And you have no fucking idea,” she whispers.

“Stop. You’re only saying that because I put polka dot-patterned Band-Aid on your hand.”

Andy gazes down and laughs whole-heartedly when she sees her now polka dot-patterned covered hand. She moves her uncut hand on her side and hears a _rattling_ sound when it brushes on something.

          “Why is the whipped cream out of the fridge?” she asks.

          “Oh, that. Originally, I thought on making pancakes, but there are no blueberries, so I stayed on omelette. I guess I forgot to bring it back in the fridge.”

          Andy raises an eyebrow. “You forgot?” She grabs the can of whipped cream, silently taking off the top and throwing it aside. She smirks, aiming the whipped cream towards Darren’s nose and pressing down on the top. The cold, white cream sprays all over his face and starts dripping on his chest. Darren gasps and takes a step backward, processing what just happened.

          “I am not dangerous in the kitchen.”

          Darren gapes, wiping the whipped cream off his eyes. “I cannot believe you did that.”

          “Well, I did,” she says and stuck her tongue out. “And there’s nothing you can do about it. Sorry not sorry.”

Darren’s silent for a second, before a glint of mischief appears on his face. “Really? Well we’ll see about that, then.”

          Andy’s gulp is loud. “Um, Dare, Cecile’s going to kill us. You better not-” Before she could even finish her sentence, Darren grab hers and wraps his arms around her waist as she scream, the whipped cream on his bare chest successfully sticking to her clothes.

          “DARREN!” she screams, trying to pry him off her. His arms strongly wrap around her waist, his laughter bouncing the walls of the kitchen. Even before she protests, he lifts her off the counter as she continues to scream, ordering him to release her.

          Darren laughs, making sure to shake his cream-covered curls in her face.

          “No! Darren, stop!” she orders. “Let me go, you idiot! I just took my shower-”

          They fall with a loud thud. Her foot slips on some whipped cream, sending her backward with her grabbing his shoulders, causing him to fall down with her. He lands on her chest with a bang and she groans loudly.

          “Holy shit! Andy, I’m so sorry!” he apologizes immediately. She responds with a groan.

          “Are you okay?” he asks tentatively.

          “Do you bloody think I’m okay? You’re so heavy! Are you going to get off?” she groans. She blinks once, twice. There is whipped cream on her eyelashes.

          “After I do this,” she hears him say, and before she knows it, white cream spurs over her eyes, neck and lips. She glares at him, and he releases the can off his hand as he holds his stomach, laughing obnoxiously loud.

          “Sorry,” he says. “But I couldn’t let you off so easy.”

          “Damn you so hard, Criss.” She struggles to reach up and wipe the cream out of her eyes. It takes her seconds to realize he’s gently wiping the whipped cream off her cheeks.

          “Darren . . .” Her voice fades as his thumb grazes against her skin. She blinks her eyes open and sees his eyes wandering around her face for a second, and then realizes that he’s leaning in, slowly but surely. Andy’s breathe hitches as she closes her eyes, her whole body tingling with anticipation.

          One heartbeat passes.

Andy blinks her eyes open just as the sound of footsteps emerge. For a split second, everything seems to freeze. One minute Darren’s eyes are burning hers, the next she finds him immediately scattering off and stands.

Still lying down on the floor where for a second ago Darren’s below her and is a millisecond away from kissing her, Andy’s eyes flicker over to the kitchen door where Cecile’s standing awkwardly, her eyes lingering over to us and the mess we have made.

          “Okay. Would any of you tell me what happened here?” Cecile speaks without any malice in her voice.

          “We erm, had an, um, incident,” Darren answers, his cheeks reddening a bit.

          Andy suddenly has the urge to bury herself.

          “Are you by any chance cooking burnt pasta?”

As realization hits, Andy sits up straight as Darren whirls around, reaching over and turning off the stove. He removes the pot and drops it into the sink, turning on the cold water.

          “Is it . . . alive?” Andy questions, leaning over his bare shoulder. Darren sighs, running a hand through his curls and shaking his head sadly.

          “It’s gone.”

          “Well, before you make funeral arrangements, how about you clean yourself first and the mess you made?” Cecile interrupts. “Since you wasted many ingredients, you’re going to suffer with bacon.”

          Darren groans. “Can you at least remake it?”

          “I’ll see what I can do,” Cecile says.

          Andy stumbles out of the kitchen and hears Darren following behind.

          “This is your entire fault,” she mumbles accusingly.

          “I lost my fucking omelette, man. Can I have a tiny bit of sympathy?”

          “Fine. I’m sorry, Darren.”

          By that time, they reached the hallway. Andy stands at her room’s door, and Darren pauses at his.

          There’s an awkward silence that emerges in the air.

          “Um. Clean up well.”

“You too.”

“So, I’ll see you later?” she says tentatively, not really looking at his eyes.

          Darren pauses. “Yeah. I’ll see you.”

~

**9.38PM**

The world is dark outside the window.

There are three empty bottles of beer sitting on the corner of the truck – all consumed by Darren. There’s one empty bottle of cheap wine at the other side, and another half consumed bottle on her hand and Andy never felt loose and relaxed and just open in a way in ages. The wine brought warm all over her body and she feels plain comfortable sitting on the plush pillows that Darren brought out on the trunk of the truck.

They’ve been talking. It’s not about everything, not about the deeper things that are buried so far under the surface Andy worries she’ll never be able to pull up. No, it’s not all that. Instead, they talk about the simpler things. Darren talks about his two months spent in Sierra County with Cecile and Frank when he was still alive. He tells her that Frank’s last few days were spent beautifully. The couple knew their fate and instead of resenting every waking moment, they accepted it. Darren was grateful that he’d had the chance to spend those last happy moments with the people he considered his family. The word jealousy isn’t enough to express how Andy feels about missing that.

Andy opens up to Darren about her books. She intends to keep her struggle with the new book she’s currently writing, how the words won’t come out and the ones that do are all plain nonsense. Meaningless. Plain bullcrap. She’d never thought writers’ block could strike her so hard. But she can’t hide it, not when Darren is sitting the closest he’d dare since their reconciliation.

“Partners?” he asks, and Andy is startled about the shift of the conversation.

“None,” Andy answers anyway.

“Not even one?”

“Darren,” she says.

“Then why did you leave?”

“What?”

Darren’s expression becomes unfathomable. “I just don’t get it. Why? I can’t think of any reasons. We were great. We were happy, or so I thought. I’ve always been wondering. It even keeps me awake at night sometimes. Am I not good enough? What the hell is wrong with me?” He must’ve sense Andy’s anguish, because he shrugs off nonchalantly as if it was nothing. “I just want to know. Future reference.”

“I didn’t know you think like that. I’ve always imagined that you blame it all on me.”

“Don’t worry, I do blame you. But the thing is, I still need answers. You can’t take it away from me to degrade myself, you know? I’ve only loved two women in my whole life. Funny that I’ve been left twice by one of them. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.”

Andy purses her lips and sighs. “This isn’t your fault.”

Darren huffs out a dark laugh. “Bullshit.”

“It’s true,” she says quietly. “Darren there are three words that I’ve wanted to tell you for the last two years,” she says, meeting Darren’s eyes. “I am sorry.”

“Don’t,” he says, shaking his head. “Don’t say that. I’ve had too many sorries. I don’t need another one from you. Besides, it’s not like things are going to change.”

“I know that,” Andy mumbles. “I just want you to know how I feel.”

“Okay.”

Andy glances over. Darren is right there, sprawled next to her. His eyes are so bright in the dim light and his lips are as provocative as ever.

“You still didn’t answer my question, though,” he says. “What’s wrong with me? Is there an invisible sign taped on my forehead that screams, ‘BREAK ME’, because Andy, I’m anything but a masochist. I do not enjoy heartbreaks.”

“There is nothing wrong with you, Darren.”

_You’re wonderful – kind of perfect, even._

Darren chuckles dryly. “So I’m guessing this is the part where you tell me the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ cliché line.”

“Darren . . .”

“I’m right, am I not?” he says, smiling humorless.

Andy doesn’t trust herself to talk.

_If only you know how that cliché line fits perfectly on the situation._

“Look, fine. I don’t want to pressure you on something you don’t want to answer,” Darren says when no words came out of Andy’s mouth after a full minute. “I guess, I’m just craving for closure.”

Closure. Darren wants closure.

“Do you want a closure?”

The question slips out of her mouth, and she regrets it instantly. She’s too scared of the answer, yet somehow, it manages to get out of her thoughts.

“I think I need it. I think Frank’s death is telling us something. Maybe he wants us to meet again, be brought here together again for a reason. Because everything does have a reason, right? I started wondering what, and then it transformed into why. I’m still not sure, but I think I understand why.”

“For closure?”

“That’s the only reason I can think of,” he says quietly.

Andy’s heart is contracting in pain, but it’s the different kind. Just like the usual that she feels, it’s natural. Yet this one is just unbearable.

A tear slips on the corner of her eye, but she wipes it away. “What if . . . what if I don’t want the closure you’re saying, Darren?” she says, her tone firmer than usual.

Darren’s expression is still unreadable, but Andy could pinpoint confusion.

“What if I don’t want it to end? What if I don’t want you to move on?”

“Andy . . .”

“What if I want you back? I want us back?” she stammers.

Darren’s face finally shows off an emotion: anger. “Andy, you left me,” he says, his accent thick.

“And I regret it,” she says almost immediately. “I regret it, Darren.”

The words went tumbling down Andy’s mouth without sifter. It’s like she has no brain-to-mouth filter right now. Everything she thinks she says has no pause in between to reflect or refrain. She knows it’s the wine that’s talking, but it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t mean every word. It’s the words she’s been too scared to say sober, and it feels such a relief to let it all out.

For the first time that night, Andy finally looked past Darren’s eyes. Darren’s beautiful – he’s always been – and Andy’s leaning in before she truly knows what she’s doing. Andy can taste the familiar beer from his breath as he exhales and his own lips part slightly as she presses in, finally finding Darren’s mouth.

It’s everything and nothing like she remembers. The shape is the same, the softness of Darren’s lips against hers and the rough scratch of his stubble. But it’s wrong. It’s off. Darren isn’t responding the way he used to. He’s pushing her back instead of pulling her in and even as drunk as she is, Andy knows that’s wrong. So very wrong.

“Darren,” she whispers, whimpers. Her hands come up, clutching Darren’s biceps, his shoulders, his neck, trying to pull him in where he belongs, where she used to fit so perfectly. “Please.”

Andy pushes in, nosing at Darren’s cheek, trying to turn his mouth back to hers. She’s breathing so heavily, heart pounding so hard she knows Darren can hear it. She wants to press in so Darren can feel it too.

“Andy, Andy –” Darren gulps, and his breath hot against Andy’s mouth. Andy shudders – she can’t help it – and she pulls Darren’s clothes closer, tugging at his neck.

“Please,” Andy pants, angling in to search for Darren’s sweet mouth.

“This is . . . no, I can’t –”

“You can, you can Darren. Please.” Andy shifts, standing with her knees and tries to crawl into Darren’s lap. She groans too loud when Darren finally grasps her waist, holding her tight.

“Darren.”

“Andy.” Darren’s voice is deep, rough.

This is it.

“Stop.” The word rung so loud and everything halts. “Stop,” Darren repeats. Andy feels the hands on her waist pushing her back. Pushing her away.

“Oh god,” Andy whispers as realization dawns to her. Her stomach is furling and the blood is pounding so loud in her ears. Suddenly she feels so dejected and unwanted. Rejected. “Shit.” She realized what she’d just done, and she immediately regrets it – but she did. As if she hasn’t fucked up enough.

“Hey.” Darren pets a too hot hand down her back as he stands. He reaches down, takes her hand and tugs her up. Andy immediately takes her hands back, embarrassment rushing through her whole body. She sways wildly on her feet, the mixture of wine, arousal and humiliation too much.

“I’m so sorry,” she mutters.

Darren attempts to guide her down the trunk, but she refuses. Gladly, she doesn’t make a fool of herself more as she goes down the truck without stumbling. Darren jumps off easily and tries to guide her again, and she craves for his touch – she has been for the last two years – but she doesn’t comply. Instead, she wobbles her way through the house and locks herself in her room.

Andy crawls under the covers and convince herself that whatever happened for the last couple of minutes was just a nightmare and that soon she’ll wake up from her deep slumber anytime soon.

The faint burn of beer on her lips proves her wrong.


	27. The Scientist

**April 22, 2018, 4.44AM**

Five days.

One hundred and twenty hours. Seven thousand and two hundred minutes. Four hundred and thirty two thousand seconds. For the span of five days, lots of things could have happened. For Andy, five days is enough to finish a chapter on her new book. Women would have produced thousands of babies in five days. Millions of people would have died.

For Darren, five days’ the longest time he avoided Andy.

Andy’s not that stupid to not feel the sudden turn of events, especially since for the past few days, it all seems as if everything between them is going back to normal. It was awkward at first, but Andy knows it’s given. It’s just a matter of time that they’ll fall back from where they’ve left. Andy’s anything but naïve. She could feel it. She could sense the tension between the both of them, and Andy knows it’s dangerous to hope on that not even a fifty percent chance, but Andy’s a hopeful person so she’s really holding onto that. God, she would cling even to a five percent chance that he’s still into her.

They’ve been reconnecting – or that’s what Andy thought.

She knew that night had something to do with it. Andy knows it’s her fault. But it happened, and even if she wants to, she couldn’t turn back all of it. She just wished she wasn’t so goddamn stupid.

          In retrospect, there were signs that Andy had missed. The morning after their moment in the truck, Andy woke up extra early hoping that their paths would cross. She was standing over the kitchen sink, and it took only half an hour for Darren to join her.

          “Hey,” she greeted. “Coffee?”

          Darren shook his head in response.

          “Okay,” she said quietly. “Um, are you going somewhere?”

          “Uh, yes. Got some stuff to do.”

          Andy nodded in understanding. “It’s my turn to cook lunch. Do you have request or something?”

          Darren shook his head. “Actually, don’t wait for me.”

          “How about dinner?” she prompted. “What do you want for dinner?”

“Um. I made plans. Sorry.” He doesn’t sound sorry at all. “Next time,” he added.

“Darren, I’m sorry,” she blurted out.

          Darren stiffened, but only briefly.

          “For what?”

          “For last night. That was completely inappropriate for me to do. I’m sorry.” Andy has her head ducked down in shame.

          He shrugged it off nonchalantly. “It’s fine. We were drunk.”

          “That’s the thing. I wasn’t.”

Andy caught the brief surprised look that crossed his face before it disappeared. “Okay.”

          “I’m sorry. I hope you’re not mad at me.”

          “I’m not mad.”

          “Okay. Good.”

“Good,” Darren echoed. “And it’s not like it means anything, anyway, right?”

Andy’s lips pressed. “Right.”

“Just forget it happened. It’s easier. I gotta go.”

And he left.

Darren was gone all day that day. The only time he went back was the time after she and Cecile finished their dinner. Darren excused himself and went to bed early saying he was tired.

Andy nodded in understanding. Maybe he was really just tired.

The next day was no different. Darren was gone all day, and the only dissimilarity was that this time, she didn’t even see him at breakfast. Apparently, he left extra early doing and meeting God-knows-who. When he went back to the house, it was past midnight and Andy was already asleep.

The signs had been there, but it was on the fifth day that things really began to unravel.

Andy was bored out of her mind in the house - and even if she loves Cecile to death, she was getting jaded on her company, especially since Cecile’s treating her like a fragile glass – and so she planned on going downtown using Karen’s old bike that was technically once hers.

It was a great day, really. The sun wasn’t shining too bright but the weather’s not that gloomy. She passed by Flora’s and found her watering the plants.

There have been a few greetings before they fall on an easy conversation. It was a casual one, just about the weather and all that jazz. Surprisingly, Andy enjoyed the company. It literally took her five minutes to like Flora.

Andy didn’t really know how it got there, but then they started talking about Darren.

“The first week he volunteered for help in the shop, he broke no less than ten pots.” Both girls laughed. “But I think it’s the first week that people really come and go in this shop. I swear Darren could charm anyone’s pants. Everyone adores him in this town.”

“You seem to know him so well,” Andy observes.

Flora shrugs. “Well, yeah of course I do. I mean, we dated and all.”

Andy’s eyebrow quirks. “You did?”

Flora shrugs again. “I think it’s on the second month since he resided here? I can’t tell already. Anyway, yes, we dated, and yes, past tense.”

“What happened?”

Flora smiles warmly at Andy. “What caused the break-up, you mean? Well for starters, it wasn’t really that serious, anyway. I guess we just hung out so much and we enjoyed each other’s company that we decided to try.” Flora sighs. “Darren’s a great person, no doubt about that. He could be really fascinating. I used that adjective because there’s no really other word that could describe him. He’s special.” Flora pauses. “But between you and me, I think he’s not really the commitment type of guy, catch my drift?”

Andy doesn’t, but she just nods.

“So yeah, other than that, there’s no more. But you know, no regrets and all. We’re still friends anyway. At least.”

Flora gives Andy a fleeting look. “How about you? What’s your story with him?”

Andy smiles faintly and shrugs.

_Oh you know, we met here in the same place four years ago and I guess I could say we hit it off really well but then I left him because I’m stupid like that and then two years ago we saw each other again and we decided to pick up the pieces and catch up but then I realized that I love him but I’m dying so I left him once again and maybe I’m the reason he’s not really that commitment type of guy anymore because I’m sick and I could die anytime so I broke his heart and I left him in the most stupid way because I’m stupid because life is just shitty. Did I mention I left him twice? Yep. Catch my drift?_

“It’s a long story,” Andy says instead.

“Oh come on, give me more. That’s not how he talks about you.”

“He talks about me?”

“Well, he only did once, and mind you, it’s the first and only time I saw Darren sad, and trust me, you cannot handle Darren when he’s sad. Those puppy dog eyes will kill you to death, I swear. So you never popped up in the conversation anymore. No offense.”

“None taken.”

“So I was surprised that day when he came in here with you.”

Andy remembers.

“And speaking of Darren, he’s been acting really weird lately,” Flora says out of the blue.

“What?”

“I don’t know, at first I thought it was just me. I don’t really mind his company all day, but it’s been what, four consecutive days, five? I mean, one could get really sick of his face lurking around especially if you see him doing absolutely nothing and you work your ass off, you know?”

“Lurking around?”

“Umm, didn’t you notice? I mean, you both stay on Cecile’s house, right?” she asks, and then her eyes widens. “Not that I doubt your sense of observation. Oh, shit I’m rambling again. I’m sorry,” Flora prompts.

“It’s okay, Flora,” Andy assures her. “Umm, so what were you saying? About Darren?”

“It’s not that I’m complaining, because he’s been a good company. Better than nothing, you know? He serenades my customers when they go here and it’s nice to have someone to spend the day, but it agitates me to see him here and not knowing why. I mean, is he avoiding someone or something? I have no idea. He tells nothing. Nothing. I swear, that man could drive one completely insane.”

Hearing Flora’s rant, it was then that everything clicks.

~

“Cecile, didn’t you hear what I just said? Okay, let me repeat everything, alright? So, I went downtown and-”

          “Sweetie, I heard everything, alright? No need to repeat, darling. I have a question, though.”

          “What?”

          “Why are we whispering again?”

          “Because Darren’s upstairs and he might think we’re talking about him.”

          “But, aren’t we talking about him, sweetheart?”

          Andy almost face palms. Cecile kind of has a point, though. She sighs and pouts in frustration.

          “What’s the matter, honey?” Cecile asks.

          “Why is he avoiding me? I just want to know why.”

          “How did you know he’s avoiding you?”

          “Because!” she says. “Because it’s been five days and it’s ridiculous that I never talked to him or even see him especially that we stay on the same house. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it Cecile?”

          “But maybe he’s just busy, darling,” Cecile comforts.

          Andy groans, frustrated. “I knew you weren’t listening,” she says and pouts. Cecile chuckles.

          “I am! I know that you talked to Flora and you find her

          Andy groans louder. “You’re missing the point, Cecile.”

          “And what is the point, if I ask?”

          “The point is-”

          “Oh, hey! You showered!”

          “What? Of course I did! Don’t change the-”

“Yeah, I did. That smells great. Great work, Cecile.”

Andy freezes.

“Oh, no, sweetheart. I didn’t cook this. Andy did. And it does smell great, isn’t it?”

“Oh.”

Andy meets Cecile’s eyes and mouths, “Oh? _Oh?!_ ”

“Come join us. Let’s eat,” Cecile says, ignoring Andy.

“Uh, yeah. Um, I can’t. I just remembered. I have plans.”

“You do?” Cecile says at the same time Andy turns around and asks, “You remembered?”

“Uh, yeah, I do, actually.” Darren nods small, not meeting any of their gazes. “So, yeah, I’ll just see you both later, or tomorrow. Bye.”

And then he walks out.

Both women stay on their places for a moment, both watches as Darren goes out of sight.

Cecile shrugs. “Oh, well. More for us.”

Andy shakes her head. “No.”

“No?”

“No,” she says more firmly as she follows Darren out.

“Darren, wait!”

Darren ignores her. And that makes Andy angrier.

“Darren Everett Criss, stop at this instance!”

With that, Darren stops from his pace. Andy abruptly stops but before it overwhelms her, she jogs more until he reaches him. His back is still in front of her. She doesn’t know if it’s her anger that acts on her behalf or something, because she finds herself grabbing Darren’s arm and whirl him. He looks at her, their eyes met for a second, and then he looks away again.

“What do you want?”

“Who do you have plans with? With that girl in Phila?”

“What girl?”

“The what’s-her-face that tended you the night before!”

“Cassie?”

Andy only fumes. Darren shakes his head and pulls the truck door. Andy grabs his arm and spins him violently.

“What is your problem?”

“Why don’t you want to eat dinner with us?”

“I told you I had plans!”

“Bullshit! I know you’re lying! You weren’t going out, but when you heard I cooked the food you remembered you made a plan? That’s fucking low.”

“What the hell? What is it to you, anyway?”

“Why are you lying?”

“I am not lying!” he shouts. “You know what, fine, I’m sorry I can’t join you to dinner. I’m sorry I’ll not be able to taste your delicacy because I made plans with somebody else. I’m sorry because you don’t know I have plans. I didn’t know you should know my itinerary. Don’t worry, next time I’ll give you a copy.”

“I don’t believe you,” she says. “I don’t believe you made plans.”

“You know what, Andy? I really don’t care.”

“You know what, I didn’t trust my instincts before, but I think I’m probably right. Maybe you asked me here to take revenge of me.”

Darren scoffs. “Where did that even came from?”

“Well I can’t think of any other reason.”

“That’s crazy and you know that. Just go back inside.”

“Or maybe you can’t accept the fact that you’re still not over me.”

Darren stops moving. “Why are you here?”

“Are you kidding me? You brought me here!”

“Why are you still here? You could’ve gone. So why?”

Andy opens her mouth, but no words came out. Darren smirks.

“So much for me not being over you,” he mocks and starts walking again.

“I deserve an explanation.”

Darren’s glare is ice, freezing through Andy and making her regret every word that came out of her mouth.

“What? What did you say?”

Darren’s voice is suddenly tinged with harshness. Andy shivers. Darren’s face is hard and closed off, a little like it was when everything is falling apart.

“I need a tolerable reason.”

“Why?”

“Because I worked hard for it.”

“Because it’s not just your hard work and your time that you invested in it, right? You also gave your heart and your soul, right? Because you made it for that one person who trusts you. That if you ever made mistakes, you think he’ll give you a chance again, right? Because that person made you think that he loves you. That you’re important to him.  You have to know why one morning you woke up and realize you’re just alone and that everything changed. Why is he gone? Why are you all alone? You need reasons, right? You need something to hold onto. Why you have to look like a fool in the eyes of everybody, because you don’t know anything. You don’t know when, how, why it happened. You don’t know what’s wrong with you that made her left you.”

“Darren . . .”

“What makes you think you have the right to ask something that you deprived me of?”

“Darren . . . Darren . . .”

“I deserve an explanation. I deserve an acceptable reason.”

“Darren, I’m so sorry.”

“But why? Why didn’t you tell me the truth?”

“I . . . I was afraid.”

“Huh. And you expect me to believe that? But you are so brave.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Darren.”

“You did.” Pause. “I almost died.  And every day, I wished I did. Tell me!”

Andy shakes her head.

“Fine. Run. Run away. That’s what you’re best at, anyway.”

And then he slams the door.


	28. To Build A Home

**April 23, 2018, 6.45AM**

Andy watches as Darren’s body finally shifts under the cover.

          She’s been up for two hours, and it’s been a good two hours that she’s sitting on the grandma chair, feet propped up across her chest across the bed where Darren lies. He’s beautiful, Andy thinks as she stares at the naked man sprawled under the covers.

Thinking about the big argument last night was something she doesn’t want to think about ever again, but being up early in a very silent house makes it all creep up unwillingly in her mind.

She hated all of it. She hated when with every single word that Darren had thrown, Andy just curled up on herself, her arms wrapped around her protectively. It was even worse than anything she imagined.

          _Because even if you can imagine the words, you can never imagine the pain that runs through your body, the cold tone of the man in front of you, the pounding in your chest and the way every single little word is just like a dagger cutting you over and over._

          Andy was so ashamed, of what she did, of how far she let this all go, and most importantly for how she was handling the situation right now. She was just standing there, taking it all in and didn’t even try to make it right.

          There was no doubt that she was physically and emotionally exhausted, and last night reached the peak of it. Yet, Andy didn’t get much sleep last night, and it doesn’t make any sense because she’s drained. She didn’t get to rest, especially after the argument and Darren driving off to somewhere without telling her nor Cecile. It took the elder an hour to finally shush the weeping woman, and even if Andy bawled her eyes out, she didn’t get the urge to sleep. Instead, she waited for Darren to come back.

          He didn’t.

          It was after three in the morning that Andy finally lost it. She didn’t bother bringing any protection from the cold breeze; that’s the last thing on her mind. She took the bike and pedalled off, having no specific location in mind. The only thing running through her mind was to find Darren, take him home, and if she was lucky enough, get to talk to him and settle everything through. She couldn’t take this anymore. Her heart couldn’t. It was a miracle really that she hadn’t died yet.

          Her first stop was Flora’s. She banged on the store front’s door, not even caring if she’d be held in jail for disturbing the peace on the serene town. After a good five minutes and sore knuckles, the door opened and there revealed Flora on her nightgown with the sleepiest eyes.

          “Andy? What’s go-”

          “Have you seen Darren?” she prompts, panting.

          Flora scratched her head sleepily, and Andy resisted the urge to shake the living crap out of her.

          “Uh, no?”

          “No?”

          “No.” Flora sounded surer this time. “No, I haven’t seen him. Why? Didn’t he come home?”

          “Do you know where he might possibly be gone?” Andy averted.

          Flora’s nose crinkled. Andy was literally bouncing off her feet, waiting for the answer. “I’m sorry, no.”

          Andy didn’t hide her huff in annoyance and disappointment.

          “Do you want to come inside?” Flora said.

          Andy shook her head. “No. I need to find Darren.”

          “Why don’t you try and go to Jeremy and Vincent’s place?” Flora suggested, and Andy perked up at the idea.

          “Do you know where they live?”

          Flora gave her a brief direction, and Andy nodded taking it all in. She’d said her thanks and headed off the road again.

          Vincent and Jeremy’s house was a good ten minutes away from Flora’s, so when she arrived there, Andy was practically wheezing. That though didn’t stop her from knocking on the cozy home’s door like a mad woman.

          It was Jeremy who answered the door, and he wasn’t looking pleased. That didn’t stop Andy from inquiring.

          “Hi. Have you seen Darren?”

          “Who are you?” was the response.

          “I’m Andy. Andy Claveria. Umm, I’m a friend of Darren. We met, like, four years ago, but I don’t think you remember me. Have you seen him?”

          Jeremy studies her for a second before shaking his head. “No, I haven’t seen him.”

          “Who’s that, honey?” Another voice from inside spoke, and then a head popped in.

          “Who are you?”

“Andy Claveria. She’s looking for Darren,” Jeremy answered.

          “The name sounds familiar,” Vince said and studied Andy’s face. And then Vince’s face glowed and his eyes widened and his mouth formed a small ‘o’ shape. “Holy shit. Andy Claveria, the writer? Oh my God! Honey, she’s the one who wrote the book that I stole from Darren!”

          “What book?”

          “The book that Darren always bring with him.” Vincent turned to Andy. “It’s you, isn’t it?” Then his eyes grew larger than Andy thought was impossible. “Oh my God. You’re the Andy. She’s the Andy!”

          Jeremy’s eyes widened. “You mean Darren’s Andy? Holy shit.”

          “Um, hi,” Andy said, looking at the already freaking couple.

          “Oh! And I remember now! You’re the woman with Darren when he first stepped in the resto. Remember, babe?” Jeremy said excitedly.

          “Holy – _yes!_ It’s you! It’s really you! You’ve come back! Wait – what are you doing here?”

          “At this time of hour?”

          “As I’ve said earlier, I’m actually looking for Darren, but it looks like you didn’t, so I’m just gonna head out. I’m sorry for the inconvenience. It’s . . . um, nice meeting you again.”

          “I did,” Vincent spoke and Andy froze. “See Darren, I mean.”

          Andy almost cried. Almost. Instead, she took one step forward at the couple and looked at Vincent. “Where?”

          “Actually, it’s his truck that I saw. But I guess that’s where Darren is, too.”

          “Yes! Where?”

          “It was parked outside the pub. Darwin’s pub. King’s Head?”

          And that lead Andy outside The King’s Head pub, wearing nothing but sweatpants and cotton t-shirt. She gulped, closed her eyes and sighed.

          “Please be here. Please. Please,” she chanted as she went in.

          He wasn’t. The pub wasn’t 24 hours, and the employees were already rearranging tables. Andy went in hopeful, and she went out hopeless.

          She sat outside the pub, already feeling like crying. It was stupid. She was tired. Her eyes felt like falling off anytime. And yet, she still managed to cry. She wasn’t even a crier type of person. Wiping the stupid ears, she sighed and shook her head. She wasn’t going to cry. She wasn’t. She-

          “Purple.”

She froze at the spot. A few feet on her right side, someone spoke. And then someone moaned. And then laughed. And then mumbled. And then sniffled.

She slowly turned her head, and almost cried in relief when she recognized that messy curly hair that she adored. Jumping from her seat, she approached Darren, half-seated half-sprawled on the pavement. He looked completely wrecked and so, so drunk. She cradled him on her arms, and he moaned, his eyes flattering open for a brief second before closing it once again.

“Darren. Darren wake up,” she whispered, shaking Darren’s face. Incoherent words came out of Darren’s mouth, and Andy groaned, face-palming at the sight of him.

          “We have to come home. Get up, please,” she said.

          “Home,” Darren managed to speak. “Home is . . . home is where the heart is . . . Home . . .”

          “Yes, yes.”

          Darren grinned like the fool that he was, and he started singing.

_Row, row, row your boat_

_Gently down the stream_

_Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily_

_Life is but a dream_

          Andy rolled her eyes. Finding Darren was hard. Getting him home was just ridiculous.

“Darren, please.”

“Ow, ow. It hurts,” he said.

“You hurt yourself? Where?” Andy said, checking his body if he broke something or what-not.

“It hurts every-fucking-where.” Darren pushed his palm over his chest. “But here’s where it kills the most.”

Andy bit her lip, fanning the tears that were threatening to fall. She stands and pulls Darren up, which required a big effort because he was practically unconscious at that point.

Andy was proud of herself as she managed to bring him inside the truck, got the key from him and loaded the bike she used at the back without literally falling apart.

With blurry vision, she managed to drive them back to Cecile’s house safely. Unlike before, she had lesser trouble bringing him inside the house. Darren seemed to sober up a little on the drive going back, and he was awake when they went out.

Andy started questioning his state once again when he stumbled inside her room, but Darren grabbed her with him.

And that was how she ended with a sleepless night, watching the man who turned her world upside down and vice versa.

Darren shifted once more, and Andy knows he was out of slumber. She watches as he slowly sits up with the most pained expression in his face. He groaned, rubbing his forehead.

“Shit,” he mumbled.

“There’s Advil and water at the bedside.” Darren jumped in shock and then winced in pain again.

“Fuck!” he whined and groaned.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, watching his every move. Darren opened his eyes and looked at Andy. They had what seemed to be a staring contest for a full minute.

Finally, Darren broke the silence. “Huh. You’re still here.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” she answered. “Not anymore.”

Darren’s eyebrows shot up, but he didn’t say any word. He reached out for the glass of water and the medicine Andy prepared. She watches his every move, even him gulping the last drop of water on the glass.

Once again, Darren seems immobile. He’s currently staring at the covers covering his naked body.

Andy sighed. “We should talk about this,” she said.

Darren shook his head, and then winced at his movement. “No we don’t.”

“Darren-”

“Stop. I’m having the worst hangover in the history of the world I feel my head being literally hammered at the moment, so please . . .”

Andy nodded. “Do you remember anything? From last night?”

Darren grinned humorless. “I can’t remember shit.”

“Do you want me to remind you?”

“Remind me of what? My stupidity? No offense, but no thanks.”

Andy nodded in understanding. “I know you don’t want company right now, so I’m just gonna leave you be. Get some rest. Just call if you need anything.”

She stands, heading for the door, when – “Stop.”

She did. “Darren, I’m so sorry,” she blurts.

“Stop. Just, stop, okay? I told you I don’t want to hear any of that. Will . . . will you just answer this? Did you even love me?”

“I never stopped,” she said. “And it’s kind of ridiculous because even if it’s technically dead already, it still keeps beating fast whenever you’re around.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’ll let you be.”

“No! Why are you always running away from me Andy?”

Andy hugs her arms around her chest, staring down at the ground. She could feel Darren look fiercely at her, hazel eyes blazing.

“I should go,” she whispers, turning around slowly, and walking away.

“No, you fucking shouldn’t. I fucking deserve an explanation and I want it now. I don’t have any more time for this bullshit.”

Andy paused, feeling tears starting to sting at her eyes.

“You fucking left, Andy. You left without so much as a goodbye or anything. You were just gone,” he says. “Do you know how that made me feel? Do you know how confused . . . how hurt I was?”

Andy turns her head glancing behind her.

“I fucking loved you, Andy,” he says, his voice softer this time. “And I feel so sorry for myself for you not feeling the same way.”

When Andy still refuses to reply, Darren forces himself up from the bed and plans to leave before his temper gets the best of him.

“You think I didn’t love you?” she speaks, barely loud enough for Darren to hear.

Darren narrows his eyes and spins around quickly, striding up to Andy angrily. “What else was I supposed to think?” he shouts.

“I loved you more than you could ever imagine, Darren,” Andy says. “I know what I did was unacceptable, but I did it because I loved you. Couldn’t you understand that?”

“How could I fucking understand that?” Darren shoots back angrily. “How does leaving without a trace count as an act of love? Because for some fucking reason, that just can’t register in my mind. Fucking enlighten me!”

Andy flinches at the remark, stepping back a few steps – the words stabling through her like knives. She can feel her body trembling as Darren presses his body closer to hers, while his eyes stares darkly at her, as if demanding an answer. But beyond the look of sheer rage in his eyes, Andy notices a soft, barely noticeable twinge of sadness beyond the hazel irises – the look of pain and desperation masked behind anger – and that itself almost makes Andy’s heart drop to the floor.

“I . . .  I . . .” Andy stammers, trying to find the right words.

“You . . .” Darren says, stepping forward, forcing Andy to step backwards. “ . . . What?”

Andy’s breathing hitches as Darren continues to walk forward. Andy keeps taking steps backwards as he moves closer until she feels her back hit the cool hard surface of a wall, her hands immediately falling to her sides and pressing against the room.

“Andy,” Darren growls in warning.

Andy’s eyes fall to stare down at the concrete floor, biting her lower lip to keep some sort of restraint on her quivering mouth and avoid the hard glare of Darren’s burning eyes.

“Do you have any idea what it’s been like for me these past two years? Do you?” Darren murmurs dangerously low. “I was a mess. I couldn’t even go to the beach for a couple of months because of what happened. I couldn’t talk about marriages because of what you did. All the fucking time, I keep thinking about you.”

Andy slowly brings her eyes up to stare at Darren’s.

“You never called. You never warned me. For months I tried to see signals of you leaving that night, and then I realized there never were. I didn’t know where you were, who’s with you. I have no idea where the hell you went. I got nothing but pity looks from your friends the next morning. You left as if you weren’t even there at all.”

They stand in silence, neither knowing what to say next. Andy leans back against the wall wondering if she should just way away or wait for Darren’s next move. She’s beginning to notice Darren’s eyes softening, and his once strong gaze faltering. He looks so tired. There are dark circles beneath his eyes and his skin looks a few shades paler than she last remembers.

“What are you doing here?” he asks.

Andy can feel the tears rolling down her cheeks as she inhales sharply and loudly despite her efforts to stay silent. She wants desperately to bolt out of the room right then so she wouldn’t have to hear Darren’s harsh words, but she reminds herself that she’s here to say something, and she is not leaving without Darren knowing it.

Darren’s eyes soften for a millisecond as he sees Andy’s tears start to fall. He lets out a breath of frustration and turns to walk to the other side of the room, his hands raking through his curls.

“Just go, Andy. I’ve had enough,” he mutters, turning away so he wouldn’t have to see Andy crying.

“Darren . . .” Andy chokes out, barely loud enough to hear. “I have to say something. Please.”

Darren turns around to face Andy slowly. “What is there more to hear, Andy? I feel like I’ve heard it all. What could you possibly say that will make this situation any better?”

“I’m sick.”

Darren closes his eyes and shakes his head.

“I’m sick, and I could die anytime,” she continues, her voice quivering. “I found out after my father’s funeral. I have a weak heart, and grieving for my father worsened it. Basically, I’m one heartbreak away from dying.”

She bites her lip, closes her eyes and goes on. “I guess you’re right when you said that I’m best at leaving. I ran away, Darren. I ran away, and not just from everyone. I ran away from this world. Nothing could stop me.

And then you came in to the picture. I was already dead when you met me, Darren. All I could hear is the tick tack of the clock of what’s left of my time. But you did something in me, and suddenly, I’ve never felt more alive. Suddenly, I wanted to stay. And that’s why I left. I wasn’t scared to die, Darren. I wasn’t before, until you came.”

Andy can see Darren’s distant eyes avoiding her as she speaks, but he doesn’t interrupt. Instead, he nods, signalling for her to continue.

Andy clears her throat before continuing. “I never thought we’d meet again, but for some reason, we did. I always believed in signs, you know? And I never tolerate the idea of coincidence. So when I saw you at that coffee shop that night, I knew. And despite the warning bells going through my head, I chose to be selfish. I gave myself a chance to love and be loved. I always knew I love you, Darren. It wasn’t really up for discussion. For a second, I let myself fantasize that everything will be fine. But reality comes crushing in when you sung that song.

So for the second time, I left. I left you even if it was bound to hurt me, because I knew it would. And it did. I also know I’d hurt you in the process, but it left me no choice. You do not deserve this, Darren. You deserve to grow old with someone you love. You deserve to have kids. Something that you almost had, but apparently I couldn’t give you.”

Upon hearing those last few words, Darren lifts his head, staring curiously at Andy.

“What do you mean?” he says, his eyebrows knitting together.

“I was pregnant,” she says and smiles faintly, wiping the tear that escaped.

“You . . . you were . . . you . . . mine?”

Andy smiles a bit and nods. Soon the smile is replaced with sobs. “I would’ve told you, you know? But I guess fate had other plans on me. The week before my flight to LA, to you, my heart collapsed. And I lost the baby. And I’m so sorry, Darren. I never knew it would come to that. I’m sorry that I stole your chance of being a father. I know it’s my fault.”

Darren’s eyes soften and falls to gaze at the floor.

“No it’s not. It’s not your fault,” he says.

Andy shakes her head. “But it is. I never even had options. It was never to choose between me and the baby. I was scheduled to have a heart surgery, but it was too late. I lived, and my baby died.”

“Why didn’t you call me?” he whispers.

“I was so ashamed, and so guilty, and so sorry. I’m so sorry,” she says. Wiping the tears, she continues, “It was hard, but I tried to move on. I just kept thinking about the baby, about the sacrifice of it. I found a reason to live. So I did. They said I’d get to have a new life, and I know I should be happy. But it wasn’t the case. Something was missing. Someone was. And I knew who it was, but even so, I didn’t go after you.”

Darren’s eyes fall to the floor.

“But then, for some reason, you found me. I didn’t care that you reached me because of a different reason than what I really aimed for. What mattered was that you’re here again, and I still love you.

I know I’m probably talking out of my ass right now but it’s been over two years and I haven’t got over you.” A tear slips down her cheek and she brushes it away with her shoulder. “You have no idea how hard it is not to love you, Darren. God knows I tried. Trust me, I did. I really tried not to. But I just couldn’t because you’re you and nothing can keep me from falling for you every time I see you. So I fell in love with you, all over again, for the millionth time. I just wanted to be with you, to be close to you however pathetic that sounds. I wanted to do what little I could do for you.

So I’m sorry, Darren. I’m sorry I lied to you, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier and you have to discover it this way. But to be perfectly honest I don’t regret what I did. Because no matter how hurt and scared I was and you were, no matter how badly I handled things, the situation, all of it, it helped us become us again in some way. Seeing you for the first time in two years, all contented with life and just happy, I couldn’t be more grateful for that.

And this time I won’t let you slip away from me. What we had during those sporadic weeks, what I want to believe we still have, I want to fight for it. I want to fight for you and I won’t lose you Darren. Not again, not this time. Not ever. Now that I found you I’m not letting you go. Never again. I promise.

What I’m trying to say is that, I’m ready. I’m ready for whatever this will become. I’m ready for you. I was scared, still is, but I’ve deprived myself for too long and I don’t . . . I don’t want to die unhappy. I don’t want to leave this Earth with you hating me. I . . . I’m not asking you to reciprocate my feelings, but I’m really sorry.”

Enduring, engulfing, immobilizing silence.

Darren’s face transforms from absolutely flummoxed to totally blank. Andy doesn’t know what’s better, and for a moment, everything goes deadly silent.

“Say something. Please,” she finally speaks, begs.

“You had heart surgery,” is what he says. “Why are you still sick?”

Andy purses her lips. “I never said I went,” she mumbles quietly.

Darren’s head snaps and looks at her with confused eyes.

“You-”

“Something came up,” she says, answering his unsaid question.

“What?”

“Frank died.”

“So . . .you’re . . . you . . .”

“I was scheduled to have a heart surgery last week. I cancelled.”

“Fuck. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Cecile’s more important.”

Darren is silent.

“I’m tired.”

“I need time to think.”

Andy nods. “I’m giving you all the time you need, Darren.”

~

**6.32PM**

Ellie, Vince and Erica sitting. “Guys? What’s going on? Why are you all here? Wait. Where’s Darren?”

          “He left dear.”

          “Left? Where?”

          “We don’t know.”

          “What do you mean you don’t know? But . . . I need to see him. Ellie, I need to see him. Let’s wait for him.”

          “He’s packed his bag, sweetheart. He’s not coming back.”

          “But . . . but . . . I can’t . . . Darren . . . I need . . .”

          “Andy, we don’t have much time. We already risk a week. You can’t risk another one.”

          “What do you mean?”

          “It’s time, Arella.”


	29. Life Support

**April 28, 2018, 2.22PM**

He wasn’t even there because he wanted to be.

          Darren hated waiting rooms just as much as he hated Geometry. The silence in the bland, puke-colored (in Darren’s eyes) waiting room doesn’t bring comfort in his state; the blue-gray glow of the fluorescent lights stung his eyes; the plastic chairs that are never comfortable to sit on; the old ratted gossip magazines that displays scandals on their covers the world has long forgotten; the painting of a valley that’s probably supposed to cheer people up but failed miserably; even the god-awful smell - the smell like Death himself walked in there and left his scent permanently. He hated all those things. But Darren doesn’t have any choice.

          He was there because he needed to be.

          It’s been four hours since he got the call from Ellie and an hour since he arrived. Since then, he’s been asked to stay in the small waiting room, and he’d been lying if he says he’s fine. He’s sitting in one of the chairs, doubled over with his elbows on his knees. The absolute silence is driving him completely mad, and God – why are all waiting rooms always either too hot or too cold?

          And more importantly: why isn’t anyone coming to pick him up?

          Darren suddenly becomes more agitated - if that’s even possible. Hundreds of questions fly in his mind, making him nauseated. _What am I doing here? Why is that kid with a copy of Marvel magazine staring at me? Why am I in this hospital? Am I even in the right hospital? Why is no one taking me yet?_

          Sweats start forming on his forehead but he doesn’t bother wiping it. Confirmed: the waiting room’s too hot. _But why isn’t anyone else sweating? Why am I the only one? And why is the kid still staring at me? Do I have something in the face? Am I-_

          “Excuse me?” It was a light, confident voice. Darren almost jumps from his seat at the sound, then swings around. The middle-aged woman is speaking to him. “Are you okay?” she asks, and Darren detects the sound of motherly concern in her voice. “Do you need some water or something? I could get the receptionist . . .”

          Darren shakes his head. “No, no. I’m fine,” he says, his voice coming out high and weak. He realizes he’s breathing very fast. “Thank you.”

          “Are you sure? I could-”

          “No, I’m fine, really. Just a little nervous, I guess. I-”

          “Darren?”

          The sliding doors opened and closed constantly; a soft puff of air breezing in with each opening. Darren releases a deep sigh as he recognizes the familiar voice. He turns around and finds Erica and Vince standing by the door. Darren quickly stands and reaches them.

          “Hey,” he says and gives the two a quick hug.

          “Hi,” Erica says. “I thought you’ll never come.”

          “It was a relief when Ellie finally got a hold of you,” Vince adds.

          “I have my phone off. I’m sorry,” he says. “Where is she?”

          Vince and Erica shares a glance before the man speaks, “Let’s take a walk first, yeah? Are you hungry? We could grab some coffee in the canteen. You look like you need one.”

          Darren is confused, but he obliges. He can’t stand being in the waiting room any longer.

“Okay.”

~

“How are you doing?”

          “I’m fine. Shouldn’t I be with Andy right now?”

          “Darren, Andy’s in a lot of stress right now, and the least thing we wanted is to maximize that because you aren’t handling the situation well.”

          “I am handling the situation well. Guys, seriously, I’m fine.”

          “No Darren, you’re not. You’re not okay and when you’ll see her you’ll break down in front of her and that’s the least thing we want to happen.”

          “Okay, fine! I’m not handling it well. I’m not fine for the last two years. But this is not important, okay? Right now the most important is Andy.”

          “Exactly. But the thing is, if you’re not okay then Andy isn’t too. We need you to be ready.”

          “Ready?” he asks incredulously. “I need to be ready? I cannot be ready, Vince. I will never be ready. I can’t . . . I can’t . . . why didn’t she tell me sooner? Just why?”

          “You probably didn’t know this, but we wouldn’t even know that Andy’s sick if Rose’s not a frustrated pharmacist and she’s obsessed with medicinal facts,” Erica says. “It was purely accidental how we knew. One movie date night in Andy’s flat, Ellie was being her usual nosy self. She found Andy’s medicine kit and went suspicious. She called Rose and they examined it. The next thing we knew our best friend was sick and doesn’t have the will to tell us. She doesn’t know that we knew. We tried to understand and give her the time to gather the guts to tell us about her condition. But weeks passed and she never uttered a single word about it. Finally, we planned a straight confrontation, but that same week, she was gone.”

          “Was that supposed to make me feel better?” Darren asks.

          “Yes. Also to tell you that Andy’s probably scared that she’ll need you more than you need her. Andy’s the strongest people that I have ever known. She’s our baby in the group because she’s the youngest, but often she’s the most mature than any of us. She’s used to taking care of people, to needing her. So maybe when she realized she’ll be the one taken care of this time, she freaked out. So she fled.

Darren, you can’t blame Andy for leaving you. She was being selfless. She doesn’t want to drag you down with her condition.”

“But, we also can’t blame you for being mad and hurt,” Erica adds gently. “I know I will be if Vince does that to me. We can’t take it away from you.”

“She’s been moving the surgery for four days now, Darren. Everything is set and everyone is ready but her. She wants you with her.”

          “Why am I not with her right now, then?”

          “We’re going to have a little intervention, Darren.”

          “Why are you here, Darren?”

          “Because you called me?”

          “Wrong answer.”

          “Because she needs me.”

          “No.”

          “I don’t know.”

          “Darren, you’re here because you need to be here, not because she needs you to be here.”

          “You’re right.”

          “

          “It’s Ellie,” Erica says. Pressing the answer button, she presses the phone in her ears. “Yes?”

          A beat, and then – “Okay. We’re in the garden. We’ll be there.”

          She closes her phone and pockets it. Looking at the two men, her eyes stopping on Darren, she says, “Ready?”

          No, no I’m not. “Yes.”

          “Let’s go.”

~

“Hi.”

          “You know what sucks about this whole situation? Me, here, standing in front of you?” Darren says as he stares away, his voice dropping softer. “Seeing you again after all that’s happened? I realize that I’m still fucking in love with you, and I can’t stand that.”

          In an instant, Darren is striding towards Andy, seizing her by the waist and pushing her back against the nearest wall of the hospital room, practically slamming her against it, and kissing her hard. The nearby shelves shook on impact.

          “I know I don’t deserve anything from you, but please, tell me what you want from me. Because I don’t think you know what you’re doing to me right now.”

          Darren’s eyebrows narrow in confusion. “What?”

          “You can’t just tell me you’re in love with me, and then kiss me, and then expect me to let you go.”

          Darren shakes his head and sighs.

          What does he want? Was it possible for his heart to want one thing while his mind was screaming at him for another?

          On the other hand, Darren is furious. It almost physically pains him to see Andy again. Especially since the last actual time he has seen her, he’d been blissfully unaware of everything that was yet to unfold. He hadn’t known any of it.

          He thought he could keep all of it bottled up. He thought he could move on and forget the woman who’d hurt him so badly, and never bothered to show up again. The woman who never – not once – called or wrote anything.

          And then out of the blue she’s there, standing out in the crowd of people.

          “Dare?” Andy speaks out, startling Darren out of his thoughts.

          Darren makes a noncommittal sound, focusing his attention to Andy again. “I . . . I don’t know.”

          Andy lets out a shaky breath she hadn’t known she is holding in. “Oh . . .”

          Darren lets his eyes flutter shut for a moment, his brows furrowed as he attempts to deal with the conflicting thoughts in his mind.

          The two stands in silence.

          And then, Darren’s eyes blinks open, exposing his tired eyes, and turns to face Andy. The deep pools of hazel are sad but firm.

          Darren is shaking as he finally comes to his realization. He takes a step closer, taking a deep breath before opening his mouth to speak.

          “I was a mess – still is.”

          Andy sucks in a deep shaky breath. “I know. I’ve known for a while. I just . . . I guess I just didn’t expect it to hurt this much actually hearing you say it.”

          Darren’s heart feels heavy in his chest, and he could feel a lump forming in his throat. Too much has happened between the both of them – too many lies, too many broken promises, and too many false hopes. The damage has been done, and Darren could never forget it.

          “I’m really sorry Darren,” Andy says at barely a whisper.

          After everything that has happened, he’s fully aware the two people standing here today aren’t the same two people who’d blissfully love each other a few years ago. Because now, everything is different. Now, everything is broken and scarred.

          “I do still love you though,” Darren whispers, looking sadly at Andy.

          Andy shakes her head. “Don’t say that.”

          Darren forces a weak smile and looks into Andy’s eyes. Andy catches his gaze, practically drowning in the pools of hazel. His eyes are soft but sad. They are also sincere – something that he has never shown to Andy for a very long time.

          “But it’s true,” Darren insists, taking a few steps closer. “I do, and I’m sure I always will. You’re not easy to forget, Andy. I would know.”

          “Darren, please. Don’t say that. I can’t . . . it’s too . . .”

          “Andy . . .”

          “You’re not the only one going crazy, Darren,” Andy says.

          Without a second though, Andy thrusts her mouth against Darren’s with enough force to knock them both backwards. Darren’s hands fell to his sides in shock while Andy moves up to tangle in Darren’s soft brown curls. And in the space of a next heartbeat she is kissing him, hard and full on the lips, her manner deeply passionate, hopelessly desperate.

          After a very brief moment, Darren pulls away, his arms resting firmly on Andy’s shoulders. His eyes of deep hazel and glints of gold poured out a look of confliction. He presses their foreheads together lightly, his face flushed. He can see the heat rising to Andy’s cheeks as well and notes that her soft pink lips are still parted slightly.

          “You shouldn’t have done that,” he says, his hands unconsciously gripping her waist tighter, eyes unable to meet Andy’s gaze. “You really shouldn’t have done that.”

          He takes a shaky breath as they look at each other for the briefest of moments. Darren feels like his knees were about to cave beneath him. His neck is blazing hot from where Andy’s hands has touched him, and he can feel Andy’s warmth from where his hands rests on her waist. He purses his lips together, leaving a reasonable gap between them. He is still rather taken aback by Andy’s sudden kiss and could barely think straight.

          “Andy . . .” He swallows and takes a cautious step towards her. He’d expected this to happen. He’d expected to feel this way again. Getting caught up in past memories, and the heated, passionate tension what Darren is sure would always linger between the two of them. But no matter how his heart swells when he looks at Andy – beautiful Andy – there are some things he couldn’t un-feel, and pain he could never forget.

          “Andy,” he starts again, trying to keep his composure but failing.

          Andy sucks in a breath.

          “Andy,” he whispers. “I can’t forgive you . . .”

          Andy bites down hard on her lip in an attempt to keep from breaking down.

          “I’m not asking you to,” she says. Andy gives a water smile but continues, her voice shaking slightly. “Letting you go was the biggest regret I’ve ever had. I thought I could do it. I thought I was strong enough to forget you, but I can’t, Darren.”

          Darren’s heart is starting to pound in his chest again. He clutches his fists together tighter, and squeezes his eyes shit, hoping to calm the flood of emotions currently about to break loose.

          “I could understand that you never wanted to see me again because you couldn’t stand the sight of me anymore, but again, you can’t just tell me you’re in love with me and expect me to let you go, because Darren? I honestly don’t think I can.”

          “I don’t think I can do this, Andy.”

          “Why not?” she retorts.

          “What you did, you broke me, Andy. In the hardest possible way. I was a mess. I was so lost.”

          “I love you. I’m in love with you,” she simply states, and Darren couldn’t think anymore. Everything comes bursting out all at once, and this time, there is no controlling it.

          Before Darren knows what is happening, he has breached the distance that lays between them in one quick step and catches Andy’s mouth in his. The pounding of his heart roars in his ears. He forgets how to think and only lets himself feel as he lost all the sense of everything except the warmth of Andy’s mouth on his, the way Andy’s fingers tilts his face to slightly deepen their kiss. And it was feverish, and desperate, and everything that Darren wants to remember how to feel all over again.

          When they finally break apart, Darren is breathless, confused, happy and nervous all at once. Andy is staring at him with an unreadable expression, but her eyes never broke away from his.

          Darren’s face is flushed and his breathing is shallow. He swallows anxiously, his entire body is tingling with sensation. He couldn’t seem to break away from the bright brown eyes that gazes back at him, and for a moment it feels like they are the only two people in the world.

          Darren blinks several times, willing his mind to think of something to say – anything. But his brain is practically melting out of his ear after that, and all h can think of is how spectacularly amazing it feels.

          As if someone has ignited the spark again, the two dives at each other once more, the kiss softer, sweeter this time. Their lips move together with ease, their noses brushing against the other ever so slightly. The air around them becomes tinged with the scent of their passion and the world crumbles into insignificance. All Darren can taste is Andy’s mouth, all he can hear is Andy’s rough breathing, and all he can feel are Andy’s hands running expertly over his body as if she’s been doing it her whole life.

          Any rational thought left his mind and Darren just smiles against Andy’s mouth.

          After a few more dizzying moments has passed, Andy peels away gently, her eyes twinkling as they look into Darren’s burning hazel ones.

          “Darren?” she asks softly.

          Darren pulls Andy close and settles his chin on her shoulder. He takes a deep breath, still able to feel Andy trembling against him, but simply pulls her even closer to him, their bodies easing into the comforting warmth between them.

          “Yeah?” he hums, nuzzling against Andy’s shoulder.

          “We’re . . . we’re going to be okay, right?” There’s a slight hint of concern in Andy’s voice.

          Darren pulls back to look at her. “Let’s make a deal,” he says. “You proceed with the surgery tonight, and if you still want me, we will be okay.”

          “I’ll always want you,” she mumbles and falls once again in Darren’s arms.

          Darren smiles. “Then I guess we will be okay.”


	30. Epilogue

**November 13, 2021, 8.44PM**

“Is the devil’s pawn asleep?”

          Darren shakes his head with a small smile on his face. “Ellie, please don’t call my son like that,” he says, propping down the soft leathered couch as the rest of the group settles in the living room.

          It’s been a very long day but Darren cannot ignore the fact that it was fun. It was their annual get together and they all have decided to spend it in Liam and Fryxell’s beach house, the same beach house they stayed in five years ago on the couple’s wedding. Of course they kept their communication throughout the years and despite their busy schedules, they make sure to have a get-together with their peers, but they have their annual

          “But it’s true! I swear he’s a mixture of you and Andy’s stubbornness.”

          “Hey!” Darren objects, defending on behalf of his wife.

          “If Andy’s here, she would’ve smacked you,” Rose says thoughtfully. Everybody hums in agreement.

          “The smacks I got in the hospital that night makes it up. My head still hurts just thinking about it.” Ellie absent-mindedly rubs her head before taking a gulp on her glass wine.

          Liam bursts out laughing. “Oh, God. That crazy night. I could still remember her face when you pulled that prank on her. Priceless.”

          “Who would forget?”

          Darren smiles and shakes his head slightly. No one could forget that epic moment.

          As Vince starts retelling the story, Darren sits quietly on the loveseat and has his own trip down memory lane.

~

Andy slept for another day after the first time she opened her eyes.

          Darren worked himself into a paranoid wreck despite the doctors saying that Andy’s just recovering.

          Andy woke up again, though, as promised, this time blinking hazily and mumbling something about the beach.

          Darren cries all over again and then Andy cries too purely out of confusion. After that, she passes out again.

          Eighteen hours later, Andy awoke this time with greater energy.

          Darren didn’t witness that. He got to talk with Andy’s mother outside the hospital room. When a loud wail broke out inside the room, he got in. One minute Andy stares at him as if she’d just seen a ghost, and the next second she’s strangling Ellie with all her energy muttering fitful of curses and a lot of, “I’m going to fucking kill you.” When Ellie’s pretty much bruised up and Andy’s contented with what happened, she passes out.

          Andy spent two more weeks in the hospital.

          The weeks were long and nerve-wracking, but slowly, progress came.

          Some things fell into place, others didn’t.

          Leaves wilted; wind went harsher.

          Darren continues his job; Andy continues treatment.

          Days turned into a countdown towards winter and the big judgment day.

          When the day came – cold and very white – Andy sat quietly in the doctor’s office between her mom and brother while Darren and the rest waits in the waiting room.

          When the doctor delivered the news, there were crying and laughing and lots of hugging.

          Darren and Andy rushed to one another, collapsed in each other’s arms and sobbed.

          “It’s okay. It’s over now. You’re okay. We’re okay,” Darren had said and held on tight, crying and kissing and petting Andy’s head.

          More time passed, and things got easier . . . and harder.

          In the middle of August, Andy and Darren announced pregnancy.

          Everyone went bat shit crazy.

          On November, Darren landed a huge deal. He talked to Andy about it – too fast and too many details – about the project. He’d finished in a rush, asked Andy why she didn’t look more excited.

          Andy stared at him for another minute and suddenly she was sobbing. She’d had heart-cramping for three days. She couldn’t breathe. Something inside hurts.

          There was another tense day of testing and doctor’s appointments and then another day after that of sorrowful tears. Cancer of the heart. Stage Three.

          Everyone went bat shit gentle.

          The supposed to be wedding in February was moved in December. Everyone was emotional.

          On April 14, 2019, Francis Rudy Criss was born.

          On April 18, Andy and Darren spent the day on the beach.

          On April 19, Andy was pronounced dead.

~

“Darren . . . Darren!”

          Darren blinks and finds everyone staring at him.

          “Yeah . . . yes?”

          “You okay man? You zonked out a bit there,” Will says.

          “Yes, I’m fine,” he says and gives a warm, comforting smile. “What were you guys saying?”

          “The night Andy cursed us all and almost killed Ellie,” Liam says.

          Darren’s brow furrows. “I really didn’t know what happened there. One minute I was in the bathroom and Andy’s peacefully asleep, the next second I found Ellie being punched by a sobbing Andy.”

          “It was epic,” Vince says, smiling. “She really thought it was your heart that replaced hers.”

~

FLASHBACK

~

“Oh God,” Ellie says in one sigh. A tear escapes her eyes, but she doesn’t bother wiping it. She smiles as Darren wraps his arms around her shoulder and she leans on his chest.

          Erica has her eyes trained on the glass in her hand. She sighs loud and looks up as the first tear fell. Vince pats her back and she smiles at him but buries her face at the crook of her neck as the emotion floods in.

          Suddenly, the chipper ambiance in the room vanishes and everybody just breaks.

          “That stupid girl,” Ellie says between her sobs. “Refrigerating out underwear on our sleep overs.”

          “Stealing my Pop-Tarts every chance she gets,” Erica says.

          “

          “God I miss her,” Ellie says with one sigh.

          It’s been three years since they lost their sister and since Darren lost his wife.

Darren had Andy for a year and a half.

          Some people would say that it was a waste. A love like their should’ve lasted longer.

          But Darren disagrees. Because for one Darren Criss, spending even just a minute with a wanderer like Andy Claveria won’t be gone wasted. How much more when she vowed to spend her lifetime with him? Death doesn’t make the love shared die. Of course Darren misses his wife every day, but Andy left him Frankie and vowed and spent her last few moments on earth with him.

          Andy for Darren, it’s enough.


End file.
